Advice: how to deal with rude people

[abcdefu]

I have posted on here about horrible comments people have said to me in the past couple weeks. I am getting really fed up with it, but I don't know how to let it go. In the moment I stand up for myself to the individual, but after the fact, when I'm alone, I cry so much and feel so hurt.

Honestly, I have no clue how to make it stop. The worst part is most of these comments are made by family members and co workers. I know I could completely cut my sister and dad off, but I would never be able to see my mom because she lives with them. Plus I use the pool at her house to do my PT exercises. I know I have to decide if it's worth it.

The last few weeks I have been told the following:

"If you want to date, you need to wait until you get better,or find an amputee."

"I was going to invite you, but I figured you would have to bring your wheelchair, and I don't feel like sitting in the handicap section. If you can suck it up and just go without your chair, then you can come."

About me to someone else "why would she expect me to go upstairs when she doesn't have to do the stairs?"
Like I said, I stick up for myself in the moment, but I dwell on it mentally for weeks after. I am in counseling and have an appointment in a couple weeks, but I just don't know how to deal with it on a daily basis. It's making me have horrible flashback of ex-h because he used to say horrible things to me.

Can you guys give me some advice of how to let comments like these go? It's seriously depressing.

[Deleted]

Dude wtf? I hate all of these people. Honestly it sounds like you have an asshole problem. As in you are surrounded by them. I would try as best I could to minimize interactions with these people and find people who build you up. Then I think these awful comments will hurt less. I'm so sorry! If you lived here I would be honored to sit with such a brave and strong person in the accessible section.

[imalwaysme79]

Aug 16, 2015 12:38:13 GMT -5 @pdx18 said:

Dude wtf? I hate all of these people. Honestly it sounds like you have an asshole problem. As in you are surrounded by them. I would try as best I could to minimize interactions with these people and find people who build you up. Then I think these awful comments will hurt less. I'm so sorry! If you lived here I would be honored to sit with such a brave and strong person in the accessible section.

Ditto.

I know you can't not see these people because they're family and coworkers, but you should definitely try and spend more time with people who support you.

[cuddlyevil]

I'm angry for you. Standing up to them in the moment is perfect. As for letting it go, I don't know because I would struggle too.

[bg]

I'm sorry you have to deal with them. I agree with the suggestion of surrounding yourself with uplifting people if you can.

I'm sure you would have done this already if it would do anything, but does your sister need you to explain to her why the things she says are hurtful?

ETA: Could your boss intervene in some way and make a statement? Maybe not make it directly about you/your situation but about being accommodating in the workplace in general?

[abcdefu]

Thank you for all the suggestions. I just don't understand the need to be so mean to someone who can't help their situation. I am a really nice person. I would never say these things to someone even if they were a horrible mean person.

When I stand up for myself to my sister, she always says "oh here we go again with you playing the disability victim card."

This shit is straight up hurtful.

My best friend/roommate is a really nice understanding person. When my health started to decline, she took over all of the physical house duties (vacuuming, trash, sweeping, etc.) She is a very positive person. I also vent to her and she is on my side and agrees that these comments are terrible. She said that she thinks these people have been bitches/assholes all along, but now they are targeting something I am very self conscious and sensitive about and that is why it's so hard to let these comments roll off my back.

I want to be like "go fuck yourself", but I feel like that is stooping to their level. My office is really small so we don't have a HR department. Plus my office manager is my boss's gf, so um yeah. I have applied for state jobs where there is a more professional politically correct environment.

[cuddlyevil]

Fuck your sister right in the ear.

I agree with your roommate. These people were like this all along, you just never had it fully directed at you. But now you're seeing all of it and they're fucking jerkasses.

[Deleted]

Is it possible to just not engage with your sister outside of the obligatory family events? I also think a fuck you is tote appropriate here.

[bl]

Wow your sister is a bitch! I am so sorry you are dealing with these shitty people, especially people who should be supportive. I am glad you have your roommate to help lift you up. I agree with trying to surround yourself with as many of those kind of people as you can.

Whenever someone is mean or hateful to me I try to process it in the following way, was the intention to be hurtful, if no then I try to communicate about why it was hurtful and give them the benefit of the doubt. If I think the intention was to be mean/hurtful/a shitty person then I just tell myself that the opinion of shitty people has no place in my life and holds no value. Its not easy to do, but once you get to that place it makes life much easier.

[jigsy]

I'm sorry that you have these awful people in your life. If it's any consolation, I'm sure they are completely miserable in their own skin/life so they feel the need to pull people down to their level, and sadly, you are a target for them.
But that is totally a reflection of them, and nothing on you (other than the fact that you are a kind and positive person so these assholes feel like they have to bring you down - misery loves company).

You are so strong. Many people would have let their health and these people being them down, but you keep your head up and keep moving on. You can't change these horrible people, and it will probably always hurt to hear negative things directed towards you, but just keep doing your thing. A life well lived us the best revenge. Surround yourself with positivity as much as possible.
And I really hope you can find a new job. I know you felt bad about leaving your boss, but he clearly isn't that great if he allows for this stuff to happen.

Hugs man - you are doing great. Lean on the people in your life who are supportive when you feel the negativity getting to you. It doesn't make you weak to have these mean comments hurt you, it means you're human.

[abcdefu]

You ladies have said what I needed to hear. It's funny how people who are supposed to care and love me, hurt me so much, but "strangers" on the internet completely get me and make me feel so much better.

I think you guys are right about my sister. She is unhappy and insecure about herself, so I think it makes her feel better to put me down. She feels she can say whatever she wants to me because my niece is her daughter, and she can withhold her from seeing me, her godmother. It's a really shitty situation to be in.

(just to clarify, I have two sisters. The one being a bitch isn't the one who was in town and stayed with me last week)

[jojoandleo]

Have you discussed this with your therapist? Maybe you and your therapist could some up with the best way to approach this. That may be just you leaving the situation. Like:

Sister: I'd invite you if you just pushed through and left the wheelchair at home.
You: Moves away

OR

You: We have been over this and it's not worth discussing it with you again. This topic is not up for discussion. (Then walking away.)

OR

You sitting down with your entire family and explaining that FOR THE LAST TIME you are going to explain your disability. After this, the topic is not up for discussion. If they continue to make negative comments about you, you will no longer be able to associate them for your own wellbeing.

I don't know the right approach for you. I feel your therapist has a better understanding of you and your relationships. And she may have BETTER approaches than I do. I think it is worth at least bringing up in a "I need a game plan" way with your therapist.

[abcdefu]

Aug 17, 2015 9:47:31 GMT -5 jojoandleo said:

Have you discussed this with your therapist? Maybe you and your therapist could some up with the best way to approach this. That may be just you leaving the situation. Like:

Sister: I'd invite you if you just pushed through and left the wheelchair at home.
You: Moves away

OR

You: We have been over this and it's not worth discussing it with you again. This topic is not up for discussion. (Then walking away.)

OR

You sitting down with your entire family and explaining that FOR THE LAST TIME you are going to explain your disability. After this, the topic is not up for discussion. If they continue to make negative comments about you, you will no longer be able to associate them for your own wellbeing.

I don't know the right approach for you. I feel your therapist has a better understanding of you and your relationships. And she may have BETTER approaches than I do. I think it is worth at least bringing up in a "I need a game plan" way with your therapist.

This is a great approach for me. I have my appointment in a couple weeks, but in the mean time I think need a temporary plan.

 I just can't keep going around and around with the same shit. For the sake of my mental health, I just need to move on with my life in the most normal way I can, without the aspects of my condition being brought up.  Like, Hello people! I know I am in a wheelchair; I know I have a limp; I know I spill things because of hand tremors; I just don't need this pointed out every effing day!

[abcdefu]

Aug 19, 2015 13:44:42 GMT -5 1234FIF! said:

OR tell your sister -- and the rest of these people -- to eat a bag of dicks because what in THE FUCK?

I know it will eventually come to this. In therapy I am learning that I don't need to be overly nice to make up for my medical issues. I am getting there. I know when I say it one time, it will make it easier to tell people to fuck off. I just have to rip the band-aid off and do it!

[messykitchen]

I lurk here sometimes from ML but just wanted to say what the FUCK. I am so sorry you have to hear such bullshit. And fuck your sister too. I am enraged on your behalf. You don't need to make a single excuse for your medical issues. That's like apologizing for being blonde, or something. Totally ridiculous. I know that's a simplified way of looking at things, but it's how I deal with my own struggles.

I would be damn proud to sit right next to you in the accessible section right with everyone else here.

[abcdefu]

Aug 22, 2015 10:28:50 GMT -5 messykitchen said:

I lurk here sometimes from ML but just wanted to say what the FUCK. I am so sorry you have to hear such bullshit. And fuck your sister too. I am enraged on your behalf. You don't need to make a single excuse for your medical issues. That's like apologizing for being blonde, or something. Totally ridiculous. I know that's a simplified way of looking at things, but it's how I deal with my own struggles.

I would be damn proud to sit right next to you in the accessible section right with everyone else here.

Thank you! I know I need to work on my self confidence. It's just difficult for me to understand why people treat me this way. I'm just trying to do the best I can with the cards I've been dealt. I just want to cut out all negativity out so hopefully I get the balls to stand up to these people whether they are family, coworkers, or whoever.

[abcdefu]

Aug 22, 2015 17:35:35 GMT -5 @32flavors said:

These people are assholes. I'm going to be honest with you- there are A LOT of fucking assholes in this world. Being disabled somehow means that you draw more attention than those who blend in and you will probably find more stupid people in life than your fair share. I'm sorry. Try to find a way to respond and put a wall up so as to not allow their stupidity to ruin you day. The flip side is you will also find awesome people who make the world better and who are also drawn to you. I'm not disabled, but I've had a close friend with a disability and this has been my observation.

I'm beginning to learn that. I understand someone maybe feeling awkward around me, or not feeling comfortable because they are unsure how to act. I get that. It's the incredibly mean and malicious comments that are just uncalled for and are obviously intended to hurt me. 

It is just frustrating when it feels like it happens all the time. I'm sorry your friend has also had to experience insensitive/mean people as well.