OK, so:

[eightangryreindeer]

Nigel is giving me terrible anxiety about being out of work. Like I don't have it already. Things he has mentioned:
1. Moving into my parent's basement
2. Selling our house
3. Taking in a tenant to rent our spare room

His negativity about the entire situation is making me feel like:
1. He expects me to fail
2. He wants me to fail (wtf?)
3. I have no support in this marriage in terms of "significant life events"

He keeps asking me to "do our budget" - our budget is DONE, our expenses are ON IT. I don't know yet what my unemployment will be. I need to look at the COBRA offer and see if it will be more or less $$ than his insurance (I thought he'd done that, but no).

Everything he asks me about looking for jobs is couched in negative language, I feel like I am being hounded, like he won't leave me alone. Always complaining. 'What if I lose my job? We're fucked.' (there is no real threat to him losing his job, fwiw, no more than any other Joe is threatened with job loss).

He makes enough money to support us without going into the red, yes our savings is going to take a hit, but we can survive for a long while without having to entertain questions like, "should we rent out a room", but then I cannot let go of THAT STUPID LOAN, which I can't even mention, because he becomes enraged and irrational about it and "IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ME." That loan is a year's salary for me and now I can't stop thinking about it every time he is in my face about how he is going to get an ulcer from all this.

I really cannot take the glass half empty anymore.
We've had sex once in a year and are now sleeping in separate rooms going on about two weeks because he can't sleep in our room.
He was moaning this morning about how Gene likes to rough and tumble with his area rug (that he got in India - it's a good rug, but it's not like invaluable or anything and the cat's not destroying it) and he's like, "what are you going to do about Gene messing up my rug." I nearly killed him right then and there.

Everything is negative, a complaint, the "royal we", we can't put our fucking house on the market because we still haven't done the work that has been sitting there for five years that is now becoming scary-bad. He has done NOTHING to assist with getting estimates, nothing.

I am getting a lot of nothing positive from this anymore. It's draining me. I'm nearly having a panic attack about having to speak to him tonight, or sorry, be interrogated by him tonight.

I WANT TO TAKE A FUCKING MONTH OFF AND REGROUP, THIS IS WHAT EVERY "NORMAL" PERSON I TALK TO SAYS TO ME.

[Bernadine]

Ugh, I'm so sorry. I can't remember- have you seen a counselor? It's my go-to recommendation now. Mine helped me more than I would have ever thought.

I wish I was in my house, so you could come down and get away.

[dcannie]

i'm so sorry.
:beer: :drink: :beer: :drink:

[eightangryreindeer]

Oh and this is all on top of some epic fuckery that took place in the summer of 2011 that I am not sharing here.

[hubes]

I'm so sorry. I don't really have anything else to say. I'm sure you'll come through this with flying colors, because you are LTP and you are amazing. But it sounds stressful as hell.

[Deleted]

I'm not sure that anything that I could say would be of any help but I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this negativity. My H sometimes gets like this. Sorry things suck right now.

[melodramatic26]

it sounds like you need a month off to regroup from everything, including Nigel. I don't know how you would do that logistically, but... ugh.

it really sucks that you've made this big move that's going to be better for you and now that that 1/2 of your life is improving, this 1/2 is worsening. I'm sorry.

[pirate]

Geez, that sucks, I'm so sorry.

Could some of this month off that you want, be spent someplace else other than your house? Get away from him for a few days?

[lightbulbsun]

Ugh, I'm so sorry. It's rough enough to worry about it yourself without having any support.

Have you tried talking to him when he's not in the middle of talking about it? Maybe seeing a counsellor will help?

(((LTP)))

[alzi]

You can come hide out in my guest room and float in my pool if you need a break...

I'm sorry things are so shitty right now:(

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry, have you seen a counselor?

[hubes]

Oh- and fuck the whole "don't bring up the loan." My DH did that, and you'll bet that neither he, nor his brother will ever forget his generosity. I won't let them.

[fuckyourcouch]

I don't really have anything to offer advice wise, but I'm really sorry he's being like that, and you feel this way. Would he reasonably react to you presenting him with an outline of how you feel, like you did here? Or is that pointless?

[jaylea]

Ugggh.

I am sorry. That's rough. I don't have much in the way of advice, but I can see how it would be very tough. When you're stressed about losing your job, the last thing you need is the pile on from a spouse.

[eightangryreindeer]

May 16, 2012 15:27:44 GMT -5 Lucy Honeychurch said:

Look FUCK NIGEL. Doesn't he make you keep your finances separate? I seem to remember that from somewhere. And didn't he once give a SHITLOAD of money to his brother without consulting you?

His attitude about this is dickish in the extreme.

I vote separation. LEGAL separation. See what's what. And get a shitload of spousal support.

YES, the loan, I mentioned it!! It's like the cherry on my shit sundae.

[sprky79]

I think a field trip to Chicago is in order. Fried Cheese, the IL ladies, and a lot of alcohol might help you feel more relaxed.

You will figure out a way to deal with Nigel, even if that way is to kill him.

[MWOS]

I'm angry on your behalf. This is some total bullshit.

You can come stay at my apartment. You don't have to do shit around there because I don't do shit around there.

[scotty]

I ask myself weird questions when things are not going well like, and, bear with me, you know I get abstract/odd:

How would I feel if he said he wanted to leave me. How would I feel if he passed away/was injured seriously. How would I feel if I hadn't seen him in five years? Ten? Never again?

What are the positives about him, if any.

Is he open to a break? Is he open to staying married but doing your own thing while you sort shit out and then come together and see how things are when things are better on your end? Or is the fact that he's being a doucher instead of supportive ruining the possibility of taking a break and reconnecting?

Whatever you do, more power to you, and I wish you happiness. Marriage can be a son of a gun, and it's amazing how people change when the chips are down.

[looseseal]

I'm so sorry things are rough. I don't know you well enough to know whether you feel that things warrant strong action or just a vent, but I do hope things get better for you soon.

[eightangryreindeer]

I just.
I would like a hug. I would like someone to say, "we'll be okay for a while, and I want you to get something that is going to be a good fit for you and something that you love."

Isn't that what is supposed to happen, even if he is getting a fucking ulcer? "Don't worry, honey, you'll find something great soon enough and in the meantime we'll be okay."

Am I asking to win the fucking lottery here?

If he lost his job I would NEVER be making it WORSE for him by just increasing our mutual level of anxiety.

DRAMA KING!

[montereybride]

I'm so sorry, LTP.



I agree with Lucy. 100%

[edithbouvierbeale]

omg- I was just asking after you- Im so sorry he can't be supportive when you need him to be- this is fucked.

do you see yourself recovering emotionally when you find new work, and stabilize?
I would be overwhelmed with resentment...

you're GOING TO BE BETTER THAN FINE. and it'll probably happen sooner than you think.

[Kit]

I have nothing constructive to offer, but I'm sorry he's being a douche.

[angelaa73]

((((hugs)))))

[janiejones]

You know what you should do this summer?
Move to Canada, and live in my house rent-free while I am in France.

[hubes]

I just keep getting more and more mad for you. You deserve all of those things. You just got yourself out of a shiity situation and you deserve some happiness. You deserve to compress and find yourself. That's what happens when you work hard and save money and plan for a rainy day. It's there when it rains. And its fucking pouring now.

When you are done with sprky and Mary, I suggest you head west to Iowa. You can hang out in the quiet, pretend you are at the beach, drink all day, pet cows and live on a ridiculously low amount of money. And we go to county fairs almost every weekend. It's great.

[Mrs.Beagle]

I'm angry for you. I wish I knew what to say to help you, but it's pretty much been said.

You need and deserve a partner, not someone who orders you around and makes everything your fault.

I want to junk punch him for you.

It sounds like you need a drink.

[gozf]

I am so, so sorry. I love you, and I'm here for you, and I'm only an hour away. Just give me enough notice to clean up the sty that is my abode. So, like, 45 minutes or so.

[Vally]

I'm sorry he's stressing you, that's not cool. I was thinking the loan was the thing that shall not be named but since it isn't then DAMN he has some nerve.

e-hug.

[scotty]

Scotty hug.

Smells like apricot and pit sweat but it's real love, man.