Stepmoms- have you read Stepmonster?

[Bernadine]

I think my head's about to fall off from nodding along to almost everything. Wow.

[joenali]

Interesting. I just read the description. I think this will be next on my list!

[Bernadine]

Aug 27, 2015 10:10:00 GMT -5 joenali said:

Interesting. I just read the description. I think this will be next on my list!

Let me know what you think of it!

[CurlyQ284]

I haven't but I'm interested. On my list as well.

I feel like things never really work for very long. I think everything is sorted out and going fine and then flat tire.

[Bernadine]

Aug 27, 2015 10:15:07 GMT -5 jamie.1022 said:

What did you get out of it? (not snark; curious)

Just knowing that I'm not alone, and my feelings are normal. I'm only about halfway through.

[Bernadine]

Aug 27, 2015 10:48:52 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

I haven't, but I read articles by that author. I did a lot of stepmother reading when I first started dating my H to avoid pitfalls before things became problematic.

I can't remember who said what but the biggest thing I've learned is that the role a woman typically holds in a family (day to day discipline, chore-enforcer, manners, etc) is often handed over to the stepmom way too early, which causes resentment all around. The kids don't want to be parented by the outsider, the wife resents the husband for not appreciating and backing her up and the kids for acting like assholes (because let's face it, kids don't appreciate much that parents do and parenting someone else's kid isn't intrinsically rewarding), and the husband resents that everyone is fighting. The only way to solve it is to back out of that role, hand it back to the husband, and let the chips fall where they may, even if it means things don't get done.

Lucky for me my H had the kids on his own 80% of the time and was used to running the show, so all I had to do was be mindful of not taking on more than I was happy to do and upsetting the balance. I've had to check myself many times when I've found myself pissed off and realize I've taken on too much.

Oh, this is definitely something I'm learning. I like to be in control, and it's taking a lot of effort on my part to just back off.

[joenali]

I've known ss since birth (long story, dh and birth mom were never in a relationship) and I feel that we haven't had a lot of contention in our relationship as far as discipline goes.

Although sometimes I feel a little resentment when I want to go somewhere with friends and ss is over for the weekend. Although I do try to plan those kinds of things on our off weekends. It's hard to explain the feeling I have when this comes up.

[CurlyQ284]

Aug 27, 2015 10:48:52 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

I haven't, but I read articles by that author. I did a lot of stepmother reading when I first started dating my H to avoid pitfalls before things became problematic.

I can't remember who said what but the biggest thing I've learned is that the role a woman typically holds in a family (day to day discipline, chore-enforcer, manners, etc) is often handed over to the stepmom way too early, which causes resentment all around. The kids don't want to be parented by the outsider, the wife resents the husband for not appreciating and backing her up and the kids for acting like assholes (because let's face it, kids don't appreciate much that parents do and parenting someone else's kid isn't intrinsically rewarding), and the husband resents that everyone is fighting. The only way to solve it is to back out of that role, hand it back to the husband, and let the chips fall where they may, even if it means things don't get done.

Lucky for me my H had the kids on his own 80% of the time and was used to running the show, so all I had to do was be mindful of not taking on more than I was happy to do and upsetting the balance. I've had to check myself many times when I've found myself pissed off and realize I've taken on too much.

Yes to allllll of this.
It took me forever to figure this out because we were long distance and has them for 2 months and then short visits throughout the year so we didn't establish a regular dynamic. But this is 100% right.

[pittsmcgee]

Ooh, no I haven't. I'll have to check it out, Thank you!

[CurlyQ284]

Can I do a stepmom bitchfest for a second?

One thing I'm having trouble with these days is balancing fairness and stuff. I feel like DS gets shorted.

Example the girls have a huge dresser in their room, they don't even use it. They don't take their clothes out of their bags. DS has a small dresser overflowing because all his clothes are in it. DH and I got in a huge fight about switching the dressers because "it looks bad".

Or DH trying to short DSs Christmas budget because he's little and doesn't know better but we need to spend more on SDs because they are older.

Or like how I'm getting used clothes for DS to make budget but SD1 has to have the cool clothes because popular and DH finds this perfectly reasonable.

[Linie]

It was a big problem in my mariage, one of the (multiple) reasons we ended up separated. I have started seeing someone this year and he has a 6 year old daughter. She's lovely and likes me a lot but her jealousy of her father is causing some doubts. I'm not sure I want to go through this again. That and a crazy bio-mom.

[hopecounts]

Aug 27, 2015 11:07:37 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

Can I do a stepmom bitchfest for a second?

One thing I'm having trouble with these days is balancing fairness and stuff. I feel like DS gets shorted.

Example the girls have a huge dresser in their room, they don't even use it. They don't take their clothes out of their bags. DS has a small dresser overflowing because all his clothes are in it. DH and I got in a huge fight about switching the dressers because "it looks bad".

Or DH trying to short DSs Christmas budget because he's little and doesn't know better but we need to spend more on SDs because they are older.

Or like how I'm getting used clothes for DS to make budget but SD1 has to have the cool clothes because popular and DH finds this perfectly reasonable.

stepkid piping in if that's ok.
the dresser- could you buy a second small dresser so the girls could 'each have their own' and use the big one to your DS's room. 
As the stepkid I would've been upset to have it switched out to 1 small like that when I was sharing. IT was hard enough to feel at home at my Dad's as it was.

The budgets should be even among the kids, that's just fair.

[compassrose]

I will put this on my list for reading for sure.

[hopecounts]

Aug 27, 2015 12:55:02 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

Aug 27, 2015 12:47:35 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

stepkid piping in if that's ok.
the dresser- could you buy a second small dresser so the girls could 'each have their own' and use the big one to your DS's room. 
As the stepkid I would've been upset to have it switched out to 1 small like that when I was sharing. IT was hard enough to feel at home at my Dad's as it was.

The budgets should be even among the kids, that's just fair.

That's what I'm going to do but it's so annoying since they don't even use them. Plus I have a zillion other expenses for them right now (back to school clothes, homecoming dress, yearbooks, pictures) and I just need more room for DSs clothes.

What made you feel not at home at your dads? I've never had the impression they felt that way, they are daddy's girls, they practically sit on him when we watch TV lol. It's never been like they are the odd ones out, if anything, that would be me.

I want to make sure there's nothing going on to make them feel that way.

Mainly just feeling like I was just visiting, I never felt like it was my home, just a place I was staying. 
now a lot of that was my Dad but some was just the going back and forth with most of my stuff being at my Mom's. 
I'm also wondering if they each have their own they might be willing to unpack (were they perhaps unwilling/unable to divy up the one dresser?) and they may be perfectly at home that just jumped out at me.  
For what it's worth from your posts you sound like a pretty awesome stepmom. 

[CurlyQ284]

Aug 27, 2015 13:00:10 GMT -5 hopecounts said:

Aug 27, 2015 12:55:02 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

That's what I'm going to do but it's so annoying since they don't even use them. Plus I have a zillion other expenses for them right now (back to school clothes, homecoming dress, yearbooks, pictures) and I just need more room for DSs clothes.

What made you feel not at home at your dads? I've never had the impression they felt that way, they are daddy's girls, they practically sit on him when we watch TV lol. It's never been like they are the odd ones out, if anything, that would be me.

I want to make sure there's nothing going on to make them feel that way.

Mainly just feeling like I was just visiting, I never felt like it was my home, just a place I was staying. 
now a lot of that was my Dad but some was just the going back and forth with most of my stuff being at my Mom's. 
I'm also wondering if they each have their own they might be willing to unpack (were they perhaps unwilling/unable to divy up the one dresser?) and they may be perfectly at home that just jumped out at me.  
For what it's worth from your posts you sound like a pretty awesome stepmom. 

I totally offered to get a set of clothes for here because I agree 100%. They didn't want to, they said what if they had a shirt at one house and they wanted it when they were at the other house. I offered to buy duplicates! Still said no. I have toothbrushes, shampoo, nail polish and stuff for them here so they don't have to pack that but the clothes still go back and forth.

I think I'm mediocre, I try so maybe there are points for trying lol

[deanlicker78]

We have a complicated set of issues in our home. I absolutely want to read this.

SS has a lot of behavioral special needs. Neither of his parents or grandparents were aware or willing to accept this. His daycare provider could see it, and I could see it. I became the one who pushed and pushed to get him looked at by a doctor. I pushed and pushed to get him to a specialist. As a result I've become the bad guy to H's family because they don't fully accept that he has any issues.

It becomes an issue on his weekends and during the summer because H doesn't want to deal with meltdowns so he just let's him do whatever makes him happy to try to avoid any behaviors. So then if SS makes a mess, when he goes back to his mom's house, H will ask my kids to clean. They should not have to clean up after their brother. Or SS gets unlimited video game time, and the other kids don't. Then they resent SS. Then H and I argue.

It gets a lot more difficult as SS gets older.

[bubblywater]

I'm new to the stepmom gig, but my Stepson and son are the same age which sometimes makes things easier. We work hard to create a perception of equality but the reality is my son is here 100% of the time and his son is here 50% so natural jealousies over extra time with his dad is to be expected.
We try to change the way we talk about houses to give him a sense of ownership so we say "your home with us or your home with mom." And, we make sure that he feels like he has stuff that belongs to him instead of belonging to a house.
I am currently still a stay at home mom so I was immediately thrown into the role of most present parent which meant discipline fell on my shoulders. Fortunately I have a good relationship with mom and stepdad so I work hard to create a 4-parent United front for stepson and show him that we all love him and want good things for him.
My son lost his father to death, my stepson lost his intact family to divorce. They both struggle with these new lives we have created for them but they are both thriving in these new lives because all of the parents make conscious efforts to be on the same page in their lives.

[nursemominca]

I absolutely loved this book. My SD was almost 12 when we got married, and my DH and her mom were never married and hadn't been together in many years. There were a lot of difficulties with my DH's guilt, BM's diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, etc. It was rough. This book was very affirming for me and really helped me deal with things emotionally. Now we have our 3rd on the way and SD is practically an adult, and things are hard in a different way, but sooooo much easier in soooo many ways.

[Howards Mom]

Another stepkid who never felt comfortable at her father and stepmoms house.

My stepmom would allow my half brother to hit, kick, bite and dig his nails into me; I had tiny, crescent shaped scabs up my arms for the entire summer. She thought it was funny but I couldn't touch him.

I was only allowed to drink from bathroom size Dixie cups and only when she gave me something to drink, I wasn't so!owed to ask. I wasn't allowed to open the fridge or eat if I was hungry, only when she decided it was time to feed me an egg for dinner.

My Christmas gifts were minimal while my half siblings were extravagant. My speak and spell and my brothers entire and complete starwars collection. Or the used bottle of enjoli and used hair dryer to their Nautilus machine and entire TV/stereo/vcr setups in their rooms. I did not have my own room when visiting, I had a cot they kept in the closet when I wasn't there and rolled into a spare room when I was.

I wasn't allowed to watch TV or have books there so I spent the entire time pacing the house.

I wasn't stupid, I knew they were treated well and I wasn't. But I also had manners and didn't complain about was unfair. My stepmother often told me everything was my fault, that I was fat, lazy and my mom and I greedy. When she took us out with her nieces, everyone was allowed ice cream or some other treat except me.

So yeah, a list of things not to do to your stepkid and what made me uncomfortable while there.

[CurlyQ284]

I'm sorry Howards Mom, that's awful.

[frkls]

i started the book and didn't like it and wound up putting it down.

dsd was 6 when we met and is 19 now. my only bit of wisdom is to PLEASE know that your stepkids remember shit like getting to keep the big dresser. they file that stuff for-ev-er and it's meaningful to them. any time you inconvenience yourself or your bio kids to make life at your house better for them, they remember.

[Howards Mom]

Aug 27, 2015 14:36:08 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

Aug 27, 2015 13:56:06 GMT -5 Howards Mom said:

Another stepkid who never felt comfortable at her father and stepmoms house.

My stepmom would allow my half brother to hit, kick, bite and dig his nails into me; I had tiny, crescent shaped scabs up my arms for the entire summer. She thought it was funny but I couldn't touch him.

I was only allowed to drink from bathroom size Dixie cups and only when she gave me something to drink, I wasn't so!owed to ask. I wasn't allowed to open the fridge or eat if I was hungry, only when she decided it was time to feed me an egg for dinner.

My Christmas gifts were minimal while my half siblings were extravagant. My speak and spell and my brothers entire and complete starwars collection. Or the used bottle of enjoli and used hair dryer to their Nautilus machine and entire TV/stereo/vcr setups in their rooms. I did not have my own room when visiting, I had a cot they kept in the closet when I wasn't there and rolled into a spare room when I was.

I wasn't allowed to watch TV or have books there so I spent the entire time pacing the house.

I wasn't stupid, I knew they were treated well and I wasn't. But I also had manners and didn't complain about was unfair. My stepmother often told me everything was my fault, that I was fat, lazy and my mom and I greedy. When she took us out with her nieces, everyone was allowed ice cream or some other treat except me.

So yeah, a list of things not to do to your stepkid and what made me uncomfortable while there.

I am truly sorry for all the abuse you endured, and I don't want to invalidate your experience. However, I am a little offended that you would come in here and tell us not to be outright cruel to our stepkids. Much of what you describe, such a withholding food and water and subjecting you to physical maltreatment, is illegal. We don't need to be told not to do that.

I am a little sensitive about this issue because as a stepmother, I face a lot of misconceptions: that I must hate my stepkids, that they must hate me, that my home life must suck. Plenty of stepmothers, such as the women in this thread, are doing everything they can think of, including reading books, to make their blended homes as happy as possible.

Oh no, that wasn't my intent at all in posting my experience. I genuinely apologize if it read that way to any of you, it was a poor choice of words and "what not to do" was meant to be sarcasm and imply the stellar parenting on her part.

I dont think that OP and the other stepmoms here are treating their stepkids this way. What I neglected to include but should have, is my mom was the example of how to be a stepmom to my stepsisters. The three of us always received what the others did, Christmas gifts were comparable, no one ever left out or ignored intentionally. And when they had a half-brother, my mom included him in our lives. She picked him up from CCD and bought him shoes, because she didn't want him to feel left out when his sisters were taken care of.

But as a stepkid and at 7yo, I was definitely aware of how she felt about me and that it wasn't right to be treated like that. No one thought I would notice because of my age. I know some of it was illegal but in 1977 no one listened to kids and I was ill-behaved to complain.

[Bernadine]

Aug 27, 2015 15:28:20 GMT -5 frkls said:

i started the book and didn't like it and wound up putting it down.

dsd was 6 when we met and is 19 now. my only bit of wisdom is to PLEASE know that your stepkids remember shit like getting to keep the big dresser. they file that stuff for-ev-er and it's meaningful to them. any time you inconvenience yourself or your bio kids to make life at your house better for them, they remember.

I'm so curious- why didn't you like it?

It is a little negative, but for me, it's affirming to hear that it's ok and normal to have negative feelings.

[CurlyQ284]

Aug 27, 2015 16:27:16 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

This thread is so cathartic for me, and we're barely scratching the surface, topic-wise. I don't know any other stepmoms IRL!

I've been in a group since I got engaged to DH. I learned a lot. We started dating when I was 19, I was a baby and had no business getting involved with a guy with kids but also to young and dumb to see that.

I didn't know anyone IRL either and they would say things like "I don't know why you can't just get custody" or dumb stuff like that. It's been helpful. I think there are quite a few SMs on here if you ever need an ear

[Bernadine]

Aug 27, 2015 16:23:36 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

Aug 27, 2015 16:14:21 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

I'm so curious- why didn't you like it?

It is a little negative, but for me, it's affirming to hear that it's ok and normal to have negative feelings.

You didn't ask me, but yeah I didn't like it bc of the negativity. Of course my experience has been more positive than average on the whole, but I preferred The Happy Stepmother and some cheesy book, The Girlfriend's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife. It was poorly written but the takeaway points were more solution-focused overall.

I liked the Girlfriend's Guide, too. We're having a bit of a rough time, so I think Stepmonster is also just coming at a good time for me.

[nursemominca]

I think StepMonster was so affirming because my experience was really negative in the beginning, lol! My non-step mom friends would just say things like, "well, you're so lucky you get this child in your life!" and, "You guys should just get custody!" I was feeling so alone and so bad about myself for hating the situation and finding it so difficult. Like I was just failing and I *should* just be overjoyed and endlessly loving and patient, etc etc. It was awesome to read that this is just really hard sometimes, and it's not all the stepmom's fault. I also liked the parts about how it's hard for many adult friends to relate or understand your feelings, because so many of them are/were stepchildren. Also the parts about how our culture has really stigmatized stepmoms and how even adult stepchildren can unfairly judge their stepmoms because of the childhood ideals of mom and dad getting back together and many other hard things these kids go through. My husband was also totally parenting out of guilt and those sections were really eye opening for both of us.

I think it's legitimately really difficult to be a child in a blended family, but I think it's also really telling that stepmoms generally can't ever express how difficult our role is without someone reminding us that it's hard on the child, too. There are hard things about being a stepmom! There are hard things about being a mom, or a stepchild, or a child in general, and it's nice when you can find someone who "gets" what you're going through.

[frkls]

Aug 27, 2015 16:14:21 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

Aug 27, 2015 15:28:20 GMT -5 frkls said:

i started the book and didn't like it and wound up putting it down.

dsd was 6 when we met and is 19 now. my only bit of wisdom is to PLEASE know that your stepkids remember shit like getting to keep the big dresser. they file that stuff for-ev-er and it's meaningful to them. any time you inconvenience yourself or your bio kids to make life at your house better for them, they remember.

I'm so curious- why didn't you like it?

It is a little negative, but for me, it's affirming to hear that it's ok and normal to have negative feelings.

i think i was looking for support with less anger.  i was looking for, "you can do this!!"  more than, "you're right! this sucks!!" 

[CurlyQ284]

My experience has been mostly negative too. It's been really hard. I have sacrificed a lot and still had SD with her hand out for more and BTW I hate your face.

It's kind of why I don't feel bad switching dressers. If I moved away from everyone I know so DH can live close by and they can have a better relationship with them, I spend all my bonuses on them, I have never been on a honeymoon (or any child free vacation for that matter) but we saved and took them to disney. If all of that isn't good enough, I really don't think a dresser that she hasn't opened in the year we've been here will make much difference.

I sound like a bitch but I'm really not up for a lifetime of DS getting the short straw when she doesn't care anyway.

ETA besides, right now they share a room and one dresser. When we buy a house they will have seperate rooms. Both existing dressers are dark wood. She's already picked out the color paint for her room and she wants a dark purple. She will need white furniture anyways so we plan to get her a white dresser, give SD2 DSs dresser and give DS the one they share. Everyone has a dresser.

[frkls]

Aug 27, 2015 16:45:18 GMT -5 Bernadine said:

Aug 27, 2015 16:23:36 GMT -5 spearmintleaf said:

You didn't ask me, but yeah I didn't like it bc of the negativity. Of course my experience has been more positive than average on the whole, but I preferred The Happy Stepmother and some cheesy book, The Girlfriend's Guide to Marrying a Man, His Kids, and His Ex-Wife. It was poorly written but the takeaway points were more solution-focused overall.

I liked the Girlfriend's Guide, too. We're having a bit of a rough time, so I think Stepmonster is also just coming at a good time for me.

i'm glad you found SOMETHING that is making you feel better.  whatever works for you, dude! more power to you.  the blended family thing is no joke.  

i read one called "step-families" and it was more kinda academic, which is how i roll with books because i'm a fun-suck.  if you ever wander into the library, read the part about how stepfamilies all have a natural life cycle.  you're totally in the hardest part right now, but it's totally normal!

play.google.com/store/books/details?id=2XN0ZaTBznAC&source=productsearch&utm_source=HA_Desktop_US&utm_medium=SEM&utm_campaign=PLA&pcampaignid=MKTAD0930BO1&gl=US&gclid=CMn_i7uoyscCFYOxNwodpiwFvQ&gclsrc=ds

[frkls]

Aug 27, 2015 17:32:55 GMT -5 CurlyQ284 said:

My experience has been mostly negative too. It's been really hard. I have sacrificed a lot and still had SD with her hand out for more and BTW I hate your face.

It's kind of why I don't feel bad switching dressers. If I moved away from everyone I know so DH can live close by and they can have a better relationship with them, I spend all my bonuses on them, I have never been on a honeymoon (or any child free vacation for that matter) but we saved and took them to disney. If all of that isn't good enough, I really don't think a dresser that she hasn't opened in the year we've been here will make much difference.

I sound like a bitch but I'm really not up for a lifetime of DS getting the short straw when she doesn't care anyway.

ETA besides, right now they share a room and one dresser. When we buy a house they will have seperate rooms. Both existing dressers are dark wood. She's already picked out the color paint for her room and she wants a dark purple. She will need white furniture anyways so we plan to get her a white dresser, give SD2 DSs dresser and give DS the one they share. Everyone has a dresser.

i didn't mean to pick on you about the dresser, i just meant that they make a big emotional deal out of things that are just household logistics.  has your H addressed any of this with her?  her behavior doesn't really sound like a stepkid thing as much a spoiled brat thing, and your h needs to decide if they are going to continue to raise her to be ungrateful and entitled.  

eta: my h's sister died by suicide when she was 12, so MIL was always terrified that if we didn't do absolutely everything in our power to make dsd happy at all times, the same would happen to her.  it really made her a spoiled brat and he had to employ some tough love that pissed off her and my MIL, but it kept her from becoming an entitled moron of an adult.