Anyone's DHs work nights?

[nextbigthing]

I work a typical schedule, usually like 7:30-5 m-f and I travel maybe 4x a year for 2-3 days.

DH just got an awesome job offer with a really really good company that tons of people would love to work for (he's in IT). But, it's a 4 day a week (saturday-Tuesday from 6:30pm to 5:00am). He works a traditional schedule now but hates his job.

He says he's totally good with overnight. I don't think I care either way, we knew this was a possibility and it wouldn't be forever.

Am I missing any big reason here why this would suck?

[kdubs923]

There are definitely cons - Um, it cuts down on family time or couple time together. And of course, you're flying solo for dinner/bath/bed and overnights with kid(s) which can be rough. Also, if the kiddo is sick and can't go to daycare, you probably can't leave them with your DH because he'll need to sleep. Also, depending if he goes right to bed when he gets home each day, you'll be solo getting ready & out of the house. Also all daycare drop offs/pick ups would likely fall to you.

But in my experience, it's not all that terrible. DH does 2-3 overnights each week (24s). I don't mind it terribly because I did 99% of MOTN stuff anyways. If he's working and not home for dinner, it's a grilled cheese/leftover/cereal/pbj type of night. I complain a bit about the solo parenting, but honestly, as an introvert I enjoy the nights he works. Ice cream for dinner (for me, not DS, lol), catch up on my DVR shows and then starfish the bed!

[geek96]

We do it and it sucks but it's worth it financially for us. I work 8:30-4:30 and DH works 3-11. The short overlap between the two we have my aunt care for DS. It wasn't as difficult we DS was a young infant because I cuddled and played with him after work. The difficult part came when I had to cook and clean all while entertaining DS myself. It is very isolating and that's my biggest complaint.

Not sure what we are going to do now that we have two kids. He is trying to go back to day shift.

[Saudade]

DH works 1900-0730 Thursday-Saturday. Add two before and two after for commute.

This is his new job. The past 5 years he was working nights at his old job. It's really just our normal.

I make my own schedule so I either pick up on his days off or arrange care outside of daycare hours with my parents.

We work in healthcare and went into it as a second career so we knew what we were getting ourselves into, even if it sucks.

The worst part is allowing DH to sleep on the days when the kids are home. Otherwise, the kids and I just do our own thing and KOKO.

[arch01]

I agree with geek96, it can be isolating. I don't see DH from the time I go to bed Sunday evening til I get home from work Friday. The evenings can be long when DS is being difficult. It's also tough now that he's into "helping" with everything to get stuff done.

That being said, it's great for me and my need for alone time. I also get good 1 on 1 time with DS.

[cincodemayo]

My DH works 11P - 7A Sunday-Thursday nights. He picks up double shifts once a week so he is gone 3P-7A.

I don't love it, but it is OK. When DS was an infant sometimes overnights were very hard on me because I had no one to help. Other than that, sick days for the kid default to me unless it's the 2nd or 3rd day because he needs to sleep some when he gets home. Sunday morning/afternoon he is sleeping so I'm always on my own, which works for us, but sometimes gets bothersome because I feel like it's supposed to be family time.

[redheadk]

DH did but it was before we had kids. I will say that it was a game changer professionally for him. He had a lot more room to take on more responsibilities and learn more at night than during the day which allowed him to cut years off of his career progression. It wasn't my favorite but it was worth it. I would not be okay with doing it indefinitely but as part of a career path for a year or two, yes.

[missbella]

DH works 2pm-midnight (with frequent overtime to 3am)Thursday-Sunday. I SAH. My Dad worked over nights most of my life. The parts that I think suck:

-when I was working m-f we never has a whole day off together. We couldn't go away for the weekend or go on a daytrip

-I do all bedtimes, MOTN, wake ups, morning routine. Everyday always.

- Since I do all of the above I go to bed early so DH and I only have a couple hours together a couple days a week. Seriously like 4. (He goes out one night a week)

- he has to miss a lot of family and social events or he has to take a vacation day to attend them

-he won't be able to switch back to a normal schedule on his off days 

- it might not be easy to get on a day shift down the road.

That being said, with DS being so young and me SAH it works for us for now. He took this job because it has set hours and awesome benefits. The hope is that by the time DS is in school that he will get a day shift but you have to take a night shift to get in the door. The problem is you have to hope someone retires or leaves and it is based on seniority so we will see. 

[cincodemayo]

Oh yeah, ditto PP, I got used to doing family things solo because DH would be at work on weekends before he switched to Sun-Thurs schedule.

[nextbigthing]

Aug 12, 2015 19:48:00 GMT -5 oceanspray said:

Is that permanent or can he go on daylight eventually?

H used to work 11-8 and it sucked with a newborn. Agree with @this that it would take a lot of money to go through that again.

I think specialk has opposite schedules?

thank you for the responses!

This would not be permanent. He will be able to switch, it's just such a great opportunity with a big time company so he wants to get in any way he can. So 8f things go well, he hopes to move up and into days. It's a 24/7/365 operation.

Fortunately DS is only 5 months and he sttn so I'm not worried about that, and I figure he could switch scheduleS before DS got older.



Eta: if daycare was closed or DS was sick, it's easy for me to work at home and my parentS live nearby as backup

[glitzy07]

I would be willing to do it temporarily, but I'm also currently in a position where we don't have any days off together ever because of H's work schedule.

He's considering a new job that would have an option for time and a quarter if you work four 10 hour shifts (Mon-Thurs 2pm-midnight). It would definitely not be ideal, but then we'd have weekends off together which we've never had, so it'd be a trade-off. Eventually he could go to Mon-Fri 7:30-4.

[ECB]

If it's not permanent, I'd tell him to go for it.

DH actually works 2 weeks on/ 2 off and his actual shift is the overnight shift. But if there is no work (no ships going in or out), he can come home during those 2 weeks and often does. Like even last night, he was home by 4, made dinner, was here for bedtime, etc. Got called in about 2 am. So he wasn't here this morning and wasn't home tonight at all. ANd probalby won't be tomorrow.

Just laying that out to show that it's a weird schedule and we really never know until the last minute.

BUT it's do-able. And he's happy. Which means a LOT.

And as your baby is so young, have him do the crappy hours now so that hopefully by the time he's in school, hopefully your DH will have a more normal schedule and can be around more in the afternoon/evening.

ALL that being said- your DH is going to have to make some adjustments to his life. Like being careful about when he drinks caffeine, sayingi "no" to stuff that he may want to do but if it screws with his sleep- he'll have to learn to say "no", etc. It's hard to totally adjust your sleep schedule! And if he keeps normal hours on his days off (which DH does), it can be hard flipping back and forth.

[sunshine608]

Mine does at least two weeks a month. I agree with the isolating part and it can be hard to find family time. Working nights and weekends would not be my choice. I also agree that the hardest part is trying to keep the kids quiet so he can sleep. We fail so often and I feel guilty. I also hate that sometimes it's hard to get time to talk and just unwind. Other than those drawbacks it works for H. He's such a night person he prefers nights to a normal schedule.

[Deleted]

I cannot imagine this. If we had no other options, ok. But otherwise, I just don't think I could do it. I work full time from 7 to 330 and as it is its hard for me when H gets home late and I'm on my own for bedtime. I already do dinner and clean up by myself every night. I can't imagine doing all through bedtime with 3 young kids every single day all night long on my own. I'm exhausted by the time I finish work but knowing H will be home to help at least get all 3 kids down for the night keeps me pushing through.

I will say if my kids were older or not so close in age I do think it would be easier to deal with this. But right now it's still really, really hard to single parent through the evening.

[cajunmom]

DH worked over nights for over a year. It was supposed to be temporary (3-4 months) but when the year mark passed with no end in sight he found another job.

Anyway, he went to overnights (7p-7a) the same week we found out we were PG with #2. Let me just say, it was a good thing we got pg our first cycle TTC because otherwise it would have been very hard to have sex at the correct times and it probably wouldn't have happened that year. We had a 3 year old as well, and it was very hard being home with her when he was trying to sleep on the weekends so I always had to leave the house with her. I worked 7-3:30, he got home at 7:30-8, slept until 3:30-4, I would get DD from daycare and get home around 4:30, we usually were able to have dinner together before he had to leave at 6:15, and I would handle bath/bedtime.

It was very hard. Not to be dramatic but I felt like I went through that entire pregnancy by myself.

[Deleted]

My h works evenings from 3-midnight usually. It is hard as pps mentioned and cuts down on our family time. I have the full time help of my parents though. It may be harder to switch to a day shift later. At my h's job, schedules go by seniority and everyone has been there for years and years so he is at the bottom of the barrel.

Some benefits: He works at a great big company with amazing benefits (hello, pension). He can take dd to storytime and play and learn with all the sahms and sahds. He can pursue his part-time business during normal hours. We could get by just a nanny for a few hours a few days a week due to our differing schedules.

[heygrey]

given that you have a flexible work environment and family help near by, i don't think it would be too bad, especially for the short term. i'm guessing that if it's a company "everyone would love to work for" it would look good on his resume if he started job searching because he hated overnights and there wasn't an opportunity to move to days.

h works 2 weeks on days (7a-3:30p), then 2 weeks on afternoons (3:30p-midnight). he has occasionally worked graveyards (midnight-7a), but not recently.

all of our cons are related to afternoon shifts. he doesn't get enough sleep, we miss out on family time, i have to do evenings alone, i miss out on evening activities because i can't afford a babysitter on a whim. we were also trying to save money on daycare by only paying a babysitter for the hours we overlapped at work, but it was slowly killing h. he just wasn't getting enough sleep. so i'm changing careers to make more money to put R in full time daycare. h will drop him off those mornings, but he'll be able to come home and sleep more. (i didn't like my job and wanted to change, but this was a strong catalyst to do it now vs. next year.)

so it's not my favourite and i wouldn't jump at the chance if we had other solid options, but the pros do win for us. h works at an awesome company, he's moving up quickly, it has great benefits, etc., etc. it really is worth the temporary sacrifices we have to make. and while i hate adding stress to the toddler years, i'd rather do it now and set ourselves up to have a better balance between family and career when our kid(s) are in school and older.

eta: we have no family help. closest relative is 8 hours away. we pay for all childcare. that's another huge downside in our situation.

[cinco]

DH worked 8pm-6am for about 6 years. He moved to 3pm-1am once we had our third, and just this past year switched to an alternating schedule (last night he went in at 2am, but that is not the norm).

Temporarily (2 years or less), I would say midnight are doable. It worked okay when we were both working, but with conflicting schedules we didn't get to see each other much. When I stayed home after having number 2 the stressful part was keeping the kids quiet during the day. DH had a eye mask, sound machine, and black out shades which are helpful. Also, it would suck when we had holidays and he would spend half of them napping.

Long term, I feel it should be mentioned it was not good for his health. Your body rhythm is totally off sleeping during the day. He wasn't getting quality sleep, he gained a little weight, he was sick more often and had issues with triglycerides. When he moved to evenings it got better, and now that he usually works days or 12pm-10pm, he is healthier and happier. We have the medical tests to prove it

DH's current position is technically a step up, but with out midnight differential, holiday pay, and less overtime, we have less money coming in this year. It is 100% worth it to have him on a more normal schedule and off Saturdays and holidays. I feel like now that my kids are older (8,7, 3) it is more important for them to have this time with DH. Midnights/weekends worked okay when the kids were babies to preschoolers, but now that they are in school we desired a more normal schedule. If this is a temporary deal, I would say do it now vs. later.

Good luck making a decision. You 'll figure out your new normal either way.

[Deleted]

If it's not permanent and just a way to get his foot in the door, I'd probably be ok trying it out. But, since it's a 24/7/365 operation, I'd be worried about him always working weekends and holidays. My DH has always worked Saturdays and until we had a kid I loved it. Now i hate it, but luckily with his new job he's been able to take a couple off a month.

[specialk]

I'm a little late to the game. DH worked midnights when we first had our baby, which was a bit rough as he basically worked all night and slept all day. Now, he works evenings and gets home around midnights. It's nice because he can watch the baby in the morning. Honestly, I don't love having opposite schedules because it's difficult to spend time together (even more so now than when he was on straight midnights) but it's tolerable, especially if you have a goal in sight.

I have to say that it is a big consideration in whether to have another child or not as I think it will be much harder to do dinner, bath and bed time alone every day when I am outnumbered.

[mlvmd]

DH does, right now it is 1940-0400. It varies from time to time. He works Tues through Sat night. It sucks because I have non-sleeping children so I do all MOTN. Also, because he works Fri and Sat night he generally sleeps most of Sat and Sun during the day. I get very little downtime.

However, it means I rarely do school/daycare pickup and drop off. He also handles most sick/snow days. I also can start work at 7am without worrying about finding care starting at 6:30am.

The upside is that I (when my children sometimes sleep) love sleeping alone and having nights to myself to watch stupid television. Other than child watching I don't feel isolated at all.

[mswax]

I could handle the overnights, but it's looks like he will be working every weekend, and that SUCKS. So not only will you not have family time together during the week (except for a few lone evenings), but you won't get it on the weekends either. To me, that would be a deal breaker.

[osulori]

I work a consistent 730a-6p Tues through Friday, and my husband works until anywhere from 930a-1a depending on when he goes in (he's a restaurant manager so he either opens and goes in at 10a or closes and goes in at 1p) with fluctuating days off but he usually works at least one weekend day (usually both). I won't lie, it sucks. On the days he does have off, he's exhausted because he works 55-65 hours/week and doesn't feel like anyone gets the best of him whether its AJ, me, or work. And he misses so many "fun" things that AJ and I do on the weekends-going to the splash pad, out for ice cream and to the park, going to the zoo, etc. If he doesn't know about something far enough in advance to make sure he's off that day (4ish weeks)then chances are he's working. I can deal with doing the nighttime routine 5 nights a week, but the weekends are really tough. Thankfully my parents are in town and are a big help.

I think the fact that his days off are together will really help though-in our case it's only two days and they're not usually back to back. Plus I think you said its not forever, and the eventual shift to more "regular" hours would likely help make the temporary working nights more tolerable. In our case, there's no end in sight unless J gets out of the restaurant management business so that's what he's looking at doing right now. I feel like it's one of those things that you adjust to, but it still sucks.

[catsarecute]

My DH works nights for about a month every year. I am glad it isn't more. He is actually starting a night shift tonight and it will be our first since DD arrived. I'm not looking forward to doing all parenting and household stuff on my own but it is a short time period.

I think once you get into a routine, it works itself out but I'm someone that needs to have another adult to interact with so the lack of time spent with him during those periods is really really hard on me.

[nextbigthing]

Aug 13, 2015 11:34:38 GMT -5 mlvmd said:

DH does, right now it is 1940-0400. It varies from time to time. He works Tues through Sat night. It sucks because I have non-sleeping children so I do all MOTN. Also, because he works Fri and Sat night he generally sleeps most of Sat and Sun during the day. I get very little downtime.

However, it means I rarely do school/daycare pickup and drop off. He also handles most sick/snow days. I also can start work at 7am without worrying about finding care starting at 6:30am.

The upside is that I (when my children sometimes sleep) love sleeping alone and having nights to myself to watch stupid television. Other than child watching I don't feel isolated at all.

I have a question on this. How does your husband handle sleep on his days off? Does he still sleep all day? I'm trying to wrap my head around it.

Thanks!!!

[mlvmd]

Aug 14, 2015 21:11:00 GMT -5 nextbigthing said:

Aug 13, 2015 11:34:38 GMT -5 mlvmd said:

DH does, right now it is 1940-0400. It varies from time to time. He works Tues through Sat night. It sucks because I have non-sleeping children so I do all MOTN. Also, because he works Fri and Sat night he generally sleeps most of Sat and Sun during the day. I get very little downtime.

However, it means I rarely do school/daycare pickup and drop off. He also handles most sick/snow days. I also can start work at 7am without worrying about finding care starting at 6:30am.

The upside is that I (when my children sometimes sleep) love sleeping alone and having nights to myself to watch stupid television. Other than child watching I don't feel isolated at all.

I have a question on this. How does your husband handle sleep on his days off? Does he still sleep all day? I'm trying to wrap my head around it.

Thanks!!!

He will come home on Sunday morning and sleep until around 11am. Then he sleeps on Sunday night. He has Monday to himself (kids at school) and I think he often naps. He then sleeps Monday night and takes a long nap on Tuesday until he goes back to work on Tuesday night.

[auntie]

It can be physically challenging for some people. For others, not so much. IME, men sometimes do better at this than women do.

Sleep can be a real issue, almost no one is able to crash immediately upon getting home, so sleep tends to shift to a nap around noonish and another just before heading to work which is when you might want to see him. Chronic sleep deficits can impact his mood and his health. he probably won't be able to follow a normal schedule on his days off.

[NandaB]

We did this when #1 was an infant and I would never ever do it again. It totally fucks with your internal clock, and he was sad because he never saw the baby, and if he did it screwed him up even more. He would come home as we were getting up, spend an hour or so with us and then sleep until afternoon when he had to wake up and eat and go into work. He had Friday and sat off, but he spent Friday trying to catch up on sleep, and would have to take a nap Sunday midday so he could be up all night. It did not work for us at all and I would never want to be totally responsible for all kid stuffs all the time.

[KaraOrNot]

H works 10pm to 6am and has an hour commute. It has been like this forever and while I am used to it, I hate it.

We very rarely see each other on work days. A few minutes in the morning and maybe an hour or two at night, but most of that is taken up by him getting ready for work.

I am responsible for every work night bedtime, every middle of the night wake up, and getting him up in the morning.

It also messes with weekend time. H has a hard time acclimating to a typical schedule on his days off.

He has a harder time going to daytime events and appointments, both for him and Ollie. I am not sure what we will do when he is in school and there are events/meetings.

We are likely stuck with it for the long haul, due to the way H's company works and as he gets higher up, there are fewer opportunities to switch shifts. While we make it work now, we both struggle with it. I don't think that we would choose it again if we could do it over.