What's your conflict resolution style?

[ct]

The boards converstation got me curious...what is your conflict resolution style with your SO?

Do you sit and talk it out (ie. process )? Ignore? Yell and scream? Other? Some combination?

[never2amazing]

I think it is a combination on all of the above. For us it depends on the conflict. If it is something we are passionate about we yell; if I am extremely passionate about the topic I shut up and (try) to walk away. Once the heat of the moment settles we sit and talk. Conflict seems to be our relationships middle name right now, and without having finalized our move, the sitting down and talking things out is pretty much non-existent.

[2brides]

step 1. Ignore for a long time.

step 2. HUGE fight that includes yelling and screaming (though I am trying to get better about this and walk away - but that just adds fuel to the fire.)

not the healthiest ways to approach conflict.

[twotrue]

I avoid conflict. I hate it. But in general I cry and she gets mad/yells/shuts down (a combo of any of those)

[Deleted]

I am a talker/screamer and J is an ignorer, not the best combo.

[kershnic]

Lots of ignoring comes first, then usually a little yelling and/or crying to break the ice, eventually too much talk talk talking, and then we go back to ignoring. Or the issue goes away, but there's a few hot button things that will probably never die.

[rikkiandjulie]

Julie will keep quiet about something for too long. Then she will make a small dig. Creating a huge fight. I cry, and she just stonewalls. I'll keep trying to get her to talk, she never does. Eventually, when I've stopped crying/yelling she will talk. She's extremely passive aggressive.

[ct]

This is interesting! The site is being annoyingly slow for me right now, but I will def be back to share ours.

[never2amazing]

Aug 17, 2012 13:20:03 GMT -5 twotrue said:

she gets mad/yells/shuts down (a combo of any of those)

She and I seem to be cut from similar cloths.

[rikkiandjulie]

I should add, that I am incredibly unhelpful bc when Julie sits quiet, saying nothing, I will keep on going until I get her to say something at which point she typically yells...not super healthy but at least it happens only a few times a year

[cymru]

I am a yeller/ cryer.

Scoop is an ignorer.

We actually have our most effective conflict resolutions over text or email. It seems like we can get more accomplished when we aren't face to face.

[ElsaVonM]

No yelling. We both hate it.

It depends on what the nature of the conflict is. If it's a big decision we disagree about, we basically just go through the factors and why we feel like some outweigh others and advocate for our side and come to a decision. We try to identify any emotional reasons why we feel attached to one side or the other and figure out if we want to make that part of the decision or try to set it aside. Totally allowed to say "This is really important to me and I don't know why or care, it just is" or "I know it's not practical but I want it anyway." Sometimes that person wins

If it's a more personal conflict, like one of us is doing something annoying or hurting the other person somehow, it mostly just comes down to being honest and then the other person trying to make an effort to change. Sometimes it takes years to make the change but we're pretty good about acknowledging/appreciating effort.

[joyseattle]

I need to talk it all through, she needs to process it on her own. This can lead to me pushing until she gets upset. Both of us yell sometimes, but we work hard not to do that by trying to call for time outs. I hate waiting through a time out she calls, but understand the need and sometimes call them myself when I'm feeling upset/angry/overwhelmed and want to avoid yelling. We always need to work on bringing up issues before they get to the point of a conflict, but that's hard to do.

[ct]

One thing we are not is ignorers. The minute something is bothering either of us, the other will know - sometimes, to a fault. We have yelling/crying fights on occasion but its pretty rare. Mostly one of us will make a short comment/dig/ect to the other person, we'll bicker and hash it out for a minute, and then it'll be over. I can get very upset, but as long as vent my fustrations, I'm over in an instant. Andrea stews on stuff a little longer which can be very annoying to me but she's gotten significantly better over the stewing/grudge holding over the years.

Nothing annoys me more than talking about the same things over and over or processing at great lengths. I'm a throw a few jabs, call a winner, and move on kind of girl.

[rikkiandjulie]

CT that's hysterical, only bc I'm the total opposite. I have to talk something to death, and then talk some more.

[hlke]

C tends to be an ignorer, and I tend to be a bring it up/talk it out kind of person. When we do argue, I tend to be the yeller/crier, while C wants to process things on her own. Her processing on her own tends to feel like stonewalling or ignoring my feelings to me, so I often keep talking to try and get her to talk, which only makes her mad and want to talk even less. It's a problem that we have been trying to work on.

[rikkiandjulie]

Hlke: sounds like Julie and i

[kershnic]

Aug 18, 2012 13:47:43 GMT -5 ct said:

One thing we are not is ignorers. The minute something is bothering either of us, the other will know - sometimes, to a fault.

In our ignoring it is a fairly rare that we didn't both know what was bothering who... as I mentioned, there are a few things that seem to come up over and over again... it's just that we both try to ignore it.

[ct]

yeah, i'm pretty much a man when it comes to conflict.

[hensmum]

We sometimes do the thing where one snaps at the other, and there's a quick, tense exchange. Then we'll let it cool and talk quietly later.

With big stuff, we take our sweet time getting around to it. When we do, we are processors for sure. No yelling. We're both criers too, haha What a girly mess :-p

[kimnsandy]

Sandy will want to talk it to death. Unfortunately, the more she talks, the more quiet I get because I heard and understood the first 10 times it was said and the next 10 are just annoying me now. I do not like to get into shit when I am mad. So I try to just keep it in until the heat of the moment has passed. Then later...like days/weeks, we will be having a discussion about something and I will discuss it. That way we can have a rational conversation and not a huge fight.

However, while this works for us....Sandy gets really sick to her stomach if we REALLY fight, it does mean that I suck it up for a while before I am able to discuss it calmly. Sometimes I miss being with someone that I could have a good yelling match with and get it over with. Crazy I know.

[eratmama]

We throw in a few digs or state why we are annoyed. I wish we could cut to the chase at this point, but we usually have to sit down and talk/cry/yell whatever. Then, come to an agreement. If we do that a few times a year, it clears the air. We are getting better at cutting to the chase and not letting it build up though.

[Duchess1]

I try to talk it out but she shuts down. That drives me batty so I pick a fight or stomp around slamming cabinets etc until she talks. I am super fun to live with :-)