XP from TIP. New and need support

[louloubell]

I was a lurker on TN under a different name, and followed you guys here. I've always admired your advice and support, and could use some tonight. This is going to be long.

My now-ex boyfriend (no kids together, don't live together) has been controlling and emotionally abusive to me from day 1. We've been together for just under a year. There were a million red flags that I managed to ignore as a big picture, because I was convinced my personality was strong enough to not let him control me, and he generally backed off as long as I pushed back a little.

Examples (will be DD'd later): 1. we got in an argument, and he blocked my car in my garage with his car to force me to talk and not be able to leave. 2. Another time we were supposed to meet some family of mine out and we were arguing. I asked him to let me just go to the family event without him and discuss our issues later. He followed me to the event and refused to allow me to walk in without him..so I left and texted my mom that we were arguing and I wasn't coming. He then waited for my parents to leave the event so he could "tell his side" (he was afraid I had badmouthed him. I hadn't said anything other than that we were arguing). 3. He wanted to know every place I was going, every person I was texting, what the contents were of every text, etc. He would ask 800 questions about my day every day, which at first I thought was just him showing interest, but quickly realized he was asking because he would then bring things up later, like "I thought you said you had that meeting at 2? now you're saying it was at 3?" and he had me pretty convinced that I was either losing my mind or lying (neither was happening).

This all came to a climax today when we got in an argument about yet another issue he has been trying to control, and when I tried to walk away from him, he pinned my arm behind my back and started screaming in my face. I got away from him and tried to leave, and he shoved me down in the driveway and threw my keys and cell phone. The neighbor across the street was outside and called 911 and he was arrested because I told the officer I wanted to press charges. I'm a little beat up (scrapes mostly, on my arm and leg from hitting the driveway so hard).

I know the cycle of abuse. I know that it is ending today. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, I'm done with him and the relationship. I just need some support and advice on how to stay strong when he inevitably starts trying to convince me that he is sorry. I'm beating myself up for not walking away from this relationship earlier, for ignoring the red flags.

I already got messages from him tonight (he got released sometime this evening) saying "I'm so sorry, didn't mean to hurt you" and "if you just would have done xyz, this wouldn't have happened". I blocked him on FB, email, instant messaging, etc. I can't block a number on my cell phone (Sprint). I'll block him from my work email as soon as I get there on Monday, and I screen all of my work calls anyways.

Are there resources outside of counseling (websites, book recommendations)? I'm going to look up the list of approved counselors on my health insurance's website right after I post this, and try to make an appt with one asap. My friends and family are being awesome supports, but none of them have ever been through it. I know some of you have, and would appreciate any and all advice.

Mostly, this just makes me sad

[meadowlark]

It is sad. But you need counseling to figure out why you allow yourself to be treated this way. And a good therapist will help you. A lot.

If you fear he will retaliate, I'd suggest you think about getting a restraining order, too. He sounds pretty out of control. Does he drink? Does he own a gun? You may want to contact your local battered women's shelter for their assistance.

Good luck to you.

[Deleted]

Sorry my muthafucking ass. Fuck that hosebeast.

Did you call sprint and ask how to get the number blocked? Because I'm pretty sure they do it, especially in cases of threats. If they honestly, truly can't block his number or give you a way to block it via your phone, I would suggest getting your number changed.

I think you're doing the right thing here on all counts. I wouldn't beat myself up about leaving sooner or whatnot. Part of abuse is making you doubt yourself so that's still all on his fucking chodey ass.

[10nille]

"I'm so sorry, didn't mean to hurt you" and "if you just would have done xyz, this wouldn't have happened"

The one thing is you realize now what a mistake it was to ignore the red flags and know he is an abuser. I would think a domestic hotline might offer some support. btw this is classic manipulation of telling you he wouldn't have hurt you if only you did xyz, he is tying to blame you. He is to blame and that is NOT an apology, it is a warning that he feels justified hurting you and making himself the victim. Good luck and good for you for pressing charges. See if you can get a TRO.
Also, there are several boards here which would be supportive including Starting Over.

[loveablesarah]

Don't beat yourself up. The important part is you are now seeing the abuse and putting a stop to it. Never look back with regret. Look forward with new understanding and a lesson well learned.

Go to counseling and rely heavily on your friends and family. Stay as far away from him as possible and have no contact with him if you can help it in any way.

I'm really sorry. No one should have to go through this. But you'll be okay. Stay strong and come back here for support any time you need it.

Hugs

[jens]

Aug 18, 2012 23:52:41 GMT -5 @habbsies said:

Sorry my muthafucking ass. Fuck that hosebeast.

Did you call sprint and ask how to get the number blocked? Because I'm pretty sure they do it, especially in cases of threats. If they honestly, truly can't block his number or give you a way to block it via your phone, I would suggest getting your number changed.

I think you're doing the right thing here on all counts. I wouldn't beat myself up about leaving sooner or whatnot. Part of abuse is making you doubt yourself so that's still all on his fucking chodey ass.

Thumbs up to all of this. Don't worry about what you have done up til today - you're doing the right thing now. Turn around and don't look back, you deserve so much better.

[WOT?*]

You said "I was convinced my personality was strong enough to not let him control me, and he generally backed off as long as I pushed back a little." No matter how strong you think your personality is, an abusive personality is someone that will abuse and push, and if you push back "a little" he will push back harder. Nobody has a personality that can "stand up" to an abuser, because an abuser is an abuser is an abuser. They are predators and they prey on people who *think* they can deal with it or are "grateful" to have anyone in their lives at all. They don't deal in healthy relationships.

Ditto the first poster who suggested counseling to see why you let this happen. NO man is worth the red flags that this one had, or any other who waves these same red flags in the future, no matter how good looking or how magical the penis. A relationship is about trust, caring and partnership, not control, fear and manipulation. He's not capable of the former because he's shown that he relates by the latter.

No matter how sorry he is, this is his PERSONALITY. It will not change, no matter how sorry he may say he is. The only way he will change is if he takes therapy -- years and years of therapy -- because this is ingrained into him. And you are NOT to be the person that he "trains" himself on during the process. He's not worth it and you are.

Find someone worthy of you in a partnership-relationship, not a dominance and bullying and abusive one. IF he changes, and that's a big, huge IF, it's not going to be for a very, very long time. You don't need to stick around for that. There are a helluvalot more guys than this one, and a helluvalot of them are a helluvalot better.

[marynjoe]

No matter what, do NOT talk to him again. He'll beg and plead and if you finally pick up the phone after the 75th call (even to yell at him and tell him to stop calling), all you taught him is that if he bugs you enough, he'll get his way. Press charges, ignore any attempts at contact, do NOT talk to him, do NOT email him, do NOT ever acknowledge him again. The minute you do, the whole thing will start again. You own him NO explanations. He'll start with they "why?" and give you the "I'm sorry." crap. Who cares. Don't engage him at all.

Do NOT try to let him down easy or be nice, or any other crap like that. Ignore him, don't be nice. You've told him it's over and that's all you owe him. As long as you keep explaining yourself, he thinks he has a chance.

You can get a temporary restraining order (TRO) but still, there's not much the cops can really do since by the time they get to your home, asshole willl be gone. Besides, if he's truly violent, it really won't stop anything and it might give you a false sense of security.

Document everything. If he leaves messages, save them. Save and print out emails. If he's outside of your house, take pictures and/or video. Don't get rid of your old number. Keep it so you can document his messages and calls. Instead, get an additional new number for your friends and family.

Tell your family and friends what's going on so they can look out for you. If you have to, stay with a friend for a few weeks. Also tell your coworkers that they are to notify security if he is to show up. You might want to have someone walk you to your car.

And go get the book "The Gift of Fear" by Gavin De Becker. Read chapters 10 & 11. You will be shocked at how familiar it all sounds, and it will give you great advice on how to proceed.

If you need any other advice, feel free to PM me.

[Deleted]

Good for you for leaving. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. Definitely pursue counseling.

[louloubell]

Thanks ladies. I definitely have an amazing support system and they are making sure that I'm not alone for now. I will have one of our police officers walk me to and from my car at work (I work on a federal institution, we have our own officers), and put him on a no-access list.

I barely slept last night. I found several abuse/domestic violence websites that were helpful. Made a list of reasons he is a douchebag and an abuser, and it is a long one. It took the physical violence for me to be able to label him as an abuser. I will definitely be exploring why that is in counseling. I found the list of preferred providers for my insurance--now how do I go about choosing one? Just pick the first one and hope for the best?

I found the block caller feature on my phone (it's an Android). Does anyone know if his voicemails will still show up? I don't want to listen to them, but I want to make sure they will be accessible in case I need them for evidence. The police officer suggested I wait on a TRO to see how he is in the next week. Like someone said, the officer said it is just a piece of paper and sometimes makes abusers escalate without offering any real protection. The officer did tell him to not contact me in any way (which he obviously has already violated).

[mypunkinpie]

Thank you for following up. You are being so smart about all this. Good for you. Keep it up and take one day at a time. I'm so glad you have a strong support system.

[dirtyred]

If you have your own apartment/home, I would suggest moving in with family or friends so it will be harder for him to get to you, and you won't be alone. In no way should you underestimate what he migt do to you if he were to ever get you alone.

I was in the same boat as you and ended up haing to move 1500 miles away to keep him from finding me.

[marynjoe]

Aug 19, 2012 8:16:30 GMT -5 @cse1960 said:

He does not have to obey the officer adn not call you. He does have to obey a TRO. Don't delay. Get one. It would be a good idea for you to have counselling to figure out why it was ok for you, in your mind, to stay with a controlling, bullying man. You knew he was, and you stayed because, as you say, you are strong enough to deal with the bullying and controlling; but why was that supposed to be the dynamic of your relationship at all? Therapy will help you.

I disgree with this. He's supposed to obey it, but he's already shown that he doesn't care what the law says. So, he won't follow it. And, he knows that if you call the police the minute you see him, he still has 5-10 minutes before he has to leave. If the cops never see him physically near you, they can't do anything. It's really a piece of paper. You might wish to do it just to have something legal in case this situation escalates, but if you think it will in anyway keep you safe, think again. A TRO does nothing to protect you. Don't let a false sense of security get your guard down.

[loveablesarah]

I agree with PP. You are very strong and brave. Good for you for not allowing this to continue.

A good counselor is hard to find. Talk to friends and family and ask your regular doctor. I also like to Google the ones accepted by my insurance. A LOT of them won't have websites, but I always really like the ones who do. It gives you a feel for them before wasting time and money. And then yes, make an appointment and see if they are a good fit. You'll probably get a sense if it is within the first appointment or two. If it isn't, keep trying different ones.

Good luck. Stay strong and stay safe.

[sashimi]

I know how difficult it is to break away from abuse. Proud of you for leaving.you have a long road of recovery. Stay strong!

[Norticprincess]

I'm sorry all of this happened. I hope you stay strong.

You CAN block a number on Sprint (doesn't prevent him from using a different number, When you can get your number changed. )-- if you go online it is under the My Preferences part - then down to Limits and Permissions - Block Texts --- select your number -- block only these numbers --- put in number you want to block -- hit add number -- it won't show up in the list as the website is buggy at least for Firefox-- but it is blocked and will show up later--- Then switch to Block Voice -- and repeat .

If you want the voicemails - I'd just put him on a silent ringtone and send it straight to voicemail.

[Deleted]

good luck and stay safe.