Lurker needs advice/help

[pearcider]

Relevant info: I have two sons, DS1 will be 4 in the fall and DS2 is 2 months old. I am on maternity leave and DH is off of work for the summer, so all four of us are home for July and August.

I need some advice and help re: DS1s recent behaviour. He has always been a super sweet and easy kid, but in the last few months has turned into a bit of a monster. He does not listen, says no to absolutely everything, and has started hitting us. We do not hit in our home and reinforce continually that we do not hit, but when he does not get his way he will hit, punch, scratch, spit and slap at us as well as name calling. 

I understand that he is going through changes with the new baby and probably has feelings of jealousy. That being said, his behaviour is getting worse and we are getting an episode of this hitting daily.

Does anyone have any advice or help for us? I have broken down crying the last two days because I feel that I have somehow failed as a parent.

[bowies]

I don't have any advice since I only have a very young toddler, but wanted to say that you are NOT a failure. You're experiencing growing pains that sound pretty common. I hope someone with preschooler experience chimes in.

[pearcider]

Thank you for your replies!
bowies - your kindness brought me tears. Thank you!

sxia - thank you for letting me know this is somewhat normal. We try so hard to reinforce that we are doing things for his brother that we did for him when she was a baby and we both give home special 1-on-1 time. He gets a lot of our attention (probably too much) and he is daddy obsessed right now. We know that tiredness is a factor, too, and he does need and get a lot of sleep, but maybe he still needs more?

[jenny1223]

I went through something similar earlier this summer w/DS (he's 3.5) though I don't have a new baby. He was punching, kicking, spitting, laughing when I yelled or tried to punish him, didn't care (in the moment) if I took away toys or privileges. It was mainly at bedtime that he did most of this behavior but it was pretty bad during the day. I felt like a complete failure at parenting.

What finally seemed to get him back to normal was limiting my yelling (it just escalated the problem), giving him more positive attention when he behaved appropriately, and getting him to bed earlier. All easier said than done, I know, especially with a newborn.

[lilac05]

We went through rough phases when DS2 was born (DS1 was 2.5) and we're dealing with it again at 4.5 (just after a move & a very stressful summer). No hitting, but definitely acting out.

They're looking for attention. Any attention. Negative attention is still attention. This is what worked for us: When DS1 was less than 3, we taught him to ask for attention. It sounds silly, but it worked. When he was acting out, I just said, "Oh, DS, it looks like you'd like some attention. Say, 'Mommy, I need attention, please.'" He would, I'd give him some extra hugs or talk to him for a bit, and the behavior would stop.

Now, at 4.5, I ignore as many of the negative behaviors as possible. I tell him that I will listen when he can use a kind/polite tone. On the flip side, during these phases, I try to pay extra a close attention to good behavior and point it out & let him know how much I appreciate it.

Hang in there. It's normal when a new sibling arrives & most of my friends see it again around age 4, too. So, depending on how you look at it, either you've got a double whammy or you're just getting it all out of the way at one time.