rp from ML 16 ways I blew my marriage

[glitzyglow]

I don't know if it was the site or my computer, but the link was hard to read because the site kept jumping around!

I was guilty of being too stingy with money. I acted like I was a victim of the Great Depression and that we needed to hoard away money and not be frivolous. Now I see I can spend money to enjoy things and save. It doesn't have to be an either/or situation.

[cam13]

I am very sarcastic and it did damage my marriage. When XH first brought that up as an issue after we split, I replied sarcastically then too. Anyway, I've made an effort to not be quite so sarcastic at BF's expense because of that.

[cuddlyevil]

We stopped doing fun things together. At first he would go to things I enjoyed, over the years he didn't stop but he complained so much that it made me stop inviting him. We never actually resolved anything when we fought, it felt like we did but we never really did --nor did we hold each other to what we agreed to.

[MyName]

My stbx should be able to relate a lot to these points. Me, not so much. I was a fucking saint, and he blew a million chances.

Okay, maaaaaybe I am guilty of the sarcasm one. hahaha

And theoretically, I would add that I never acted like I needed him. Because I didn't, really. But I guess people like to feel needed in a relationship. I thought "wanted" would be preferable, but maybe not.

[prettipenny]

I can relate to so many of these. I am trying really hard to learn from past mistakes and not repeat them, but sometimes it's easier said than done.

[bl]

I think the doing fun things together was a huge down fall for us. There was also one specific night that I thought was super insignificant that I learned later (8 years later in counseling) was super damaging to our relationship from his perspective. He owns not communicating it to me earlier, so we could work through it, but I own the actual hurtful comments.

ETA: oh and we totally pooped with the door open.  I would still do this again.  I have no boundaries.  I will do it with my best friends too.  It's just not a big deal to me.

[kanga1]

Yep. So many of these ring true

[missva]

We totally stopped holding hands. It was almost too intimate once we started drifting apart.

[Deleted]

I would agree with the letting myself go and encouraging working out. In reality I simply married an asshole, but these are things I would take forward in a relationship. Actually I'm trying to take them forward in my relationship myself.

I frequently run errands or bum around the house or bum at a friends house in sweats, no make up or hair done. And I think it really effects how I feel about myself. I don't think I need to be majorly done up, but just enough to consistently feel good about myself. Because I'm with it.

ETA: I have a visceral reaction to hand holding. It makes me so uncomfortable being the one holding hands or being around people holding hands. I don't know why.

[missva]

Jun 10, 2015 12:34:43 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

I would agree with the letting myself go and encouraging working out. In reality I simply married an asshole, but these are things I would take forward in a relationship. Actually I'm trying to take them forward in my relationship myself.

I frequently run errands or bum around the house or bum at a friends house in sweats, no make up or hair done. And I think it really effects how I feel about myself. I don't think I need to be majorly done up, but just enough to consistently feel good about myself. Because I'm with it.

ETA: I have a visceral reaction to hand holding. It makes me so uncomfortable being the one holding hands or being around people holding hands. I don't know why.

Yeah - I can't do the walk down the street holding hands thing, but definitely in the car we held hands, fingers in hair etc. That all faded until eventually we were just blank staring out the front window.

[bl]

Jun 10, 2015 12:34:43 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

ETA: I have a visceral reaction to hand holding. It makes me so uncomfortable being the one holding hands or being around people holding hands. I don't know why.

That is so interesting to hear.  I am such a hand holder.  I like to feel physically connected to the person.  I don't need huge PDA, but hold my hand, have your hand on my shoulder or the small of my back, rest it on my leg when we sit next to each other at a restaurant. Physical affection is 100% my love language though. When I have a bad day a hug will make it all okay. 

[Deleted]

bl I like hugs and some level of physical touch, but hand holding and leg touching make me so uncomfortable for whatever reason. It might also be because it's often just me and another couple. So I always feel like I'm intruding on their intimate moment. I recently left hanging out with a friend and his partner because they couldn't keep their hands off each other and it was super uncomfortable.

[kanga1]

Jun 10, 2015 12:53:33 GMT -5 @stpete said:

My xh rarely was physical without sex. Sometimes, but not really. I remember telling someone I was dating that I really wanted a relationship where my bf/h would come up while I was doing dishes and just kiss me, or grab my ass or anything. I want physical affection on a regular basis and I want sex often. But not every physical affection needs to be sexual.

My XH was the same. It was sad.

[bl]

@pdx18 that totally makes sense to me and I do try to be mindful of that if I am with a guy and other people as far as leg touching, back rubbing, or whatever, but I never thought of hand holding as something that would make anyone uncomfortable. Now I will try and be mindful of that too.

@stpete Yes! I am the same way. I like to have physical affection often and that doesn't always mean it leads to sex.

[Deleted]

bl I'm just weird. I wouldn't modify based on my thoughts as I'm sure I'm the exception:)

[Deleted]

Jun 10, 2015 12:53:33 GMT -5 @stpete said:

My xh rarely was physical without sex. Sometimes, but not really. I remember telling someone I was dating that I really wanted a relationship where my bf/h would come up while I was doing dishes and just kiss me, or grab my ass or anything. I want physical affection on a regular basis and I want sex often. But not every physical affection needs to be sexual.

This was how my relationship with my XH was too. I actually never had dreams about sex with other people when I was with him, but I remember having dreams about cuddling and other physical intimacy. It was so lacking. 

This is something to be conscious of in my current relationship. I think we did a lot more of the casual hand holding and stuff earlier on. We still are pretty affectionate and make a point of cuddling nearly every night before bed, but it's not uncommon for us to be on opposite sides of the couch in the evening or forget to kiss goodnight before rolling over to sleep. 

[Smurfette]

Jun 10, 2015 12:53:33 GMT -5 @stpete said:

My xh rarely was physical without sex. Sometimes, but not really. I remember telling someone I was dating that I really wanted a relationship where my bf/h would come up while I was doing dishes and just kiss me, or grab my ass or anything. I want physical affection on a regular basis and I want sex often. But not every physical affection needs to be sexual.

STBXH is like this. It was sex or nothing. I never thought I was a touchy person, but not having it made me want it.

I see a lot of things that I did after he started cheating. I recently found notes to him in the first six months of dating and it was starkly different from texts from the past 2 years.

[bg]

I identify with a lot of these. Some are worth keeping in mind.

[jigsy]

I can't read the article because other windows keep opening and whatnot...so in only addressing the things I've seen listed here.
1) I didn't learn this from the end of my marriage, but just the marriage itself...don't be passive aggressive! It does no good for anyone involved. I've learned it's better to just say what you need to say.
2) ongoing physical contact is so important. I think that's one reason Vegas was so successful with me. It was like I had just walked through a desert, and he was there with all the water I wanted. He was very affectionate. Even though we weren't dating, if we walked down the street, he'd put his arm around my waist.
And that made me realize how important that is to me. XH rarely touched me outside of sex, and I know now that that is just not how I roll.

[Deleted]

12. DON’T STOP HAVING FUN TOGETHER.

This was ours, we still had our moments but they were too few & far between.
A big piece of this was his love of adventure & spontaneity and my lack of both. I love being a homebody and need to think/plan things out.

[jigsy]

I take marriage thoughts from ML with a grain of salt. It sounds shitty, but, yeah...while all of these are super obvious, I think it is also really easy to forget that they are important and make excuses and it isn't until you are at the end of something that you realize how important it can be.

For example, I would have been one of those posters saying "duh, of course it's important to maintain physical contact outside of the bedroom..." But I was also in a marriage that I let that part slide because we were busy, or he didn't like any sign of PDA so I should expect nothing more, or...or...or... It is really easy to excuse behavior or whatever when you are in the middle living it. Hindsight is 20/20 man.

So grain of salt.

[Smurfette]

Jun 10, 2015 18:52:38 GMT -5 jigsy said:

I take marriage thoughts from ML with a grain of salt. It sounds shitty, but, yeah...while all of these are super obvious, I think it is also really easy to forget that they are important and make excuses and it isn't until you are at the end of something that you realize how important it can be.

For example, I would have been one of those posters saying "duh, of course it's important to maintain physical contact outside of the bedroom..." But I was also in a marriage that I let that part slide because we were busy, or he didn't like any sign of PDA so I should expect nothing more, or...or...or... It is really easy to excuse behavior or whatever when you are in the middle living it. Hindsight is 20/20 man.

So grain of salt.

Very well said.

[1confused1]

Does anyone feel like they didn't do anything to ruin their marriage?

[Smurfette]

Jun 10, 2015 23:01:58 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

Does anyone feel like they didn't do anything to ruin their marriage?

I sometimes feel this way and have a lot of guilt from it.

[MyName]

Jun 10, 2015 23:01:58 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

Does anyone feel like they didn't do anything to ruin their marriage?

Yes.  Stbx sticking his dick in anyone who showed the slightest interest (while still having sex with me) ruined our marriage.

I feel zero guilt.

[Smurfette]

Jun 11, 2015 6:11:35 GMT -5 MyName said:

Jun 10, 2015 23:01:58 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

Does anyone feel like they didn't do anything to ruin their marriage?

You don't have to answer. Did you start to feel resentment? Say anything that may have been "harsh" but true? That's where I get guilt from. Like, maybe I shouldn't have been so angry and told him exactly how it is.

[MyName]

Jun 11, 2015 7:13:47 GMT -5 Smurfette said:

Jun 11, 2015 6:11:35 GMT -5 MyName said:

You don't have to answer. Did you start to feel resentment? Say anything that may have been "harsh" but true? That's where I get guilt from. Like, maybe I shouldn't have been so angry and told him exactly how it is.

Of course! lol I said horribly mean but true things to him at the end. And I still do now because over a year and half after I moved out, he is STILL begging me for another chance and telling me that he can't believe how stupid he was to lose the one thing that ever meant anything to him and he will hate himself forever.  Sucks to be you, man.  Most of the time I try to be nice, but I don't fucking care how much he's changed or how sorry he is.  I stayed a full year and a half after I found out about the rampant cheating - I did everything in my power to keep him happy and he still couldn't keep his dick in his pants. 

And as unhealthy as it is, I would have stayed and put up with all the other bullshit (mood swings, temper tantrums, being responsible for every single thing ever from cleaning to doing taxes to planning trips) if he had just done the one thing I asked.  But he didn't, so oh well.  So truly, I have zero guilt and very little sympathy.  He is a pathetic shell of who he was, and he did it all to himself.  Decisions have consequences, and this is it.   

Why would you feel guilty for speaking the truth?  I don't know what your backstory is, but if it's anything like mine, don't.  If you guys fell out of love or whatever and you said things that were true about the relationship but hurt his feelings, I can understand that.  But sometimes you have to be harsh to get through to people.  You wouldn't have been doing either of you any favors to stay longer and dance around the real problems to protect his feelings.  You stated your feelings and they are valid and deserve to be addressed.  Don't apologize for that.

[Smurfette]

Jun 11, 2015 8:36:11 GMT -5 MyName said:

Jun 11, 2015 7:13:47 GMT -5 Smurfette said:

You don't have to answer. Did you start to feel resentment? Say anything that may have been "harsh" but true? That's where I get guilt from. Like, maybe I shouldn't have been so angry and told him exactly how it is.

Of course! .   

Why would you feel guilty for speaking the truth?  I don't know what your backstory is, but if it's anything like mine, don't.  If you guys fell out of love or whatever and you said things that were true about the relationship but hurt his feelings, I can understand that.  But sometimes you have to be harsh to get through to people.  You wouldn't have been doing either of you any favors to stay longer and dance around the real problems to protect his feelings.  You stated your feelings and they are valid and deserve to be addressed.  Don't apologize for that.

I could have written your post almost word for word. He was exactly like that. I feel guilty because he is obviously a troubled person. I guess it's the fact that we had a very similar upbringing and I managed to come out a semi decent human being. Him, not so much.

[Serenity9]

Jun 10, 2015 23:01:58 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

Does anyone feel like they didn't do anything to ruin their marriage?

Yes and no.

I feel like I absolutely kept my nose clean in the demise of my marriage. I held up my side of the bargain, and he dropped his.

But, if we're talking about the list above, some of those did become a problem. Like, toward the end of the marriage there was almost no intimacy. But when he had just called me a ridiculous cunt, somehow I just couldn't bring myself to hold his hand or cook for him... so I guess I technically did fall into some of the categories here, but I don't think I would have if my husband had behaved in a way that merited my love and respect. 

[Mrs.Rad888]

Jun 11, 2015 12:58:35 GMT -5 Serenity9 said:

Jun 10, 2015 23:01:58 GMT -5 1confused1 said:

Does anyone feel like they didn't do anything to ruin their marriage?

Yes and no.

I feel like I absolutely kept my nose clean in the demise of my marriage. I held up my side of the bargain, and he dropped his.

But, if we're talking about the list above, some of those did become a problem. Like, toward the end of the marriage there was almost no intimacy. But when he had just called me a ridiculous cunt, somehow I just couldn't bring myself to hold his hand or cook for him... so I guess I technically did fall into some of the categories here, but I don't think I would have if my husband had behaved in a way that merited my love and respect. 

This is where I was with my ex. True, I was guilty of some of the things on that list, but the fact that he couldn't keep his dick in his pants was all on him.

ETA: I was even giving him pity sex, for fucks sake. Of course, that was before I knew he was screwing around on me.