Should I say something or leave it alone?

[mamasaurus]

My sister is ten years younger than I am. I have been more of a mother to her than our actual mother for most of her life. She's in college right now and has been with her first serious boyfriend for a couple of years. Lately, they're getting more serious, they have talked about maybe moving in together later this year, and she's been bringing him with to family functions.

He's generally a nice guy, but he talks down to her sometimes. I think it's a lot; I tried talking to our dad and my H about what they think, but they have unrelated issues with him and just wanted to talk about those. (Dad thinks he uses his epilepsy as an excuse to have no ambition; H does not like that he is a close/loud talker with TMI issues.) So, I don't really have an objective opinion.

I want to talk to my sister about how the first time you fall in love is sometimes the person you are with, or should be with, forever, but not always...so she shouldn't necessarily make a big commitment right away. I feel like when he talks down to her, she sort of shrinks back a little, so I want to say to her that if she doesn't like how he treats her, she should tell him. If he dumps her over it, she shouldn't be with him anyway, and if they stay together and he cuts it out, they'll both be happier. I am not trying to break them up, but I want her to be happy. A part of me thinks I need to talk to her about this NOW because he is buying her jewelry and OMG am engagement ring is next! Another part thinks I should mind my own damn business.

WDYT? What is the best way to approach this? Should I just leave it alone?

[speckledfrog]

MYOB. Unless she is asking you for advice she will not listen to you and will become defensive. It's hard to watch the people we love make mistakes but they are their mistakes to make.

[Deleted]

I'd leave it alone unless she asks you for your opinion.

Shitty boyfriends made me the badass I am today, so I think it's just part of growing up to be attracted to douchebags. As long as they're not a serious threat.

[cleo29]

Next time you hear him do it in front of you, say something. "Don't talk to my sister that way." or something like that. You don't have to be a bitch about it, but I would just call it out into the open. And if she gets upset, she gets upset.

[bab]

Aug 14, 2012 10:22:38 GMT -5 speckledfrog said:

MYOB. Unless she is asking you for advice she will not listen to you and will become defensive. It's hard to watch the people we love make mistakes but they are their mistakes to make.

totally agree

[fbf2006]

Aug 14, 2012 10:23:03 GMT -5 cleo29 said:

Next time you hear him do it in front of you, say something. "Don't talk to my sister that way." or something like that. You don't have to be a bitch about it, but I would just call it out into the open. And if she gets upset, she gets upset.

I wouldn't do this. Personally I'll talk to my sister in private.

[mypunkinpie]

Aug 14, 2012 10:19:24 GMT -5 mamasaurus said:

I want to talk to my sister about how the first time you fall in love is sometimes the person you are with, or should be with, forever, but not always...so she shouldn't necessarily make a big commitment right away.

Don't open with this. Tell her you've noticed he talks down to her and has she noticed the same? If so, how does it make her feel? Let her know you want her to be every bit of the fantastic woman you know she is and you get the idea that when he treats her this way, she doesn't seem to be the smart, outgoing, strong woman you know she can be. Introduce the idea of this flaw you see in him and let her decide what to do next.

[sprky79]

Unless she asks, MYOB. Getting involved like this never ends well.

[bcv513]

I'd MYOB unless you think he's being abusive. Then all bets are off

[Deleted]

Your sister's gonna wanna know why you're offended by the way he talks to her while allowing your husband to treat you as he does.

So, plank in the eye and all that.

[papie]

I wouldn't say anything. Honestly, those are things you need to learn on your own.

[cleo29]

I guess I need examples of him talking down to her. and frankly, if he does it in front of people I think the door is kind of open to say something to your sister. I mean, you've witnessed it. YOu could just say you're a little concerned with the way you you've heard him talk to her and ask if she is ok and then I guess be willing to drop it depending on her answer.

But then I come from a family where we are all in each other's business and never hesitate to share concerns. So, perhaps take my advice with a grain of salt. lol

[ECB]

Aug 14, 2012 10:26:29 GMT -5 mypunkinpie said:

Aug 14, 2012 10:19:24 GMT -5 mamasaurus said:

I want to talk to my sister about how the first time you fall in love is sometimes the person you are with, or should be with, forever, but not always...so she shouldn't necessarily make a big commitment right away.

Don't open with this. Tell her you've noticed he talks down to her and has she noticed the same? If so, how does it make her feel? Let her know you want her to be every bit of the fantastic woman you know she is and you get the idea that when he treats her this way, she doesn't seem to be the smart, outgoing, strong woman you know she can be. Introduce the idea of this flaw you see in him and let her decide what to do next.

This would be my approach.

[mrsjuleshs]

Agree with the others, MYOB. You can call him out on it next time he does it but then you run the risk of getting into an argument with your sister.

[mamasaurus]

Aug 14, 2012 10:28:59 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

Your sister's gonna wanna know why you're offended by the way he talks to her while allowing your husband to treat you as he does.

So, plank in the eye and all that.

Well, my sister doesn't really see him act that way. Still, point taken.

[kellbell191]

I think its better to do this through open questions. Give her a platform to talk about the relationship openly without judgment, and when she does bring things up ask questions about how it makes her feel, how she responds, etc. I have found that when it comes to other people's relationships I do better to support them in reaching their own conclusions than giving them opinions.

[SKP82]

Aug 14, 2012 11:44:01 GMT -5 kellbell191 said:

I think its better to do this through open questions. Give her a platform to talk about the relationship openly without judgment, and when she does bring things up ask questions about how it makes her feel, how she responds, etc. I have found that when it comes to other people's relationships I do better to support them in reaching their own conclusions than giving them opinions.

This is the best advice.

[ralphlauren]

I would stay out of it.

[dochas]

Aug 14, 2012 10:26:29 GMT -5 mypunkinpie said:

Don't open with this. Tell her you've noticed he talks down to her and has she noticed the same? If so, how does it make her feel? Let her know you want her to be every bit of the fantastic woman you know she is and you get the idea that when he treats her this way, she doesn't seem to be the smart, outgoing, strong woman you know she can be. Introduce the idea of this flaw you see in him and let her decide what to do next.

This is great advice. Maybe have a specific example and do it (privately) right after it happens. I would not harp on it or make it seem like she has to choose him or her family. Your little sister IS your business and you should not stand idly by while she makes a huge mistake, no matter what it is. I wish my sisters had cared enough to talk to me before I got in too deep with my ex husband.