How to handle parenting with alcoholic?

[threejs]

I realize this is a long shot (and a long post), but if anyone here has any advice or experience with a similar situation, please weigh in.  My husband and I have been separated for a year now.  He is an alcoholic.  We have an almost 8 yr old daughter.  Before we separated he wasn't actively drinking (at least not regularly) but was impossible to live with (for me at least).  He did not work for nearly three years and we don't live in an area where employment is hard to come by.  He was great with our daughter, however, and was her primary caregiver for about 2 years, up until we separated. Once he moved out, he started drinking heavily, which I didn't realize until he got a DUI (his second) 6 months later.  Prior to learning about the DUI, I could not figure out why he almost never saw or spent time with DD.  She was heartbroken and missed her daddy terribly, but she has now mostly gotten used to not having him around much.  Though we'd set up a visitation schedule, he's never stuck to it.  She's never been to his place.  He does have a job now, and works nights, but whether or not he spends time with her on his days off is hit or miss, mostly miss.  When he does spend time with her, it's at our house.

Because H goes to work at 2 in the afternoon, the plan for the summer months has been that he come over in the mornings when I need to leave for work, hang out with her all morning, and then drop her at my Mom's house on his way to work in the afternoons.  DD has been out of school since June 5 and H has shown up in the mornings in time for me to leave for work maybe 4 or 5 times?  I had made up my mind to stop asking him and was just taking her to my Mom's myself on my way to work, but then she had morning swim lessons for two weeks and I didn't have anyone to take her, so I asked him if he could be sober long enough to handle.  As a result of the last DUI he has a breathalyzer on his car, so he can't drink and drive with DD.  When I asked him to take her to swim, he jumped at the chance and told me he was in counseling.  Swim ended last week, but much to DD's delight, he's continued to spend the mornings with her this week.  Until this morning when he didn't show up or call or answer the phone, again.  And she had to be disappointed, again. And I had to be late for work.  Again.  

So, I guess my question is, is it better for DD to have her dad around sometimes and deal with the disappointment when he doesn't show, or not see him at all?  I am feeling inclined to tell him he can see her as much as he wants when we are home, but since I can't depend on him, not to come over in the mornings anymore. Would that be wrong of me?  

[flex]

Have you asked your DD what she'd prefer?

[threejs]

Jul 8, 2015 21:11:06 GMT -5 flex said:

Have you asked your DD what she'd prefer?

I came in to delete this post -- didn't want to leave it hanging out there with no responses. But, since I got one (thank you, Flex!) I'll leave it for now.  

I haven't asked DD but only because I know her preference is to get any and all time she can with her Dad.  She'll take whatever he gives, and I haven't wanted to get in the way of that because I know how much she misses and craves time with him.  

I just wonder if I'm doing her more harm in the long run by exposing her to so much disappointment when he doesn't show up, usually because he's passed out and the alarm and phone don't wake him.  I have at least learned not to tell her in advance to expect him, but he often tells her he'll see her the next day, and then doesn't show.

[flex]

I would talk to her about it and explain your concerns. Encourage her to talk to you about it. I realize she's only 8 years old, but kids that age are fairly aware. It may be that she's willing to take the chance of disappointment if her dad doesn't show. Don't criticize her dad--just leave it up to her what she wants to do. Make sense?

Also, has anyone suggested to you to attend Al-Anon meetings? It could be quite helpful for you.

[threejs]

I do need to find an Al-Anon meeting, I just haven't been able to figure out how to work it into my schedule. My H doesn't fully embrace that it's a problem he can't manage. He went to AA for a couple of weeks, and I went to one Al-Anon meeting back when he got his first DUI when DD was a newborn. Ugh. I can't believe how long I've been dealing with this.

[flex]

Jul 9, 2015 10:51:31 GMT -5 threejs said:

I do need to find an Al-Anon meeting, I just haven't been able to figure out how to work it into my schedule. My H doesn't fully embrace that it's a problem he can't manage. He went to AA for a couple of weeks, and I went to one Al-Anon meeting back when he got his first DUI when DD was a newborn. Ugh. I can't believe how long I've been dealing with this.

You're  not  alone in this, which is why this board was created.  Feel free to vent and/or ask questions.  Many of us understand your situation and we're here to help.

[Deleted]

Chiming in late, but yes! I'm glad you are here too. Welcome threejs.

I'd be concerned about leaving her alone with him at this point. Especially if he is driving with her in the car. There are ways around the breathalyzer. I've heard people talking about this after AA meetings (great, I know...) To ask her to monitor if "Daddy seems okay" is a lot to ask of an 8 year old.

malibu has a child. Maybe she would have some suggestions.

[threejs]

Jul 9, 2015 13:40:39 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

Chiming in late, but yes! I'm glad you are here too. Welcome threejs.

I'd be concerned about leaving her alone with him at this point. Especially if he is driving with her in the car. There are ways around the breathalyzer. I've heard people talking about this after AA meetings (great, I know...) To ask her to monitor if "Daddy seems okay" is a lot to ask of an 8 year old.

malibu has a child. Maybe she would have some suggestions.

Thank you! I'm not concerned about leaving her alone with him at the moment because he'd never drink around her, or even show up drunk.  Which is why I think he tells himself it isn't the problem that it is.  He was drinking fairly heavily when we first married (I seriously thought he was just the life of the party, how dumb am i? i wasn't even young when we married).  After he got his first DUI when she was a newborn, he quit drinking cold turkey, and went a couple of years sober.  Then he fell off the wagon one night, and after went another year or two sober.  This went on for like 7 years.  Despite many trips to counseling, solo for me, and as a couple, our marriage was miserable, but he wasn't actively drinking.  I finally got sick of being miserably married a year ago, we separated, and he went right back to drinking regularly, though never in our home, and never around DD. 

I would never ask her to monitor if Daddy seems okay. She doesn't know he has an alcohol problem, and I have no idea what would be an appropriate age for her to know.  

[flex]

Jul 9, 2015 14:21:06 GMT -5 threejs said:

Jul 9, 2015 13:40:39 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

Chiming in late, but yes! I'm glad you are here too. Welcome threejs.

I'd be concerned about leaving her alone with him at this point. Especially if he is driving with her in the car. There are ways around the breathalyzer. I've heard people talking about this after AA meetings (great, I know...) To ask her to monitor if "Daddy seems okay" is a lot to ask of an 8 year old.

malibu has a child. Maybe she would have some suggestions.

Thank you! I'm not concerned about leaving her alone with him at the moment because he'd never drink around her, or even show up drunk.  Which is why I think he tells himself it isn't the problem that it is.  He was drinking fairly heavily when we first married (I seriously thought he was just the life of the party, how dumb am i? i wasn't even young when we married).  After he got his first DUI when she was a newborn, he quit drinking cold turkey, and went a couple of years sober.  Then he fell off the wagon one night, and after went another year or two sober.  This went on for like 7 years.  Despite many trips to counseling, solo for me, and as a couple, our marriage was miserable, but he wasn't actively drinking.  I finally got sick of being miserably married a year ago, we separated, and he went right back to drinking regularly, though never in our home, and never around DD. 

I would never ask her to monitor if Daddy seems okay. She doesn't know he has an alcohol problem, and I have no idea what would be an appropriate age for her to know.  

If he continues with this behavior, she'll figure it out on her own.  Trust.

[malibu]

Hi. I'm sorry you're here but welcome.

My four year old knows that her father is an alcoholic. Not the name for it, not exactly what it is, but she does know that dad would rather lay on the couch sleeping half the time, stare at his phone, or go sit in the garage than spend an iota of time with her. She doesn't know the exact reason why this is but I can see her detachment from him that is slowly occurring, because he is too busy drinking to care about his family.

She (your DD) already knows something is up with him, I can promise you that. She may not know what it is exactly, but she is likely gradually detaching from him as he continually disappoints her. I wouldn't stop him from seeing her, but I wouldn't get her hopes up. If he continues to throw away his relationship with her, she'll make the decision herself in time to stop expecting anything from him. This is not for you to fix or force - it would be on HIM to make an attempt to repair that relationship, and only if she chooses to allow it. Don't blame yourself or feel an ounce of guilt about it, it is 100% his fault and responsibility if the relationship is lost. If the relationship deteriorates and you're ready to tell her about his addiction, the only thing I would continue to tell her is his addiction was in no way caused by her or anything she did, just that it's a wiring problem in his brain.

Also, you say you're sure he's never drank and drove with her - I thought the same thing until my H admitted it before he went to rehab last year. Your H wouldn't be able to now because of the breathalyzer, but I wouldn't discount it when the tester comes off his car.

[lovelovelove]

Im sorry you and your dd are in this situation.

I'm not in a place to give advice at this point, but I want to ditto malibu on the drinking and driving / drinking around dd. The last time my h drank was when he dropped our dd of at school and went straight to the liquor store and picked her up from school later. When I found out that's essentially when I told him he was done with dd until he was sober. And if it happened that time, I'm sure it had happened in the past. I beat myself up every day for having said "he'd never do that around her" and then watching it happen over and over.

I hope you can find an al-anon meeting and also figure out the situation with him being with your dd in the mornings. It's so exhausting coordinating all of this, especially with an unpredictable and unreliable component.

Actually based off of my thoughts on that, if I were in your situation I would plan for something else in the mornings - it's not fair to you or dd. You guys can come up with another plan for him to spend time with her. I did that for awhile, just planned for me and dd to take care of ourselves and if there was something h could be involved with great, if not it didn't take extra planning or rearranging to deal with. But that's just me, I think everyone has different needs and feelings in situations like this.

Good luck! Please check in often and use the board as much as you need to.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Jul 9, 2015 14:21:06 GMT -5 threejs said:

Jul 9, 2015 13:40:39 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

Chiming in late, but yes! I'm glad you are here too. Welcome threejs.

I'd be concerned about leaving her alone with him at this point. Especially if he is driving with her in the car. There are ways around the breathalyzer. I've heard people talking about this after AA meetings (great, I know...) To ask her to monitor if "Daddy seems okay" is a lot to ask of an 8 year old.

malibu has a child. Maybe she would have some suggestions.

Thank you! I'm not concerned about leaving her alone with him at the moment because he'd never drink around her, or even show up drunk.  Which is why I think he tells himself it isn't the problem that it is.  He was drinking fairly heavily when we first married (I seriously thought he was just the life of the party, how dumb am i? i wasn't even young when we married).  After he got his first DUI when she was a newborn, he quit drinking cold turkey, and went a couple of years sober.  Then he fell off the wagon one night, and after went another year or two sober.  This went on for like 7 years.  Despite many trips to counseling, solo for me, and as a couple, our marriage was miserable, but he wasn't actively drinking.  I finally got sick of being miserably married a year ago, we separated, and he went right back to drinking regularly, though never in our home, and never around DD. 

I would never ask her to monitor if Daddy seems okay. She doesn't know he has an alcohol problem, and I have no idea what would be an appropriate age for her to know.  

mine now xh swore up and down that he was never drunk (or high for that matter) when he was with dd until there was a day when he WAS high and w/ dd.  for a good 18 months- 2yrs xh was drunk daily and then he managed to keep it under control when he started watching dd 3 days a week to defray the daycare bill patiently agonizingly waiting for me to come home so he COULD start in on his 1/5th of vodka or 12 pk of beer. the days he didn't have her, he'd walk to the store and start drinking as soon as he woke up and then wouldn't stop until he passed out basically.

if you asked him, he wasn't an alcoholic. ask anyone else and the answer would be a resounding YES !!  i have no idea if he's still drinking or not but i know he did stop when he relapsed on meth. i left shortly thereafter with an RO stating he wasn't to have even visitation.

the long term effects of dd's exposure to xh's alcohol abuse - if i have a wine glass w/ a few sips left in it, dd will dump it down the drain if she spots it before i can finish it.

i'd restart Al-anon again, for me it was a lifesaver even though i left my xh. i had to figure out a place to start w/ me to make this (getting mixed up and staying w/ someone like him) never ever happen again. co-dependency is a b!tch !!