This sounds eerily similar to my SIL and how she usually bahaved. Honestly I never had a huge problem with her (she's 2 of my kids godmother) but my family that lived in town with her (parents, other brother) loathed her for similar reasons while remaining cordial...but I'm sure she sensed it. I don't think my family understood that people sense how you feel even if you are polite & cordial & naturally they want less & less to do with you. My brother stuck it out 12yrs meanwhile she got progressively more & more insecure. They are now divorced and honestly though I don't know the "whole" story, I feel for her.
I think there are a lot of issues here on both sides of this relationship. I think your parents have certain assumptions that they are placing on your future sister-in-law that she's not going to understand. I also think it is up to your brother to be the translator of these expectations in the relationship and it doesn't sound like he's doing that. I honestly think it is unfair to put all of this on your future sister-in-law and not put any of the blame on your brother. He should be the one making an effort to bridge the gap between your future sister-in-law and your parents and it doesn't sound like he is. It also sounds like your family is choosing to blame her completely and not place any of the blame on your brother.
im not saying she's blameless, but you are demonizing her and probably can't see her side of it. Her bachelorette is a big deal too, and she's allowed to celebrate as she chooses. If is pretty ballsy to invite her MOH to a small pricey dinner, but just say no and be done with it. You are basically in BEC territory with her and like it or not, your brother is marrying her. So you better figure out how to let some of this stuff go or else you are in for a rocky road. Your just going to alienate your brother if you keep down this road. He's not going to choose you or your parents over her.
I do not think he is blameless, but he is family and she is not, so while what he does has had some consequences in the last year, it means at the end of the day, we can be pissed at him, and dislike the person he's become, but he's still family? I don't know if that makes sense.
With her, there is no obligation to dislike her and still want to hold her close?
(Also, for the flip side of it all, I didn't have a bachelorette party because I thought it was ridiculous, but I do understand it is important to other people.)
Haha, this reply speaks volumes about how you really feel. You do realize that she WILL be family soon? And you do realize that to your brother, she's basically the most important person in his life? Unless you really think he's making a mistake and they'll end up divorced, you really ought to try to harder with her.
I think there are a lot of issues here on both sides of this relationship. I think your parents have certain assumptions that they are placing on your future sister-in-law that she's not going to understand. I also think it is up to your brother to be the translator of these expectations in the relationship and it doesn't sound like he's doing that. I honestly think it is unfair to put all of this on your future sister-in-law and not put any of the blame on your brother. He should be the one making an effort to bridge the gap between your future sister-in-law and your parents and it doesn't sound like he is. It also sounds like your family is choosing to blame her completely and not place any of the blame on your brother.
im not saying she's blameless, but you are demonizing her and probably can't see her side of it. Her bachelorette is a big deal too, and she's allowed to celebrate as she chooses. If is pretty ballsy to invite her MOH to a small pricey dinner, but just say no and be done with it. You are basically in BEC territory with her and like it or not, your brother is marrying her. So you better figure out how to let some of this stuff go or else you are in for a rocky road. Your just going to alienate your brother if you keep down this road. He's not going to choose you or your parents over her.
I do not think he is blameless, but he is family and she is not, so while what he does has had some consequences in the last year, it means at the end of the day, we can be pissed at him, and dislike the person he's become, but he's still family? I don't know if that makes sense.
With her, there is no obligation to dislike her and still want to hold her close?
Oh, and why I highlighted. XD I think no one in our family expects he will be a part of our family in a year, if only cause he has already chosen her over us all the time. I actually do not begrudge him this. I would pick my husband over my family most days of the week. But I don't think anyone is going to let it go when things somehow keep getting stirred up. :/ So it is one of those situations you can see happening and feel helpless against.
(Also, for the flip side of it all, I didn't have a bachelorette party because I thought it was ridiculous, but I do understand it is important to other people.)
Haha, this reply speaks volumes about how you really feel. You do realize that she WILL be family soon? And you do realize that to your brother, she's basically the most important person in his life? Unless you really think he's making a mistake and they'll end up divorced, you really ought to try to harder with her.
Yeah. I guess not living the situation it's hard to know how much my family has tried and how much she has not. I cannot even list all the ways she has not tried that my family has without making it sound like a pile on, cause she really really has not tried.
My brother tells me about dreams he has where he's just canceled the wedding and how relieved that made him feel cause he doesn't have to put up with her anymore and I just... don't say anything then cause what can I say?
This situation is a lot more complicated than the OP made it, and I cannot apologize for that cause to explain the last 2.5 years of him dating her would fill volumes.
So no, I do not think I will ever think of her as family until something in her behavior changes, but I am willing to try and figure out some middle ground that does not expect me, or my family, from just rolling over and letting her do whatever she wants. I don't know if that's how your family is, but that's not how my family (the family of my husband, my son, and I) is. There's compromise and figuring it out. There's weighing pros and cons of situations and coming to a decision together, not one person just running roughshod over the other.
The decision to not spend holidays with my family was prior to her even meeting me or my family. She just told him straight up when they were dating that she expects not to share holidays with my family. She still won't share holidays with us, she opts out.
well, since you brought it up, I married into a Korean family. And they treated me like crap for the entire time H and dated and made it very difficult for us to be together. I won't pretend to know if your FSIL is really a bitch or not. But I will say, marrying into a very traditional Korean family is hard. There are 2 sides to every story and I can see from your posts that you are firmly set on your side.
I honestly feel really bad for your brother. Either you are right and he's making a mistake, or, your family is making his choice of life partner a living hell for him. I can't know the answer to that, but I feel bad for him either way. Maybe you should try having an honest conversation with him instead of just continuing to hate on your FSIL.
She sounds really rude but I agree that 60th birthdays aren't really that big of a deal that I'd rearrange my bachelorette party around one. She's coming to the dinner so I think she's attending the birthday. Not being there for all the "events" wouldn't bother me.
Why would she come over for dinner four times a week for a year if she didn't like you? Is that a traditional thing? Maybe her attitude had more to do with your brother?
I would get WASTED at my bachelorette party if I could. I didn't really because my sisters were there and one was pregnant and the other 16 years old but if I had the chance for a do-over, sign me up.
Post by ilikedonuts on May 12, 2015 19:13:45 GMT -5
Everyone says you should be upfront before marrying someone.
She was upfront about the holidays back in the beginning and your brother still chose to continue to date, propose to her and a life with her. I think you need to stop acting like she's forcing your brother to do things.
She's just not that into you guys and that's truly her own choice even if it's not very nice.
I think you and your parents need to just accept she doesn't care to follow your culture and she and your brother are going to do what they want (even if you think it's just her, your brother is still going along with it) because they will be their own family and the rest of you will be extended family.
she definitely is not a nice welcoming person though!
Now that you have other perspectives, while you cant make your mom change how she feels, you can try to dampen them. Explain that this might really be the ONLY weekend her MOH could get off. It's unfortunate, but not SILs fault.
THere are clearly a LOT of levels of issues going on and i don't know that you'll ever get back to a good place with her. And really- if that won't/can't happen, this also needs to be about accepting that this is WHO she is. Expecting anything else from her is only going to lead you all here- being pissed off and growing the list of why you hate her.
For all the talk of your culture and how she should respect it because this is your brother's family, where is the respect for her? It appears that your brother actually is trying to respect her and how she is about her family. Obviously it would be nice for her to do the same, but then again- Im SURE she knows how you all feel. Why would she want to spend more time w/ you all?
Your mom can give your SIL all the power here. Or she can take some of that power back and focus on who WILL be there and who IS making this weekend their priority.
Post by miniroller on May 12, 2015 19:55:26 GMT -5
Ecb said everything so much better than I could've. I just wanted to reiterate, OP, that I really hope you learned to look at this entire situation through FSIL's eyes. Please even consider trying to table your past legitimate issues with her not ever helping/ participating/ etc. I recommend you try to start from an entirely clean, blank slate. One in which you really try to gain her approval. Not watch her fail to win your's.
FWIW My BILs, MIL did not lift a finger when over at my house. This is not my culture/upbringing....I was raised to help, contribute, be outwardly thankful & that's a way of showing it. It drove me nuts at first. Now I just realize that in their "culture" (Aka the way MIL was raised as a Southern, well-off, completely spoiled only child). In her mind "guests" (even family) are not allowed to/expected to help in someone else's home..they are basically to be "pampered" as guests. She will not let me help her at all when I went to her house. She won't even let my kids clean up their room (yes, they have a room at her house) after they make a mess. I've been married 12yrs & with DH 15 yrs, and things are actually better now. She now doesn't contradict me when I tell the girls to pick up after themselves, she asks to bring food & has even come out to the kitchen the last year to ask if I need help. She's also very introverted & totally would spend an evening on the couch basically not talking unless she is directly engaged. I will say, it's taken years to "accept" it as anything but rude, but she's very kind in other ways. It is hard when family "styles"/priorities don't jive but I hope for especially your brother's sake, you guys learn to try to understand each other.
I have a friend whose husband has the issue where he won't greet anyone or talk to anyone - of course this is within our friends, but still. We've all made the effort with him, but it's even to the point where if some of the guys say hi to him he just says nothing in return. It is so wearing on friendships (including our friendship with her, although she's great) and so I can totally see how this would be even worse and more complicated within family.
I do think you should all let it go, though. Her past behavior made it likely she would respond in some way to sour the event, so I think you should all not be expecting more from her and just set the bar very low on expectations where she is concerned. Enjoy the party without her!
I do think you should cut her some slack about it being her bachelorette party - that is a big thing to some people and it sounds like it had to be the same weekend.
Ecb said everything so much better than I could've. I just wanted to reiterate, OP, that I really hope you learned to look at this entire situation through FSIL's eyes. Please even consider trying to table your past legitimate issues with her not ever helping/ participating/ etc. I recommend you try to start from an entirely clean, blank slate.One in which you really try to gain her approval. Not watch her fail to win your's.
I agree with ECB and will continue to be the buffer between them and my parents, but you, I don't know so much.
How do you suggest I try to gain her approval more than cooking her dinner 4x a week for 52 weeks while simultaneously dealing with working full time and nursing/caring for a high maintenance child?
I mean, I am all for suggestions, but I am not sure what I did wrong in that year of trying to get to know her that wasn't trying to find a common ground because my brother liked her? o.O
I'm sorry if I missed this, but have you asked her? Or do you think you could get an honest answer out of her? I think you need to approach her in a calm, friendly, proactive manner, though; definitely steer clear of accusations/ what she's done wrong so far.
This is my suggestion for helping you improve a possible relationship w/ this girl. (Which I thought you wanted?) It would take a lot for anyone to make up all the ways she's shown ingratitude toward you & your family. My suggestion of starting with a clean slate is the only way I see this relationship progressing. Certainly it's not "fair." But I think the past needs forgotten/ forgiven if you're going to work out any type of relationship w/ this girl. I'm sorry
I think a medical resident might get very limited time off (@wandering)
I only skimmed the OP cause I'm enjoying getting drunk on. A random Tuesday before I am a resident lol.
But yes, residents schedules suck, especially the first year, pretty much regardless of the speciality. From most residency programs I interviewed at and based on my friends schedules having one complete weekend off per month is the norm but other than that you might work for 14 days straight or have Sat or Sun call every weekend except for your 1 weekend off.
Not sure if that's helpful at all to this post lol. Carry on!
I honestly don't think you need to try to "win her approval" as much as you need to let go of the expectations you have of her. I feel like you are expecting her to fit in naturally to your family, value your traditions and almost be submissive to them. I know that's not quite right, but you obviously have some idea of what you wanted out of a SIL and she's not trying hard enough in your mind or she's not apprecitaing what you've done for her or something. I think the bottom line is that you and her are VERY different. Her family dynamics are VERY different from yours. You need to accept that's what's important to you and her are different. Perfect example: the 60th bday is huge in your family, probably not in hers. You said you thought bachelorette parties were ridiculous, to her it is obviously a big deal.
You just need to work on accepting who she is, accepting that your brother is going to marry her, and that you can't change her. You guys may never be close and she may never integrate into your family the way you thought she would. That's life. The sooner you stop trying to force the relationship on her and force her to fit in to your family, the sooner things might get better.
I'm sorry if I missed this, but have you asked her? Or do you think you could get an honest answer out of her? I think you need to approach her in a calm, friendly, proactive manner, though; definitely steer clear of accusations/ what she's done wrong so far.
This is my suggestion for helping you improve a possible relationship w/ this girl. (Which I thought you wanted?) It would take a lot for anyone to make up all the ways she's shown ingratitude toward you & your family. My suggestion of starting with a clean slate is the only way I see this relationship progressing. Certainly it's not "fair." But I think the past needs forgotten/ forgiven if you're going to work out any type of relationship w/ this girl. I'm sorry
I do not think I would get an honest answer out of her, since I have offered her support before in the past, after that year, before shit got bad and she rebuffed it.
But since people are still giving advice, this is what my current plan is.
Call her and set up a date to go out for a glass of wine or a whole damn bottle. And talk it out. See if we can start clean and set up both boundaries and expectations between us as well as explain things culturally, since I think my brother is really the broken link in this horrible game of telephone.
Offer support (again) to navigate the shitty waters that is becoming a part of a traditional Korean family.
Drink a lot of wine.
And if she does not want to, well then, that pretty much be an answer to my family as a whole.
Ugh, I think this is a bad idea. This is a good way for her to feel attacked and get defensive. Although she probably won't say it to you, she'll tolerate the evening and then complain to your brother.
Have you you talked to your brother about this stuff? What's his suggestion to try to help the relationship?
Post by miniroller on May 12, 2015 20:59:27 GMT -5
Seriously wishing you good luck with your plan spunbutterfly!! I totally didn't mean to post on MMM; posted from latest. (I'm a non-mom, ML/ CEP'er, sorry!!) But will definitely keep an eye out, if you'd pretty please update Think wine could be a benefit! But also go in w/ as clear of a mind as you possibly can. Try to remember there's a reason your brother loves this woman, & wants to marry her; wouldn't it be awesome to find it?! (The reason) Good luck!! I have confidence in you.
Team you. For me, I was raised to respect other people and wspecially older people. I am just a Canadian. No culture. My H family is Iranian. When a new person arrives at a get together, even if 10 people are already there eating dinner at the table, you all must get up and say hello. You can't sit down until that person sits. Same when they leave. It's stupid. But it's his culture and I respect him and love his family and didn't want them to think I was rude so when he told me to stand up - I did. This girl doesn't care. Rude.
As for the problem today - tell her not to come. Your family will be happier. And when you look at the pics in a few years, and your brother is divorced, he will be happy she didn't ruin them.
As for people considering the importance of a 60th birthday. From her post, it's obviously important here. And even if SIL couldn't come, she should have acted like she cared.
I think you need to accept that you two won't be close and that she's going to work your nerves frequently, then move on. This is really your brother's problem. He needs to figure out a middle ground between his wife and his family. You need to figure how to not let your brother and fsil drive you insane.
My BIL (DH's bro) and I have had a rocky relationship over the 12 years that I've been with dh. Things got 10x better when I realized I can't change him and I need to accept him for who he is and let tons of shit go. BIL and I currently get along but we are not friends. We can spend a few hours together chit chatting about nonimportant stuff and share a meal a couple times a month. That's about all the time we can handle together before things get tense. That is what our relationship is and that's ok. I roll my eyes and bitch about him a lot to friends. But then I have some wine and let it all go.
Post by vanillacourage on May 12, 2015 21:43:29 GMT -5
Omg. She fell in love with a guy where it's expected that she have dinner with his family four times per week, and some of the time she just chilled on the couch and wasn't overjoyed to be there - and you're pissed and just can't figure out why?
your entire family sounds maddening, but your brother is the problem. Either he hasn't explained cultural differences to her, or he HAS and she's not willing to give over her life to your family's expectations but he's taking the easy way out and letting you all gossip and blame it all on her. She's just not that into you guys, and that's ok. You expect way, way too much.
Get over the fact that she sulks. Whatever. Some people suck, you can't change her personality. My uncles wife isn't the overly friendly type. She often spends half the day in the bedroom when she visits multiple family members. No one gives 2 shits. It's her problem if she doesn't want to hang out with us. No skin off our backs.
Since no one likes her why does it matter if she's not coming to your mom's 60th birthday? I did exactly nothing for my mom's 60th birthday last year. I think that adult lavish birthday celebrations are ridiculous unless you're turning 90 or 100.
OMG. They can come in. YOU DON'T HAVE TO COOK AND FEED THEM.
Really? So... you just sit there eating dinner for three and let them sit across from you not eating... then what? Wait, really?
ETA:
I feel like I am missing something here or you are missing something here? I am honestly baffled. So if your brother showed up on your porch unannounced and you were in the middle of dinner... you would just let him in and eat in front of him, even if there is enough food. And... or are you filling in the blanks of my life with your own story, thinking my brother is coming at odd hours to be fed?
FTR, he showed up at precisely 5:30pm to be fed, when he knows it's dinner time for us. Ironically, the days he remembered to actually ask, he would be late.
So I'm assuming it was perfectly normal for your brother to show up and eat at your house whenever he wanted before he was with FI. You were/are fine with that. That would be ok in my family too, I get that. So once he got engaged, he started bringing her too. You were/are ok with that too EXCEPT you feel she's ungrateful for the dinner. I get that too. The problem is you either needed to say, "hey bro, your FI is rude so you can't bring her to dinner any more", which is what I would've have done. Or you needed to accept that your brother's FI is rude but it's worth putting up with her because you wanted your brother there. It sounds like this is what you did. If that's what you chose to do, you can't paint it now as some grand gesture you did to be nice to her. And you can't blame her for participating in a practice that your brother created.
Post by water*drop on May 12, 2015 22:57:37 GMT -5
There are no cultural differences between DH's family and my family, but our families are still very, very different. There was a TON of conflict when we started seeing each other because we - jointly - decided how to compromise on what my family expected and what his family expected. My family was very accepting of this. Some of his was...not. And although we made the decisions jointly, guess who got ALL of the blame? Now, in DH's case, he was quick to point out that it was his decision, too (not that anybody listened to him about it; they just said that I must have made him say that), but he could have just agreed with them when they suggested that it was all my idea to skip out on their family's event to attend my family's event. Eventually my ILs realized that I'm not a horrible person who was trying to steal their son/brother, and we're mostly okay now, but it took a lot of time...and we saw them very little during that time because we were just tired of being made to feel like nothing we did was good enough. If we came to dinner, they wanted to know why we had missed lunch, etc. When they stopped making us feel like our compromises weren't enough for them, we started coming around more frequently.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that 1. Regardless of whether your FSIL really said "I will never attend your family's holiday gatherings" or whether your brother just isn't dispelling that myth, he did/does have a choice in the matter. And it doesn't sound like your family would take too kindly to him saying that it was his choice, too, so is there a chance that some of the complaining about her to you is just to try to take the heat off himself? and 2. FSIL isn't just joining your family. She is forming her own family with your brother. You're talking about a multi-day celebration; they're talking about coming to a portion of it because they have their own little family event the same weekend. That seems like a compromise to me.
Didn't you say previously that you felt like your FSIL didn't like you? Maybe I misread but if you did then I don't understand why she would go over to your place by herself. I don't really like my MIL, there is no way I would go over to her house on my own to eat a meal. Nope nope nope.
I think there are some misunderstandings and unnecessary drama going on here. I also think that you are underestimating how hard it is to join a family that is a different culture than your own and to meet that family's unspoken expectations.
Your family sounds like my ILs. Even though my husband and I come from the same cultural background, his damn extended family was EXHAUSTING for the first few years of our relationship. So many stupid family events. Over time, they just started criticizing and gossiping about me because that's what they do - they gossip about the people who marry in. "Oh did you see what sent did? She barely said hi to auntie, didn't even say hi to uncle, and then walked away to go sulk in the corner. So rude." Except that is totally not what I did but I didn't have a video to prove it. Basically I was set up to fail all their expectations no matter how hard I tried. My husband was to blame in all of this because instead of stopping the gossip and standing up for me, he got involved in their drama and taunted me for it. I lost it the day MIL told me that the womenfolk in their family serve tea and dinner to the men. No, I will not be raising DD to serve tea to someone because they are a man. It's 2015, the men can make their own damn tea.
60th birthdays are not a thing for us. And in the situation you described, I'd go to 1 main event celebrating this and not every single little event.
Though to your original point #2, I was a stupid idiot when it came to parenting issues before I had DD. I judged parents really hard for being lame because they didn't come out and socialize. So on that point, maybe she's immature and didn't realize what it meant to leave an 11 month old for a 5 pm hockey game. Now that I'm a parent, I get it. But pre-DD, I wouldn't have.
She sounds pretty rude and immature, but I think you are so deep in BEC territory with her that even minor things are seeming huge (unless your parents are paying, who cares if she changed the wedding venue?).
At this point, I think you and your family just need to realize that she is who she is, and wishing she'd be different is just a waste of time and energy. You don't have to like her, and you don't have to give her so much power by allowing all of this to stress you out so much. Just realize that this is unfortunately the way things will be, and don't waste your time and energy thinking about what you wish would be different. If she doesn't ever come to holidays (which sounds awfully selfish to me, but at least she is being honest in advance, which allows your brother to decide if a spouse who will share holidays with his family is important to him), look on the bright side--you don't have to spend the holiday with someone you don't particularly care for!
You expect her to make your familiy's traditions a priority for your brother
You expect her to attend more than your moms dinner
You expect her to "try"
You have expectations. Many of them normal. But you do have them and it's clear she's not going to meet them. So - stop expecting anything of her. Do NOT try to win her approval. Good lord. That will backfire.
If you want to clear the slate, you just need to do it and move on. This is nothing to announce to her or involve her in. You do it for you. Period.
This woman is never going to be the person you want her to be.
I can't believe the amount of people who don't think that not greeting someone, not thanking someone for dinner and not offering to help is ungrateful and rude.
This isn't a difference of opinion. And how can we blame spunbutterfly for offering her SIL dinner? It's your own fault spunbutterfly, you shouldn't offer dinner 4 times a week. She wouldn't have to say thankyou if you didn't give so much. Bad bad bad.
I am sure for most of you, when you were first dating your H, and you went to the inlaws, you didn't just sit in the corner. You made an effort to impress people and be warm. Maybe offer to carry some plates to the kitchen. No?
As for the OP, I think the timing is too bad, but a bachelorette party isn't exactly cancel-able once friend is coming in from out of town. So I would not hold it against her for not coming. I would suggest to my brother that SIL send a personal card or a small gift from her with a 'sorry I couldn't make it - looking forward to celebrating 60more years with you' note. At a minimum.
I am caucasion-no-culture-american but I live in Korea and most of my friends here are (traditional) Koreans, so I get where you are coming from @spunbutterfly. It's hard to have a certain set of expectations and have to adjust them so much, for someone who seemingly doesn't try. Especially since I've learned what traditional Korean families expect from a first son's wife (I'm assuming he's the only male child). I'm sure your mother had great ideas for how it would be with her DIL, and this chick is blowing that all to hell. That sucks.
From your OP and subsequent posts, it sounds like she sucks as a person and that your brother has cold feet, which obviously means he shouldn't marry her. I don't know if she really sucks that much, but at this point there's not much you can do IMO. he probably will marry her, so you need to decide what kind of relationship you can salvage, or if you're willing to lose your brother over her. I also think you need to realize how much of your expectations do not line up with hers. You think her not washing dishes/cleaning up, and not greeting are rude. That is NOT necessarily rude in other western households. In some western families it's considered rude to ask your guests to help clean and do the dishes. I'm not saying you were wrong, just giving you perspective on how different your traditions probably are from hers. You say your BIL and DH have adapted to your family's traditions, but knowing what i know of Korean traditions I'm willing to bet money the expectations placed on your FSIL are different (read: crappier) than those placed on the male in-laws, or men in general. I'm sure you know that the concept of honoring one's elders/parents, in the Korean tradition, simply does not exist in western culture. The 60th birthday thing has been covered, but yes, it's not a thing in America like it is for Korean families. Milestone birthday parties are a thing, but it's not THE THING it is in Korean culture. Most people in America would not blink an eye at someone having a bachelorette party a few days before their FMIL's birthday party. I would be venting on GBCN if my ILs expected me to come to a 3-4 day birthday extravaganza for one of them. I didn't even go to my own parents' 60th bday parties. They went off with their friends.
I think your FSIL probably has no idea why you are so offended by her not doing dishes, or dedicating an entire weekend to a birthday. The fact that she comes over so often tells me she doesn't hate you. From an outside perspective, that tells me she actually wants to be your friend. That she shows up to family events tells me she's still willing to try. Sulking is a natural response when you go some place and feel judged and unwelcome. So maybe don't leap to "she started it" without knowing her perspective. I don't know at this point if you can salvage the relationship with her, but I think it would go a long way if you took her out for coffee or dinner or something and explained that you understand your family traditions are completely different from hers. And that you think it was unfair to expect her to do XYZ without explaining to her why that's important. And that you actually do want to be friends with her and continue to be close with your brother and you will try very hard not to impose your cultural values on her, but that if she wanted to improve the relations with your parents these "ridiculous" little acts are the only way to do that. (I'm just guessing she doesn't understand the significance of them.)
Or you can decide she's a terrible person, and that might be true, and you can try to wait out this star-crossed marriage and reconnect with your brother after the inevitable divorce. One of my good friends here is Korean who married a non-Korean. Her family can't stand him and will not stop guilt tripping her over all the reasons her husband sucks. It hurts her SO much. She moved overseas to get away from their negativity and is considering cutting all contact with them. I'd hate for that to happen to your family, so that's why I'm pushing for you trying to offer the olive branch and seeing where that goes.
This is all making me realize I was probably a terrible guest in my 20s I'm glad my in laws still like me, lol. I generally just shyly sit on the corner of the couch not speaking unless spoken to, expecting to be fed and not helping with cleanup. I'm pretty awkward about social cues though.
One question, but when your brother and fsil are over for dinner, does your brother help clean up? If yes, then I definitely understand the feeling of being taken advantage of. If no, then it's perfectly fine for her to follow his lead as a guest. She doesn't have to help just because she's female.
I can't believe the amount of people who don't think that not greeting someone, not thanking someone for dinner and not offering to help is ungrateful and rude.
This isn't a difference of opinion. And how can we blame spunbutterfly for offering her SIL dinner? It's your own fault spunbutterfly, you shouldn't offer dinner 4 times a week. She wouldn't have to say thankyou if you didn't give so much. Bad bad bad.
I am sure for most of you, when you were first dating your H, and you went to the inlaws, you didn't just sit in the corner. You made an effort to impress people and be warm. Maybe offer to carry some plates to the kitchen. No?
As for the OP, I think the timing is too bad, but a bachelorette party isn't exactly cancel-able once friend is coming in from out of town. So I would not hold it against her for not coming. I would suggest to my brother that SIL send a personal card or a small gift from her with a 'sorry I couldn't make it - looking forward to celebrating 60more years with you' note. At a minimum.
Granted I didn't read all the posts but I don't think anyone is saying the SIL isn't rude.
I think most people are saying it's ok for OP to not like her SIL, but stop causing unnecessary drama and expectations.
You can't change another person's behavior, so why let it affect you? I would not care if someone came to a family event and sulked in the corner. I'm not letting someone else's negativity bring me down.
Of course OPs brother should try to attend his moms 60th Bday party, but they don't even like the SIL so who cares If she comes to the party? I also wouldn't suggest she write a card, she's a grown adult and can decide if she wants to send a card or not.