What was your first step to separating/divorce?

[Deleted]

I intro'd a while back. I've been on the fence for a long time with my marriage, but we have 2 small kids, so it's hard to just walk away. Today I think I'm just done. I don't know how the hell I'll work anything out or what will happen, but I just can't keep being miserable. *deleting details, just in case*

My question is, once you were ready to move on, what was the first step you took? Did you call a lawyer right away, physically separate first, try to work out an agreement first? I feel so overwhelmed, but I need to do something to change this sh*tty situation. TIA!

[Deleted]

I just ripped the bandaid off and told him I wasn't going to try to make things better anymore and that I wanted a divorce. Luckily, he was moving overseas in a few days and I was going to be moving overseas as well 2 months later, so I didn't have to worry about a place to stay. But I had it in my mind that I would stay with a friend if I needed to do so.

I didn't worry about getting a lawyer right away since we didn't have kids or many assets. But if I had kids or assets I would've consulted a lawyer first in order to make sure I wasn't going to do anything that would hurt with custody or assets in the future.

[bl]

We had agreed on a separation first, so he signed a lease for an apartment and had a move out date. A week or so before the move out some things came to light and I just flat out told him that I would be contacting a divorce on the following Monday and separation with possible reconciliation was no longer on the table. We had no kids and minimal assets to split which I am sure made it much simpler.

[cuddlyevil]

I got myself into therapy. Then I had an ongoing conversation with him (after the second talk he would say "this AGAIN?!?".

But I met with an attorney and worked out a budget so I knew when I could move out.

[bg]

My situation is a bit different because DH just moved out without a discussion and then filed for divorce without a discussion. I don't recommend that. :-P

I don't remember, but would he do couples counseling? Sometimes that helps with breaking up and keeping everything calm(er).

Do you think your DH will be open to working together to come up with an agreement? You could attempt that route first or work with a mediator and if that doesn't work go the lawyer route.

Or, if it makes you feel better to meet with a lawyer first to get a better understanding of what you'll need to do, you could do that too. Wandering makes good points about protecting yourself.

[Deleted]

Sept 13, 2015 13:49:28 GMT -5 bg said:

My situation is a bit different because DH just moved out without a discussion and then filed for divorce without a discussion. I don't recommend that. :-P

I don't remember, but would he do couples counseling? Sometimes that helps with breaking up and keeping everything calm(er).

Do you think your DH will be open to working together to come up with an agreement? You could attempt that route first or work with a mediator and if that doesn't work go the lawyer route.

Or, if it makes you feel better to meet with a lawyer first to get a better understanding of what you'll need to do, you could do that too. Wandering makes good points about protecting yourself.

My H goes back and forth between denying there's any problem and claiming he's going to get tons of counselling to "fix" everything, so I'm not sure if he would work with me or not. I've been hesitating on taking a serious step because I'm afraid it'll get ugly. I'm just not sure. I don't feel like I know him at all. (Part of why I want a divorce.)

[cuddlyevil]

@leftie22, I put couples counseling on the table with the knowledge that I was probably done. But I wanted to give him one more shot. He denied there was an issue too...right up until when he found out I had seen a therapist more than once

The counselor did help us avoid much of the ugliness.

[tevagirl]

EH initiated our divorce by announcing one day he was going to file. He was suddenly very angry with me. He wanted me to move out immediately, I refused. We lived awkwardly together for 2 months and then he quit coming home. DD and I moved in with my parents shortly after that because I needed childcare help. He moved back into the house later. I ended up being the one to file because he never did and I wanted child support. I filed 6 months after he told me he was done.

Later I found out he had been cheating on me. I suspected early on in the separation, but he denied it.

[Deleted]

Sept 13, 2015 13:58:08 GMT -5 cuddlyevil said:

@leftie22, I put couples counseling on the table with the knowledge that I was probably done. But I wanted to give him one more shot. He denied there was an issue too...right up until when he found out I had seen a therapist more than once

The counselor did help us avoid much of the ugliness.

Thanks, that helps to hear. I think I'll look into getting a mediator before I even try to talk to H about the kids. I really feel for everyone else who has been in this situation. It's so rotten, and so hard to know what's going to be the best for everyone. Especially the kids. They love their dad and I feel like no matter what I do it's going to hurt them. I'm feeling so sad.  

[alleinesein]

First step- Find out what the laws are in your state. Every state has a different time line for divorce and some states require that you file for a legal separation first. It will also give you an idea of what filing fees you will need to pay. Once you do that you can look into a mediator to save both of you some $$. You will need something spelled out regarding custody and child support so it is worth it to have something drawn up legally.

[pinkdutchtulips]

The restraining order

[glynn]

Look-up laws in your state. I got a lawyer about a month after I found out he wanted out to get the 90 days in. He said he wanted to agree on stuff then his sisters got involved and now we are heading to mediation in 3 weeks. It sucks but you can do it if you want out.