I'd love to get some perspective on a few things

[lovelovelove]

Hope everyone is doing well. I was starting to really feel pretty good and like I was putting my life back together. But it always feels like one step forward then two back. This might get long, sorry!

I wanted to read others experiences, from the addict and the spouce, on your initial recovery process/experience. I know it's different for everyone, but I'm wondering if I'm being to sensitive, hard on my h, or expecting too much too soon.

First, about a week ago h dropped on me that he doesn't like our marriage counselor. He said it to me like I should have known. But he's made no moves to tell her we're done or find someone else. I'm hurt that he's been holding on to this and that we may have been wasting our time if he wasn't getting anything out of our sessions.

While we were discussing that, I started to tell him that I'm still feeling pretty isolated from his recovery process and that we're in really different places. He tried to explain to me how it's a personal thing for him right now and I do understand that. But then he said "I have to be selfish right now to take care of me and work through this". I get that, but when I pushed it further it made me feel like he doesn't have the capacity to really be present in our marriage and parenting. I'm so so so sad about this now. It hurts so much that I asked him if he even thinks about me when he's reflecting on his alcoholism and how life has unfolded he basically told me there's not much room for that. He did say the motivation to get through the steps is being a better person, husband, and father so he can be with us. But that response made me feel like he's just expecting that if he does the 12 steps and feels like he's in a good place that there are no issues in our life together.

He said he told his sponsor we're in marriage counseling and the sponsor's comment was "well that's good if that's something you guys think you need". It stuck me as flippant and like his sponsor thinks I'm adding an extra, unnecessary layer to this process. But how could we not need therapy after this?

I also sort of feel like h is still in denial about some of the crap that has happened. He's on super thin ice at work and he keeps saying it's bc his boss is holding a grudge about h needing time off to deal with his health issues last year. But it's obvious to me there's more to it. So now I'm petrified he's going to lose his job soon. I'm helping him job search so at least I feel productive.

Finally, if you've made it this long, he doesn't feel like he owes me an apology for anything that happened when his drinking was out of control. He'll say "I know I was a shitty husband and maybe I do owe you an apology, but I just don't think I should have to apologize for having a disease." Which is not what I've asked for. I told him I wanted an acknowledgement of keeping our life together, protecting dd, how scared I was, etc.

All of these things are making me really sad, sometimes angry, and starting to go back to thinking I need to consider if this is a good marriage for either of us. It seems like he doesn't enjoy my company anymore, he's not excited for plans we're making, and he has a short fuse with dd.

Sorry this is so long. I hope I'm making sense. Thanks so much for reading!

[flex]

There's so much I want to say but it's would take a long time of typing (lol) and I don't want to make it sound like your feelings are not valid, because they ARE!  

And so to keep my post short, all I can say is I strongly encourage you to get involved in Al-Anon if at all possible. I think it will help you tremendously.

[lovelovelove]

Jun 30, 2015 22:26:49 GMT -5 flex said:

There's so much I want to say but it's would take a long time of typing (lol) and I don't want to make it sound like your feelings are not valid, because they ARE!  

And so to keep my post short, all I can say is I strongly encourage you to get involved in Al-Anon if at all possible. I think it will help you tremendously.

Thanks I was going but things have gotten so crazy (excuses, excuses) I haven't been in a bit. I need to find a babysitter or more meetings with childcare.

[spedrunner]

I agree, al anon!

The most difficult thing to do is take care of YOURSELF. You need to get to that point where you meet your needs first, allow your H to do the same until you are both at healthier places :0

xoxo

[pinkdutchtulips]

i divorced mine.

12 years of being off and on the addict bandwagon and when he went back to meth (after 15 years) that was the final straw. he completed rehab but wouldn't commit to the recovery process (i was DONE w/ him at that point)and eventually relapsed - again. he thought that by completing rehab that he'd get his family back as if nothing happened. i'm sorry it doesn't work that way.

sometimes things happen in your life that change you forever, xh's meth relapse changed me forever.

[Deleted]

Jun 30, 2015 22:09:33 GMT -5 lovelovelove said:

1. It hurts so much that I asked him if he even thinks about me when he's reflecting on his alcoholism and how life has unfolded he basically told me there's not much room for that. He did say the motivation to get through the steps is being a better person, husband, and father so he can be with us. But that response made me feel like he's just expecting that if he does the 12 steps and feels like he's in a good place that there are no issues in our life together.

2. He said he told his sponsor we're in marriage counseling and the sponsor's comment was "well that's good if that's something you guys think you need". It stuck me as flippant and like his sponsor thinks I'm adding an extra, unnecessary layer to this process. But how could we not need therapy after this?

3. He'll say "I know I was a shitty husband and maybe I do owe you an apology, but I just don't think I should have to apologize for having a disease." Which is not what I've asked for. I told him I wanted an acknowledgement of keeping our life together, protecting dd, how scared I was, etc.

1. It's good that your DH is motivated to do the 12 steps and be a better father and husband.  Sorry, I'm not clicking on your backstory, but is he new to the AA program? Many people in recovery do therapy to address additional issues.  That is not a rarity.  It's often a good idea to get a therapist who is really in tune with addiction.  They are sometimes referred to as CAC's.  CAC 1, CAC 2, etc indicates the four levels of training as a Certified Addiction Counselor. 

2. As to the sponsor's comment, that is hearsay to you. Just forget that one. The sponsor's words, tone, inflection, etc. may have been different than you are imagining.  The sponsor didn't say therapy is a stupid idea, right?

3. Once DH does the 12 steps, he'll understand that making amends is about acknowledging the harm he did, apologizing, and asking if there was anything else he needs to know about. While this isn't an opportunity to bash the alcoholic, it is an opportunity for those injured by the alcoholic's actions to have a say. Yes, we have a disease, but getting recovered means taking action for our past mistakes and trying not to repeat those same mistakes!  Again, I'm not sure why he is saying he doesn't need to acknowledge your pain just because he has a disease.  This is why I'm wondering if he is new.

So...not to repeat what the others have said, but I'd suggest Al-Anon for you!  I think you'd find some relief in talking with others who have dealt with alcoholism.  ((Hugs))

[lovelovelove]

@courtneyloves thanks so much. Yes he's new to aa, about 6 months sober/in the program. He has a separate therapist, specializing in addiction, also.

I do need to go back to al-anon. My goal this week will be to find a meeting that might work better with my schedule.