I just can't file

[bg]

Augh, I need this. Following this post.

[Deleted]

1. I took my ex's feelings out of it. I decided I had to do what was best for me even if that meant he hated me, threatened me, etc.

2. I knew dragging it out wouldn't make things better or easier. I just had to do it like ripping off a bandaid.

3. I realized what I wanted my life to look like in 6 months, a year and longer and knew being married to him was not what would make my life complete or happy.

[whatnext]

It's ok to still be on speaking terms with your H, friendly even but that doesn't mean you should necessarily be married. My XH is a nice guy but we weren't happy being married and only once have I thought in 18 months man did we make the right decision (I knew the answer was yes right away).

[pantsoffdanceoff]

I think you have to do what is best for you. I think the act of filing was what really helped me start to move on. It's hard to mourn the end of something and move on when you are still "in it".

[pinkdutchtulips]

Aug 3, 2015 0:55:34 GMT -5 @wandering said:

1. I took my ex's feelings out of it. I decided I had to do what was best for me even if that meant he hated me, threatened me, etc.

2. I knew dragging it out wouldn't make things better or easier. I just had to do it like ripping off a bandaid.

3. I realized what I wanted my life to look like in 6 months, a year and longer and knew being married to him was not what would make my life complete or happy.

ditto 1 & 3 !!!

[bl]

If you believe the marriage is over then that is definitely a good first step. Are you in individual counseling? That could help you work through the closure to be ready to file. There was a catalyst for me and that was finding out that he had a gf whom he had already professed his love and desire to be with long term, I am sure that big event made it easier for me to be 100% sure there was no hope. Try not to worry about if he wants the divorce or not and just focus on what you need to do to make you happy.

[doglove]

I agree individual counseling would probably help you.

[pinkdutchtulips]

Aug 3, 2015 8:39:39 GMT -5 @rumpshaker said:

Aug 2, 2015 23:22:46 GMT -5 RamblingRose said:

How does it make you feel to think about living with him again?

Anxious and unhappy.

File ! I left xh bc the mere thought of continuing to live w him made me mere steps from begging for a Xantax prescription (that and the meth relapse) ...

[bg]

Aug 3, 2015 8:39:39 GMT -5 @rumpshaker said:

Aug 2, 2015 23:22:46 GMT -5 RamblingRose said:

How does it make you feel to think about living with him again?

Anxious and unhappy.

File! Is there someone that can go with you and give you support?

But if you're not ready I agree counseling would help get you there.

[glitzyglow]

I wasn't ready, per say, but I knew it had to be done to put myself on track to a healthier, happier life. I couldn't continue being tied to someone who wasn't inspiring me to be the best version of myself (and who caused me so much stress, anxiety, and unhappiness). I think it hit me a bit more after the filing, but I think it was natural for me to have a period of mourning something I thought I'd have forever and it was a step in the right direction. I knew it had to be done to go forward, so I did it without overthinking it, just made it something that had to be done to get to a happy future.

[prettyinpearls]

Being in limbo is such a hard place. It's scary taking that next step to move the separation towards the path of divorce, but you know in your heart it's the best decision. A lot of us here have had 'lightbulb moments' where we just KNEW it was the right thing.

I had been physically separated from my XH for 4 months when I had that moment. It was at our son's 1st birthday party and when I arrived at 11am, he had a can of beer in his hand. It was on New Year's Day, so I knew he had been out partying the night before, and probably with the woman he was (denying) having an affair with. When he reached into his pocket to get something and I saw him pull out a hotel key-card, I knew that was it. I was done. I faked my way through the party because it was joint with both our families (talk about awkward) and I told him that night I wanted to file for divorce. I'll never forget his reaction; it was one simple word but it was completely filled with relief. Ok. That's what he said, ok. That was it. He was the one who wanted this separation/divorce ,yet he didn't lift a finger to actually DO anything about it. He waited until I was to that point and I made the first move.

Best decision I ever made.

[jojoandleo]

Maybe I am an outlier here, but I don't think there is any need to rush filing. You can take it at your own pace. I think going to personal counseling will help you deal with your feelings through this stage. File when YOU are ready. Be that tomorrow, next week, next month, or next year. It's not like filing will suddenly make you accept everything, or not filing will impair you. You are done, you know you are done, but that doesn't mean the legality of ending it isn't scary. Do what you need to do to feel comfortable and happy.

[1confused1]

I agree with jojoandleo I had to get to a place where I was comfortable filing and it wasn't right away. We separated on and off for 2 plus years and then one day, I just had it. It really was like ripping off a band aid, it hurt so much (I was a bawling mess after the paperwork was stamped) but it was the start I needed to work on my new life.

Good luck!

[Deleted]

Personally, I dragged my feet on actually filing because I was doing the paperwork myself too and it seemed overwhelming to read through everything. We were definitely splitting up, no question about that, but we were trying to figure out the logistical stuff like selling our house and I think I just didn't have the emotional energy to figure out the paperwork. I filed about 2 months after we decided to split up.

The catalyst for me was actually that he and I slept together once and I got pregnant I terminated the pregnancy, and I think my gut reaction to finding out I was dealing with that too was "OMG I need to move forward on this NOW so I can start putting all this behind me". I think I filed 3-4 days after I got a positive test.

Oh, and he also bought a new car that week (lol) so that was another push. I really didn't want to end up responsible for it! And I was afraid if I didn't file soon he'd do something else that could impact me financially.

Really, the paperwork was pretty simple and so much of what I printed out wasn't relevant, so I probably should have just sucked it up and done it sooner. There was really no point in waiting since I KNEW we were done and didn't have any interest in working things out.

[brooke77]

I have been separated for less time than you, but the thought of filing is difficult. It's over. It's been over for a long time, but filing makes it OVER. There are all these other aspects (paperwork, the house, changing my name) that I don't want to deal with just yet.

[cuddlyevil]

Aug 3, 2015 8:39:39 GMT -5 @rumpshaker said:

Aug 2, 2015 23:22:46 GMT -5 RamblingRose said:

How does it make you feel to think about living with him again?

Anxious and unhappy.

There's your answer.

At some point, you're going to have to stop taking his feelings into consideration. Your wants/needs should take precedence here. 


That's not to say it isn't hard or painful, it is. But limbo sucks way more. 

{{HUG}}

[redshoejune]

how would you feel if someone told you not to file or that you can't? Does that make you want to do it?

I think you should wait until you feel more ready. It's a permanent thing and a big deal.

It took me a while to get there even with lots of signs for years. It did take a catalyst to get to the decision (finding out he was cheating in addition to treating me like crap). Even after deciding to get divorced, it took me a week or two to tell him, and I didn't file for about 2 more months. Counseling helped me.

[tiffany81]

Ditto what everyone else has said. For me, once I filed, I felt a lot of relief. Prior to that I felt so stuck in emotional limbo. It was like ripping off a bandaid. I filed and left the court house and cried. But each day afterwards got easier.

[cuadrado]

There's no harm in waiting until you feel ready. It is a big decision. When my H and I separated, we went into it as a 'let's just see how this goes' sort of thing. But once I was actually living on my own, I was 100% sure I was done.

What makes you feel like you're not ready? Maybe some individual counseling will help you work through your thoughts. I really dragged my feet with separating because I didn't want to look back and wish I had tried harder. Individual counseling helped me move past this thought.

Another thing... my H didn't want to separate/divorce either and that was a huge factor in my hesitation to end things. But then I realized that all of the reasons he wanted to stay together really had nothing to do with him loving me and wanting to be with *me*. They more had to do with him not wanting to be alone and be responsible for himself. Realizing this put my mind at peace a little bit.

[Deleted]

I think there are some good points here

www.drphil.com/articles/article/213

I especially like this one:

Get out of denial
Ask yourself: Do you really want this marriage, or are you hanging onto it out of fear? If being alone is a scarier thought than staying in a broken marriage, you're letting fear make your decisions. Are you mourning the loss of what your marriage was, or what you thought marriage would be?

[ladyk]

For me, it was the separation that took forever to pull the trigger on. In my state you have to separated 366 days before you can file. So during those 366 days, I focused on me. What did I want? What kind of future did I see for myself?

To me, the fact that you feel anxious and unhappy (let me know if you want that DD) about living with him again is very telling. It took several months of me living on my own to get to the realization I did the right thing by separating and heading to divorce. About 5 months after he moved out, I was asked out on a date. When he asked if I wanted to eat then a brewery tour or the tour first, I had this crushing feeling in my chest. In that moment, I realized that I had lived with that same feeling EVERY DAY when I was married because of the abusive nature of my marriage. And I had been so focused on starting a new job and keeping my budget in tact that I had not even realized that crushing feeling was gone. In one moment, it came back and in that instant, I knew that even though I loved my XH and will until the end of time, we are not meant to be married.

I wish you peace.