Bad day - took one lorazepam. :(

[sigir]

My son had ear tubes put in today.  All went well, but my dh is an asshole that I would break up with if we were dating (not too get into too much detail, but he has a hard time being as nice to my dd from my previous marriage as he is to our kids together, and since we did not live together I did not see it before we married.  And he did it again today when he was leaving for work).  Back to my son, he is always sick and we are getting his immune system checked out.  But I have such guilt.  I should feel good that the ear tubes went well and that this is a step to getting him better, but I feel like, why is he so sickly?  Is it something I did- because I was old when I had him, because I took nicotene replacement when I nursed him, etc.  then I feel guilt that my dd is in this situation with my dh.  He says he is trying but I don't see it.  I am falling out of love w him.  There is a lot of good about him, but his inability to just be nice is really bothersome.  I can look at this objectively and not emotionally.  I don't want to be divorced again with young children so I guess I just have to figure out how to deal with it and make sure it does not affect my dd too much.  No one has a perfect parent, right?

I felt so keyed up a took a lorazepam.  It was too hard to sit with the bad feelings.  I guess this is a backslide, but previously I would have drank all morning.  I guess that is an improvement.  Progress not perfection, right?

Just had to get it out.  

[flex]

If the Lorazepam prescribed to you why would this be a backslide?

[sigir]

My new psych told me not to take it bc it's bad for addicts. My old crazy psych prescribed it bc he said "better to be addicted to this than alcohol!"

[flex]

Aug 14, 2015 13:17:53 GMT -5 sigir said:

My new psych told me not to take it bc it's bad for addicts. My old crazy psych prescribed it bc he said "better to be addicted to this than alcohol!"

Is your new psych of sound mind and not crazy like your old one?


And if your new psych told you not to take it, then why do you still have it?

[sigir]

Rainy day save! I know it's wrong. Yes, new psych is awesome, thank god. I only was with the other one for two visits bc he was awful.

[flex]

Aug 14, 2015 14:03:49 GMT -5 sigir said:

Rainy day save! I know it's wrong. Yes, new psych is awesome, thank god. I only was with the other one for two visits bc he was awful.

I would talk to your new pysch and ask him/her for a more "addict-friendly" anxiety medication.

That and turn in your current medication to him.   (rose)

[sigir]

Nevermind, I feel worse after post ng here.

[malibu]

Why would you feel worse? flex is right. If your new psych, whom you presumably trust based on the labels between the two says it's not a good med for an addict, I would trust him/her and see if there's something else you can take. Are you normally on an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety medication? Perhaps you need a dosage change if it's not cutting it.


I highly doubt anything about your son being ill (I'm sorry about that, that has to suck) has much, if anything, to do with any of the factors you mentioned. I hope you can work through that with your psych. Some kids are just more ill than others - my parents had to pull my brother out of preschool when he was a kid because he was ALWAYS SICK. Like, always.

Honestly, I'm more concerned about how you say your H treats your DD. You shouldn't (nor should she) have to 'figure out' how to live with someone who treats your her poorly, and she shouldn't have to be in the situation. Is there a reason he treats her poorly? I would assume not physical abuse, but verbal, perhaps? It's very unfair of him to treat her differently/badly simply because she isn't his biological child, if that is the reason. She came with you as a package deal that he knew ahead of time, and despite saying he has many good things about him, this is a pretty major mark against him. Would he be willing to talk to someone to work through whatever feelings he's having that he is seemingly taking out on his stepdaughter?

Trust me when I say I'm absolutely not trying to make things worse for you or make you feel worse. I do hope you think about some of the questions I asked - while raising two small children alone is a daunting and scary thought, do you want your daughter to be raised (or partially raised, I don't know the specifics if her father is in the picture?) by someone with whom you have concerns about the way he treats her? If she is small, and this continues, it could be very detrimental to her mental well being. Have you talked to him in a CTJ manner and told him it cannot continue?

[sigir]

You guys are right I am just sensitive today. I will respond more to your post tomorrow. I am doing ok w sitting w the bad feelings overall though today, it's just a sucky day.

I take effexor and have been doing pretty great. This is the worst I've felt since I got my new dr 4 mo ago and restarted effexor.

[stato]

Don't beat yourself up over it, but do turn the lorazepam in to your psych and talk to her/him about whether the Effexor is adequately addressing your anxiety.

As for your son, this is definitely NOT your fault. Sometimes kids just tend to get sick.

Re: your daughter, I'm not trying to make you feel worse, but it is MUCH easier said than done to "make sure it doesn't affect her too much." If your husband is treating her poorly, it's going to affect her adversely. What does your husband do wrt her? How is he mean to her? Why is he mean to her?

I grew up with a stepmom who basically saw my existence as a personal affront to her. I didn't DO anything, but she didn't like the tie to my mom, she didn't like that my dad had to pay alimony/child support, and she just wanted her own family. I was in the way and clearly unwelcome. I wouldn't say she was abusive, but she certainly did consistently treat me poorly (as well as demand to take vacations, etc. without me and my older brother -- ie, with only my half sibs and my dad).

My dad, like you, didn't want to be divorced a second time with three additional young kids, so he didn't do much about her behavior. I love my dad, I'm close to him, and intellectually I understand why he did some of the things he did (my stepmom has a tendency to be vindictive and would have made it hell for my dad to see the kids), but I will say it did quite the number on me mentally. I've spent a LOOOOOONG time and a LOOOOTTT of therapy trying to undo that and convince myself that I'm not intrinsically worthless and that how she treated me was a reflection on her, not on me.

[sigir]

Thanks everyone and sorry I disappeared. I need to get to meetings regularly bc white knuckling it isn't going to work long term, and it's not good for me.

Thanks for the support and re my dh, he is not abusive, he is just not good w expressing emotion and does not get what a 10 year old is like, so he's sometimes hard on her. We fight about it all the time so I don't let him get away w it, and he says he is trying, I just don't know how to make it better.

[flex]

I hope you do start going to meetings. And am glad to see you recognize that white knuckling sucks big time. (((hugs)))

[lovelovelove]

If he truly wants to try, I'd suggest some family counseling with a therapist specializing in blended family.

I'm sorry you're struggling.

[malibu]

sigir just wanted to check in and see if things are better this week?

[sigir]

Thanks for asking. Things are really bad w me and my dh but my logical mind knows that as much as it is hard to sit with this pain, if I was drunk it would be much much worse.

That is not to say that if there was not something in the house I would not have drunk it already! Things are bad.

I appreciate the check in though.

[sigir]

I also put my lorazepam down the drain

[lovelovelove]

I'm so sorry you're struggling.