Did you know when your marriage was over?

[AuntFlo]

DH came to me about 6 mo ago and said that he wasn't sure he wanted kids, so I told him that wasn't an option for me and if he really felt that way we should go our separate ways.

Fast forward to now and I feel like we haven't made any progress. We have been in counseling, and he decided that he is open to the idea of kids again, but is still unsure about our future. I just don't know how much longer I should hang on. On one hand I don't want to give up on my marriage because we still love each other, but in the other I don't want to just hang on and be left with no marriage and no kids if things go south. 

If if it makes a difference, we are both still in love with each other and find the idea of not being together almost unbearable, but not having kids is not an option for me. It basically comes down to me being willing to wait on him to decide on the timing for kids. He swears that when his company gets off the ground he will be ready(and he really thinks that it will take off within the next year) but do I just wait and see? Does that make me a total chump? I just find the idea of giving up and letting go so hard when there is nothing that has happened (like infidelity) to make the break easier.

How do I know when, or if, to let go?

[frontbutt]

Ugh. This is not an easy decision. I think people will fall into two camps, especially if you are not really willing to compromise:

1) Separate now, hopefully amicably. This is where I pretty much fell with my STBX. He kept saying "someday" until it turned into "never" - well, I want kids. It wasn't the only factor in my decision to divorce, but it was something I considered in the larger picture. Our life goals didn't align.

OR

2) Stay and either A) give up your dream of kids and be miserable (or eventually realize you don't want them anyway) or B) have a child with him against his wishes - he will either come to be happy about the child or he will grow to resent you. Not to mention it would be a major breach of trust...and an awful thing to do.

Just remember, you don't need a "good" reason to end a marriage. My STBX didn't hit me, cheat on me, or abuse me in any way. When I visualized my future, I just didn't see him in the one I wanted. I would really give yourself a lot of space to think and consider what you want, not just what he wants.

[AuntFlo]

Sept 16, 2015 21:43:35 GMT -5 @32flavors said:

Is kids really your only issue? If I was had been totally happy with my xh a year would have been worth waiting. Are you in a period of your life where a year may make a difference in your fertility?

Not necessarily from a fertility standpoint, but it might not just be a year. I think that's what gets me. I just don't want to wait for an indeterminate amount of time and still be left empty handed when I finally say enough.

There is always that slim chance that everything goes according to plan, but how many things in life go that way? And do I want to spend the rest of my life with someone who only wants to be with me when things are going right?

[Deleted]

All I can say is don't have kids with someone who "may" not want kids. Parenthood is amazing, but so, so difficult. Parenting where one person isn't 100% committed to having kids would just be terrible. My H wanted kids, and it has still been really hard. It's something that requires so much time and dedication that you both need to be really sure, and have a really solid relationship. I'm saying this as someone who wishes I had had even more discussions about kids with my H - like beyond whether or not we wanted them. I wish we had talked more about our roles, attitudes on raising kids, etc.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. But if kids are non-negotiable to you and he's on the fence, that's a pretty big deal breaker. Also, he might say he wants them "if" or "when" xyz happens, just because he doesn't want to lose you. That's not the same as him actually discovering that he wants kids. Sorry, I know that's probably not what you want to hear. But it would suck to not have kids if you really want them.

[Deleted]

I'll admit that I don't have any desire to have children. But if I was so in love with someone that not being with them would be unbearable I can't imagine giving that up if there were no other issues. Honestly it sounds like he's just telling you want you want to hear to keep the marriage. You can't therapy your way to wanting kids. And if you have kids and he isn't truly on board then that will likely ruin your marriage. If kids are truly more important to you than your marriage then why stay?

[katieido]

I found it very difficult to finally admit to myself it was over, and prolonged the inevitable far too long; out of a sense of obligation, loyalty, caretaking drive. It was a bumpy and painful road to reaching the point of resolve.
it helped to hear outside perspectives of what they saw as the toll it was taking on me. But i also had to reach the conclusion on my own and believe "enough is enough, this is not acceptable for my life going forward."

[starburst604]

Sept 16, 2015 22:49:34 GMT -5 @leftie22 said:

All I can say is don't have kids with someone who "may" not want kids. Parenthood is amazing, but so, so difficult. Parenting where one person isn't 100% committed to having kids would just be terrible. My H wanted kids, and it has still been really hard. It's something that requires so much time and dedication that you both need to be really sure, and have a really solid relationship. I'm saying this as someone who wishes I had had even more discussions about kids with my H - like beyond whether or not we wanted them. I wish we had talked more about our roles, attitudes on raising kids, etc.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. But if kids are non-negotiable to you and he's on the fence, that's a pretty big deal breaker. Also, he might say he wants them "if" or "when" xyz happens, just because he doesn't want to lose you. That's not the same as him actually discovering that he wants kids. Sorry, I know that's probably not what you want to hear. But it would suck to not have kids if you really want them.

This is where my thoughts went. We had some infertility issues and our DD was very, very much wanted by us both and it is STILL so hard on our marriage. Not the point where I am concerned about it, but I can't imagine the impact it would have if one of us had been only sorta into the idea of having a child or our relationship was shaky prior to having her. It requires an amazing amount of sacrifice and I think that could breed a lot of resentment - from him over the enormous life changes and from you when you have a co-parent who is less dedicated and enthused than you are.

What are his reasons for being unsure? Is it financial/career related or is he just not feeling the desire to be a parent? If it's the later, I'm not sure he'll one day be all yay I can't wait to be a dad!!

[starburst604]

Sept 17, 2015 7:24:23 GMT -5 TR said:

I've been thinking about this a lot lately in my own life and these are somethings I've considered.

You say not having kids is not an option for you, do you really mean that? If you divorce your husband and don't meet anyone else, will you have a baby by yourself? What if you couldn't conceive, would you adopt?

I think this is apples to oranges. When someone doesn't have kids because they didn't meet the right person in time to have them is different from being married to a person you would like to have kids with but they don't want to. The second scenario doesn't allow her to exercise the option of trying to find someone who shares her goals, or even doing it on her own if she wants to.

[AuntFlo]

Sept 17, 2015 7:24:23 GMT -5 TR said:

I've been thinking about this a lot lately in my own life and these are somethings I've considered.

You say not having kids is not an option for you, do you really mean that? If you divorce your husband and don't meet anyone else, will you have a baby by yourself? What if you couldn't conceive, would you adopt?

Yes to it all. I have PCOS so I know conceiving won't be easy, but I have always wanted to adopt regardless if I can have bio children or not. I would consider adopting even if I don't find the right person to marry.

[AuntFlo]

Sept 17, 2015 10:00:51 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

Sept 16, 2015 22:49:34 GMT -5 @leftie22 said:

All I can say is don't have kids with someone who "may" not want kids. Parenthood is amazing, but so, so difficult. Parenting where one person isn't 100% committed to having kids would just be terrible. My H wanted kids, and it has still been really hard. It's something that requires so much time and dedication that you both need to be really sure, and have a really solid relationship. I'm saying this as someone who wishes I had had even more discussions about kids with my H - like beyond whether or not we wanted them. I wish we had talked more about our roles, attitudes on raising kids, etc.

I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. But if kids are non-negotiable to you and he's on the fence, that's a pretty big deal breaker. Also, he might say he wants them "if" or "when" xyz happens, just because he doesn't want to lose you. That's not the same as him actually discovering that he wants kids. Sorry, I know that's probably not what you want to hear. But it would suck to not have kids if you really want them.

This is where my thoughts went. We had some infertility issues and our DD was very, very much wanted by us both and it is STILL so hard on our marriage. Not the point where I am concerned about it, but I can't imagine the impact it would have if one of us had been only sorta into the idea of having a child or our relationship was shaky prior to having her. It requires an amazing amount of sacrifice and I think that could breed a lot of resentment - from him over the enormous life changes and from you when you have a co-parent who is less dedicated and enthused than you are.

What are his reasons for being unsure? Is it financial/career related or is he just not feeling the desire to be a parent? If it's the later, I'm not sure he'll one day be all yay I can't wait to be a dad!!

His reasons are kind of hard to explain here. Basically he wants to have his own business that allows him to have the flexible lifestyle he needs. And I meed NEEDS, not wants. He has never had a 9-5 job (worked in O&G) and he would be incredible unhappy with all that routine.

I worry a lot about parenting with someone who is less dedicated, or that he would resent us because we cramp his lifestyle.

Basically I am just having a really tough time giving up. I feel unsure and I don't want to let go of I am not sure.

[starburst604]

Sept 17, 2015 11:07:29 GMT -5 AuntFlo said:

Sept 17, 2015 10:00:51 GMT -5 starburst604 said:

This is where my thoughts went. We had some infertility issues and our DD was very, very much wanted by us both and it is STILL so hard on our marriage. Not the point where I am concerned about it, but I can't imagine the impact it would have if one of us had been only sorta into the idea of having a child or our relationship was shaky prior to having her. It requires an amazing amount of sacrifice and I think that could breed a lot of resentment - from him over the enormous life changes and from you when you have a co-parent who is less dedicated and enthused than you are.

What are his reasons for being unsure? Is it financial/career related or is he just not feeling the desire to be a parent? If it's the later, I'm not sure he'll one day be all yay I can't wait to be a dad!!

His reasons are kind of hard to explain here. Basically he wants to have his own business that allows him to have the flexible lifestyle he needs. And I meed NEEDS, not wants. He has never had a 9-5 job (worked in O&G) and he would be incredible unhappy with all that routine.

I worry a lot about parenting with someone who is less dedicated, or that he would resent us because we cramp his lifestyle.

Basically I am just having a really tough time giving up. I feel unsure and I don't want to let go of I am not sure.

Well, I will tell you that the main thing we argue about since becoming parents is my H's dedication to his work and how it interferes with our family life. He's trying for a better work/life balance because he WANTS to be with us more, but struggles with how to do that without damaging his income because he's in sales.

Maybe don't look at it so much as does he want to have kids, but more like is this the man you want to be the father of your kids? Consider what it is you see when you envision a family, is it an involved dad and equal parenting partner, and can he be that? I'm sorry you are in this position, it's hard. You're in love with him in this stage of your life, but will that sustain if he isn't what you hoped for in that next stage, if you get there? You don't have to make a decision tomorrow, but it's good that you are thinking it through now.

[calle28]

How old are you two?

[jigsy]

I find that there are very few true dealbreakers, but not agreeing on kids is one of them. I don't think you should give up your desire to be a parent because you love a person who doesn't want kids...mostly because I am in the camp that there isn't "one true love" for every person. I think there are a ton of people in the world that fulfill us as a partner, so I wouldn't want to stay with one if they were holding me back from something that is really important.

If it were me, which is all the advice I can really give since I don't know you or your relationship...

I would set a timeline and requirements that H needs to meet. I wouldn't want to parent with a spouse who is only doing it for me. I wouldn't want to parent with a spouse who expects me to do all the heavy lifting. So if H couldn't reach the choice to have kids, on his own, in X amount of time, I'd look at splitting.