AE, lurker intro

[ae555]

Poof.

Thanks for listening.  If anyone has any advice or similar stories, I'd appreciate it.  

[flex]

He sounds like a classic practicing alcoholic. You're doing the right thing by attending Al-Anon meetings. Keep it up because it takes time to learn how to deal with a loved one who is not ready to give up drinking.

[malibu]

I could have written your post.

Keep up with the Al Anon and therapy. You don't have to make any decisions today, tomorrow, or next week. Eventually, with continued therapy and attendance at Al Anon, you will hopefully realize what your boundaries are, and know that once they've been crossed, it's over, or you may decide you can stay with him.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I have the utmost empathy and sympathy for you, as I've spent the last ten or so years dealing with the same thing.

[lovelovelove]

Same as malibu

Best wishes, please come here to talk out whatever you need to- it's been so helpful to me when I can't get my thoughts straight.

[ae555]

Thanks. We talked tonight some, which is good. Honest, hard discussions about our relationship, but I'm grateful he was honest with me. He is clearly scared to be honest when it's negative. I don't think that's specific to me. Likewise...I had trust issues before his lying about drinking.  He's agreed to marriage counseling. I don't think our marriage will survive if we keep trying to do this on our own. I'm going to continue to go to Al Anon. I have no idea where my limit is...I'm scared to find out whether I'm past it already.

Thank you for listening and sharing your stories. It is so helpful. I don't feel so alone.

[malibu]

I am so glad you were able to have a productive conversation, and for him to agree to marriage counseling. Perhaps some solo sessions for both him and you might also be in order.

And believe me, I totally understand the trust issues, since I've gone through (and am still going through) the same thing. It is really, really hard to get that trust back once it's been shattered. That's where the individual counseling combined with Al Anon for you will be immensely beneficial. I think it's wonderful you're already doing Al Anon, and I hope the other attendees are giving you the reassurance and ideas you need to work through being the spouse of an addict.

[btay]

I am so sorry you are dealing with this, living with an active alcoholic is the most exhausting experience. Al Anon will be a huge help so I am so glad you are going and have found a good group. Make sure you make the meetings a priority for you and things will start to fall into place. ((()))

[morecowbell]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I have no advice, but I want to send you big hugs. Please take care of yourself!

[ae555]

Thanks. We had more difficult, honest conversations this week about other marriage issues, which is good. However, when it comes to talking about the drinking, he's mostly silent. There seems to be helplessness on his part, like he's accepted that drinking will eventually cause him to lose his family. That is heartbreaking for me. I think he's depressed and/or anxious, but he denies it.  I'm hoping counseling will help. Our first appointment is next week.

I'm a pretty intuitive person and pick up on these things...but I legit can't tell when he's been drinking. That has been crazy-making over the past few years (if I'm honest, now I wonder about our entire relationship). That seems hard for people to believe, but it's the truth.

[malibu]

ae555 I could have also written your follow up.

I've spent the last year since his rehab stay constantly questioning, smelling, searching the old hiding places. I question myself - am I just thinking he's been drinking because it's so ingrained in me to be looking for the signs? Unfortunately, in my case, I've usually been right.

Keep going to Al Anon. I too understand questioning all the good days/times in the past, wondering if I ever really knew who I was marrying.

[ae555]

Thanks Malibu and hugs to you. How do you cope with all of this? I'm having a really bad day, lots of emotions that I'm tired of dealing with. Just trying to get through the day and it's hard. I'm just not sure I'll ever get over the repeated betrayal. Things will get better someday...I do believe that. Today is not that day.

[Deleted]

I'm glad you are going to start counseling together ae555, although next week probably feels like a long time from now. My best advice would be to focus on the right now. BE where your hands are. Try your very best to live in the moment. If nothing else, your little girl needs your best attention. It's very hard to do, but with practice you'll get better.

Keep posting. We understand! I've been in recovery for about 8 years now. It truly is one day at a time, or an hour at a time, as you stated.

[lovelovelove]

Something that helped me when I was having awful days and counseling was a few days away- I got a notebook that was dedicated to this and I'd write down whatever it was that was making me feel awful. I'd bring it to counseling just in case I needed it. Once stuff was written down I felt like I didn't need to focus on it right then and could get something done- work, cleaning, activity for dd, etc.

[ae555]

Aug 26, 2015 6:06:22 GMT -5 lovelovelove said:

Something that helped me when I was having awful days and counseling was a few days away- I got a notebook that was dedicated to this and I'd write down whatever it was that was making me feel awful. I'd bring it to counseling just in case I needed it. Once stuff was written down I felt like I didn't need to focus on it right then and could get something done- work, cleaning, activity for dd, etc.

I really need to start journaling again.  It would help me vent out the emotions and make sense of things.   One day at a time...

[malibu]

Aug 24, 2015 15:41:31 GMT -5 ae555 said:

Thanks Malibu and hugs to you. How do you cope with all of this? I'm having a really bad day, lots of emotions that I'm tired of dealing with. Just trying to get through the day and it's hard. I'm just not sure I'll ever get over the repeated betrayal. Things will get better someday...I do believe that. Today is not that day.

I rely heavily on my anti-anxiety/anti-depression medication, to be honest.

I dont' want to say I've accepted the way things will be, but in a way, I kind of have. That sounds really sad when I think about it. I guess I don't really cope with it so much as live through it. We have good days and bad days, sometimes we have good weeks and bad weeks. This too has not been a good week for us (not drinking related but one of his many other addictions that came to light), we haven't spoken since Sunday night. Not super mature on my part, but I seriously just can't deal with another one, and I shut down when I'm really upset.

Another way I cope? I work out like a beast. I get away from him and the situations, I'm doing something good for me and ONLY me, and I forget about life for a while. It sounds so unbelievably cliché and dumb, but it really works for me.

[Deleted]

ae555, just wondering how you are doing. Did you start your couples therapy?

[ae555]

Sept 2, 2015 9:42:29 GMT -5 @courtneyloves said:

ae555, just wondering how you are doing. Did you start your couples therapy?

Thanks for checking in.  I'm doing okay, some days are better than others.  Our first counseling session was good.  She has a lot of AODA experience and was very helpful in this area.  Nothing that was said was shocking or unexpected.  We're going back in two weeks. 

She laid it out straight to him about his drinking and that without him in recovery, it would be hard for us re-build trust.  He definitely recognizes he has a problem and seems to want to fix it, but either isn't very good at it, or still hasn't accepted that he can't do it on his own. I will continue to go to Al Anon for more help learning better coping strategies.  

Thank you for the support and for checking in.  I really appreciate it and will continue to check in here.