Post by TrickyBob on Sept 15, 2015 21:35:51 GMT -5
Hi, I was briefly here last year and then gave my marriage a shot and now I am back. Still married though.
We are in the middle of a major move (100 miles away) (into my parents house) and since he works full time, I have been packing the house but due to a lot of stuff pertaining to the house I need him around.
At any rate, my plan is to KOKO and get a job in the new town and go from there.
Everyone keeps asking me when am I getting divorced? Why didn't I kick him out? Why am I not the only one moving, etc.
I know my marriage is basically over, I know it will end in divorce. I am just not ready yet. I lurked around a little on surviving infidelity and it was nice to see them say that it doesn't need to happen right this minute, it doesn't need to happen 6 months from now, but instead when you are ready.
I just feel like everyone is mad? Upset? With me that he is still here. But I need time to keep coming to terms with the fact that I am over all of this. He may not be or says he isn't but as each day passes; I am.
And the stupid part is he is my best friend. I like him when he isn't trying to sleep with me or groping me or really even touching me. He would make a much better friend than husband. We get along fantastic - when we get along.
Post by TrickyBob on Sept 15, 2015 21:59:36 GMT -5
It is within the same state.
Fear holds me back. Wishing he would magically grow a pair and man up and be a husband holds me back.
We will pretty much literally be starting over at my parent's. New jobs, no more 3rd shift which makes him a raging asshole about work. No more falling a part house that has been a huge factor of stress and arguments for 5 years. That he hasn't physically cheated on me but has made attempts on tinder and craigslist of talking to people. I feel like if he physically cheated, I could come to terms with it being over right that moment. That sounds horrible but I feel like it'd be more cut and dry.
I guess I keep waiting to see if things change. My Dad had once told me to give the marriage 5 years and if we aren't happy, walk away. Next July will be 5 years married, 7 together.
I hope beyond hope that once I get a job there and am settled into a familiar place with support, family and friends that making a final decision will be easier.
I feel like I am supposed to have a clear answer and that people will just assume I am a push over because he isn't out on his ass. I know and you're right, fuck their opinions but man.
Sorry, a lot of this is just rambling. It is hard and sucks and I don't really have others to talk it out with.
It took me more than a year to move out, I was so afraid. My best friend told me that the only pressure to act fast came from me and that I needed to stop pressuring myself. When I was truly ready, I got out. (And I'm still in doubt sometimes)
First, I'm sorry you're going through this. Second, I know exactly how you feel. I could write your post almost word for word. It's ok to not be ready. It's not a life threatening situation that you must leave now. You have to do what is right for you and when it's right for you.
For the people who kept asking me why, I told them that I am figuring out for myself first and eventually all the questions stopped.
You are not a push over. You love this man and had faith in him. That just doesn't go away in a hot second.
Basically, just KOKO and do what you want, when you want. There is no right or wrong way to go about handling this. The only way to handle it is how you want and that is ok.
Post by cuddlyevil on Sept 16, 2015 7:52:13 GMT -5
Also, I want to say that my stbx is the same--we would've been better off as friends than spouses. It's totally, 100% okay to leave a guy who isn't a "bad guy". Your reasons are your own and they are valid, you don't need to explain yourself to anyone.
People are always stunned when I say "Don't be" in response to their apologizing when I tell them we split up. I am way better off now that I was even a year ago. It will get better, even if it looks grim now--it will get better.
Regarding him being a friend... One of the reasons XH and I stayed together for so long is that we really liked each other. We just didn't make a good couple. We had an amicable split, and we agreed that we wanted to stay friends. And we did. He moved recently, but before that we even hung out once in a while.
As for other people... Remind yourself that they don't matter. Sometimes it's worth reminding them that you're okay with a decision you've made. We had a few people who were noticeably bothered by the fact that XH and I are still on good terms. Sometimes I just had to say point blank, "Yeah, we realized we're much better as friends. In fact, we get along sooo much better now than we did when we were married." Some people still didn't get it, but most people let it be. Regardless of how things end up, it's important to remember that how YOU feel is way more important than how anyone else feels. (I wish my mother understood that!)
Post by 1confused1 on Sept 16, 2015 14:52:44 GMT -5
I wanted to say sorry you're here and ditto a lot of what others have said.
It took me 2 years and multiple separations to finally decide I was done. *I* needed to feel like *I* had done everything *I* could to make sure *I* was really done with the marriage. It's not an easy decision and no one should pressure you or push you into making one.
Hang in there and best of luck with all your new changes.
Ending (or not ending) a marriage is not an easy decision. No matter the issues involved. Everyone will have an opinion on what THEY would do, but in the end, do what feels right to you.