H hates to vacation with anyone other than me and G. My parents love to invite us on their beach vacations and we've traveled together probably 5 times over the past 8 years we've been married.. H has never been a huge fan, but this recent vaca with them now that G is on the scene was apparently misersable for him.
They are helpful on vaca and always willing to watch G so that we can do things on our own. They do tend to coddle him a bit more than we do and feed him more sweets than we would prefer. This drives h crazy while I see it as a bit annoying but not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things.
H is not close with his family. I am very close with mine. He loves my family but does not want to vaca with them again. He is also not a fan of me vacationing with them without him. He feels like being on vacation with others complicates schedules, dining decisions, etc. I feel like it adds flexibility since there are more hands to help with G.
On the one hand I see his point - I would probably not love to travel with his family. But if it were important to him, I like to think I could suck it up for a week every year or two. I also think that if doesn't want to join us that he shouldn't care if I go.
Wdyt? How do you feel about traveling with your family vs your ILs?
Post by humpforfree on Jun 20, 2015 8:57:15 GMT -5
Team your H. I'm.l not close with my family either and with our minimal vacation time and funds I want OUR family time. Not having to deal with other people.
We are spending our vacation at my parents house, so I am a fan. They help out and we get a date night or two. Last night it was a walk after the kids were asleep, which we couldn't do w/o someone here. We are also on limited travel funds. Free room and splitting food costs is very nice.
We visit MIL very infrequently b/c her house is a mess, but we stay with BIL and SIL 1-2x a year. We invited DH's mom and my parents to go to Disney with us this year. It was nice. I love, love, love getting help. I am a SAHM with 3 kids and a husband that works lots of hours. I love, love, love getting help. lol. If we never get a family vacation just the 5 of us, I really don't care. I need my village. Hah.
We do a long weekend with Hs family (headed out tomorrow actually) and it's fun. H has six sibs and we all take turns planning it every year. However, Hs family is sane, we all have space (this year we're getting two lake houses with 4 bedrooms each). My MIL is all about catering and ordering out. The vacation is basically drinking beer and hanging out letting the kids go nuts at the waterpark. Pretty low key. Sometimes the people get to me by the end but all in all Hs family is sane and helpful.
And a free trip to anywhere but home? Sign me up.
We do a weekend with my family usually in the winter and it sort of sucked at first. I do it because it's great family time. However, my sister is usually in charge and cheap. One time she shoved all 9 of us in a kiddie suite at a Holiday Inn. However, now that she has an H and a kid on the way she's improved drastically. Last year we did a cabin and it was fun!
Unless something is completely off those bonds mean a lot to me and I try hard to maintain it. I also try to relax on the grandparent standards. I grew up close to mine and now they're gone and I wish I had that back. DD and my MIL are super close and when she went to the hospital last week (She was fine) DD was just so down about it brought tears to my eyes.
Also DD has been talking about/asking for "slumber party" with her cousins for two weeks now. That right there, is the magic of childhood. So while my BSC SIL makes me want to drink that entire bottle of wine, I hate the last minute texts over family picture outfits and my MILs never ending prayer chain makes me squicky;) it's still worth it.
I don't mean that to make you feel guilty at all. Each family dynamic is different, but that's what matters to me ATM.
I don't think your H is all wrong. I wouldn't want to spend all my vacation time with family either, but I'd shorten it up and at least do something. Or he needs to let you go alone. I also think he needs to relax on the grandparent "rules" a bit. That's part of the fun. And if I can go lay on the beach with a book while my mom chases my kids, I don't care what she feeds them.
Post by ilikedonuts on Jun 20, 2015 9:02:37 GMT -5
I'm team your husband. I am very picky with who I vacation with and I would not be happy if my spouse basically told me I needed to suck it up or they would go without me with my kid. That's childish IMO.
Post by cincodemayo on Jun 20, 2015 9:07:34 GMT -5
We do both when the occasion arises. This year my parents paid for a lake house so we will join them. We both get annoyed with our families after too much time so this may be the last full week for awhile.
My parents are easy to vacation with and we've done it a few times. they are truly a big help w/ DS and it's easy and fun.
ILs are NOT easy to vacation with. We did Disney last year with them and .... it was like we had 3 kids instead of 1. We limit time spent with (now, as MIL died in January) FIL to long weekends at the beach.
We're both on the same page with this so it works.
To your issue- I really don't understand your DHs frustrations. It's vacation. so what if schedules get messed up a little or there are extra treats? Your children are building life long memories w/ their grandparents. As you're close to your family, I feel this is SO important.
And I agree- clearly your DHs lack of closeness with his family is absolutely coloring his view on this.
As for his attitude about you not going w/o him... I see both sides to this. On one hand, DH and I both REALLY like to travel and we really have fun together. We want our vacations to be all of us, together. DS is a great traveler and we just have fun. Both of us would be sad if one of us was left at home.
BUT we would do it and actually, next summer I may go w/ DS on a vacation w/ DHs extended family w/o DH. It sucks - we're bummed. But yet, we LOVE this branch of the family and we both agree that it's important for DS to be around them.
If YOU want to go and spend time w your family, I find it REALLY selfish of him to basically be like "No, you can't go alone but no, I don't want to go". That's not fair. I understand his desire for you all to vacation together, but he needs to respect YOUR desire to spend time w/ your family.
It's a 2 way street. And really, I feel that your DH needs to analyze a little more deeply why he's so resistant to it and how much his family is affecting his feelings on this.
I'm team your husband. I am very picky with who I vacation with and I would not be happy if my spouse basically told me I needed to suck it up or they would go without me with my kid. That's childish IMO.
I don't think she's told him that. I also think it's childish that he's told her that basically she can't take anymore vacations with her family ever again. Because he doesn't want to go but he doesn't want her to go without him.
I agree. What if it wasn't about family? What if her H had said, "No more long weekends with your girlfriends?"
I'm team your husband. I am very picky with who I vacation with and I would not be happy if my spouse basically told me I needed to suck it up or they would go without me with my kid. That's childish IMO.
I don't think she's told him that. I also think it's childish that he's told her that basically she can't take anymore vacations with her family ever again. Because he doesn't want to go but he doesn't want her to go without him.
Well he's gone 5 different times already. I think he's given it a bunch of tries and its still not something he enjoys. Its not like he's refused to try to vacation with them.
I'm team your husband. I am very picky with who I vacation with and I would not be happy if my spouse basically told me I needed to suck it up or they would go without me with my kid. That's childish IMO.
I don't think she's told him that. I also think it's childish that he's told her that basically she can't take anymore vacations with her family ever again. Because he doesn't want to go but he doesn't want her to go without him.
Yeah, it seems to be the other way around! "You can't go w/ them alone and I don't want to go". That's JUST as childish!!!!
I'm a special snowflake on this topic. Sometimes it's fine. Like when we all sat around my ILs one Christmas and said, "Next year we should Christmas in FL," and then we did. It's also ok if we're planning a trip to X and call family members and say, "hey, want to join us?" (or if they call and ask us). Obviously saying no is perfectly fine.
What's not ok? My SIL announcing that we absolutely have to let her know when we plan to take C to Disney for the first time because she HAS to go. Nope. You don't get to invite yourself on my vacation.
Post by ilikedonuts on Jun 20, 2015 9:12:49 GMT -5
I want to clarify that if he had NEVER vacationed with her family and refused to try it would be very different, but he's done it 5 times already. For more than half of the year they've been married including a vacation in the first year of their child's life. He's tried. He doesn't enjoy it. Why should he have to suck it up even more or not be able to vacation with his wife and child?
Have you asked him what specifically he doesn't like about vacationing with them? If the answer is no, I think that's a convo that needs to happen. I would give your parents a chance to address and fix his concerns.
We have talked about it. Pre-kids he disliked the fact that we needed do decide with them on dinner plans (they are not adventurous eaters), day trips (since we typically just rent one car), etc. I think it's kid of like how you feel when people are staying at your house? Where you can't totally relax and always have to be a little bit "on" even if it's your family.
With G, it's all that plus all the kid stuff. Once they insisted on taking him to the pool where after getting him blocked up and changed he had a melt down as soon as he got in the water even though H thought he was ready for a nap. Or that they fed him spaghetti o's for lunch. Or that my mom rocked G to sleep instead of letting him fuss for a bit. Or that he gets picked up by someone every time he whines or cries.
Post by longtimenopost on Jun 20, 2015 9:15:59 GMT -5
We've vacationed with my parents. They pay for stuff and watch DD and it's awesome! Plus if we're flying, there are more laps and arms to carry things.
DH doesn't love it, but he recognizes the benefits. We wouldn't travel with his in laws because he is not as close and they don't have the resources my parents do.
Have you asked him what specifically he doesn't like about vacationing with them? If the answer is no, I think that's a convo that needs to happen. I would give your parents a chance to address and fix his concerns.
We have talked about it. Pre-kids he disliked the fact that we needed do decide with them on dinner plans (they are not adventurous eaters), day trips (since we typically just rent one car), etc. I think it's kid of like how you feel when people are staying at your house? Where you can't totally relax and always have to be a little bit "on" even if it's your family.
With G, it's all that plus all the kid stuff. Once they insisted on taking him to the pool where after getting him blocked up and changed he had a melt down as soon as he got in the water even though H thought he was ready for a nap. Or that they fed him spaghetti o's for lunch. Or that my mom rocked G to sleep instead of letting him fuss for a bit. Or that he gets picked up by someone every time he whines or cries.
I don't want to be harsh but your H has to let some of this go. I get the part about not being full relaxed on vacation with other people. That's me. I just feel sort of on all the time. But this stuff...it's all just so petty. I try to gauge my reaction by "Will this still matter later tonight?" None of this stuff does. At all. Who cares about which restaurant you ended up in.
None of that is intentionally mean/degrading harmful. It just sounds like genuinely nice people trying to be helpful with a different style. I try not to press the buttons of those people because I may need them someday.
But you also need to be a little stronger. He's still your kid on vacation.
Post by ilikedonuts on Jun 20, 2015 9:19:45 GMT -5
There is a difference between being a bit lenient with the grandparents and letting them openly go against your husband. It sounds like your husband does not like that you let your parents call the shots with everything and now that its with his own kid, he's basically not going to stand for it.
All of that adds up. And when its combined with basically letting your parents have a say in every single part of your vacation (day trips, restaurants, etc) its a lot to handle. Why can't you rent your own car? Why can't you do things alone without your parents? I feel like you are setting your husband up to fail, but not helping fix some of the things that can easily be fixed to make his vacation a bit more enjoyable.
Have you asked him what specifically he doesn't like about vacationing with them? If the answer is no, I think that's a convo that needs to happen. I would give your parents a chance to address and fix his concerns.
We have talked about it. Pre-kids he disliked the fact that we needed do decide with them on dinner plans (they are not adventurous eaters), day trips (since we typically just rent one car), etc. I think it's kid of like how you feel when people are staying at your house? Where you can't totally relax and always have to be a little bit "on" even if it's your family.
With G, it's all that plus all the kid stuff. Once they insisted on taking him to the pool where after getting him blocked up and changed he had a melt down as soon as he got in the water even though H thought he was ready for a nap. Or that they fed him spaghetti o's for lunch. Or that my mom rocked G to sleep instead of letting him fuss for a bit. Or that he gets picked up by someone every time he whines or cries.
Well, so some of this- I'd have approached it by "Hey mom and dad, we're renting our own car. We'll do _ and _ with you, but we're going to also go do _ and _ on our own. Oh, and dinner? Great, we'd love to do __ w/ you tonight but tomorrow we're going to go try __".
If you all HAVE to spend ALL your time w/ your parents... eh, I can see how your DH doesn't enjoy it. Give yourselves some breathing room. This is YOUR vacation too.
And why didn't you back your DH up when your parents "insisted" on taking G to the pool?
Are YOU backing your DH up at all and setting some limits? Or are you letting your parents have a free for all?
Post by irishbride2 on Jun 20, 2015 9:21:30 GMT -5
He is being ridiculous about you not going without him. That is insane.
As to going as a family, you need to compromise.
H and I travel a lot with our families but I honestly like going with just our small nuclear family, too. I agree with him on the decision making. Vacationing with family is fun, but not a true vacation for me. I need to have agency to have it be a true vacation.
Your husband thought your kid needed a nap and you let your parents override him?
I can see the shock here, but it wouldn't really bother me that much. Sometimes my parents have to learn why things are a bad idea and in this situation I'd have a you break it you take it approach! You make her cranky, she's yours for the afternoon!
Oh and I enjoy traveling with both sides of the family and friends and alone.
I would not like it if we only traveled with my IL's.
You need to work together to address some of the issues. Rent your own car, come and go more, back him up on parenting things. I think saying "never again" is ridiculous on his part, but I think there are lots of things you can do to make it more appealing to everyone.
I was sympathetic with your DH until he turned controlling around the notion of you vacationing without him. That's not cool.
TBH, any trip where your family or inlaws are there falls into the "visiting family" rather than vacation category at my house. I made plenty of 700 mile drives to visit my MIL and passive-aggressive SIL; DH has returned the favor spending many a weekend at my parents place at the beach or in FL during the winter. We don't call either vacation.
DH sometimes travels to see his family without me. Sometimes he brings DS, sometimes not. Of late, I visit my parents solo a lot of the time because my dad has gotten challenging as he's become much older.
A big piece of this has to do with how much vacation time you both have to take and what resources you have use toward the family beach weeks. If he's only got 2 weeks, asking to spend it with your family every summer seems over the top. Especially if joining your parents costs $$$. If you're a SAHM and/or DH isn't a hands-on dad, it's not fair of him to deny you the break your parents offer in terms of help so you can relax a bit. IMHO, you traveling with your DC makes perfect sense as a compromise.
In terms of his objections to your parents' boundaries with your child. A little bit of spoiling goes with the territory; undermining your parenting or discipline is another matter entirely. My MIL sometimes fed DS things I didn't want him to have. She gave DS the only formula he ever got because she was hellbent on giving him a bottle. Another time she fed him too many dried apricots and he shit like a goose for 3 days. It pissed me off at the time, but having the relationship with her was more important.
I don't consider it a vacation if I'm around extended family. My H likes the idea of vacationing with our families, though likely for a short period of time, for example spending a couple days at the beach with the ILs before we go to Disney. That sounds like a compromise I can live with.
We dont/won't travel with my inlaws. Not that they travel anyways, but we are not close to them and they wold not be helpful at all.
We will be traveling with my mom sometimes now that she lives here. She is going with us to the Cape this week and is going to Disney. For us, it provides us greater flexibility and an extra set of hands to manage the 3 kids. H and I are going to dinner alone twice this week because my mom is there to watch the kids. She is also staying with the girls two afternoons while they nap so that we can take J to a couple of activities that would be difficult/not enjoyable for the girls at this age.
That said, we also enjoy time with just our nuclear family. So our other trip this summer to New Hampshire is just myself, H, and the kids.
I do think your husband's feelings may be clouded by his relationship ship with his family. If he is really that upset about specific things that happen like too many sweets, could you discuss this with your parents before you go? I think if it's issues like that they could be addressed without just not traveling with them at all.
With the caveat that we prefer to travel with big groups of friends, I like traveling with family. I want to be able to have a break on vacation and our families are super helpful.
We are actually planning a beach trip for next year with my mom, sisters, BIL, and nieces/nephew. It's 1.5 hours away so I think we're going to go for a week but DH and BIL will only be there part of the time instead of taking off a full week (they can commute from the beach house). DH would not be at all offended if he didn't have to go but will also enjoy being there part-time (my mom can be a little much, breaks are necessary).
We also plan to coordinate any trips to Hawaii with my ILs. My MIL is Hawaiian and they lived in HI until DH was 7. They are dying to show DD around and show her off to the relatives. They are great grandparents and DD adores them, they are smart and capable so no worries about her going to the beach or anything with them. The plan is to spend some time together then ditch DD with the grandparents while DH and I go to another island.