Husband in recovery

[morecowbell]

UPDATE: H is back to drinking for probably about a month and a half (so not long after I posted). "Only one or two a day, what is the big deal, you just don't understand, etc.) it is worse than that because I can smell it on him strongly and he is back to isolating himself in his man cave for hours on end, beer cans everywhere. I am seriously looking into leaving as I told him point blank that I would not live the way we did before he got sober. However, his dad just had a heart attack and he is taking it really badly, so now I feel like I'm trapped. I feel like if I leave anytime soon, he will spiral even further. Has anyone been in this place, what did you do?

Hi everyone. I know I post very seldom and usually lurk on ML, but I am getting to my wits end and need some outside perspective.

My husband is currently in recovery from alcohol. He decided over Easter weekend this year to dry out cold turkey and so far has been sober this entire time. I am so glad that he made the decision to stop drinking on his own, but I'm having a tough time now because I think my expectations for life outside alcoholism were unrealistic.

My husband is the type of person who is smart, and knows it. He is the go to guy if anyone has a problem in his line of work, and in other lines in general (building, problem solving, etc). As a result, he is arrogant and I think narcissistic.

I thought some of his attitude was a result of his drinking, but I'm starting to see that maybe he is just a jerk. He has changed since we got married nearly 10 years ago, and I attributed it to the drinking.

Sober life now is more miserable than drinking life, because at least when he was drinking he'd actually talk to me. Now, the only time he will seem happy is if I'm telling him a story about our son. There is no longer any affection in our marriage and I'm feeling hopeless. In going cold turkey from alcohol, he now drinks 12-15 soda or juice cans a day, and leaves them all over the house. He never picks up after himself and I'm starting to be resentful and angry.

My question is, is this normal for someone recovering from addiction, and does it get any better? Without going into more detail on our issues, I am contemplating leaving but I don't want to if there is a chance that this is temporary behaviour from the dry out, that I can possibly get back the man I married.

I apologize in advance if I don't respond right away, I'm quickly typing this on my phone at work on my lunch break. I appreciate any and all feedback, even if I'm told I'm being unreasonable. Thank you for reading the wall o text

[flex]

Jun 11, 2015 13:56:25 GMT -5 morecowbell said:

Hi everyone. I know I post very seldom and usually lurk on ML, but I am getting to my wits end and need some outside perspective.

My husband is currently in recovery from alcohol. He decided over Easter weekend this year to dry out cold turkey and so far has been sober this entire time. I am so glad that he made the decision to stop drinking on his own, but I'm having a tough time now because I think my expectations for life outside alcoholism were unrealistic.

My husband is the type of person who is smart, and knows it. He is the go to guy if anyone has a problem in his line of work, and in other lines in general (building, problem solving, etc). As a result, he is arrogant and I think narcissistic.

I thought some of his attitude was a result of his drinking, but I'm starting to see that maybe he is just a jerk. He has changed since we got married nearly 10 years ago, and I attributed it to the drinking.

Sober life now is more miserable than drinking life, because at least when he was drinking he'd actually talk to me. Now, the only time he will seem happy is if I'm telling him a story about our son. There is no longer any affection in our marriage and I'm feeling hopeless. In going cold turkey from alcohol, he now drinks 12-15 soda or juice cans a day, and leaves them all over the house. He never picks up after himself and I'm starting to be resentful and angry.

My question is, is this normal for someone recovering from addiction, and does it get any better? Without going into more detail on our issues, I am contemplating leaving but I don't want to if there is a chance that this is temporary behaviour from the dry out, that I can possibly get back the man I married.

I apologize in advance if I don't respond right away, I'm quickly typing this on my phone at work on my lunch break. I appreciate any and all feedback, even if I'm told I'm being unreasonable. Thank you for reading the wall o text

Hello and welcome,

I've been in recovery for almost 27 years from alcohol and drugs.  

To answer your question: yes, this is normal behavior for someone who is "white-knuckling" their way through sobriety.  White-knucklers are miserable people.  Their crutch (alcohol, illegal drugs, medications, etc.) is gone and they are basically a giant raw nerve.  HOWEVER, if they work some kind of 12-step program, get a sponsor, regularly go to meetings, etc., they can learn new coping skills and live life on life's terms. 

I think it will get better if he starts going to meetings, etc.  But if he thinks he doesn't need such things, I predict he will either a) ultimately go back to drinking; or 2) make you (as well as himself) so miserable that you won't want to stick around.

[morecowbell]

Thank you for your reply flex, I truly appreciate it. He has taken the problem on and feels that is all he needs to do. He says he has no cravings and is not tempted. He has stated that he will not seek any marriage counselling with me, because we should be able to talk through our problems on our own. The issue is that I can't communicate with him without it coming back and becoming my fault. At this point, I would like to leave as I think we'd both be happier, but I don't want to be "that bitch" that walks out on her husband who is in recovery. He swears that he loves me but his actions say otherwise.

[flex]

My ex-h (notice I said EX) was the same way: refused to go to counseling because "two adults should be able to work things out". HA! He did finally go to counseling when I told him I was leaving, but by then it was too late.

My heart goes out to you. You do what is the best for you. ::hugs::

[morecowbell]

Thank you, I have a great deal to think about, that is for sure.

[lovelovelove]

I'm sorry. My husband is newly sober since this past winter.

He did the soda thing exactly like you're describing. The week he got sober he started buying cases of soda and leaving cans all over the house, outside, in his car, etc. He has gotten sooooo much better about the soda in the past month or two. I've seen him buy 1 12 case in the past 2-3 weeks, instead of the 2-3 cases per week he was doing. He says the craving is going away and he doesn't feel like he needs to have a drink, any kind of drink, in his hand constantly anymore. He's attending AA regularly and really getting into it and moving along the steps.

But, we have ok days and bad days. We are in marriage counseling. It's been really eye opening for me, in good and bad ways. I'm not sure where we're going to end up, but I'm giving him and the marriage a bit of time to see. At our last session the therapist said she's heard recommendation for no life changes for at least 6 - 12 months from people in recovery. Not in 3 very case, but something to consider.

Some days I'm so happy he's sober and working on things, and some days all I can think is that none of this is sinking in and he's being an ass.

I'm sorry this is such a time that makes your head spin.

[morecowbell]

That is exactly what DH says, he needs the drink in hand, whether it is beer or soda. He is staying away from the beer but I always feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. He is tired and grumpy, is today the day he'll fall off the wagon? He is grumpy, was it something I did?

I wish DH would go to AA, maybe then he would understand how his actions affect others. I'm trying hard to see his side, but it's difficult to get over all the resentment. Thank you for bringing up the "no life changes" for a year, I think I am willing to try that, because I know the man I married is there somewhere, he has just gotten terribly lost. I'm hoping he can find his way back. He left for a boys weekend trip tonight and I saw a glimmer there - he actually came to me with a hug, kiss and an unforced "I love you", and I got some hope back.

Thank you lovelovelove for sharing with me, it's good but unfortunate that I am not so alone.

[lime]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this.

My father is a narcissist. It was hell growing up with him. He had no substance abuse issues but was raised by an alcoholic and had learned the unhealthy patterns.

If he won't go to counseling, please at least go on your own, for you and your son's benefit.

[morecowbell]

Thanks lime, I did see a counsellor for awhile but all that was suggested was that I take time to "find myself" - however, that is hard to do when I am the primary caregiver for DS and DH just comes and goes as he pleases. I also work full time with a substantial overtime component, so I just get so tired. I know I need to seek out a different counsellor who would be a better fit, but I just need to follow the advice of the first counsellor and find the time, lol!

[lime]

Yes, I would definitely try to find someone that is a better fit for you.

Please keep us posted. I'm throwing lots of good vibes your way.

[lovelovelove]

morecowbell sounds like we are married to very similar men.

My H gets so grumpy, the littlest things set him off, and I feel like I'm on egg shells sometimes. I'm sad, bc these are things we've been discussing in counseling and learning ways to communicate about, but he's not making the changes. I'm starting to wonder if it's going to work, but I'm trying to be patient. It's so hard, and I feel like I'm struggling to be supportive and not rock the boat more.

[malibu]

Lots of good vibes and hugs your way. I've been there, I'm there now with an alcoholic H.

[morecowbell]

As much as I appreciate all of your great words, it hurts my heart that there are more people in my situation. I thank you all for responding, and I am sending back huge hugs to you. My wish is that we can all overcome this beast of addiction and find peace. You have no idea how much these messages have helped me. <3

[Deleted]

You aren't alone! This disease is everywhere, crosscutting all demographics. I'm sorry you are in such a bad spot, but lean on the posters here. And I'd suggest Al-Anon for you!

I've been in recovery for almost 8 years, thanks to the fellowship of AA. Recovery is possible, but you've got to really, really want it.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Jun 14, 2015 11:06:48 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

You aren't alone! This disease is everywhere, crosscutting all demographics. I'm sorry you are in such a bad spot, but lean on the posters here. And I'd suggest Al-Anon for you!

I've been in recovery for almost 8 years, thanks to the fellowship of AA. Recovery is possible, but you've got to really, really want it.

Ditto Al-Anon ... see if you can find a lunchtime meeting by your office - my weekly meeting was a lifesaver when wading through xh's meth relapse

[phoenixrising]

I am so sorry that you are going through such a difficult situation. I wanted to also recommend seeing a therapist on your own. And if the first one isn't a good fit, keep looking...some people try several therapists before they find the right one to work with. Sending love and light your way.

[morecowbell]

Thank you all for your support. I tried al anon in the past and stuck with it for about a year, but found that I wasn't able to relate with a lot of the people there. Since my husband was a functioning alcoholic it never seemed that my issues were all that serious compared to others. I never felt I could give and receive support that was valid, if hat makes any sense. I've been toying with he idea of starting up again once my work deadlines are past to see if I have a different perspective now that he is in recovery.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to help me out!

[lovelovelove]

Sometimes I don't feel like I'm relating to the other women in the al anon meeting I attend, but the one thing I love about it and makes me feel like I need to be there is the dedicated time to the issue of alcoholism. No matter what, even if I zone out of the meeting, it's 1.5 hours for me to reflect on it (or not if I feel like I need a break). And I enjoy the feeling that all of those other women (the meeting I attend is a women's group) feel it's an important time to dedicate to the issue.

Please keep checking in. I'll be thinking of you.

[phoenixrising]

Jun 17, 2015 13:44:36 GMT -5 morecowbell said:

Thank you all for your support. I tried al anon in the past and stuck with it for about a year, but found that I wasn't able to relate with a lot of the people there. Since my husband was a functioning alcoholic it never seemed that my issues were all that serious compared to others. I never felt I could give and receive support that was valid, if hat makes any sense. I've been toying with he idea of starting up again once my work deadlines are past to see if I have a different perspective now that he is in recovery.

Thank you all so much for taking the time to help me out!

I can relate to this in other areas because I have often felt selfish for addressing my problems with people because they were not "that bad." My therapist has taught me this: The hardest thing I am going through at any moment is no better or worse than the hardest thing another person is going through because it's the hardest thing that is happening to ME. It's not a competition, and there is no score being kept. Your reaction to your husband's recovery is your reaction, and you are worth asking for help, even though you might think someone else has it worse than you do. In fact, my therapist says that subtle issues are often more difficult to deal with because we don't have that big, flashy, obvious problem to recover from or work on. Instead, it's the little day to day stuff that we don't notice building up.

[morecowbell]

Bump for edit in OP

[flex]

Don't let the fear of what he may do hold you hostage into staying in a toxic relationship.

[malibu]

Aug 23, 2015 20:59:00 GMT -5 flex said:

Don't let the fear of what he may do hold you hostage into staying in a toxic relationship.

Very wise words.

[morecowbell]

Thank you all. I think that once his dad is in a better place, we will be having a come to Jesus regarding his need for counselling, and counselling for the marriage. I'm going to crack soon and my son does not deserve that. I need to stand up and be honest with him about the consequences o his behaviour.

[lovelovelove]

Something I really have to work hard at is not putting the blame on myself for h's actions. It's been really eye-opening and even freeing to stop walking on egg shells that one wrong move on my part would send him into a downward spiral. It's on him how he deals with situations.