Intro

[heyjojo]

Hi everyone. I'm a poster on another board nd I've been lurking here a bit and wanted to introduce myself, and ask for some support.I'm sorry that this will be long, I just need to get it out somewhere.

My younger brother has been struggling with addiction and depression for the past decade. In the course of the last 3/4 years he's been using heroin/phentanyl and suboxone, taking pills, drinking and smoking. Last year my family was tipped off that he was using heavily and was strung out. I don't know how we didn't really see it before, I guess we were just blind and hopeful. Anyway, we staged an intervention and with the support of a large team of family friends and therapists, he agreed to go into a rehab program. He did the inpatient program for 2 months and then moved into sober housing for 3 months before he "returned" to normal life. At one year sober he made the choice to drink socially, and he hid it from us for a couple weeks.
I feel like as a family and a support system we totally dropped the ball on this, and intstead of sticking to our ultimatums, we turned a blind eye to the fact that this was going to be a slippery slope right back into him using again. He was insistent that he wasn't binge drinking, that he was working full time and paying rent (though still with a lot of financial help from my mother) and that he was doing fine and we needed to back off and let him be. My mother insisted that he be subjected to random drug testing, which he mostly complied with (at his own convenience of course) and one test a few months ago came back positive for some stuff like ecstasy and an opiate, I think. He insisted it was faulty. For the most part we were confident that although he may be drinking a bit, and probably smoking, that he wasn't using heroin again. I know this is our own denial at play, but we've just been so lost and it's hard to accept that he's lying to us.
Last month he lost his best friend to overdose. This friend had been through using and recovery with him, and had gone through many stints at rehab of his own. My brother is just completely devastated. His depression is now out control and he is so angry and guilty and is lashing out on me and my mom, as we are the enablers for him and we are the easiest for him to manipulate.
Last Friday his roommate contacted me and told me that she is certain that he is using again, and has moved out of the apartment because he has been taking the rent money and not paying the landlord etc. I'm so lost right now. I'm so afraid we are going to lose him. Worrying about him has made me feel completely unstable in my own life and I struggle with not giving in to him when he comes to me for help. My mother is completely at his mercy as well. My father is very hard on him and for that reason he doesn't see him much. And my eldest brother lives in another country.
This past weekend he came to the family BBQ (he lives 2hrs away, for reference, so we often only see him on occasional weekends) I picked him up from the bus (this is after I had heard from his roommate) and I could tell he was high. He's normally been so angry and depressed since he lost his friend, and this day he was jumpy and smiley and seemed as though he was forcing himself to be "normal". I didn't say anything to him and just pretended everything was normal.
I told my mom that I had heard he was using, and she approached him and told him she wanted him to test. He said he'd do it the next morning, and he said that he'd been taking suboxone and that he'd go see a therapist, but he would not go back to rehab. He refused it. His roommate had told me that he had told her that he was taking suboxone so he wouldn't get dope sick. I don't know much about suboxone, but my impression is that if you are taking it recreationally it will get you high, but if you take it in lieu of using it will keep from being dope sick?
Anyway, now it's been 5 days since we first were tipped off he was using again. He's refused rehab. He insists that he's not using, and I'm sure he's lying. He insisted that he go back to work this week because he has a very important project he's doing, and then after the project was done, he'd go see a physiatrist etc.
we've contacted an program in the city he lives in and they think that he's a good candidate for doing the outpatient program in conjunction with therapy and possibly a prescription for suboxone if it will keep him from using.
Is this the right thing to do for him right now? I don't really expect anyone to know the answer to that question, but I just feel so lost and I feel like the only option is to cut him off if he refuses rehab. I just feel like giving him that ultimatum will make him back away from us more, but I also feel like giving him this long leash and continuing to help and appease him isn't doing us any good either.
I lose sleep over this. I cry every day. I constantly have to stop myself from texting him because I don't want to "smother" him. My mom and I employ manipulative tactics just to get him to respond to us so we know he's alive in the morning. I hide behind a smile when I see him, let him take my car when he's visiting, lie to acquaintances when they ask about him and say he's doing great. I look at my own son and the thought of him struggling like this literally breaks my heart in half. I have anxiety filled moments when I can't stop myself from imagining the day we get the phone call that he's dead.
I'm sorry this is so long. I just needed to type it out. I know I should also be talking to someone because this is having such a negative impact on me as well. My mother is currently in therapy and does still go to meetings (even though he doesn't) and I know it's helping her cope as well. I thank you in advance for reading this and allowing me share.

[flex]

The right thing to do is let him make his own decisions. You don't need to cut him off just because he won't go into rehab, but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate any poor behavior he may exhibit to you or your family. You don't need to help or appease him--just let him know you love him and if he asks for help to get clean and sober, you'll be there for him. Just let him choose his own path AND let him deal with his own consequences.

[Deleted]

Have you tried Al-Anon for yourself? It might help you to visit and learn from others who are going through similar circumstances. flex stated it very succinctly and accurately above.

Hugs to you. I'm sure this must hurt a lot.

[heyjojo]

Thank you for your responses.
I'm very sad today and am having a hard time reconciling that I can't fix him right now. I know that focusing on myself is important too. I don't want to be afraid all the time. I'm going to find a local meeting.

[malibu]

Yes, Al-Anon is the way to go.

Unfortunately, the only way for an addict to choose to get better is to make the decision his or herself. They have to hit rock bottom (and for many, it takes a lot more than job loss or loss of family to hit rock bottom, sadly) and realize they can't come back from the addiction on their own.

You can love the addict and hate the addiction. It's so much easier said than done, but you can refuse to enable him but still make it clear you love him but will not put up with his behavior or choices anymore. Al-Anon or a therapist specializing in addiction may be able to help you learn how to do that.

The three C's that a family member or loved one struggles with - you didn't Cause the addiction, you can't Control it, and you can't Cure it. Only the addict can make that choice, as much as it sucks for the people around them.

[phoenixrising]

I don't have any experience to help you, but I wanted to send you (heart) (heart) (heart) .

[pinkdutchtulips]

Jul 8, 2015 21:01:52 GMT -5 flex said:

The right thing to do is let him make his own decisions. You don't need to cut him off just because he won't go into rehab, but that doesn't mean you have to tolerate any poor behavior he may exhibit to you or your family. You don't need to help or appease him--just let him know you love him and if he asks for help to get clean and sober, you'll be there for him. Just let him choose his own path AND let him deal with his own consequences.

yes yes yes to this !!!