Depanda jokes are anti-women

[maebyfunke]

Swear to god, the "dependa" stereotype is half the reason so many SAHM spouses I know feel insecure about not bringing in any income. I know that I find myself over-explaining to people that I know how fortunate we are to have excellent healthcare and the choice between staying at home with our son and/or working part or full time.

I think we can generally attribute the stupid questions and sense of entitlement to youth and a lack of experience with the military. That stuff can be grating, but man, the absolute vitriol in some of the Facebook dependa groups is astounding.

ETA: I'd also like to add that this article, in conjunction with what some people here said in the Ellen show thread that happened a month or two ago, has changed my mind with regard to any judgment toward military spouses and families receiving free things. You know what? If someone wants to give, you may as well throw your name into the hat.

MF - giving me new perspectives to consider for for years now lol.

[maebyfunke]

Yeah, just checked one of those groups, and they inserted a larger spouse into the picture the article uses. Lovely.

[killercupcake]

Wait... we're not allowed to make fun of camo purses with the spouse's rank and entitled spouses who try to get free meals on Veteran's Day? DON'T TAKE THAT FROM ME.

[maebyfunke]

Jun 22, 2015 15:59:38 GMT -5 Stan said:

Jun 22, 2015 15:41:08 GMT -5 maebyfunke said:

Swear to god, the "dependa" stereotype is half the reason so many SAHM spouses I know feel insecure about not bringing in any income. I know that I find myself over-explaining to people that I know how fortunate we are to have excellent healthcare and the choice between staying at home with our son and/or working part or full tone.

I think we can generally attribute the stupid questions and sense of entitlement to youth and a lack of experience with the military. That stuff can be grating, but man, the absolute vitriol in some of the Facebook dependa groups is astounding.

ETA: I'd also like to add that this article, in conjunction with what some people here said in the Ellen show thread that happened a month or two ago, has changed my mind with regard to any judgment toward military spouses and families receiving free things. You know what? If someone wants to give, you may as well throw your name into the hat.

MF - giving me new perspectives to consider for for years now lol.

That vitriol towards spouses seeps over into any military group. Read the comments on any duffel blog post, and if a female dares comment, she more than likely gets called a dependa or worse. 

Yup. I've had to make a serious effort not to read the comment sections of anything lately. I read like four comments on that dependa page, and I can feel the high blood pressure pulsing in my head.

[killercupcake]

Jun 22, 2015 16:07:08 GMT -5 Stan said:

Jun 22, 2015 15:53:44 GMT -5 killercupcake said:

Wait... we're not allowed to make fun of camo purses with the spouse's rank and entitled spouses who try to get free meals on Veteran's Day? DON'T TAKE THAT FROM ME.

No way man, KOKO with that! But you're already doing good because you're saying spouses. Not wives or dependas. How often are male spouses called dependas? I'm sure it happens, but people automatically go there with female spouses. So they have gendered associations! I'm in a group on FB for spouses of H's job, and I always call him my spouse instead of my husband. Women are allowed to do his job too, and I think the gender neutral terminology is important. A charity I used to volunteer for has a Wife of the Year Award, and the sponsor is an elderly Marine who is such a sweetheart. But calling it the wife of the year already takes away from it, and the head of the charity, a required general, said they won't be changing it just because of the repeal of DADT, and I was like, ewwww, and what, you also hate hetero female service members? 

Ugh. Oh look, I started rambling and ranting. 

Okay good. lol

Terminal Lance has a cartoon about a male Marine EASing and then marrying a female Marine and becoming a "dependa." I showed it to T and he was like "YES. Let's do that!" lol 

Anyway. Yes, I agree. I think Military Spouse magazine has had a male "Spouse of the Year" recently. He follows me on Twitter. 

[killercupcake]

Jun 22, 2015 16:17:42 GMT -5 Stan said:

killercupcake, they did! Having once starred in that magazine, I followed them for a little bit before I realized I was only interested in them when they had pictures of me.

Also, I have decided recently that I like Terminal Lance. Now that I could not possibly care less what PWAGs think of me, I am mostly amused by him. And I think he's secretly kind of liberal.

Oh, I don't think it's a secret. lol He lives in SF. It's kind of hard to be a conservative in that area. 

[killercupcake]

Jun 22, 2015 16:24:58 GMT -5 Stan said:

Jun 22, 2015 16:21:37 GMT -5 killercupcake said:

Oh, I don't think it's a secret. lol He lives in SF. It's kind of hard to be a conservative in that area. 

I used to live there and it's easier than you'd think! But I actually had no idea he lived there because up until recently, I didn't like him at all, lol. And since so many service members hate our kind, I didn't think he'd be so popular if he were out of the liberal closet. But I'm glad to be wrong!

I don't think he's waving a "We Can Do It!" poster around, but I've definitely noticed that he leans liberal. I also think that for the most part, the conversation that happens on his page is pretty good. I very rarely see the woman hate. It's mostly Marines being Marines, if that makes sense. 

[beans]

Is this where I say I have never heard the term dependa until right now? I am obviously in the know

[amaristella]

Jun 23, 2015 13:05:39 GMT -5 beans said:

Is this where I say I have never heard the term dependa until right now? I am obviously in the know

Does it help if I use the non-abbreviated form? Dependapotamus? I never heard the term before either until I was living in housing at a particular base where OMG there were more than a few. The local Facebook groups were crazy with them in that location.

[amaristella]

Jun 22, 2015 16:07:08 GMT -5 Stan said:

How often are male spouses called dependas? I'm sure it happens, but people automatically go there with female spouses. So they have gendered associations!

I would agree that the term has an overwhelmingly female association along with it. If it helps I severly disliked (basically hated) the male dependa that lived across from me until a few weeks ago. I had no issues with the female service member. She never bothered me any. But that guy that she had with her I don't know how she managed to tolerate him. Although in all fairness I never called him dependa until just now. I always referred to anybody associated with that apartment as "hillbillies".

I danced in my apartment the day they moved out.

[amaristella]

The term dependapotamus, to me, is I tool that I use to "tend to my own kind". I didn't realize that anybody but other military spouses used it. I'm aware of cyber-bullying. That's nothing new to me at all. It doesn't surprise me too much that the term has gotten loose, so to speak. I have a particular distaste for people that I feel poorly represent any group that I am a part of. In this case military spouses. And sometimes I am going to vent on the internet about it. But that's to release my own steam. It's not to use a picture or personally identifying information to personally shame someone with or without their knowledge. If anything I would use the term as a place-holder for that info.

Not to mention. What was that specialized term of endearment we used to have? Beebee?

[beans]

Jun 23, 2015 16:10:31 GMT -5 amaristella said:

Jun 23, 2015 13:05:39 GMT -5 beans said:

Is this where I say I have never heard the term dependa until right now? I am obviously in the know

Does it help if I use the non-abbreviated form? Dependapotamus? I never heard the term before either until I was living in housing at a particular base where OMG there were more than a few. The local Facebook groups were crazy with them in that location.

I have never heard either term actually. Although we've lived in base housing at two bases I guess I don't interact with many other dependents? I don't think I've ever been a part of a conversation bitching about other spouses in real life.

[amaristella]

Jun 23, 2015 17:33:34 GMT -5 Stan said:

Jun 23, 2015 17:27:52 GMT -5 beans said:

I have never heard either term actually. Although we've lived in base housing at two bases I guess I don't interact with many other dependents? I don't think I've ever been a part of a conversation bitching about other spouses in real life.

It's a big term online. I've been called one on an Army Times thread. :/

Must have been a complete moron. Which the internet does seem to attract.

[cattledogkisses]

The other one I hear sometimes (always from men) is "dependa-ho" which manages to be both insulting and misogynistic.

[calmcosmo]

This stuff has flooded my newsfeed this week too. I'm surprised it is so explosive now as I've seen FB pages dedicated to "dependa hunting" for 5+ years.

I'm a military spouse blogger and columnist for Military Spouse Magazine so I obviously know what can happen in comments sections and have learned to have a thick skin. I've been accused of "living vicariously through my husband" because I write about being a military spouse. Forget my pesky Master's degree, my career outside of writing (writing is a hobby that makes enough money for my "wine fund") and the fact that if it were up to me my husband would retire exactly the moment he could.

The idea of making fun of purses made from camo fabric or people asking for military discounts just seems so zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz to me. Very ironic that women who have enough time to "dependa hunt" and post on FB pages about the overweight women or women with certain bumper stickers or camo purses are the ones feigning superiority. LOL. You have to be a huge loser to invest time into looking for people who you perceive are below you. So basic and boring and just a waste of time.

I'm not saying you can't roll your eyes or chuckle to yourself when you see something that is egregious or so fitting the stereotype that it's hilarious. I get it. I've seen the ultimate stereotypes "in the wild" myself over the past 12 years and had that "OMG!!!!" inner dialogue. But the idea of pulling out my phone and taking a picture and putting it on FB is gross and out of bounds.

[calmcosmo]

Jun 23, 2015 16:35:01 GMT -5 amaristella said:

The term dependapotamus, to me, is I tool that I use to "tend to my own kind". I didn't realize that anybody but other military spouses used it. I'm aware of cyber-bullying. That's nothing new to me at all. It doesn't surprise me too much that the term has gotten loose, so to speak. I have a particular distaste for people that I feel poorly represent any group that I am a part of. In this case military spouses. And sometimes I am going to vent on the internet about it. But that's to release my own steam. It's not to use a picture or personally identifying information to personally shame someone with or without their knowledge. If anything I would use the term as a place-holder for that info.

Not to mention. What was that specialized term of endearment we used to have? Beebee?

But are you "tending to your own kind" by going on FB pages meant to look for these distasteful spouses and venting about them? Honest question. Do you think the woman wearing her "sexually deprived for my freedom" tank in the commissary is reading "Overly Sensitive Military Wives Part II"? 

I guess I just don't understand being so bothered about innocuous things that you need to blow off steam by putting it up publicly. To me, it is more embarrassing that military spouses will eat their own for entertainment than the long list of dependa offenses. The idea of dependa hunting has, in my mind, actually become one of those stereotypical things military spouses do. It has come full circle.

[killercupcake]

Jun 24, 2015 15:23:15 GMT -5 calmcosmo said:

This stuff has flooded my newsfeed this week too. I'm surprised it is so explosive now as I've seen FB pages dedicated to "dependa hunting" for 5+ years.

I'm a military spouse blogger and columnist for Military Spouse Magazine so I obviously know what can happen in comments sections and have learned to have a thick skin. I've been accused of "living vicariously through my husband" because I write about being a military spouse. Forget my pesky Master's degree, my career outside of writing (writing is a hobby that makes enough money for my "wine fund") and the fact that if it were up to me my husband would retire exactly the moment he could.

The idea of making fun of purses made from camo fabric or people asking for military discounts just seems so zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz to me. Very ironic that women who have enough time to "dependa hunt" and post on FB pages about the overweight women or women with certain bumper stickers or camo purses are the ones feigning superiority. LOL. You have to be a huge loser to invest time into looking for people who you perceive are below you. So basic and boring and just a waste of time.

I'm not saying you can't roll your eyes or chuckle to yourself when you see something that is egregious or so fitting the stereotype that it's hilarious. I get it. I've seen the ultimate stereotypes "in the wild" myself over the past 12 years and had that "OMG!!!!" inner dialogue. But the idea of pulling out my phone and taking a picture and putting it on FB is gross and out of bounds.

?? Is this directed at me? 

[killercupcake]

Jun 24, 2015 8:54:55 GMT -5 cattledogkisses said:

The other one I hear sometimes (always from men) is "dependa-ho" which manages to be both insulting and misogynistic.

I've never heard this one. 

Gross. 

The cheating stereotype always makes me scratch my head because while I do know a couple of spouses who have cheated on their SM, I know twice as many pastors that have cheated on their spouses (actually know them, not looking at very public megachurch pastors). 

[cattledogkisses]

Jun 24, 2015 16:36:52 GMT -5 killercupcake said:

Jun 24, 2015 8:54:55 GMT -5 cattledogkisses said:

The other one I hear sometimes (always from men) is "dependa-ho" which manages to be both insulting and misogynistic.

I've never heard this one. 

Gross. 

The cheating stereotype always makes me scratch my head because while I do know a couple of spouses who have cheated on their SM, I know twice as many pastors that have cheated on their spouses (actually know them, not looking at very public megachurch pastors). 

Yeah.  Funny how no one ever implies that male dependents are just trading sex for money and benefits, right?

[amaristella]

Jun 24, 2015 15:34:25 GMT -5 calmcosmo said:

Jun 23, 2015 16:35:01 GMT -5 amaristella said:

The term dependapotamus, to me, is I tool that I use to "tend to my own kind". I didn't realize that anybody but other military spouses used it. I'm aware of cyber-bullying. That's nothing new to me at all. It doesn't surprise me too much that the term has gotten loose, so to speak. I have a particular distaste for people that I feel poorly represent any group that I am a part of. In this case military spouses. And sometimes I am going to vent on the internet about it. But that's to release my own steam. It's not to use a picture or personally identifying information to personally shame someone with or without their knowledge. If anything I would use the term as a place-holder for that info.

Not to mention. What was that specialized term of endearment we used to have? Beebee?

But are you "tending to your own kind" by going on FB pages meant to look for these distasteful spouses and venting about them? Honest question. Do you think the woman wearing her "sexually deprived for my freedom" tank in the commissary is reading "Overly Sensitive Military Wives Part II"? 

I guess I just don't understand being so bothered about innocuous things that you need to blow off steam by putting it up publicly. To me, it is more embarrassing that military spouses will eat their own for entertainment than the long list of dependa offenses. The idea of dependa hunting has, in my mind, actually become one of those stereotypical things military spouses do. It has come full circle.

Yeah.....when I come here to vent about something it's a real life event that happened between me and someone that I happen to be associated with. If you're calling me a keyboard warrior who delights in taking secret cell phone pictures of people in the commissary, People of Walmart style, I think you've got the wrong gal.

[calmcosmo]

Jun 25, 2015 3:00:21 GMT -5 amaristella said:

Jun 24, 2015 15:34:25 GMT -5 calmcosmo said:

But are you "tending to your own kind" by going on FB pages meant to look for these distasteful spouses and venting about them? Honest question. Do you think the woman wearing her "sexually deprived for my freedom" tank in the commissary is reading "Overly Sensitive Military Wives Part II"? 

I guess I just don't understand being so bothered about innocuous things that you need to blow off steam by putting it up publicly. To me, it is more embarrassing that military spouses will eat their own for entertainment than the long list of dependa offenses. The idea of dependa hunting has, in my mind, actually become one of those stereotypical things military spouses do. It has come full circle.

Yeah.....when I come here to vent about something it's a real life event that happened between me and someone that I happen to be associated with. If you're calling me a keyboard warrior who delights in taking secret cell phone pictures of people in the commissary, People of Walmart style, I think you've got the wrong gal.

Huh?

I haven't accused anyone here of anything. I have no idea what you actually do to "tend to your own" and vent about things.

Maybe I'm wrong, but "tending to my own" implies that I correct people or issues that I am surrounded with. That I am actively trying to mold those around me. So my kids, maybe younger spouses who I hang out with, etc. I'm trying to understand how venting on a chat board is doing that.

[calmcosmo]

Jun 24, 2015 16:31:37 GMT -5 killercupcake said:

Jun 24, 2015 15:23:15 GMT -5 calmcosmo said:

?? Is this directed at me? 

No, it wasn't directed at any one person.

[killercupcake]

Jun 25, 2015 8:58:50 GMT -5 calmcosmo said:

Jun 24, 2015 16:31:37 GMT -5 killercupcake said:

?? Is this directed at me? 

No, it wasn't directed at any one person.

Okay. Well it was confusing because you discussed the exact things I joked about, so whoever it was meant for here, my statement above was meant to be tongue in cheek.

I don't "dependa hunt," nor do I take pictures and post them online. I'm not apart of any military spouse online community outside of this one, definitely not OSMW, and I've never submitted to those sites. I laugh to myself when I see people wearing their spouse's dog tags and roll my eyes when I hear about entitlement of anyone, just as you do and discussed above, in case something wasn't clear. 

[killercupcake]

Jun 25, 2015 15:09:07 GMT -5 Stan said:

Following along with KC, I am always going to give shit to people who wear their spouse's rank, on anything. Or the shit that says Infantry Wife or whatever. But, now that I've earned my own rank, I find myself less upset about stuff I used to get really annoyed by. 

Same vein, but now that I've got my own things and identity that is outside of H's former career, I think things bother me much less. They're humorous now instead of bothersome. 

I still loathe dogtags as jewelry, but I think most people do. lol

[beans]

Jun 24, 2015 16:42:26 GMT -5 cattledogkisses said:

Jun 24, 2015 16:36:52 GMT -5 killercupcake said:

I've never heard this one. 

Gross. 

The cheating stereotype always makes me scratch my head because while I do know a couple of spouses who have cheated on their SM, I know twice as many pastors that have cheated on their spouses (actually know them, not looking at very public megachurch pastors). 

Yeah.  Funny how no one ever implies that male dependents are just trading sex for money and benefits, right?

well to be fair, there are negative stereotypes/things said about male dependents, particularly if they don't work or are SAHD

[amaristella]

Jun 25, 2015 8:57:52 GMT -5 calmcosmo said:

Jun 25, 2015 3:00:21 GMT -5 amaristella said:

Yeah.....when I come here to vent about something it's a real life event that happened between me and someone that I happen to be associated with. If you're calling me a keyboard warrior who delights in taking secret cell phone pictures of people in the commissary, People of Walmart style, I think you've got the wrong gal.

Huh?

I haven't accused anyone here of anything. I have no idea what you actually do to "tend to your own" and vent about things.

Maybe I'm wrong, but "tending to my own" implies that I correct people or issues that I am surrounded with. That I am actively trying to mold those around me. So my kids, maybe younger spouses who I hang out with, etc. I'm trying to understand how venting on a chat board is doing that.

Two separate actions.

I can have a person to person chat with someone and still be fuming enough about it later to need to vent.

[amaristella]

I also have to agree with Stan and KC that over time I've managed to remove myself from a lot of the situations that were causing problems. Namely, from no longer being an FRG officer, to no longer really associating with spouse groups or even being on base, let alone in the commissary.

Except, apparently, the fact that I'm living in an apartment complex where at least half the families are military families. But I'm counting the months until my lease is up. I think I'm getting to old and crotchety to be living in such close quarters with any population.

[Dory1988]

I've spent the last few years really becoming, unintentionally, a person that doesn't give a shit what people think about me so, if I got put on one of those pages I probably wouldn't be real upset about it. I've come a long way from being a super unhappy person who was really self conscious and would get butt hurt about everything. Anyway, I'm willing to bet if people didn't get so butt hurt it would no longer be fun for them and it would go away. Drawing attention to it is fueling the fire. Like, "oh, let's write a bunch of articles to let people know how upset we are about adult women bullying eachother." That's a great idea because that's not giving the dependanuts something to talk about... Get where I'm going with this?