Question RE: Depressed Spouse

[ae123]

Does anyone have experience in dealing with a depressed spouse who won’t seek treatment?

So far he is being adamant about not getting help. He says by seeking treatment, it will just prove how weak he is.

He has gone to therapy and been on anti-depressants before, and seen huge improvements from both. Inevitably he stops going or stops taking the meds, and we end up right back in the same place.

I used to be able to justify staying because while he was depressed, it didn’t really affect our relationship too much, and the good times were amazing. Now it seems like the “good” times aren’t as good, and the bad times are really, really bad.

Some days I feel like I should just cut out now. I’m still quite young (mid-late 20’s), we don’t have kids or own a home together or anything of the sort. Earlier this year I started seeing a therapist again, and after a few sessions he told me it was pretty apparent that my only issue was that I needed to decide if I wanted to stay in my marriage or not, and at that time I wasn’t ready to pull the trigger on leaving. While I still don’t want to leave, I feel like I’m getting closer to being fed up to the point of walking out.

So, has anyone been through this before? What did you do? Any advice or encouragement?

[spedrunner]

I could have written this myself. I am sorry I have no advice, you can not make someone do something they do not want to do its a viscous cycle. Please PM me if you want to talk, I swear i could have written this word for word myself....

[kellbell191]

DH had some depression issues and only recently sought treatment. But, its never been a huge issue for us in our relationship, its just hard to see him unhappy. I think it depends on the person. For him, he had to decide to go on his own, I encouraged him and offered to make the appt, go, whatever needed to happen but he had to pull the trigger. In your case, I think you need to make the appointment and point blank tell him you need him to go because he is unhappy and it is spilling over and affecting other parts of the marriage.

Have you done couples counseling before? I've been treated for depression before and it can be hard and frustrating to go through, but I also feel like he has a responsibility to you and the other people in his life to not make your lives shitty as well.

[Bernadine]

My situation wasn't exactly the same, but xh had a drinking problem, and knew it, and did nothing to address it. I finally had to decide that I couldn't spend the rest of my life taking care of him, and wondering when it was going to happen again, that if he wasn't going to help himself, I still deserved to have a life without those issues.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. You may eventually get to the point where you're just done. Keep seeing your counselor, and try to take care of yourself.

[ae123]

Aug 14, 2012 14:15:34 GMT -5 kellbell191 said:

Have you done couples counseling before? I've been treated for depression before and it can be hard and frustrating to go through, but I also feel like he has a responsibility to you and the other people in his life to not make your lives shitty as well.

No, he refuses couples counseling as well.

I have dealt with depression before, so I know how difficult it can be. I also know how wonderful it feels to be on the other side of it.

[EmilieMadison]

Ask him if he'd rather admit he needs help and allow the two of you to work towards a happier life together, or if he'd rather continue suffering and eventually lose you because of it?

[kellbell191]

Aug 14, 2012 14:17:52 GMT -5 ae123 said:

Aug 14, 2012 14:15:34 GMT -5 kellbell191 said:

Have you done couples counseling before? I've been treated for depression before and it can be hard and frustrating to go through, but I also feel like he has a responsibility to you and the other people in his life to not make your lives shitty as well.

No, he refuses couples counseling as well.

I have dealt with depression before, so I know how difficult it can be. I also know how wonderful it feels to be on the other side of it.

Have you asked, or have you told him this marriage is going in the shitter if you don't go with me?

[cheesierthanchedda]

Aug 14, 2012 14:22:02 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

Ask him if he'd rather admit he needs help and allow the two of you to work towards a happier life together, or if he'd rather continue suffering and eventually lose you because of it?

Yep.

[lazyphoque]

I always come back to the same thing when people have these kinds of issues - I wouldn't be ok with my h refusing to appropriately attend to his medical condition if he had diabetes, and as such I wouldn't be ok with it if he wouldn't attend to depression/addiction/the herp/any medical issue. I know it can be a rough road, but I will always feel like my partner needs to take care of himself in the most basic ways, be responsible for his own actions, and be responsible for his half of our relationship.

Do you think you might get further with him if you framed it that way? I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

[ae123]

Aug 14, 2012 14:22:02 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

Ask him if he'd rather admit he needs help and allow the two of you to work towards a happier life together, or if he'd rather continue suffering and eventually lose you because of it?

I have.

He generally just shuts down and walks away, or gets very angry and says I can't force him to get help, he can work on his depression on his own.

At that point I am so angry that I can't even respond rationally. Responding irrationally makes things worse, so lately, I just don't respond at all.

[ae123]

Aug 14, 2012 14:26:10 GMT -5 lazyphoque said:

I always come back to the same thing when people have these kinds of issues - I wouldn't be ok with my h refusing to appropriately attend to his medical condition if he had diabetes, and as such I wouldn't be ok with it if he wouldn't attend to depression/addiction/the herp/any medical issue. I know it can be a rough road, but I will always feel like my partner needs to take care of himself in the most basic ways, be responsible for his own actions, and be responsible for his half of our relationship.

Do you think you might get further with him if you framed it that way? I'm sorry you're dealing with this.

I've tried that.

He doesn't view depression as a medical issue.

He thinks if he just works on himself, he will be able to magically fix it. Obviously, that is not the case.

[kellbell191]

I would just flip it on him and stress that it isn't about him being stressed or sick or broken or not being able to deal with it himself, its about me and me needing him to go and talk to someone. Or for us both to go and talk to someone. I would say I need it, therefore I need you to do it. Period.

Even if DH doesn't think something is important or can't bring himself to do something just for himself, he will do it for me. That gives your DH a way to get in the door to help but not have to admit fault or face his own shame (which apparently he feels)

[EmilieMadison]

Aug 14, 2012 14:28:53 GMT -5 ae123 said:

Aug 14, 2012 14:22:02 GMT -5 EmilieMadison said:

Ask him if he'd rather admit he needs help and allow the two of you to work towards a happier life together, or if he'd rather continue suffering and eventually lose you because of it?

I have.

He generally just shuts down and walks away, or gets very angry and says I can't force him to get help, he can work on his depression on his own.

At that point I am so angry that I can't even respond rationally. Responding irrationally makes things worse, so lately, I just don't respond at all.

You can't force him to get help, but he can't force you to be in a miserable marriage.


The bottom line is that you've laid it out there for him and he's choosing to continue the misery, knowing it will cost him your marriage, because he is either ashamed or embarrassed to acknowledge that this is a problem. The fact that he dosent even veiw depression as a medical issue means that he doesnt believe he CAN be helped. So, unfortunately, I think you have your answer

I'm really sorry for what you have to deal with. But it sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders and that you are prepared to deal with what it will take to start over (and why that choice may be best for you).

[ae123]

Thank you for the advice and kind words, ladies. :heart:

This has been really difficult for me, as I don't really have a great support system IRL.

We've got a big event we are commited to at the end of the month, so I'm trying to get through that point, and then I can start trying to make some really big decisions.

[ae123]

Sonrisa - Thank you for sharing that. It really helps to see someone has gone through something like this and come out the other side intact.

I'm honestly not as hopeful for my situation based on H's history, but I am so happy that you guys were able to work through it.

[saraandmichael]

You are much more patient that I would be. If I were in your shoes, I think I'd already be done and out the door. Sharing a life with someone with issues that they refuse to address has got to be insurmountably difficult.

[scotty]

Ultimatums may be in order.

[sonrisa]

I can understand having less hope for him. I do have hope for you - hope that you can come out of this in a better place.

[Deleted]

My aunt (married into the family) tries, has for the last 14 years. To be honest, I don't know why she doesn't leave him. Especially after I became very depressed and have been made better by medication and STAYING ON my medication. I don't understand the not wanting to stay well mentality my uncle has.

Now he's been unemployed for 6 years, refuses to look for work, does very little around the house and she's essentially been a single mom to their 3 kids because my uncle is useless. He does very little to help. If she leaves a list he may fold the laundry. Or put a load in the wash. Or take a pot from the fridge and put it in the oven. But not all three. And not without detailed instructions.

I don't know how she does it.

He seems to be improving and staying on his meds finally. But he had to get serious about seeking help and sticking with the doctor's plan and accepting he is on medication for life. He still refuses to discuss looking for work though. And I'm not sure any of us truly believe he can stay well. We hope, but we aren't really hopeful if that makes sense.

I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[flex]

It seems like many men feel that they're a failure as a man if they go into counseling.

I agree with the others--an ultimatum is in order at this point in the game.

[daringmiss]

Ditto the previous poster's reference to diabetes...

Chronic depression is no different than diabetes -- both are a misfunction in the body's chemistry. Ask him if he would tell someone with Type I diabetes to tough it out or forego insulin. Of course not.

[pbear]

Yes, so I started going to counseling on my own with the goal of learning ways to make our marriage better. Eventually he joined in, and even got his own counselor which helped him a ton. We divorced after about a year of counseling, mainly because he was lying to his counselor (I would have to go and clarify things, then they'd work on that for a few weeks, then start over) and all of the hurt from when he was depressed was just something I couldn't get over.

That's kind of a bittersweet reply, but honestly counseling was the best thing for both of us. It helped me make a confident decision and improve on some things, and it helped him when he used it properly.