What to tell the service member when

[amaristella]

What to tell the service member when they are having a bad day, clearly missing their child, and questioning their decision to defend and protect their country through military service?

For example, he is worried that A will thinks he has abandoned him if, perhaps, he comes home from a year away only to be sent right onto a 10 month deployment with a ship.

I don't want to minimize his feelings. I'm sure if I were in his position I'd be feeling pretty badly also. I tried to tell him that once A is old enough we will just explain to him and he will understand. And that we know a lot of well-adjusted military kids who understand why their parent has to be gone a lot.

I expected that he would have some hard days, but I feel like nothing I tell him is enough. I'm sure that his feelings are completely normal but then again we know plenty of people who size it up and decide that they are done with the military.

Any words of wisdom?

[nsl]

I wouldn't try to talk him out of those feelings at all. You can't make this situation better by telling him something. I would, however, use it as an opportunity to discuss how much longer he wants to stay in (if at all) past his current commitment.

I would also remind him that there are things he can do now, while he's at home, and when he goes out on his ship to stay a steady presence in your son's life. For example, my H made a lot of videos of himself reading books and singing songs to our boys before and during his deployment, and those helped when they were missing Daddy. We also had one of those "Daddy Bears" in ACUs DS 1 could cuddle when he needed a physical hug. And truthfully, if he has to be gone for a chunk of your kid's childhood this is not a terrible time for that to happen because A won't remember it at all when he gets older.

[dcn]

Oh that's so hard. I would just try to be there to listen and to reassure him that you will do whatever you can to make that not happen. But also if it does you will also be there to help them work through it. I would research ways to keep them connected as much as possible during his absence.

It would also open up a conversation about how long to stay in etc. I think a lot of people struggle more once kids are in the picture.

[amaristella]

Jun 30, 2015 18:00:16 GMT -5 Stan said:

I got my 3.5 yo niece (I know it's not the same) a bear in ACUs like NSL's I'm sure. I told her any time she missed me all she had to do was hug Cindarella (she named it, lol) and I'd feel the hug and be giving her a hug right back. We practiced the hug and she loved it.

I'd also just validate him. What he's feeling is totally valid, and we all question our decision to serve at some point. Hopefully he's with other people who have kids and can commiserate. Hugs to all of you!

Funny that you mention that. Up until now he always has. His favorite person that he hung out with in OCS was a guy with three daughters. And usually I have a sense that once he is settled there's one or more persons that he identifies with and feels comfortable talking to (or being miserable with). Where he is now I don't think he has mentioned a single person by name except for visitors that he is sometimes charged with entertaining. Maybe I can try to get him to tell me more about his coworkers. I feel like whenever he is not at a meeting or managing a facility during the day he is chatting with me from his work computer. And when he is not at work or on duty he is either eating, exercising,  or in his room. Every now and then I think he pops out to try and enjoy a concert or something.

[amaristella]

I followed up. He has a gym buddy who has teenagers at home. Says that he can just about count on one hand the number of active duty Navy there. Apparently most are reservists who are very excited to be there. And I already knew that he had cultural differences with the foreign nationals, but apparently they have a very challenging language barrier as well. So he definitely doesn't have as many people that he feels like confiding in as he normally would.

[Deleted]

Right now I'm a DoD civ that has been in SWA for 20 months. I have two dogs and had to leave them with my mom. I have major guilt about it. Obviously not the same as a kid but I kinda get where he's coming from because I also can't explain to my dogs that I will be back, etc etc. What keeps me going is that it is for a limited amount of time.
What is 10 months in 60/70 years of being someone's dad?

[amaristella]

Jul 1, 2015 3:34:40 GMT -5 @lemonlover said:

Right now I'm a DoD civ that has been in SWA for 20 months. I have two dogs and had to leave them with my mom. I have major guilt about it. Obviously not the same as a kid but I kinda get where he's coming from because I also can't explain to my dogs that I will be back, etc etc. What keeps me going is that it is for a limited amount of time.
What is 10 months in 60/70 years of being someone's dad?

It's 10 months following this year. So the better part of two years if that's what the ship's schedule ends up being when he gets there. I think he feels it so strongly right now because two years is different to a 1.5 year old than it would be to a 25 year old. I'll try to put some focus on the count down. I started sending him the spent links from my paper count down chain (which I have only been making a few weeks at a time because otherwise it would be so looong). I write special events on the applicable ones. And I told him he could burn the whole chain when he's done.

[Ashsmash]

If it helps at all, my brother and I grew up with his dad (my stepdad) in the navy and we don't have any abandonment issues Sure, it sucked for everybody and my brother didn't understand when he was younger. Eventually little brother understood that dad wasn't leaving because he wanted to. He called home as often as he could and always brought back a little something.

[brandienee]

That's so tough. I am sorry. His feelings are completely valid. It doesn't seem fair at all.

Your H sounds like good people, I am sure that you'll both find good ways to have family time and make sure your son doesn't feel neglected.

I have absolutely no help and can't offer solid advice, other than letting him vent it out. Just hugs and good vibes going your way.

[amaristella]

Jul 2, 2015 0:17:10 GMT -5 Ashsmash said:

If it helps at all, my brother and I grew up with his dad (my stepdad) in the navy and we don't have any abandonment issues Sure, it sucked for everybody and my brother didn't understand when he was younger. Eventually little brother understood that dad wasn't leaving because he wanted to. He called home as often as he could and always brought back a little something.

That's what I'm counting on. I mean, at this age there are quite a lot of things about life that he doesn't understand, but I feel pretty confident that once he is older he'll be able to.

For me what makes it work is that after the next tour DH shouldn't really be deploying much (if at all, other than short trips) for the remainder of his career. I think for him that he is mostly stressing about the here and now.

[Ashsmash]

Jul 2, 2015 22:12:29 GMT -5 amaristella said:

Jul 2, 2015 0:17:10 GMT -5 Ashsmash said:

If it helps at all, my brother and I grew up with his dad (my stepdad) in the navy and we don't have any abandonment issues Sure, it sucked for everybody and my brother didn't understand when he was younger. Eventually little brother understood that dad wasn't leaving because he wanted to. He called home as often as he could and always brought back a little something.

That's what I'm counting on. I mean, at this age there are quite a lot of things about life that he doesn't understand, but I feel pretty confident that once he is older he'll be able to.

For me what makes it work is that after the next tour DH shouldn't really be deploying much (if at all, other than short trips) for the remainder of his career. I think for him that he is mostly stressing about the here and now.

Yeah, sometimes it's hard to look forward to when things will be better. I know my step dad always had a hard time with it. He was always counting down to when he could retire lol