I kicked DH out of the house

[txannie]

We talked late last night and I told him i was sorry for overreacting and what my fears are. He understood and felt horrible about dipping again. He's an awesome husband and dad and works hard so I know I was out of line for making him feel like shit and you all have given some sound advice.

It hurts to watch someone you love roll the dice with their health. I understand people get cancer everyday. Theres not "one cause" and I used to get pissed when people asked if my dad ever smoked...as if that's the reason he had lung cancer. No one deserves to go thru that. Smoker or not.

I just don't want to exacerbate the process by making unhealthy choices. I also don't want to be a nut job and afraid to live life. I think I'm needing therapy because I took care of my dad while he battled cancer and i didn't really process the bad moments because I was trying to be strong for him and not lose control. I was his strength and i am so grateful i was able to Take care of him.

However, I'm kind of scared where I've put all those emotions. I was also pregnant during that time so I tried to not let myself get overly emotional and thought I was dealing with things in a positive way but it seems I'm wrong.

Thanks for the encouragement. it sucks but I know my dad wouldn't want me to live like this. I've got to figure this shit out.

[flamingeaux]

Hugs. I know this is a really tough time right now. However, at this point you need your DH's support, while you work through this. Call him, and apologize if you haven't already. You're right he shouldn't have broken his promise, but he is trying. Also find a therapist. You'd go to physical therapy to recover from an injury, right? Well, this is the same concept.

[pedanticwench]

You are batshitcraycray.

[cleo29]

You knew he did this before you got married. I can understand you being upset that he lied to you, but your reaction is over the top. I want to know if he really wants to quit and has been having a tough time of it (which is understandable) or is he just telling you what you want to hear?

[txannie]

Aug 14, 2012 9:58:38 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

You knew he did this before you got married. I can understand you being upset that he lied to you, but your reaction is over the top. I want to know if he really wants to quit and has been having a tough time of it (which is understandable) or is he just telling you what you want to hear?

He wants to quit. It makes him feel like shit after he does it becuase he let himself down and hes pretty hard on himself. He even tells his younger brother to stop because its a horrible habit and regrets ever starting.

[cleo29]

Aug 14, 2012 10:49:20 GMT -5 txannie said:

Aug 14, 2012 9:58:38 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

You knew he did this before you got married. I can understand you being upset that he lied to you, but your reaction is over the top. I want to know if he really wants to quit and has been having a tough time of it (which is understandable) or is he just telling you what you want to hear?

He wants to quit. It makes him feel like shit after he does it becuase he let himself down and hes pretty hard on himself. He even tells his younger brother to stop because its a horrible habit and regrets ever starting.

So what steps has he taken to quitting? Rather than kicking him out, perhaps try to help be part of the process even if that is just coming up with ideas to help him quit. even talking to a doctor, not sure if something like Chantix can help with dipping, but it could be worth asking.

[softspot]

Ditto Cleo. Is he just trying to quit cold turkey? My husband had to take Chantix over 6 months to finally kick dipping. He tried Nicorette gum first (needed to keep his mouth busy) but it actually had more nicotine per piece than a pinch did so it made him crave it more. Chewing gum, sucking mints, etc can be helpful too.

[txannie]

Aug 14, 2012 10:51:33 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Aug 14, 2012 10:49:20 GMT -5 txannie said:

He wants to quit. It makes him feel like shit after he does it becuase he let himself down and hes pretty hard on himself. He even tells his younger brother to stop because its a horrible habit and regrets ever starting.

So what steps has he taken to quitting? Rather than kicking him out, perhaps try to help be part of the process even if that is just coming up with ideas to help him quit. even talking to a doctor, not sure if something like Chantix can help with dipping, but it could be worth asking.

Yes he's asked me to be more supportive vs angry because he hates it too and worries about his health. He said he plans on getting back to working out because it helps him with stress and that's when he wants a dip. When he's stressed or exhausted.

I used to sell chantix. He's said Its not something he'd be interested in. He would rather avoid meds and try to replace the habit with something else. Although that plan seems to be failing so far...

[txannie]

Aug 14, 2012 10:57:36 GMT -5 softspot said:

Ditto Cleo. Is he just trying to quit cold turkey? My husband had to take Chantix over 6 months to finally kick dipping. He tried Nicorette gum first (needed to keep his mouth busy) but it actually had more nicotine per piece than a pinch did so it made him crave it more. Chewing gum, sucking mints, etc can be helpful too.

That's good news your H was able to stop. Encouraging to hear that.

[gozf]

Chantix has some pretty gnarly side effects, so I understand why he isn't itching to do that. I wish him the best of luck in quitting, and you, in unclenching.

[sprky79]

Aug 14, 2012 10:58:09 GMT -5 txannie said:

Aug 14, 2012 10:51:33 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

So what steps has he taken to quitting? Rather than kicking him out, perhaps try to help be part of the process even if that is just coming up with ideas to help him quit. even talking to a doctor, not sure if something like Chantix can help with dipping, but it could be worth asking.

Yes he's asked me to be more supportive vs angry because he hates it too and worries about his health. He said he plans on getting back to working out because it helps him with stress and that's when he wants a dip. When he's stressed or exhausted.

I used to sell chantix. He's said Its not something he'd be interested in. He would rather avoid meds and try to replace the habit with something else. Although that plan seems to be failing so far...

Right now, I'd let the habit drop for a while, and focus on you. Your reactions are not proportionate to the situation at hand. I get wanting to be healthy, but unless you are living in a bubble you are exposed to things every freakin' day that increase your chances of cancer. Same for your husband, your kids, etc.

Cancer isn't going anywhere, and your grief is paralyzing you. Please, contact someone. Did your loved one go through Hospice? They are a good resource to help you find a grief counselor.

[ckinla]

Ok… I hate smoking. I think it's vile and disgusting and if BF ever picked it up, I would be PISSED. But really, to kick him out over chewing tobacco? Overreaction. Yes, it's gross, yes it sucks that he did it after promising not to, it's awful that you lost somebody to cancer (I'm assuming b/c of something similar?) but holy hell, get a grip!

[SKP82]

Yes, therapy can help. Your therapist can teach you coping skills that can help you step back from a situation before reacting so that your emotions don't overwhelm your response. I gained a lot of perspective in therapy and am much calmer in situations now.

Think about if you had found chewing tobacco in his truck before your father got cancer. Would you have reacted the same way? Probably not. So you know this is about more than the tobacco.

Have you told your H about your fears of losing him to cancer since you just lost your father to it? Yes, people who don't use tobacco can get cancer, but those who do have a much greater chance of getting some form of cancer. So, I can understand that you wouldn't want him to do anything that would increase his chances of getting it. But, you need to understand that, as PPs have said, it is an addiction. And, as one PP mentioned, is one of the HARDEST addictions to kick.

[SKP82]

Aug 14, 2012 9:53:37 GMT -5 pedanticwench said:

You are batshitcraycray.

Way to kick someone when they're down. Good job.

[kellbell191]

Aug 13, 2012 23:54:17 GMT -5 txannie said:

Aug 13, 2012 23:48:30 GMT -5 annyong said:

You kicked him out without yelling?

Regardless, it's good you recognize the overreaction. Call him and apologize.

Yes I asked him to come talk to me for a minute in the other room and told him to get out or id leave. I was prepared to take the kids with me but said its easier if he left. I was so mad I couldn't look at him.

I feel like i was a bitch but I can't live through losing someone I love to cancer again. I'm just always fearing the worst and I hate feeling this way. I need to deal with these fears.

Therapy can help you rationally process your emotions and communicate them, and your expectations, to other people in a productive way. I did therapy pre marriage for other reasons but it has helped a lot within our marriage b.c. I'm able to articulate why I feel the way I do and what I need from DH.

For example, the loss of your parent and your DH's habit are separate issues, even though they do run together for you. Therapy can help you cope some more with the loss you've experienced so it doesn't poison other areas of your life. I also lost a parent to cancer and smoking will always be a no go for me, partly because of that. If I caught DH smoking I'd be able to tell him that losing my Mom was horrible, painful and not only do I never want to go through that again, watching him make decisions that put him in the same situation feels like a slap in the face based on how much I watched her suffer. That is very different from saying YOU have this bad habit and addiction and YOU can't live here while you have it because I find it disgusting. One is blameful and the other allows you both to address and work within the root of the issues.

ETA: both of my bouts with therapy have been related to my Mom's illness. The first go round was when she was diagnosed, the second when she died. It sounds weird and horrible, but its allowed me to think about our relationship and my role caring for her in a very positive way and to take the lessons and experiences I learned from her illness and to make the rest of my life better because of them. I highly recommend therapy for anyone in your situation based on my experiences.

[amandakisser]

Also, I'd keep in mind that many people turn to any type of addiction as a way to relieve stress. Yes, it wasn't HIS father who died, but I'd think that watching not only his FIL die, but also see first hand the impact it had one you, and coupled with the fact that you just had a baby was an added stress for him. Sure, it's not healthy to turn to a bad habit, but it's also not healthy to ignore your emotions and let them get out of hand.
You guys are in this together. I think, going forward, you need to remember that. Good luck and please take care of yourself.