How to handle the uncertain/brain dump

[UnderProtest]

So last night my husband starts telling me about a conversation he had with his US boss about us moving back.  He tells me the following things:
1.  Our assignment could be extended 9-12 months.
2.  Or it could not.
3.  The company international assignment policy has changed so we might not be able to afford to stay even if he was extended.
4.  But the US lead is looking into continuing our assignment terms.
5.  We could go back to Atlanta, Seattle, Philadelphia (okay, I knew about the first two, Philly is two close to the in laws) or NYC (Where did this come from and this is one city we both aren't interested in/I'm not a big city person) or the city we came from (which we were told was not an option before).

I don't even know what to do with myself.  I admit that I haven't handled this move as well as I thought I would and it has been a lot tougher settling in.  I'm also generally not good with change anyway.  I don't know how to process this all and what to do with myself.  

[audette]

We're in a similar place ourselves (although not overseas anymore, but a similar level of uncertainty). We are waiting on a list to be posted that will tell us if DH is going to be asked to leave the military in 18-20-ish months, maybe with some form of pension, or not. If the list goes DH's way, then we'll be sticking with the military for at least 4-5 more years, at which point he will have fully earned a pension. Neither pension options are enough to live on, so we'd be looking at finding additional career/income/jobs/whatever, and doing so in whatever location we find that would have opportunities for us. The list should have come out last month, but it apparently was postponed to "sometime in September".

We are both stupidly stressed by it. DH has never worked a professional job outside the military, so he's scared of having to look for work. Until the last year, it looked like my job might be a good fall-back, but things aren't looking so rosy at my job right now. Nor are things looking very good in the industry where my skills would be most marketable.



I'm trying to not let it get to me, but I don't really have any real outlets for the stress. We're still new enough here (since our last move) that I have few close friends that are nearby, and none of them understand the crazy that is the military. There is other stuff going on in my family that is much more consuming than my stress, so I don't want to burden them. I probably should take up some form of working out... I think that has been helping DH.

Otherwise, I'm trying to prepare what I can, but also trying not to go overboard. I'm starting to prep for a potential job hunt. I don't know where I'll be looking yet, but I can at least start updating my resume. I can attempt to boost our savings, in the hopes of having more capital to ease whatever/whenever the next transition happens. I'm looking into a few of the communities where we might look at moving if DH leaves the military - looking at housing costs, employers, etc... It's all I really can do at this time.

[soso]

Both of you sure do have a lot of uncertainly right now!

My therapist used to say "but what if it DOES work out" when I'd spiral. For now, can you list some A, B., C, D's... like IF the job is extended AND the policy changes, you will most likely do X. If you are transferred to one of the "no way" cities then you will most likely do Z. That way you can explore options but remain flexible and know where you are once decisions that are made out of your control are made.

Best wishes.

[1yeartogo]

Honestly if I was in your situation I would start researching like hell. Knowing more about the cities and options open to you may help you to feel more comfortable with whatever options you have. Try to look at cool things about each place to reinforce positives (instead of just focusing on uncertainty). Sorry your going through this!

[curbsideprophet]

I would try to start listing out pros and cons of each scenario. Will you get any say in the matter?

[UnderProtest]

audette I think you have a very similar situation despite very different industries. I feel like we are always waiting on the higher ups to make a decision on our lives.

We will have very little say in where we go. My husband goes where the business decides they need him. I think that is some of my frustration. We would be fine in most scenarios, it's not like any of them are world ending. I just don't know how to deal with not knowing. I am a planner and this goes against my nature.

[audette]

Sept 10, 2015 15:09:46 GMT -5 UnderProtest said:

audette I think you have a very similar situation despite very different industries. I feel like we are always waiting on the higher ups to make a decision on our lives.

We will have very little say in where we go. My husband goes where the business decides they need him. I think that is some of my frustration. We would be fine in most scenarios, it's not like any of them are world ending. I just don't know how to deal with not knowing. I am a planner and this goes against my nature.

That phrase "We will have very little say in where we go" is a _very_ familiar one to me...  Every dang move hits us with it's unpredictability.

If moving (wherever it'll be to, but moving) is your biggest concern, one of the phrases I use to help me deal with that stress is one I picked up after our first move - "Bloom where you're planted".  No matter where we move, each time I seek out folks with similar interests, and do my best to keep doing the things that I find joy in doing (probably one of the reasons I'm so crazy with the knitting...).  And you know what?  Every move has offered some chance to do that.  Not always the same in each place, and it's always a bit different, but I can always find a few things that make me feel comfy in the new area/place.

So, the one of the things you have facing you right now is that you don't know if you'll be moving soon, or later (it sounds like a move at some point is certain, just not the when detail is known).  But, you do know that when you move it will be to one of only a handful of places.  It might help you feel more in control of things now if you were to look up information about those cities.  Figure out some cool sites at them, neat places to take your kids, places for weekend trips from there, what housing and schools are like, etc.  Figure out what hobbies you might be interested in continuing or exploring in each.  Maybe see if there is a community college that offers some cool continuing ed courses...  Focus more on the good than bad of each place - everywhere you move will have some things you won't like so much, but it's the good stuff that makes it enjoyable, and really, a chunk of folks must feel the good outweighs the bad if there are other people there...    Who knows - maybe at some point your husband will be asked if he has a preference among the cities he could be assigned to, and knowing this information could be pretty useful.  (maybe this is a long shot, I don't know, but it might still be a possibility)

In the meantime, try not to stress about the when.  That will get decided one way or the other, and as you said, there's not much you can do about it...

[dcn]

My DH is in the military and I feel like every couple of years there is this major question as to where we will move, when, and then throw in the uncertainty of promotions which has an effect on all the other things.

After ten years, I find I cope best by researching and making lists. I create a budget based on expected salary and housing. I look at houses online, do a job search for myself etc. I contact friends who have been to those areas before and get the scoop on schools, shopping, jobs, restaurants etc. having all of that helps me feel a little more in control, even if at the end of the day I have none.

I also have become very flexible because even despite all of that planning sometimes we get "oh you are going to abc which wasn't ever in any scenario we gave you. Oh and you have to be there in six weeks." It is stressful but if I focus on the negatives it just makes it worse.

The waiting is the worst. I'm sorry! I hope you'll get some answers soon so you can at least move forward with a plan.

[imojoebunny]

I don't have anything super to add from experience, but I can commiserate. DH keeps getting offers all over the world, and each time, we consider them, sometimes quite seriously, and decide to stay in Atlanta. Our life here is just too good to leave, but it keeps getting more and more tempting for both money and experiences.

Don't be afraid to own who you are. Your DH is obviously a talented guy, so look for a place on your next move you can both settle and stay, where your Dh will have the opportunities he is suited for. It is not a "weakness" to not want to globe trot every few years, it is a legitimate decision many people make. My brother decided to travel every week and live where he loves and his family loves vs. having his family move around, and it has been a great decision for them, but would not be for our family. Know your limits and look for opportunities that work for them.

The short version of that is to have an honest talk with your DH about your limits. We all have them. One of my friends has lived in 6 different places in 9 years, in 3 countries, while having 3 kids, and is finally settling in a place more long terml. She handles it all very well, I would be a basket case.