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[lemons]

I'm a recent widow and struggling to start over. Our friends disappeared not too long after he was diagnosed with cancer. It wasn't a big deal at the time because we had each other. Now it's not so great having no friends.

I'm meeting with a few widows tonight that reached out, but they're all much older with kids so I don't know if we'll have much in common outside of being widows.

Any tips?

[cuddlyevil]

{{{{{HUG}}}}}

I don't have a lot of tips. Just go into it with an open mind. Having one thing in common is a start and it might be good for all of you.

[calle28]

No tips either.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[bg]

First, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Tips in terms of meeting with the other widows or for making new friends in general? With this group of women, I agree about going in with an open mind. Otherwise, are there other hobbies/interests that you can turn to that might give you opportunities to meet new people?

[Deleted]

I'm so sorry to here this. I agree with goingin with an open mind. I'm not sure how old you are but I'm in my mid-thirties and find I can have close friendships with women of many ages. So I hope you are able to make a connection of sorts.

[lemons]

I'm in mid-30's and they're in their 50's. I'm going into it with an open mind and will see what happens. So far the online discussions have only been about kids and they feel sorry for me that I lost my husband so young.

I've joined widow groups on FB and looking into local support group to work thru the grieving. But I don't want everything to be about grieving either.

This weekend, though, I have plans to do absolutely nothing except sleep, eat, and watch tv.

[jojoandleo]

I don't know how to help you with the grieving aspect. I am so sorry for your loss. As to the friends, good riddance! Anyone who would walk away from a friendship because of cancer is an asshole.

For the social aspect- join meet ups, post for GTG on here to see if anyone here is near you, go out and do what you like to do! I like to drink my feelings (super healthy, I know) and have made a few lifelong friends from going out. You outdoorsy? Go to a rock climbing facility and talk to strangers! Artsy? Take an art class! The thing is, you have to talk to strangers, which is HARD, but worth it. Tell a girl at work/class/the gym you like her shoes and go from there.

[jigsy]

I agree with others re: having an open mind.
IIRC - you lost your H not too long ago, so it might be too soon for for this but...
In your post, you say your a widow and that's how you're meeting new people...and while yes, widow is one title you now hold, you are so much more than just that one thing.
Maybe you feel that best describes you right now, and that is ok, but when you're ready, I think it would be great to explore the other parts of yourself, and you can meet people that way. Are you lemons - an avid reader? Join a book club. Lemons - outdoor enthusiast? Try a hiking meetup or whatever is in your area.

[1confused1]

I don't have any advice, but I wanted to say welcome!

[lemons]

I'm not sure what I enjoy any more...I'll have to figure that out. The last 3 years were consumed with cancer and caregiving. We loved hiking and exploring in the mountains but I'm not sure I'm going to be up for that any time soon. I almost joined a hiking meet up group but I think I need to wait with that one. No one's going to want to hike with a sobbing widow lol. Maybe in a year I'll be able to hike the familiar trails with a smile rather than tears, but not yet.

I haven't read a book in years...really haven't done much except caregiving the past few years with an occasional mountain getaway.

I have a meet up on Saturday mornings with some ladies from my church, but again, I don't "fit in" because they're all married with young children and children fill up the discussions. I especially don't fit in now because I'll be the only single one in the group. We went thru IF treatments so sometimes it's hard to just discuss kids all morning. :-)

[lemons]

Sept 9, 2015 12:59:37 GMT -5 jigsy said:

I agree with others re: having an open mind.
IIRC - you lost your H not too long ago, so it might be too soon for for this but...
In your post, you say your a widow and that's how you're meeting new people...and while yes, widow is one title you now hold, you are so much more than just that one thing.
Maybe you feel that best describes you right now, and that is ok, but when you're ready, I think it would be great to explore the other parts of yourself, and you can meet people that way. Are you lemons - an avid reader? Join a book club. Lemons - outdoor enthusiast? Try a hiking meetup or whatever is in your area.

Yeah, I know "widow" doesn't define me. Just thought it'd be helpful to include in my welcome as to why I'm "starting over." My cousin is also a young widow and she recommended I find other widows to meet with, which is why I'm meeting these ladies for dinner tonight. She found ladies her age, though, and they all have kids in the same school.

[redredwine]

My best friend is a young widow and sadly, I know several others as well through her (military). I think whatever you do, whomever you meet, it's important to try and not compare yourself to anyone else. I think that goes for anyone who's starting over, widow or divorced. Just because they may have remarried 2 years after they lost their husband doesn't mean you're broken if you're not even interested in dating anyone for 5 years. Everyone's journey is different. It's so hard to not compare, or maybe even get bitter/jealous because someone moved on and you're still figuring out how to make it through the day.
Also, grief is a funny thing with no rhythm or reason. There's not wrong or right way to experience grief.

what part of the country are you in, if you don't mind sharing?

[Deleted]

Hugs. I'm sorry for your loss and all you and your H went through-I understand that it's a living nightmare while you are going through it. Being a widow at any age is hard; especially when you've been a caretaker to someone so sick. I'm sorry your friends sucked and disappeared. Sometimes people don't know what to say or do so they (cowardly) back away and forget that you need them. 
While I have not personally lived it, I was exposed to the situation in my family.  
My mom was widowed at 35 (I was 5 when my dad passed from cancer).  Then she remarried about 4 years later. She was widowed again (after 23 years of marriage) when my stepdad passed from leukemia nearly 2 years ago. Most of our family pulled a disappearing act. 
Give yourself the time you need for whatever it is that you need.  Good luck meeting some new women.  There are other meet ups too which people here suggest, which could also be good when you're ready.  Be good to yourself...you deserve it. 

[frontbutt]

Sept 9, 2015 12:15:28 GMT -5 lemons said:

I've joined widow groups on FB and looking into local support group to work thru the grieving. 

I am sorry to hear about your husband. I think it's great you've joined some support groups for people in the same situation. May I suggest Meetup.com? I've found lots of groups that fit my interests, like a young Jewish professionals group and even an expat group in the country I'll be moving to next year. My hope is that I'll have a chance to meet many different interesting people. I've also met some wonderful ladies in my Zumba class at the gym. At first, I was really shy, but once I opened up a little they started inviting me to places. It's helped me the most, I think - to be around other people socially. I am sorry your other friends left you high and dry My college friends did a similar thing to me, and it's taken me a long time to find people I really value as friends and acquaintances. Thank God for the internet

[abcdefu]

I am so sorry for your loss.

I was in a therapy group while I was in college. The counselor always reminded us to not focus on each others differences, but concentrate on the similarities of why you are all in group together because that will produce the most support out of all the members.

I know it's easier said than done, but just take it one day at a time. Those so called "friends" suck! Friends are supposed to step up during hard times; not runaway. I hope you can find peace and new people to hang out.

[redshoejune]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[awick14]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[bl]

I am so sorry for your loss, and welcome to the board. If it is hard for you to be around other people in groups where they discuss kids often then try to find some other groups if possible. Meetup groups are great and you might find a new activity that interests you or a new friend by just stepping out and doing something that sounds interesting. Just because other people have found widow groups to be helpful that might not be whats best for you.

[katieido]

i'm so sorry for your loss and what you have been through. I think you're doing all the right stuff, and it will just take time. Take whatever amount of time that feels right for you. I encourage you to keep coming here for support, i think having multiple safe outlets to discuss what you're feeling can only have a positive effect, even if it is small.

[Deleted]

No tips, I'm just very sorry for your loss.

[cam13]

I'm sorry for your loss ::hugs::

My Mom is a widow and talking with other widows is so therapeutic for her. We lost my Dad to cancer and his hospital and the hospice we used were able to provide her with information about support groups.