XHs new relationship

[tiffany81]

So when XH wanted a divorce, he denied there being anyone else. I had suspicions that a "friend" was more than a friend. But there wasn't anything to be done at that point. He wanted out. We tried counseling for a year and all sorts of things. A few months after the divorce, he told me he was going to start dating (I posted here and got great advice then).

And now a year later, he actually pulled me aside yesterday when I went to get DS from him to tell me he's in a serious relationship. He wants to introduce her to DS. And it's the same girl who I basically thought was more 2 years ago. I didn't really react and didn't say much. But it hurts my heart for so many reason.

Does anyone have any advice or thoughts or words of encouragement? I want to tell him what a POS he is and how I knew it the whole damn time, or tell him what I think of his girlfriend. But I won't. It just hurts. Bad.

[cuddlyevil]

I am so sorry.

Unfortunately there really isn't a lot you can/should say to him. Vent here, talk to your therapist (if you've got one), cry with your friends. Just try to remember he's not your problem anymore. I know it hurts.

[Deleted]

A phrase I've learned that's been really helpful is "it just doesn't matter." It's really all in the past and you can only really focus on you moving forward. Them dating now doesn't really change any outcomes of the past. Good riddance to him and it's okay to be hurt or sad for a bit, but try not to focus on the timing of it all.

[prettipenny]

Aug 10, 2015 12:07:55 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

A phrase I've learned that's been really helpful is "it just doesn't matter." It's really all in the past and you can only really focus on you moving forward. Them dating now doesn't really change any outcomes of the past. Good riddance to him and it's okay to be hurt or sad for a bit, but try not to focus on the timing of it all.

This is so true.  When I split from my exH he denied that there was someone else but then he promptly moved in with this "friend". It sucked and I wasted too much time obsessing over it. One day I finally got to that point of "it just doesn't matter". What's done is done and focusing on the past wasn't going to help me.  It takes a while to get to that point and I am so sorry you are going through this.  

[calle28]

I'm sorry you're hurting right now.

I would advise against giving him a piece of your mind. At the end of the day, it really doesn't matter. But you know this already.

Hugs! Hang in there.

[tiffany81]

Thank you so much. It feels so good to vent here and to know that you all understand how it feels and what I'm going through.

You're right, it doesn't matter. It won't change anything. It just hurts to feel his lies again. I stopped going to therapy recently and feel like I may need to go again to refocus. I do not want to carry around pain from him. He's not worth it.

[jojoandleo]

My ex was a complete douche. homeboy was on adult friend finder and everything. BUT, I think what hurt me the most, was I KNEW he had a relationship going with this other girl. We actually met her at a concert we went to together. After the concert-"his friend needed him" and they went out, without me, with this girl and her friend. When I moved out, I found FRAMED boudoir photos of her. They were his Christmas gift from her.

I did confront him, and all he did was deny it and claim the relationship was brand new and started AFTER I broke up with him. I knew it was BS, he knew it was BS, but there was just no point in fighting about it. He would NEVER admit it. And even if he DID, so what? It wouldn't change anything. I will tell you, he turned around and did the exact same thing to her.

[pantsoffdanceoff]

I definitely think this is one of those situations where "it just doesn't matter". I could list a MILLION shitty things my EXH did, but really all it does is get me angry and what am I going to do with that? I think I've come to a very zen headspace where I just acknowledge that my EXH was a shitty person and husband.

[tiffany81]

pantsoffdanceoff - You're right. It just sucks thinking about how much f'ing time I wasted with such a shitty person. I'm glad you are in a zen headspace about it all now.

jojoandleo - thank you for sharing that. I'm sure if I confronted him, I'd get the same song and dance. I'm going to repeat that "it won't change anything" each time I want to send him a nasty text, or look, or anything.

[calle28]

Aug 10, 2015 15:29:40 GMT -5 tiffany81 said:

pantsoffdanceoff - You're right. It just sucks thinking about how much f'ing time I wasted with such a shitty person. I'm glad you are in a zen headspace about it all now.

jojoandleo - thank you for sharing that. I'm sure if I confronted him, I'd get the same song and dance. I'm going to repeat that "it won't change anything" each time I want to send him a nasty text, or look, or anything.

Also, don't give him another chance to lie to your face. You deserve better than that.

[Deleted]

I have to agree with the others. It's not worth it. It won't change anything. He is an asshole. He knows you know. You're the better person here, so hold your head high and don't stoop down to his level.
I'm sorry though--I know it sucks to have someone deny what you know to be true. Many of us have been there. I know I have. Hugs.

[glitzyglow]

Time will help heal, and a good pastime is to focus on things that make *you* feel good. Food, books, candles, walks, crafts, singing, movies...do the things that make you feel happy. I'm also a big fan of self-help type books, as often they help me recenter my focus and give me ideas on how to refocus my perspectives.

My exH turned out to be quite the astonishing liar and, after I moved away, he moved in with the OW (something he swore he would never do). The year after that was quite the roller coaster of emotions, but the more I put my own care first, the easier it seemed to lose thoughts about him. I honestly feel now that if I saw them together somewhere (or apart), it wouldn't ping in the way it would have in the past. There is a light at the end of the tunnel, I promise. Big hugs to you!

[tiffany81]

Thank you all so much!! I really appreciate every word each of you posted. You're right, don't let him have another chance to lie. I won't.

I think it just surprised me how much it hurt, when I otherwise thought I was doing great.

Thank you all again. (((Hugs)))

[redshoejune]

I'm sorry, I can understand how you feel. I lost it when I found out about my x's relationship and unfortunately I found out about it from my dd because he was too dumb to talk to me about it before introducing her to my kids. Honestly I didn't really ever get over it because as soon as I started feeling like I could be ok with it, they broke up the next day. Idiot.

I hope you feel better soon.

[abcdefu]

I'm sorry, but this is one of those things that sucks about divorce. As long as this woman is not a criminal or a risk to your son, then your ex is going to introduce your son to her, whether or not you object.

Feel free to vent here and I agree that you should discuss this with your therapist if you have one. ((hugs)) it will get easier over time.

[formerlyak]

My ex had an affair with a co-worker and denied it all (I had pretty substantial proof that he tried to explain away). He about a year later he told me that she was there for him as a friend in his time of need and now they are in a relationship. I said, "Isn't if so funny that you are now in a relationship with the girl I accused you of having an affair with?" He said, "When did you accuse me of having an affair? We mutually decided to divorce!" I mean, we went to marriage counseling to talk about the affair and this particular girl and everything and a year later he denied that even happened. My point is, even if you did say something, you aren't going to get the reaction you want (which is probably something where he says yes, I'm a douche for doing that to you, sorry).

What helped me is seeing how much he had changed. Seeing how he really wasn't the man I married. And I don't mean because he was a lying cheater - that's a given. But he's now like this 40+ man child who is trying to relive his 20s and basically does everything girlfriend says. He's like a little puppy with no balls to make his own choices anymore. And I wouldn't want to be with someone like that. And that is when I moved on.