It's ok, I felt a little defensive cause I was like "I did so many big things, I just want a dresser!"
No, he hasnt because of the guilt. She is a spoiled brat. Out of all this I worry most about SD2, she's easygoing and she gets shortchanged because of SD1s complaining.
Last fall I bought a $30 purse because the strap broke. She came in the door and said "ugh. I can't have xyz, but you get a new purse? Nice. Really nice."
Lol I didn't realize that she was doing all my projects for me and earning my paycheck!
It's ok, I felt a little defensive cause I was like "I did so many big things, I just want a dresser!"
No, he hasnt because of the guilt. She is a spoiled brat. Out of all this I worry most about SD2, she's easygoing and she gets shortchanged because of SD1s complaining.
Last fall I bought a $30 purse because the strap broke. She came in the door and said "ugh. I can't have xyz, but you get a new purse? Nice. Really nice."
Lol I didn't realize that she was doing all my projects for me and earning my paycheck!
yeah, your h needs to shut this shit down. it is none of her business how you spend your money and your h should be pissed that she speaks to you that way.
Post by EnchantedSoul on Aug 27, 2015 18:30:45 GMT -5
Can I join this step mom group? Do you all have regular meetings? I often feel isolated in my step parenting and am glad to read others' experiences. I'm Interested in reading Stepmonster. Thanks for the rec.
It's ok, I felt a little defensive cause I was like "I did so many big things, I just want a dresser!"
No, he hasnt because of the guilt. She is a spoiled brat. Out of all this I worry most about SD2, she's easygoing and she gets shortchanged because of SD1s complaining.
Last fall I bought a $30 purse because the strap broke. She came in the door and said "ugh. I can't have xyz, but you get a new purse? Nice. Really nice."
Lol I didn't realize that she was doing all my projects for me and earning my paycheck!
You don't have a SD problem. You have a husband problem. He should shut that shit down immediately.
Also, I don't know your lyfe but based on your previous posts ("Look how much I sacrifice for them! I have to work and can't take a vacation! They almost sit on his lap while they're here!") are coming across a little icky. Some of SD's behavior is just general teenage assholery. But, it sounds like they miss having their dad around based on your description of them taking over your space on the couch next to him when they visit. Maybe they crowd around him when they visit because they miss him, and crave his attention?
Why does your husband feel the need to overcompensate with materialistic goods? Maybe he feels like your DS is already ahead of the game, having two parents who love him and each other and live in the same house so he doesn't have to have his life disrupted every other weekend doing the parent shuffle. Trust me, your SDs would rather have that than all the cool clothes in the world.
I was/am a stepkid so this is obviously coloring my response. And while I was growing up my stepmother and I were at 100% odds with each other. I'm sure she thought I was a spoiled brat and I was always acutely aware that my half sister was getting to live a life free from the stress/pressure of having to navigate having two parents at odds with each other, with a dose of stepparent thrown in. Now we are very close.
Post by WOUNDTIGHT on Aug 27, 2015 19:03:43 GMT -5
I agree venting is totally normal. However- the sacrifices you make are all an educated decision. Do I get annoyed at how much daycare costs? Yes. Do I blame my son for the fact that I can't go on vacation or buy myself what I want? No, because this is what I choose for myself. I think the parts that made me uncomfortable were blaming the SD for the dad overindulging them and thus taking away from HER kid. Also where she said the girls were almost sitting on his lap- if he was absent for part of their childhood, I don't see how they are to blame for wanting to soak up all the attention they can get.
And can't we agree- this isn't an easy situation for anyone. Of course it's hard on kids to have to go between two parents and houses- but they're not the only ones in a difficult situation. Saying it's hard to be a stepmother doesn't mean that it's not hard to be a stepchild. They're not mutually exclusive. It just seems like in general, women are looked down on when they say that step parenting is hard.
WOUNDTIGHT I wrote a big post but deleted it all. I really regret posting details of my situation in the first place.
Suffice it to say I realize I have a DH problem. I don't blame SDs at all. She's spoiled, that's not her fault. But I will get upset if she speaks to me rudely, which hasn't been uncommon over the years.
There are other issues with my DH. There are a lot of unexpected things about moving that have screwed me over and benefitted him and I resent it. I've been in therapy, 100% talking about DH and his parenting, not about SD.
I don't care if they sit on his lap. That was in response to someone saying they didn't feel comfortable in their dad's house and I was trying to show that by all appearances they seem to feel comfortable here. They pile up like puppies when we watch TV. If that read as bitter, that not it at all.
ETA and FWIW DH and his ex aren't at odds. They have little arguments a out how to handle a situation or something but nothing major. They don't even follow the CO, they just talk it out and arrange the schedule each month around obligations, family outings etc. Everyone compromises. We have all had dinner together a few times with no issue.
CurlyQ284 I'm sorry you feel like you shouldn't have posted. I understand you were just venting. I misunderstood some of your comments and admittedly, I am sensitive because I, too, was once labeled as a bratty stepdaughter and my stepmom felt like she couldn't give her own daughter everything she wanted to because of my dad's child support/financial situation. It always made me feel like shit. It's great that you and the ex can have a meal together.
And can't we agree- this isn't an easy situation for anyone. Of course it's hard on kids to have to go between two parents and houses- but they're not the only ones in a difficult situation. Saying it's hard to be a stepmother doesn't mean that it's not hard to be a stepchild. They're not mutually exclusive. It just seems like in general, women are looked down on when they say that step parenting is hard.
I completely agree. you can't win because no matter how hard it is for you, somebody is there to point out that it's harder on the kids. i know exactly what you mean.
WOUNDTIGHT I'm not saying I want him to have more, it just seems that the girls get more because of DH compensating and I want things to be more even.
I love the girls, even SD1. She was pretty awful to me from the age of 5 until about 11, she's been mostly wonderful these last few years but old habits come up when she wants something and it can be hurtful. To say some positive things about her, she is gorgeous, she is a wonderful big sister to DS and SD2, she's smart and funny. She and DH have a great bond, which I'm so happy about since they did spend so much time apart. SD2 is so kind hearted and caring of others, she will do anything for a friend or family. She's also smart (honors classes this year!) and funny. She's a wonderful big sister to DS. She's kooky in a Luna Lovegood sort of way if you've seen Harry Potter. She sees things differently and keeps us on our toes. I love having all three kids together.
I never begrudge the child support, it's not even a thought in my mind. It's all the extras on top. Stuff that's optional and if DS asked for it at that age, sometimes I would say no. Or that he has to do chores to earn it, but I don't have a say and DH just wants to give them everything they want. Its hard to budget when I have surprise things come up all the time that I don't think are necessary. Something has to give and it's usually me, I pay the bills and DH has zero involvement (DH problem!) So he has no clue what the deal is, he just swipes the debit card and doesn't thing twice about it.
Their mom is great. I don't know her too well because we've been long distance but I've been getting to know her better since we moved here. I cannot imagine how much she's struggled being a single mom, so I try toby by help as much as I can. She's really nice, any time DH has asked for extra time she agrees. They've never been to court, they're really good about not wanting to "win" all the time. DS even likes her, lol. He's always giggly with her when they do exchanges at the halfway point.
Anyway, I wanted to say some positives to balance out the negative venting from last night. I really think DH has been the main problem. He has not done a good job of balancing everyone in the equation. The girls always come first, which is to be expected but when I've been treated poorly in the past he doesn't back me up, he makes excuses. He's set up the dynamic to be he and SD1 against me (like we agree on something, she doesn't like it, he sides with her secretly and says not to tell me about it and I find out later). We are working on fixing that and he's doing better but it's a lot of work.
CurlyQ284 I love everything you just said. And for the record, from a purely practical standpoint, I think if you need the bigger dresser, you should just take it!
Post by deanlicker78 on Aug 28, 2015 8:43:43 GMT -5
I feel like if I vent that my kids suck any particular day, I'm over being a mom this day...there are a lot of affirmations. Kids suck sometimes, parenting is hard!
If I vent that my SS or SD suck, I am done stepmomming this day, its met with a lot of negativity. Imagine how hard it must be for SS! My step mom sucked when I was growing up, let me tell you horror stories that will sound as though I assume you are making all of these same mistakes!
I vent to my sister because she's also a step mom and she's literally the only person I know IRL that gets it.
I feel like if I vent that my kids suck any particular day, I'm over being a mom this day...there are a lot of affirmations. Kids suck sometimes, parenting is hard!
If I vent that my SS or SD suck, I am done stepmomming this day, its met with a lot of negativity. Imagine how hard it must be for SS! My step mom sucked when I was growing up, let me tell you horror stories that will sound as though I assume you are making all of these same mistakes!
I vent to my sister because she's also a step mom and she's literally the only person I know IRL that gets it.
I feel like if I vent that my kids suck any particular day, I'm over being a mom this day...there are a lot of affirmations. Kids suck sometimes, parenting is hard!
If I vent that my SS or SD suck, I am done stepmomming this day, its met with a lot of negativity. Imagine how hard it must be for SS! My step mom sucked when I was growing up, let me tell you horror stories that will sound as though I assume you are making all of these same mistakes!
I vent to my sister because she's also a step mom and she's literally the only person I know IRL that gets it.
This is basically what I was trying to say. People can say that being a step kid sucks, but it's not ok to say that being a stepmother sucks. And it doesn't all the time, of course. Sometimes it's really great. But it's like we can't say that it's not always great.
Post by sallywalker on Aug 28, 2015 9:31:04 GMT -5
I know that one of the hardest things I experienced as a stepchild was hearing my stepmom reference "her kids" and her step-daughter. It always made me feel like I didn't really belong. My stepdad has always called me his daughter and never used the term step. I think that makes a huge difference.
It was hard for me when my dad and stepmom made changes to my room when I was not there. I think that's a big thing for kids. It's a sense of security.
I can only imagine how hard it is to be a stepmom. My stepmom married my dad when she was 21. She had no clue what she was doing. We are lucky that we are still close, but we had some tough years.
I feel like if I vent that my kids suck any particular day, I'm over being a mom this day...there are a lot of affirmations. Kids suck sometimes, parenting is hard!
If I vent that my SS or SD suck, I am done stepmomming this day, its met with a lot of negativity. Imagine how hard it must be for SS! My step mom sucked when I was growing up, let me tell you horror stories that will sound as though I assume you are making all of these same mistakes!
I vent to my sister because she's also a step mom and she's literally the only person I know IRL that gets it.
This is basically what I was trying to say. People can say that being a step kid sucks, but it's not ok to say that being a stepmother sucks. And it doesn't all the time, of course. Sometimes it's really great. But it's like we can't say that it's not always great.
First, I'm a step kid but not a step mom. I do think it's ok to vent, but I think the reason that people are ok with saying that being a step kid sucks but not that being a stepmom sucks is that step kids don't get a choice in the matter whereas step moms choose to marry a man with kids. Again, though, I do think it's ok to vent.
That said, I do agree with sallywalker re the going out of the way to differentiate between SKs and your kid/ othering the SK. My step mom never missed an opportunity to point out that I'm not her kid, had higher standards for me than my (half) brothers, demanded to exclude me and my (full) brother from vacations because she felt she "deserved to have a vacation with just her family", etc. Venting about step kids is perfectly ok; resenting step kids for existing is not. Othering step kids is not. To be clear, I am NOT saying you're doing any of those things.
That's so interesting to hear about being referred to as a step daughter, rather than daughter. I would have thought dss would have felt like I was trying to overstep his mother.
That's so interesting to hear about being referred to as a step daughter, rather than daughter. I would have thought dss would have felt like I was trying to overstep his mother.
That's exactly what I was trying to say. I just asked SS on his opinion and he said he doesn't get upset when I say stepkid because it's accurate.
I think blended families have come a long way in the past 20 years. "Step" doesn't have the same stigma for kids that it used to.
In my case, it was "These are my sons, and this is [my dad's name]'s daughter." I'd probably have been ok with stepdaughter, because that's accurate but still indicates I'm her family. Semantics? Yes. But it mattered to 10 yr old me.
That's so interesting to hear about being referred to as a step daughter, rather than daughter. I would have thought dss would have felt like I was trying to overstep his mother.
I know in my situation that I knew my mom was my mom and no one could replace her. It was more of a sense that my step mom made a point to show that I was not really hers. I was "different". When you are with your step siblings and your dad and step mom and you are the only one made to feel different, it makes you feel like you are "less".
ETA. With my stepdad, he always introduced me as his daughter. I knew he knew he wasn't my real dad, but it always felt nice knowing that he thinks of me as his own. We both know that I am his step daughter but it was never made as a point.
I know that one of the hardest things I experienced as a stepchild was hearing my stepmom reference "her kids" and her step-daughter. It always made me feel like I didn't really belong. My stepdad has always called me his daughter and never used the term step. I think that makes a huge difference.
It was hard for me when my dad and stepmom made changes to my room when I was not there. I think that's a big thing for kids. It's a sense of security.
I can only imagine how hard it is to be a stepmom. My stepmom married my dad when she was 21. She had no clue what she was doing. We are lucky that we are still close, but we had some tough years.
Lol It bothers my son when when my H refers to him as his son because he felt as though he was trying to take his Dad's place.
This is basically what I was trying to say. People can say that being a step kid sucks, but it's not ok to say that being a stepmother sucks. And it doesn't all the time, of course. Sometimes it's really great. But it's like we can't say that it's not always great.
First, I'm a step kid but not a step mom. I do think it's ok to vent, but I think the reason that people are ok with saying that being a step kid sucks but not that being a stepmom sucks is that step kids don't get a choice in the matter whereas step moms choose to marry a man with kids. Again, though, I do think it's ok to vent.
Well yes, but also, my kids didn't get to choose to be born. They had no choice in the matter. I made the choice to be a mom. Just like I chose to marry someone with kids. I should be free to say any of my kids are sucking the life out of me, free from judgement no matter if they are mine by birth or marriage.
i used daughter and stepdaughter interchangeably and never corrected anybody who referred to her as my daughter. we were in an weird situation, though, since she was very young when she started distancing herself from her real mom.
First, I'm a step kid but not a step mom. I do think it's ok to vent, but I think the reason that people are ok with saying that being a step kid sucks but not that being a stepmom sucks is that step kids don't get a choice in the matter whereas step moms choose to marry a man with kids. Again, though, I do think it's ok to vent.
Well yes, but also, my kids didn't get to choose to be born. They had no choice in the matter. I made the choice to be a mom. Just like I chose to marry someone with kids. I should be free to say any of my kids are sucking the life out of me, free from judgement no matter if they are mine by birth or marriage.
Absolutely. Which is why I said that it is ok to vent. I was just offering an explanation as to why people (rightly or wrongly) sympathize with one but not the other.
Post by karmasabiotch on Aug 28, 2015 13:37:31 GMT -5
I met my SS when he was 4 and I just eased into his life and took on the friend role. I ever said anything bad about his Mom. He confided in me more than he did his Mom or Dad and I kept all of his secrets. We never had any issues except when we let his older brother move in for a while but he was going to be homeless if we didn't. My SS will be 17 on Nov. and I think it all worked out pretty well. My family embraced him and treated him the same way that would have with my DS. My only bit of sadness is he never moved in with us. I figured when he became a teen he would go through a stage where he hated his Mom and our grass was greener. I love that kid to pieces.
ETA: He had his problems with my H (shocker) but I always stayed out of it and let them try to work through it. I would jump in when I thought my H was way off base but never in front of my SS. Sometimes I wonder if I'm closer to him than my H.
Absolutely. Which is why I said that it is ok to vent. I was just offering an explanation as to why people (rightly or wrongly) sympathize with one but not the other.
I can promise you that very few stepmoms know what it will be like to parent step kids as they get older, dynamics with their mom change, you have your own kids, etc. Yes, I "signed up for" agreeing to marry the love of my life even though he had a child. I had no idea her mom would move 13 times in the next 7 years, or her mom would be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and behave really bizarrely towards her daughter and us, or any of the other million difficult things that have happened. I wouldn't change the choice I made, but it's so unfair to act like I shouldn't feel or express that it's been hard, or ever be able to think about my own experience without first qualifying my SD's experience because I chose to marry my husband.
Post by wanderlustmom on Aug 28, 2015 15:12:08 GMT -5
My mom, who is laid back and not wired for overreaction, said step parenting was one of the hardest things she's ever done. My half sister said my mom did some things right but also messed up. I think that's fair.
Then my parents went and divorced and I got two step parents myself. My step mom (got her at 12) was never critical and never tried to be my mom. She didn't interfere with my relationship with my dad (it was kind of detached anyway). We weren't close but I actually do feel fairly close to her as an adult. I would have preferred her to be a bit less boundaried--but I respect her positive regard for me and my mom. My step sisters (older) blamed my dad for the break up of their parents marriage and took it out on me and little sister. That was my hardest blended family adjustment. That was miserable because we didn't tell anybody.
I agree with the poster about the Internet double standard. Since I am married, I can vent all day long about my kids but my mom would have been criticized if she had complained as a step mom. I do think blended families are complicated---no way around it. But I have two half siblings, one full sibling and seven step siblings and there is a lot of love. I would never change it. DHs parents are happily married and he has one sister. Even he agrees my blended family is really awesome.
I can promise you that very few stepmoms know what it will be like to parent step kids as they get older, dynamics with their mom change, you have your own kids, etc. Yes, I "signed up for" agreeing to marry the love of my life even though he had a child. I had no idea her mom would move 13 times in the next 7 years, or her mom would be diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and behave really bizarrely towards her daughter and us, or any of the other million difficult things that have happened. I wouldn't change the choice I made, but it's so unfair to act like I shouldn't feel or express that it's been hard, or ever be able to think about my own experience without first qualifying my SD's experience because I chose to marry my husband.
I agree with you; it isn't fair. You have every right to talk about it being hard.