As for some people pointing out that he only gets to play with certain toys while she is sleeping - it's because he doesn't want to share his toys. So I tell him that he can either share his toy with his sister while she is awake, or wait until she sleeps to have his toy to himself. But yes, now I can also see why that would cause him to not have her around.
tonight I tried giving him extra attention while DD was around - I'll keep trying and see if he improves.
I think speaking to your pedi is a good idea. 4.5 year olds are pretty expressive and I would be concerned too about his aggression. My brother and I have that age difference, and there were equal parts of fighting and affection but he never would intentionally hurt me (eg, just kick me while I was lying there) or tell our parents that he didn't love me.
I know some families think it's normal for siblings to fight. DH and I are on the same page that we want our children (DS is 3.5 and DD is 6 months) to play cooperatively and be loving toward each other so we model that behavior and reward it. We tell DS's preschool friends who visit and are prone to fighting that "we don't fight in this house" (and yes, they still love to visit our house!).
Who knows, it may change when DD gets older but right now, DS is a loving and protective older brother. When his preschool friends crowd around her during pickup, he throws himself over her and tells his friends not to hurt her.
Post by vanillacourage on Aug 16, 2012 9:33:14 GMT -5
Just coming back to this thread because I was thinking about it while watching my own kids interact last night. OP, you said your daughter is 2.5? IMO that's old enough for her to start understanding that some of her brother's toys are off-limits (and maybe she gets to designate a few of her toys as being off-limits to him, or each kid gets to keep some toys in their room and whenever they want to play with those special toys they can take a break from the sibling and go play there). I'd also make sure that you're not still treating your DD like a baby around which the household revolves.
We've really stressed that his role is to take care of and help his little brother. I'm not sure that's what did it, but they get along for now.
He helps get his brother water brush his teeth read books find his loveys, etc. giving him big brother type duties seems to make him feel protective and proud of kid 2 and himself.
Ditto.
The issues you are describing sound like they maybe go beyond normal jealousy? His lack of any empathy and wanting to actually hurt her are troubling. If I were in your shoes I'd probably take him to a counselor to find out if there are bigger issues at play than just his feelings toward his little sister. I'm sorry you're dealing with this
So he gets time alone with mommy....when his sister is sleeping. And he gets to play with his favorite toys....when his sister is sleeping.
I know I'm simplifying things, but it's not a huge jump to see why he might prefer it when she's not around. He needs to get time alone with you, and your full attention, when it's not just that you're freed up because the youngest one doesn't happen to need you at that exact moment.
Ditto Vanilla. I had noticed that pattern too but hadn't had time to respond yet.
Me 3. He's playing second fiddle to little sister with mommy. At least in his 4 year old brain.