NMMR: family and secrets

[hamster]

How unfair for your MIL to put you in that position. You need to tell your husband.

[cjeanette]

She put you in an awful position. If I would you I would tell your husband.

[UnderProtest]

Yes, I would tell my husband. It is unfair for your mil to unburden herself on you and expect you not to tell your husband (who may or may not want to get involved).

[raangoli]

Why doesn't she want you to tell your husband? That seems odd to me. I would absolutely tell him.

[Deleted]

You have to tell him. Imagine how hurt he would be if he found out later that you knew and didn't say anything.

Depending on your relationship with your MIL, I'd tell her that too. Or ask her not to tell you things you can't share with your H. That's a terrible position to put you in.

[mskitkat]

I do not keep secrets from DH. I can't keep a secret ever anyway, but that's beside the point. I would, however, inform MiL that I would be telling DH and not to put me in that position again.

[mbcdefg]

May 19, 2015 15:28:19 GMT -5 mskitkat said:

I do not keep secrets from DH. I can't keep a secret ever anyway, but that's beside the point. I would, however, inform MiL that I would be telling DH and not to put me in that position again.

All of this. 

She also needs to know that it's best not to keep an adult child in the dark. My parents did that with us when Dad had cancer, almost right up until the end (we were 28, 24, and 22 when he died) - it led to a lot of hurt, embarrassment (like when a friend asked me how his surgery went, when I had had no idea that he had surgery), and resentment. 

[dr.girlfriend]

I would email her back and say, "Listen, I appreciate your trust, but I do not appreciate being put in the position of keeping secrets from my husband. Please tell DH by this weekend, or I will tell him myself, and in future please understand that anything you tell me is something that I will potentially share with DH, particularly when it concerns him so directly." Seriously, WTF.

[raangoli]

May 19, 2015 15:28:37 GMT -5 @domerjen said:

May 19, 2015 15:25:09 GMT -5 raangoli said:

Why doesn't she want you to tell your husband? That seems odd to me. I would absolutely tell him.

I have no idea. It's a common theme - I can only think that they believe they are protecting the boys (DH and bil)

Mil and I are close, and I am always asking when we are concerned - DH never wants to "pry".

I think like PPs have said, if you are close, I would tell her that you are going to tell your husband since he needs to know. I would hate though for that to backfire and have her think she can't confide in you in the future.

[orangeblossom]

That is a horrible position she put you in. I like DrG's suggestion of giving her a time frame.

[Deleted]

May 19, 2015 15:36:59 GMT -5 @vicmo said:

I wouldn't keep it a secret from my h long term, but I like the suggestion of offering for her to tell him within X days or you'll do it yourself.

+1. This is exactly what I would do. How unfair of your MIL.

[awkwardpenguin]

I agree you should ask her to tell him herself or you will. She's put you in an impossible situation.

[badgergrl]

My dh and I on a fairly normal basis go into each other's emails looking for things (someone's address, an online receipt etc)

I would have dh tell mil hat he saw the email and confront her.

But I am in no way above lying.

I agree with others it is crazy unfair for your MIL to ask you to keep stuff from your dh.

[aurora]

May 19, 2015 16:23:08 GMT -5 @domerjen said:

Would anyone just keep status quo and stay the confidant (while telling DH) so that we potentially know wtf is going on?

Also, would you tell BIL? I don't think telling these two is going to result in them talking to mil or FIL about it - they won't try to tell him what to do. It'd just be for information. BIL lives 5 hours away.

The only reason I wouldn't tell H something is if I truly believed it was better for him not to know. For example, his estranged aunt was badmouthing him to me over something stupid that would never impact him; I wouldn't pass it along because there's no point in getting him riled up over her idiocy. In this case, I would be more concerned about my relationship with H than my relationship with MIL, and I know he would be devastated if I didn't tell him and he found out later that I knew.

I would likely tell her that I was going to tell him, but if you really think she'll stop telling you any news in that case I might consider not telling her.

I would leave it up to H whether to tell BIL or not.

[Deleted]

I would definitely tell him. Sorry, MIL. DH's grandma has this same diagnosis so I understand the issues with treatment but I also know, from experience with grandma, that something as simple as a uti or other mild infection can present as symptoms of the disease. When grandma appears to relapse we take her to the doc and determine if is is the disease, medication issues, or an infection. She ends up at the doctor every few month and it is almost always an infection that is triggering the symptoms. She gets some antibiotics and is back to her usual, mildly unhealthy, self.

[dexteroni]

Oh man, I'm sorry you got bad news and that you're dealing with this MIL situation. Serious illness is hard enough without family weirdness.

I agree with everyone else that of course I would tell my DH. His trust comes before hers. I like the idea of giving her the chance to tell him herself or you'll tell him for her. Since you're close, I would send a loving reply explaining why.

"MIL, I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope you can convince FIL to get treatment. I'll be glad to attempt to help with that if you want me to.

I'm also glad to be here for you to vent when you need to, and you can always come to me for an ear, support, help, anything. But I have to tell you that this isn't something I feel comfortable keeping from DH. He and I trust each other to be up front about big news, and it's really important to me not to betray that trust. He's going to have to find out about this eventually, and it would hurt him even more to find out that I had known about it all along and kept it from him.

Plus, it's more fair to let him know now. He deserves the chance to process this latest development in real time, like you, FIL, and I are. I know you're trying to protect him, and I know you're doing it out of love, but it will be so much harder on him if it hits him all at once when things are much more serious. I know you don't want that.

If you want to call him tonight, between X:00 and Y:00 is probably best. Otherwise, I'll fill him in later tonight after the kids are asleep. Thank you for understanding why I need to share this with him. Please know that DH and I are always there for you and FIL for anything you ever need. We'll get through this together.

Love, DomerJen"