Giving him the ultimatum?

[jojoandleo]

I think if you give him the letter and leave, it's just another way of avoiding this. You need to talk to him. Maybe give him the letter to read while you sit and wait to discuss it if you are afraid you can't say the words, but leaving seems bad. Like, he can just continue to ignore it, if he wants. Or gives him time to build his argument or become resentful. You all need to sit down and hash it out. Even if you give him the letter rather than saying it out loud.

[Deleted]

I'm not sure what your relationship issues are, but being upfront about your feelings is necessary. 

[cuddlyevil]

I know it's scary now, but once you tell him you will feel better.

[glitzyglow]

I think if he is the type of person that will need a "cool down" period or would lose his temper, I think it would be okay to give him the letter and then revisit it when you feel like he wouldn't be volatile.

I do want to point out your line:

"I offer once more that I am willing to do counseling, but if you are not willing, we need to consider separating."

Do you want to separate if he won't do counseling? Because in that line you are saying he if he isn't willing to go to therapy, then there is an option to consider separating and you go back to "we" in that offer. I don't know what situation brought you here, but I know from my own experience that there is a point in which you need to put yourself first and often times I was much too considerate toward the "we" that he wasn't concerned about at all when I should have been focusing on myself. If he isn't willing to go to counseling, are you going to leave the marriage?

[winecat]

Aug 12, 2015 16:50:08 GMT -5 leolionfish said:

jojoandleo, that's what my gut feeling was. I just need to find the strength to do it face to face.

I thought there was one issue that was a deal breaker?  Do you really want to go to counseling with him?  Big hugs....

[cuddlyevil]

Aug 12, 2015 16:50:08 GMT -5 leolionfish said:

jojoandleo, that's what my gut feeling was. I just need to find the strength to do it face to face.

Are you in individual therapy? It helped me get the courage to make the decision to leave but also helped me get the nerve to say it to his face.

[fluffernutter]

Whether you tell him now or later, the issues WILL surface. Better to not waste any more time stressing over the "what ifs."

[winecat]

Aug 13, 2015 11:40:29 GMT -5 leolionfish said:

Aug 12, 2015 23:37:34 GMT -5 winecat said:

I thought there was one issue that was a deal breaker?  Do you really want to go to counseling with him?  Big hugs....

Yes, and addressed it in the letter.  I'm offering counseling once more just so that I feel like I've done everything I can.

Gotcha.  It sounds like you've been doing everything you can do.  If there's anything I can do, please let me know.  

[mcsangel2]

"I offer once more that I am willing to do counseling, but if you are not willing, we need to consider separating."

You need to be more firm in what you are telling him. Your wording is a little passive. Something like "I am offering one last time to go to counseling together, but if you are not willing, I am leaving you" is more direct.

[winecat]

I know it's fucking scary but I know you are so strong and can do it. You've beat bigger opponents. It will suck in the short term but the process here is quick. A year from now, you'll be in a new and stronger place. Big hugs.