Tell me about your 6/7 yo

[Bernadine]

Especially boys.

DSS is having a hard time listening to the teacher in school.  His mom was texting h the other night saying she just doesn't know what to do- which is a hugely big deal, because she's always trying to act like the superior parent who always does the right thing.

Anyway- probably 3 days out of 5, he comes home from school with a "good choices" card, which they give to remind kids that misbehave to make good choices.  He got sent to the principle's office the other day as well.

I think that both h and bio mom could be a little more strict, but I think they both feel guilt over him having to go between two households.  Unfortunately, they don't really have the kind of relationship where they can figure this out together.  Bio mom had a baby around mid-March.  DSS has handled it better than I thought he would, and he was having school issues prior to that.  Basically, all school year.

How do you know what's normal, and what can be solved with discipline?  What types of discipline do you use for your kid?

[ECB]

Well, I don't discipline DS for stuff that happens at school. I just feel that I need to let the school handle what happens at school. Now, granted, DS is a pretty good kid and there really haven't been any big problems. He's been sent to the principals office twice but for events that didn't necessitate a call home.

But what kind of issues exactly is he having? You say not listening, but what exactly does that mean? Can you give an example?

I will ask this because DSs teacher just asked us this at our conference - when does DSS go to bed? Is he getting enough sleep? DSs teacher was doing an informal poll. When we told her about 7:30, she said she could tell- DS is pretty even keeled throughout the day and she feels this is partially due to getting enough sleep. I suspect that parents of her less well-behaved kids are telling her that their child goes to bed later and that a part of the problem is a lack of sleep.

[Bernadine]

May 13, 2015 8:18:10 GMT -5 ECB said:

Well, I don't discipline DS for stuff that happens at school. I just feel that I need to let the school handle what happens at school. Now, granted, DS is a pretty good kid and there really haven't been any big problems. He's been sent to the principals office twice but for events that didn't necessitate a call home.

But what kind of issues exactly is he having? You say not listening, but what exactly does that mean? Can you give an example?

I will ask this because DSs teacher just asked us this at our conference - when does DSS go to bed? Is he getting enough sleep? DSs teacher was doing an informal poll. When we told her about 7:30, she said she could tell- DS is pretty even keeled throughout the day and she feels this is partially due to getting enough sleep. I suspect that parents of her less well-behaved kids are telling her that their child goes to bed later and that a part of the problem is a lack of sleep.

He goes to bed around 7:30, asleep by 8.  Up at 5:30, although later recently, since his mom is on maternity leave and he doesn't have to go to before school care.

He just...doesn't listen.  He can be very negative.  When you say anything, his first instinct is to say "no."  He gets a lot of the cards for talking during class and not keeping his hands to himself.

When he's home with us, he is SUCH a little smartass.  OMG.  And then you call him out on it, and he says he was just kidding.

[hopecounts]

Your H and DSS Mom need to have a joint conference with his teacher and discuss this as a team.
I would also be considering ADHD, which can cause impulsivity meaning he wants to do better but is incapable of thinking before he acts/talks.
He may just be suffering from his parents going easy on him at home but if there is something he can't help better to start addressing it now using classroom supports to help him make as much progress without meds as possible

[cbwm1]

I was also going to suggest going to his pedi for an eval for ADHD.

Now, this should NOT be one of his parents going to the pedi and saying GIVE HIM MEDS! It should involve sending evals home with you for each parent/step parent, teacher, etc to fill out. And a holistic view of behaviors at home and at school.

If it's not ADHD, is it possible he might need some therapy to talk through all of the major changes that have happened in his life over the last year or so?

[Deleted]

We were having some issues with DS talking back, not listening, etc. A friend told us about how Taekwondo was helping her son with listening issues and we thought we would try it out. We have been doing it now almost 3 months and the change I see in DS is amazing. He is much more respectful and listens to me. Part of the teachings of Taekwondo are courtesy, integrity, perseverance, patience and self-discipline. Our instructor is fun and gentle but firm with the students. Look on yelp for a studio nearby with a good rating. Most of them have an intro package of $39-$40 for the first two weeks and it comes with a free uniform. As of right now DS loves it. He wants to go 3x per week, stresses the need to be on time and is really into it.

[Bernadine]

I appreciate these suggestions, and I'm sure h will as well. I'll be passing them along to him.

[jeaniebueller]

May 13, 2015 8:21:42 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

May 13, 2015 8:18:10 GMT -5 ECB said:

Well, I don't discipline DS for stuff that happens at school. I just feel that I need to let the school handle what happens at school. Now, granted, DS is a pretty good kid and there really haven't been any big problems. He's been sent to the principals office twice but for events that didn't necessitate a call home.

But what kind of issues exactly is he having? You say not listening, but what exactly does that mean? Can you give an example?

I will ask this because DSs teacher just asked us this at our conference - when does DSS go to bed? Is he getting enough sleep? DSs teacher was doing an informal poll. When we told her about 7:30, she said she could tell- DS is pretty even keeled throughout the day and she feels this is partially due to getting enough sleep. I suspect that parents of her less well-behaved kids are telling her that their child goes to bed later and that a part of the problem is a lack of sleep.

He goes to bed around 7:30, asleep by 8.  Up at 5:30, although later recently, since his mom is on maternity leave and he doesn't have to go to before school care.

He just...doesn't listen.  He can be very negative.  When you say anything, his first instinct is to say "no."  He gets a lot of the cards for talking during class and not keeping his hands to himself.

When he's home with us, he is SUCH a little smartass.  OMG.  And then you call him out on it, and he says he was just kidding.

A lot of this just sounds normal. Or at least similar to my 6.5 year old. Not listening is huge right now. You pick your battles. I have limited (actually taken away right now because he is under punishment) electronics and now that the weather is turned, he will be spending much more time outside getting physical activity. YOur H and DSS's mom really need to be on the same page, especially since he has so much turmoil with the new baby.

[joenali]

His mom just had a baby, that's a huge change. I don't think I'd jump to the adhd thing so quickly. What else is his teacher doing at school? A personal behavior chart might work. Focus on one goal like following directions the first time, every time he does that he he can get a certain amount of points/stars and earn something he likes.

[joenali]

And I agree in some counseling as well.

[cbwm1]

May 13, 2015 8:33:35 GMT -5 joenali said:

His mom just had a baby, that's a huge change. I don't think I'd jump to the adhd thing so quickly. What else is his teacher doing at school? A personal behavior chart might work. Focus on one goal like following directions the first time, every time he does that he he can get a certain amount of points/stars and earn something he likes.

I agree that ADHD should be a last resort type of thing.

Come up with a behavior chart for him, and then give that a couple months to work.

His dad getting remarried is a big deal, his mom having a baby is a big deal, etc. While it seems on the outside that he's coping well with all of it, it may really be that he just isn't sure how to deal with all of his emotions.

[Deleted]

I want to add too as a mom of a 6 year old boy, this all sounds pretty normal especially when he knows he can push the boundaries and won't have any real repercussions. We were never lax on parenting but had different styles and it showed as DS would literally play us of each other and manipulate to get what he wanted. There was lots of talking back, lying and not listening. This has all changed and seeing the changes in DS had caused DH and I to be a better united force on the parenting front. I think some communication on punishments, etc.. Need to happen so he will know that if he is trouble at mom's house he will still be in trouble when he goes to Dad's. I know the communication is not great between them but for the sake of their son they need to communicate on these issues. I grew up surrounded by step brothers and sisters and we all knew that if we were in trouble at one house it carried over to the other. My parents had it written out as far as what the agreed upon punishments would be and agreed that they would be implemented at each home and it worked. I really think the change needs to start with the parents.

[Bernadine]

And I totally agree that it should start with the parents. Bio mom, in the past, has not been open to trying to work with h. Not that h is perfect, but he understands that they are both parents to dss, regardless of what happended in their marriage.

[Monica Geller]

Is he going back and forth between his mom and dads during the school week? Do you notice any behavior patterns based on who he stayed with the night before?

I've also had students with parents that they struggle with have more discipline problems on days surrounding the days they stay with them. (X is acting out b/c he's going to his moms for the weekend, etc).

I'm not saying this is a problem in your case, just something to consider.

[Bernadine]

May 13, 2015 8:44:31 GMT -5 Monica Geller said:

Is he going back and forth between his mom and dads during the school week? Do you notice any behavior patterns based on who he stayed with the night before?

I've also had students with parents that they struggle with have more discipline problems on days surrounding the days they stay with them. (X is acting out b/c he's going to his moms for the weekend, etc).

I'm not saying this is a problem in your case, just something to consider.

No- he used to come to our house on Wednesday nights, but when he started having trouble at the beginning of the school year, h realized that might have been part of the problem, and agreed to give up the Wednesday nights.  Obviously, it did not make a difference.

[revolution]

I think it all sounds completely normal. At least from what I deal with with my 7 y/o (although, girl) and what I hear the other moms in her class deal with.

I don't punish at home for what happens at school. Except when the teacher called and said she had no clue what else to do with DD. I came down on her hard and took all kinds of stuff away from her until she had some good reports. Now, we are back to operating as normal. "I lost 5 min of recess today". me: "why" her: "talking in line". me: "guess you won't do that anymore".

But, really, what you described above seems pretty par for the course with 7 year olds.

[Monica Geller]

May 13, 2015 8:46:11 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

May 13, 2015 8:44:31 GMT -5 Monica Geller said:

Is he going back and forth between his mom and dads during the school week? Do you notice any behavior patterns based on who he stayed with the night before?

I've also had students with parents that they struggle with have more discipline problems on days surrounding the days they stay with them. (X is acting out b/c he's going to his moms for the weekend, etc).

I'm not saying this is a problem in your case, just something to consider.

No- he used to come to our house on Wednesday nights, but when he started having trouble at the beginning of the school year, h realized that might have been part of the problem, and agreed to give up the Wednesday nights.  Obviously, it did not make a difference.

It's good your h is willing to make changes based on what your DSS needs!

My guess is it's all the changes in his life (new baby, school) combined with being 6.