Did you have an "a-ha" moment.....

[sparkles17]

...when you knew your marriage was over? My marriage sucked.......a lot. I was putting up with cheating along with verbal and emotional abuse, but I was a SAHM to 2u2 so who knows how long I would have actually put up with it.

So anyway, one night I was in the car with my Mom and I just spilled every thing to her. I had never told anyone before how bad things were. She and I discussed it and I was going to start getting a plan in place to leave. I had no income and my husband had just been fired, so yeah, things were pretty bad. I was thinking that getting everything in order was something that would take months and I was prepared to stay in my marriage like everything was honkey dorey.

That is, until my husband came home from the gym the next night. He walked in the door as I was cooking dinner and trying to handle 2 screaming babies and told me he was going to take a nap. I lost it! 7 years of taking his crap and I couldn't take it anymore. I told him right then and there that I wanted a divorce.

So, that was my total a-ha moment. In the words of Popeye "it was all I could standz and I couldn't standz no more".

[emma245]

Hmmm yes! Probably on Thanksgiving when I was cooking for him and his whole family. He left to go to a bar and didnt return. His whole family showed up and he was nowhere to be found. I was mortified and his mother had to call him to come home. Then after I had cooked all day he had the nerve to show up wasted then pass out before dinner.

Mind you, this was after months and months of emotional abuse and issues. But that moment I definitely knew I couldnt live like it anymore.

[doriswe]

Yup, XH had moved out to work on himself and I went on his FB and saw his friends list didn't add up (35 amount of friends, but the counter said 36). Called my brother who was still FB friends with him and the OW was the extra person. I realized that I was worth more than this and deserved to be with someone who wasn't a lying liar that lies. I demanded he file for divorce that day, well after calling him a few choice names.

[Bernadine]

Yes- he got drunk on my sister's 21st birthday and was a complete asshole in front of my entire family and at that point, I couldn't hide it anymore. I had been hiding things and covering for him for so long. I left that night and never went back.

[theycallmeliz]

The "this isn't working and we need to do something about it" moment was most certainly not an individual a-ha moment, but the "I'm outta here... now" moment was when I saw the nekkid pics the OW sent my X on his phone.

[ravenb1111]

Yea my ex sucked (wasn't married but we were together 6 years and lived together).. I did almost everything.. Cleaned.. Made sure all the bills were paid.. Kept track of the money..Went to school and worked on top of it.. 6 days a week.Not complaining because I enjoy a clean house and no overdraft fees but one night before I had to go to work, something wasn't done cooking and the oil always took so much time to get off if sat. I asked him to do no other dishes,but to do that one since by the time I got him it would have been sitting for 6 hours. I came home still not done, I flipped. Of course the issue was bigger then the pan but my god. It was for your food, not what i ate.. Then the next day I found out he relapsed and was using again so not questions.. A-ha I'm out of here

[prettyinpearls]

Mine may not seem like that big of a deal, but my a-ha moment came during my DS's 1st birthday party. I had spent quite a bit of time preparing for everything, including making cupcakes late the night before. Even though it was technically XH's holiday (NYE), he didn't take DS. He said that he'd just see him at his party the next day.

On New Year's Day (the day of DS's birthday party), I arrived to seeing XH with a familiar accessory in his right hand -- a gold can of Miller High Life (classy, huh?) Mind you, it was 11:30AM. XH told me he needed some hair of the dog from the night before. He had been out with friends, including his female co-worker he swore up and down he wasn't having an affair with (we had only been separated for 3 months at this point). At one point he was digging in his pockets for something and he pulled out a hotel key card. I've never seen anyone move so fast to put something back in their pocket before. It was that moment that I was done living in limbo.

It wasn't because of the drinking, or the other woman. It was because my XH never had any intentions on working on our marriage like he kept telling me he did. He was just waiting for me to get fed up enough to make the first move. That was all I needed to be done and never look back again. Later that night when I told XH on the phone that I wanted to file for divorce, his reponse was simply "Ok", with a big sigh of relief. I knew, without a doubt in my mind that I was 150% making the right decision.

[lovelybb]

I had been begging him for months to go to counseling to try to work on things and he kept stonewalling me, making me think it was my problem. One day at lunch, we were sitting at the kitchen and table and I was sobbing, literally choking... begging him to go to counseling and he just sat there.

It literally was a statement in my head that said, "Walk, you don't deserve to be with someone who would treat you this way." Or, "Stick a fork in my ass, because I am done!"

Best thing I ever did.

[achase123]

Yes, my husband had been acting horribly to me for months and was always MIA. His behavior was just awful but I never wanted to get into action and actually leave him because I was KU.

Finally I decided to stop being in denial and went through his truck. I found out he'd been doing drugs, he had been cheating (there were condoms in his truck), there was a computer with Craiglist casual encounters emails, and he had another cell phone I didn't know about. In that moment I should have been sad, but I felt immense relief instead because I knew exactly what I had to do and I could leave him without any doubts in my mind.

[heavenly]

Nope, not at all.

Therapy after our separation made me realize that he could never give me what I needed and I had denied that I had emotional needs the whole time.

Now that I am dealing with my own shit, the world is looking a lot brighter these days.

[katiecj]

When I stumbled on hundreds of emails from several women by accident. I was done.

Then he tried to lie and make excuses, so I continued my rampage, found and hacked into his pof account and found messages to another woman and told her he was available until 9pm the evening before. The evening before, I had brought our 1 year old son to my grandmother's funeral. He didn't come because he couldn't get off work.

I was so done at that point.

[BlueBayou]

Unfortunately I was one of those ladies that ended up with an abusive man. My moment when I realized I was done was when he tried to lock me in a room and tried to keep me from leaving. He tied a rope from one door to another to keep me from opening the door. Then when I tried to go out the window he came in to get the car keys from me and when I wouldn't give them up we wrestled on the bed and he pushed me off the bed between the wall and the bed. He then stomped on my chest and I never thought I'd get my air back. All in front of my 1 1/2 yr old. I was young and scared to move on my own but I did. I'll never be sorry for that, I'm one of the strongest persons I know because of it.

[explorer2001]

The moment he tried to rip the surgical drain out of my side and reopen my incision the day after I had surgery. He said he "came back to take care of me after my surgery" after 5 weeks of separation. I still can't tell you how I stopped him or managed to kick him out of the house right then, but I am alive because of it.

BlueBayou, hugs. You are incredibly strong and not alone.

Just a quick stat for you all, 89% of women never actually leave an abusive relationship. Only 11% actually leave, less than that survive the process of leaving. The process of leaving is the most dangerous time, from the moment she starts to plan until after everything is final with the courts and he stops trying to regain control. FWIW I now volunteer with a domestic violence shelter. It let's me help women who have been where I was.

[bowies]

I had a lot of little a-ha moments. There were so many points when I was done but I kept hoping that he'd snap out of his party-all-the-time behavior. I moved forward with formally severing ties with him in a slow, methodical manner, but I still gave him room to engage in the marriage again. He kept telling me he wanted to work on things and he made counseling appointments, but they were just excuses for him to lambast me for an hour while someone else watched. When he missed a session, the counselor gave me a come-to-Jesus talk that he was abusing me, and the next day I told him I wanted a divorce. He freaked out and I walked it back. Things were still really tense between us about a month later when my new landlord ran a credit check on me (standard procedure) and told me about something I hadn't disclosed in my application. My XH had taken a joint CC and maxed it out in a day (before we even separated). All cash withdrawals. I called him and told him I was divorcing him immediately and I had a lawyer before the end of the day. I didn't have to pay a single cent of that bill. Anger is a great motivator, LOL.

[turtle1120]

Yep. We weren't married but we were living together and I was pregnant. Our relationship was horrible. We were going to couples counseling and I was seeing a counselor on my own. Couples counseling did nothing because I could never get a word in. My own counselor asked if I thought my ex was verbally and emotionally abusive. I told her no. His big power trip after we found out I was pregnant was threatening to leave me so I would beg him to stay.

One night we had an argument and he called me a worthless piece of shit while I was pregnant with his baby. The next night we had another argument and he told me that no one would ever marry me. That was the final straw. I told him to get the fuck out immediately. After months of threatening to leave me, he said he didn't have anywhere to go. I had to threaten to call the cops to get him to leave, but he packed up him stuff and left that night.

Thank god for that counselor I was going to. I never would have gotten the strength or courage to kick his ass out otherwise. I was terrified of being a single mom. And even though it's not easy, it's a million times easier than my life would have been if I still had him dragging me down.

[BlueBayou]

Thank you for the kind words Explorer !!! I'm very proud of you . Feels good to have someone who went thru similar hardships. Ive only told a couple souls about details, and now I've told many here. Big hugs to you as well

[BookLover]

Yep. The relationship with my ex wasn't great, but it got worse when I found out the gender of the baby when I was pregnant. When I found out I was having a girl, the ex blamed me. It was all my fault it is a girl. From that day on, his temperament got worse, the abuse just blew up. It was hell from that day on. I was happy, my family was happy. He was a tyrant. I knew then, it wasn't going to work, but I couldn't leave then, I couldn't fly at that point in the pregnancy. I did leave when I got the safe chance with my baby and haven't looked back.

[roselis]

My a-ha moment was about a month after we had separated. XH had promised me that he would not hang out with the OW while we tried to work on our marriage. I was balancing the checkbook that day and saw that he had gone to the store near where he and the OW worked on a day he wasn't working (I had access to his work schedule so we could figure out custody of our then 2 month old son). I was curious about it because he had asked me to come pick him up for something we were doing that night because he was not comfortable driving his truck as the brakes were going bad. I decided to ask him about why he was out by work and he gave me a story about how he went for a drive. So I called him out on it (I could tell when he was lying) and he told me he had dinner with the OW and a friend. That day I knew I could not continue with this and I confronted him after he got off of work and made him choose. He told me he wanted a divorce. I cried when he did, but that day I knew I did the right thing.... even though I know it may not have been the best place.

[tdavid]

My "a-ha" moment occurred at our 2nd counseling session. XH sprung on me that he wasn't happy in any area of life and I convinced him to go to counseling. After the 1st session he claimed he "needed space" and moved out until the following week's session. I felt like I had 0 control over anything in my life and was waiting on his move to determine my future. It was the worst feeling.
At session 2- he claims "I'm not happy and don't think I ever will be. I am done. What is our next step?" The counselor said that this is generally when couples call lawyers. Sometime took over me and I spun around and screamed "You want to know what your next F-ing step is? You're going to get your #$%! out of my house!!"
I don't know where the strength came from.. but I know that I needed to take back control of my life. Almost one year later I have become so much more assertive (in a good way). I am not going to let someone else dictate what happens in my life. I have control over my life and it feels amazing.

[penelope]

My ex became addicted to prescription pain meds after 5 years and 2 children together. A friend of his came and told me that it was much worse than I could've ever thought, (sneaking out at 3:00 am to meet the person he was buying them from kind of things) and that evening we took my oldest to the circus. Ex-H passed out sitting there watching the circus! The next day I told him he had to find help, a treatment center of some sort, and an argument ensued. I was holding DS2, standing outside, and he threw a beer bottle at me. It missed and shattered off of the wall of the house. It could have hit my 9 month old son. As I stared at that glass on the ground I knew that was it. I didn't even pack bags, I packed both kids in the car and left that day.

[enormasass]

I will skip a bunch of details to try and keep this short...

December 2006. On New Years Eve we were invited to my friend's annual party that we always go to. He changed his plans at the last minute and went to his sister's party instead. I was pretty upset and depressed from how incredibly fucked up my marriage was and I decided to stay in that night. He asked me around dinner time what I was going to do and I told him that I was staying in. A couple of hours later, my friend called me and convinced me to go to her house. Another friend picked me up and I was determined to at least give myself a chance to enjoy myself.

XH texted me and told me that he knew I left and that I need to get home immediately. After some begging a friend took me home before midnight. XH wasn't even there anymore. I was going to try and quickly pack a bag and go back to the party when I got a text from XH that said "I know you are home. If you even think about leaving, Callie will be dead when you get home." Callie was my cat that I had since I was 10 years old.

He came in the door about 20 minutes later. A HUGE argument ensued and it ended with him pinning me to the bed, getting on top of me and straddling me, and taking one of the pillows and pushing it against my face in an attempt to suffocate me. I started kicking wildly and then he ran downstairs to the kitchen, got a knife and came back upstairs and just stood there for a second, breathing really heavy and then dropped the knife and went into the bathroom. I quietly went downstairs and was going to try and sneak out the back door and call 911. Luckily, one of the neighbors heard the fight and had already called the police who showed up at that moment.

I tried to cover for him. I told them that we were having an argument and that it was both of our fault. The officers told us that we needed to stay the night in different places. XH's parents lived up the street and my dad lived about 20 minutes away to go so the police told him that he would be the one to leave. They waited until he packed a bag and they followed him to his parents house. Before they left, one of the officers said to me "We can take him to his parents, but we can't keep him there. We will try to stall as long as we can while we are there. It will give you about 30 minute head start if you decided that you didn't want to stay here alone tonight." I totally picked up on what he was saying. As soon as they left, I grabbed my cat and some clothes and told my dad that I was on my way over.

The next morning I had the locks changed on the apartment. I also went to the court and got an ex-parte restraining order (issued in less than 12 hours) and then started the divorce.

So much for keeping it short...

[auntlili]

May 16, 2012 15:47:06 GMT -5 achase123 said:

Yes, my husband had been acting horribly to me for months and was always MIA. His behavior was just awful but I never wanted to get into action and actually leave him because I was KU.

Finally I decided to stop being in denial and went through his truck. I found out he'd been doing drugs, he had been cheating (there were condoms in his truck), there was a computer with Craiglist casual encounters emails, and he had another cell phone I didn't know about. In that moment I should have been sad, but I felt immense relief instead because I knew exactly what I had to do and I could leave him without any doubts in my mind.

This almost to a T! I wasn't pregnant and there was no craigslist (that I know of)

[liubotflittyfud]

May 16, 2012 20:06:13 GMT -5 explorer2001 said:

The moment he tried to rip the surgical drain out of my side and reopen my incision the day after I had surgery. He said he "came back to take care of me after my surgery" after 5 weeks of separation. I still can't tell you how I stopped him or managed to kick him out of the house right then, but I am alive because of it.

BlueBayou, hugs. You are incredibly strong and not alone.

Just a quick stat for you all, 89% of women never actually leave an abusive relationship. Only 11% actually leave, less than that survive the process of leaving. The process of leaving is the most dangerous time, from the moment she starts to plan until after everything is final with the courts and he stops trying to regain control. FWIW I now volunteer with a domestic violence shelter. It let's me help women who have been where I was.

True that. Just went through a physically abusive 10 month relationship. Kicked his ass to the curb, pressed charges, and put him in prison. It's a lot harder to do than you think it is, but something just clicks in your head.

Keep fighting.

[sparkles17]

May 17, 2012 15:02:16 GMT -5 @liubotflittyfud said:

May 16, 2012 20:06:13 GMT -5 explorer2001 said:

The moment he tried to rip the surgical drain out of my side and reopen my incision the day after I had surgery. He said he "came back to take care of me after my surgery" after 5 weeks of separation. I still can't tell you how I stopped him or managed to kick him out of the house right then, but I am alive because of it.

BlueBayou, hugs. You are incredibly strong and not alone.

Just a quick stat for you all, 89% of women never actually leave an abusive relationship. Only 11% actually leave, less than that survive the process of leaving. The process of leaving is the most dangerous time, from the moment she starts to plan until after everything is final with the courts and he stops trying to regain control. FWIW I now volunteer with a domestic violence shelter. It let's me help women who have been where I was.

True that. Just went through a physically abusive 10 month relationship. Kicked his ass to the curb, pressed charges, and put him in prison. It's a lot harder to do than you think it is, but something just clicks in your head.

Keep fighting.

Just for clarification, were you abused the entire 10mths or just the one time like you stated previously? And I must say, I am impressed by how quickly the justice system is where you live, it took me almost a month to get a restraining order and you already have your ex in prison. Impressive.

[BlueBayou]

May 17, 2012 13:04:39 GMT -5 enormasass said:

I will skip a bunch of details to try and keep this short...

December 2006. On New Years Eve we were invited to my friend's annual party that we always go to. He changed his plans at the last minute and went to his sister's party instead. I was pretty upset and depressed from how incredibly fucked up my marriage was and I decided to stay in that night. He asked me around dinner time what I was going to do and I told him that I was staying in. A couple of hours later, my friend called me and convinced me to go to her house. Another friend picked me up and I was determined to at least give myself a chance to enjoy myself.

XH texted me and told me that he knew I left and that I need to get home immediately. After some begging a friend took me home before midnight. XH wasn't even there anymore. I was going to try and quickly pack a bag and go back to the party when I got a text from XH that said "I know you are home. If you even think about leaving, Callie will be dead when you get home." Callie was my cat that I had since I was 10 years old.

He came in the door about 20 minutes later. A HUGE argument ensued and it ended with him pinning me to the bed, getting on top of me and straddling me, and taking one of the pillows and pushing it against my face in an attempt to suffocate me. I started kicking wildly and then he ran downstairs to the kitchen, got a knife and came back upstairs and just stood there for a second, breathing really heavy and then dropped the knife and went into the bathroom. I quietly went downstairs and was going to try and sneak out the back door and call 911. Luckily, one of the neighbors heard the fight and had already called the police who showed up at that moment.

I tried to cover for him. I told them that we were having an argument and that it was both of our fault. The officers told us that we needed to stay the night in different places. XH's parents lived up the street and my dad lived about 20 minutes away to go so the police told him that he would be the one to leave. They waited until he packed a bag and they followed him to his parents house. Before they left, one of the officers said to me "We can take him to his parents, but we can't keep him there. We will try to stall as long as we can while we are there. It will give you about 30 minute head start if you decided that you didn't want to stay here alone tonight." I totally picked up on what he was saying. As soon as they left, I grabbed my cat and some clothes and told my dad that I was on my way over.

The next morning I had the locks changed on the apartment. I also went to the court and got an ex-parte restraining order (issued in less than 12 hours) and then started the divorce.

*****? Was this the first time that had ever happened? Sounds scary too, way to go for not putting up with that. Can only imagine how the whole process of divorce must've gone....Bravo to you and your strength