As a concerned neighbor, when would you call police?

[pandora]

I'm not sure there's anything from your POV to request a RO but it sounds like she needs to get one. I'm sad to hear that she's arguing on the phone with him. I don't know is they have kids, but I would absolutely not participate with one who is giving me a hard time never mind worse.... It doesn't sound like you're in danger but I would mention to her that she has the right to TELL him to not come by and to not call her. They can deal with things legally. PERIOD. She should tell him that she doesn't want him coming by her place - that's her right. I'm sorry for her. The rest is building a case for a RO if it gets worse, unfortunately. I hope it doesn't.

[Deleted]

pandora, he was just here banging on front door like a mad man. M text me that she is scared.  J opened the door and told him he needed to leave. He was drunk and looks as though he was in a physical fight (black eye). He had a rather abrasive conversation and I was afraid it would escalate. I was ready to call police.  Finally he was saying if we closed the door he'd continue to bang and I threatened to call police.  We closed door and think he left. My poor neighbor has her door barricaded and is scared because she said he threatened her.  
He knows the owner of this house pretty well.  I'm debating calling the LL tomorrow. 

[Deleted]

Next time he comes call the police. For sure.
At the very least it starts to create a paper trail. When the police come you can ask their advice on how to handle in the future.

[Deleted]

May 25, 2015 22:16:02 GMT -5 @bk said:

Next time he comes call the police. For sure.
At the very least it starts to create a paper trail. When the police come you can ask their advice on how to handle in the future.

I hate confrontation. If I feel that anyone is threatened or is in danger, I will not hesitate to call. But at this point i feel weird making a judgement call on this woman's behalf (unless of course she is in immediate danger).  She seems to have a crazy ex/Stbx, but if she's still engaging his contact (which she seems to be) then I'm not sure I should get law enforcement involved. 

[Deleted]

May 25, 2015 22:44:07 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

May 25, 2015 22:16:02 GMT -5 @bk said:

Next time he comes call the police. For sure.
At the very least it starts to create a paper trail. When the police come you can ask their advice on how to handle in the future.

I hate confrontation. If I feel that anyone is threatened or is in danger, I will not hesitate to call. But at this point i feel weird making a judgement call on this woman's behalf (unless of course she is in immediate danger).  She seems to have a crazy ex/Stbx, but if she's still engaging his contact (which she seems to be) then I'm not sure I should get law enforcement involved. 

You never know calling the police could save her life.  My co-worker was murdered in our office parking lot last year by her estranged husband.  I guess I'm overly cautious because of that. 

[Deleted]

May 25, 2015 22:49:14 GMT -5 @bk said:

May 25, 2015 22:44:07 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

I hate confrontation. If I feel that anyone is threatened or is in danger, I will not hesitate to call. But at this point i feel weird making a judgement call on this woman's behalf (unless of course she is in immediate danger).  She seems to have a crazy ex/Stbx, but if she's still engaging his contact (which she seems to be) then I'm not sure I should get law enforcement involved. 

You never know calling the police could save her life.  My co-worker was murdered in our office parking lot last year by her estranged husband.  I guess I'm overly cautious because of that. 

OMG.  That is so sad and scary. 

[MauMau]

Please call next time. I lived in an apartment and I know my neighbors could of heard the screaming. No one ever called 911 on us. And I was always too scared to. Even if she's still engaging him that shouldn't be a reason for you not to call. She likely is so far into the situation she doesn't even know it's wrong.

[Deleted]

I would also call for my own personal safety. Who knows what he's likely to do. Someone yelling outside of my home threatening someone and banging on my door would totally be grounds for calling the police in my book. I have done it before and I would do it again.

[mcc]

When it doubt, call. Better safe than sorry. I've called the police on hipsters who forgot their keys and were using a fire escape - I thought they were burglarizing the place. Someone's safety (as well as your own) is definitely worthy of a call. A call could save her life. It can also provide a history of violent or aggressive behavior on record if M or someone else finally decides to take action against him.

[Deleted]

Please call. I once called on a neighbor who was beating the crap out of his girlfriend AND the dog. Cops seized the dog and the girlfriend never came back.

[bl]

I would agree with calling just for documentation purposes in case this escalates.

[calle28]

Yes, I would call. For your safety and hers.

[1confused1]

Ask M what she wants you to do if he shows up again.

But if you are scared for her or your safety, call the police.

If he was drunk, you wouldn't want him getting in a car and driving.

[riverpestie]

If you're worried for your safety, call the police.
ANd I agree with the pp, ask M what she wants you to do next time.

[pandora]

This was your front door that he was banging on? At midnight? If so, next time I'd call the police. He's disturbing the peace among other things. If your LL knows him, yeah I'd call them today too. Your neighbor needs to get an RO if he's threatening her and showing up like that. She needs to cut off contact with this lunatic.

[Wanderista]

I agree that you are basically a witness to what is happening and so you can help to provide documentation to the police especially if this is an ongoing situation. I also agree that if he is disturbing you then that's something to report as well. 

One time after BF had recently moved into the place where he lives now, we could hear a domestic argument that went on basically all night - hours of crying and raised voices. It didn't sound violent, just kind of annoying for someone trying to sleep. It only happened the once but if it had become a recurrent thing then we would have needed to report it (to the building management, not police for something like that). For something more violent and scary? Yeah, that isn't acceptable or something that you want to become a regular thing.

[Deleted]

May 26, 2015 9:30:49 GMT -5 pandora said:

This was your front door that he was banging on? At midnight? If so, next time I'd call the police. He's disturbing the peace among other things. If your LL knows him, yeah I'd call them today too. Your neighbor needs to get an RO if he's threatening her and showing up like that. She needs to cut off contact with this lunatic.

Yes it was the one door of our two family house. I called my mom's bf this morning who knows both M's ex and our LL. He said the ex is kinda crazy in general and he would call our LL as well.

[Deleted]

What, exactly, do you expect the off-site landlord to do?

[Deleted]

May 26, 2015 9:21:56 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

Ask M what she wants you to do if he shows up again.

But if you are scared for her or your safety, call the police.

If he was drunk, you wouldn't want him getting in a car and driving.

She said has no issue with me calling the police. Why she won't do it...I'm not sure.
Yes he was drunk, but lives in walking distance.

[1confused1]

May 26, 2015 10:14:33 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

May 26, 2015 9:21:56 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

Ask M what she wants you to do if he shows up again.

But if you are scared for her or your safety, call the police.

If he was drunk, you wouldn't want him getting in a car and driving.

She said has no issue with me calling the police. Why she won't do it...I'm not sure.
Yes he was drunk, but lives in walking distance.

She won't do it because she's scared. Trust me, I've been there.

[glitzyglow]

If she's scared of him, I'd call any time he showed up uninvited.

[Deleted]

I spoke with LL today. He said to call police as needed. Apparently this drama is not new. And apparently she was posting pics on fb of them together away on vacation a few weeks ago. LL is fb friends with her. I don't get it.

[pandora]

May 26, 2015 12:16:23 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

I spoke with LL today. He said to call police as needed. Apparently this drama is not new. And apparently she was posting pics on fb of them together away on vacation a few weeks ago. LL is fb friends with her. I don't get it.

Toxic relationship and she's not getting out of this anytime soon.   Keep working on finding a new place since they're selling anyway and call the police when he's being being loud after hours and being a public drunk. Doing it anonymously - I don't want you guys getting his wrath...seems she could share with him. Use this as motivation to keep looking for a new place!!!

[Deleted]

May 26, 2015 22:52:16 GMT -5 pandora said:

May 26, 2015 12:16:23 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

I spoke with LL today. He said to call police as needed. Apparently this drama is not new. And apparently she was posting pics on fb of them together away on vacation a few weeks ago. LL is fb friends with her. I don't get it.

Toxic relationship and she's not getting out of this anytime soon.   Keep working on finding a new place since they're selling anyway and call the police when he's being being loud after hours and being a public drunk. Doing it anonymously - I don't want you guys getting his wrath...seems she could share with him. Use this as motivation to keep looking for a new place!!!

True.  We are still actively looking.  Ugh! Hope we find something soon!  I feel sorry for her.  

[mcc]

She won't call because she's scared. It's hard to understand unless you've been there yourself or sometimes hard to understand after you've had the veil lifted.

Don't be frustrated if you end up calling and everything is honkey-dory the next day or if she ignores you or yells at you for calling. That doesn't mean that you shouldn't call - in fact, it's only more of a reason why you should (because she won't). You don't have to understand or see instant results to help someone in an abusive relationship. You did the right thing by asking here and you'll be doing the right thing if you call next time.

[Deleted]

Thanks mcc. You said it really well. I had a toxic relationship with xh and no neighbor ever called law enforcement or reached out to help so I guess I feel strange about it. I want to help this woman if I can. I guess I sort of feel paralyzed and enraged at the same time. I remember the fear I felt and no one should feel that way. I will call next time.

[jojoandleo]

May 26, 2015 12:16:23 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

I spoke with LL today. He said to call police as needed. Apparently this drama is not new. And apparently she was posting pics on fb of them together away on vacation a few weeks ago. LL is fb friends with her. I don't get it.

This sounds judgey. A few weeks ago is not yesterday. And even if it was, today he is harassing her. NOTHING makes that okay. Also, there is a thing called the cycle of abuse. It's super difficult to get out of that cycle. Just because she falls back into his web doesn't mean she is undeserving of compassion or someone looking out for her.

[Deleted]

May 27, 2015 13:25:04 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

May 26, 2015 12:16:23 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

I spoke with LL today. He said to call police as needed. Apparently this drama is not new. And apparently she was posting pics on fb of them together away on vacation a few weeks ago. LL is fb friends with her. I don't get it.

This sounds judgey. A few weeks ago is not yesterday. And even if it was, today he is harassing her. NOTHING makes that okay. Also, there is a thing called the cycle of abuse. It's super difficult to get out of that cycle. Just because she falls back into his web doesn't mean she is undeserving of compassion or someone looking out for her.

I didn't mean to come across as judging. I never said she's undeserving of compassion. I feel sorry for her situation. It's just hard as an outsider to see someone in the cycle. It's sad.

[jojoandleo]

May 27, 2015 14:27:19 GMT -5 @blueyes623 said:

May 27, 2015 13:25:04 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

This sounds judgey. A few weeks ago is not yesterday. And even if it was, today he is harassing her. NOTHING makes that okay. Also, there is a thing called the cycle of abuse. It's super difficult to get out of that cycle. Just because she falls back into his web doesn't mean she is undeserving of compassion or someone looking out for her.

I didn't mean to come across as judging. I never said she's undeserving of compassion. I feel sorry for her situation. It's just hard as an outsider to see someone in the cycle. It's sad.

I can understand that. I spent a lot of time on the VPO clinic in law school, so I tend to get my hackles up over this stuff. I know you are compassionate.