Texting your therapist: normal??

[gozf]

I have reserved judgement about my friend's boyfriend. I've not met him yet (they live a few hours away), and she seems to be really happy. Friend's sister met the guy and wasn't impressed. Sister is also really put off by the fact that my friend is 35 and her boyfriend just turned 23.

So, the happy couple just went on vacation, with the boyfriend's father and his girlfriend. Apparently boyfriend and father don't always get along. My friend told me that her bf sent his therapist a text in the middle of the week that basically said, "Therapist, you will be really proud of me for controlling my drinking and anger on this trip!"

Friend didn't seem bothered by this, but my eyebrows shot up. Because, to me:

1. Not flying off the handle in a drunken rage isn't something to brag about, it should be status quo.
2. I think that if you have a texting relationship with your therapist, you are either profoundly fucked up OR your therapist is a quack who lacks boundaries.
3. If you know your father and his girlfriend (who, coincidentally, is younger than my friend) set you off and make you Hulk out, why agree to vacation with them?

Would you be concerned, or am I being ridiculous? And when I say concerned, I don't mean I'm about to have a serious talk with my friend about her relationship. I just mean it gives me pause, and I'm filing it away.

[Deleted]

I'm curious to know if the therapist responded. If so, what did they say?

[Deleted]

i'd be concerned. there is no possible explanation of this that involves someone understanding and working through their family issues successfully.

[ECB]

Yeah- the big thing I was thinking as I opened this is what is the therapist doing that this guy thinks that's o.k. MAYBE he does it and the therapist ignores it, or even tells him not to, and he still does.

but yeah... that gives me pause.

I just met a friends much younger BF this weekend myself, and while not the same list of issues you have, I totally understand where you're coming from and why you're concerned.

[Deleted]

About #1 - yes you're right. But someone who is in therapy for such issues WILL be praised by their therapist for maintaining control.

Texting your therapist does seem to cross a boundary to me though. I wonder if it's just his therapist's business phone. His therapist will probably talk to him about it when he goes back to therapy. Unless he responded.

And yes, I'd be very concerned for a friend who was in a relationship with a guy who's just starting to manage his anger and drinking.

[eightangryreindeer]

I agree, it's weird in this instance.

the you'll be so proud of me thing just smacks of major daddy issues and that he's replacing his father with his therapist when he needs approval

fuck and run (23!!! wooot!)

maybe kill

definitely don't marry

[Deleted]

Aug 14, 2012 9:18:55 GMT -5 ECB said:

Yeah- the big thing I was thinking as I opened this is what is the therapist doing that this guy thinks that's o.k. MAYBE he does it and the therapist ignores it, or even tells him not to, and he still does.

This seems to happen a lot. For some people, therapists have to address an issue several times for the "rules" to take hold.

[gozf]

I really don't want to rain on her parade. This is actually her first real, serious boyfriend -- and because of that, I don't see the age difference as a red flag. She's probably dated about as much as this guy, so they're on a level playing field, experience and expectation-wise.

But this was weird to me. Apparently, too, he has a penchant for getting REALLY drunk, which either ends in vomit or belligerence -- and sometimes both. Maybe that's just what 23 year old guys do? I don't know.

[eightangryreindeer]

Aug 14, 2012 9:22:49 GMT -5 gozf said:

I really don't want to rain on her parade. This is actually her first real, serious boyfriend -- and because of that, I don't see the age difference as a red flag. She's probably dated about as much as this guy, so they're on a level playing field, experience and expectation-wise.

But this was weird to me. Apparently, too, he has a penchant for getting REALLY drunk, which either ends in vomit or belligerence -- and sometimes both. Maybe that's just what 23 year old guys do? I don't know.

UGH, RED FLAG RED FLAG

[gozf]

Also? He has a lot of developmental and cognitive delays. I felt weird mentioning that before. I feel weird mentioning it now.

[Deleted]

listen, we're all cougers in waiting and 30 is the new 20 and blah blah. but a blackout vomiting angry drunk who at 23 is dating someone who is 35 has MAJOR daddy/mommy/parental figure issues in addition to addiction issues and is probably an excellent (when sober) lay but good for nothing else.

[Deleted]

It's not that weird from a treatment perspective- for someone who is really screwed up nd needs more frequent contact. The bigger issue is why she is with a guy with so many issues.

[Mrs.Beagle]

Umm either the therapist has no boundaries or the guy doesn't understand what the term "boundaries" means.

And no, that's not normal for a 23 year old guy. I'm with 8AR, it screams issues and possible co-dependence.

ETA: The delays may explain his poor boundaries with his therapist. Either way, red flags abound.

[gozf]

Aug 14, 2012 9:25:15 GMT -5 elle said:

It's not that weird from a treatment perspective- for someone who is really screwed up nd needs more frequent contact. The bigger issue is why she is with a guy with so many issues.

She's kind of a mess, herself.** And she's had terrible luck with men. I am not kidding that this is her first serious boyfriend. There's a lot to unpack there, too.

**And, look. When I say someone's a mess, I mean a MESS.

[eightangryreindeer]

Maybe a building will fall on him.

[gozf]

He does nice things too, like bandage her wounds when she falls down drunk. And he cleans the mold out of her refrigerator.

She is a sweet girl with a big heart, and I love her. I've taken a BIG step back from the friendship in recent years,though, because it just got to be too much.

[Deleted]

Aug 14, 2012 9:21:50 GMT -5 eightangryreindeer said:

I agree, it's weird in this instance.

the you'll be so proud of me thing just smacks of major daddy issues and that he's replacing his father with his therapist when he needs approval

fuck and run (23!!! wooot!)

maybe kill

definitely don't marry

This (the bolded) is typical transference and is quite normal/to be expected in certain types of psychotherapy. It can also be a healthy transition stage. So... not clearly a "bad."

[saraandmichael]

oh, this is not good. any of it. i would be concerned as well. if you two are very close friends, i would open up a dialogue about it and hope that she understands your concerns.

[Marle]

Aug 14, 2012 9:36:58 GMT -5 gozf said:

He does nice things too, like bandage her wounds when she falls down drunk. And he cleans the mold out of her refrigerator.

She is a sweet girl with a big heart, and I love her. I've taken a BIG step back from the friendship in recent years,though, because it just got to be too much.

so, basically you're saying this is just par for the course? I think that's what I'm seeing.
She needs to work things out. This guys is not good for her but seems to be just a result of her mess and I don't know how much you can help with all that.

[gozf]

Aug 14, 2012 9:52:47 GMT -5 saraandmichael said:

oh, this is not good. any of it. i would be concerned as well. if you two are very close friends, i would open up a dialogue about it and hope that she understands your concerns.

We were extremely close, but haven't been as much for a while now. I've known her forever, we were roommates in college for a year, and might as well have been in NYC. But she parties a little too hard for me, and she's inconsistent. You never know if she's going to love you, leave you at the bar or vomit on your shoes. I talk to her semi-regularly, but I've not hung out with her in almost 3 years because of her behavior.

Whenever I try to have a serious conversation with her, if I say something that could be construed as critical (even if it's kindly so) she gets defensive and shuts down. It's very frustrating.

[gretchenindisguise]

Aug 14, 2012 9:22:25 GMT -5 @schmancy said:

Aug 14, 2012 9:18:55 GMT -5 ECB said:

Yeah- the big thing I was thinking as I opened this is what is the therapist doing that this guy thinks that's o.k. MAYBE he does it and the therapist ignores it, or even tells him not to, and he still does.

This seems to happen a lot. For some people, therapists have to address an issue several times for the "rules" to take hold.

Why would he even have her personal cell phone to send text messages to?

[Deleted]

I text with mine but ONLY regarding changing/scheduling appointments.