This is so hard :(

[jessnpaul]

I figure no one would understand this more than you girls, so I'll post this here.

As most of you know, I got "lucky" in that I got pregnant on my own after 4 attempted IVF rounds. I'm old too and had pretty severe DOR. This is pretty much a miracle pregnancy and I'm thankful every second of every minute of every hour of every day for it!

I had one miscarriage (6w3d) prior to my extremely rough pregnancy with DS (which was also a rough infanthood, but thankfully everything is pretty good now after 5 surgeries!), so between my history of loss and secondary infertility I'm always worried. Today is 7w3d. I've seen the heartbeat. I have another u/s scheduled for next Thursday. I'm monitored by an endo too for thyroid issues as that gets crazy during pregnancy. I'm being watched like a hawk, basically! That's somewhat reassuring.

But every pain or twinge... every 5 minutes I don't have symptoms... I panic a little! Or a lot! This morning I woke up with really bad cramping on my left side. No blood or anything, but a very intense cramp. I'm now like 99% positive it was gas pain (ugh) but it was really starting to scare me! I'm okay now... the pain has subsided. I also really worry about genetic defects due to my "Advanced Maternal Age" (I hate that term). I'm counting down the days until I can get that Materni21 test (or whatever it's called) so that I can rule everything out! (hopefully!)

It's just not fair that I don't get to truly enjoy this. My coworker's wife is pregnant with their second and he's talking about it all day long (I blame all the girls that sit around him). I hear him right now. I just wish I could be so happy and carefree, ya know? Instead I sit here and just hope this baby keeps sticking and growing and is "normal".

There's probably really no point to this as there's nothing anyone can do. I just needed to vent!

[loira]

I'm sorry. It is hard, and I definitely get it. Even though I'm so thankful for a healthy pregnancy thus far, I feel very jealous of women who actually get to enjoy their pregnancies. I still worry every day, although I do my best to distract myself and focus on the positive. I love this board because we've all had our own struggles to get to this point, and I find it easier to be genuinely happy for everyone here.

[cactuscookie]

My mom came with me to the 8-week ultrasound, and after seeing the heartbeat that day, she was like, "are you excited now?!" Uh...no. Not yet. It was hard to explain to someone who once told me that she and my father "were like rabbits", because they pretty much got pregnant immediately each time.

I was really excited after getting the chromosome screening tests results back. And then I started getting anxious again until I started feeling movement regularly. That's when I finally allowed myself to feel excited.

It's hard. And I don't have any loss history, just IF. But trust me, everyone here understands, and we're lucky that there are so many of us now, so we can support each other.

[Mushe]

I am so sorry, jessnpaul! I 100% get it. I was trolling the May '16 BMB, and looking at that percentage chart, and I'd get excited momentarily, and then think, but of course, my stupid crappy eggs put me squarely in the risk category of the 15% or whatever women that will still miscarry after this point. It's so hard not to feel like you can get excited. I'm going to be on pins and needles until MaterniT21 testing too, if I make it that far.

[jessnpaul]

Sept 17, 2015 10:23:10 GMT -5 @cookiemonster03 said:

It's SO HARD and it makes you feel kind of nuts. I get annoyed with people saying "chances are everything is fine" blah blah (not like here, fertiles with no loss history who just don't GET IT). In all honesty, I've really been enjoying pregnancy but didn't really start to relax until 12 weeks or so and still have major crazycakes waves (see, yesterday: listeria). I'm still anxious about not feeling regular movement yet. It's ok to not be all "YAY" all the time because it IS scary!

Not gonna lie - i won't eat salad in our downstairs cafe at work any more because I worry there'll be listeria or something! I will go out to most places, but for some reason I don't trust the cafe 100%. So yeah, probably a bit crazycakes here too, especially since the cafe downstairs is so easy!

[jessnpaul]

Sept 17, 2015 10:26:18 GMT -5 loira said:

I'm sorry. It is hard, and I definitely get it. Even though I'm so thankful for a healthy pregnancy thus far, I feel very jealous of women who actually get to enjoy their pregnancies. I still worry every day, although I do my best to distract myself and focus on the positive. I love this board because we've all had our own struggles to get to this point, and I find it easier to be genuinely happy for everyone here.

I am so happy for every single one of us TTTC-ers when we get pregnant! The ones who get pregnant without even trying? Major eyeroll from me. Yeah, they're truly lucky but they'll never understand our side!

At the same time, I'd love to be those people! 2 years of TTTC really took an emotional toll on me, even though I currently have a very positive outcome from it!

[jessnpaul]

Sept 17, 2015 10:35:43 GMT -5 cactuscookie said:

My mom came with me to the 8-week ultrasound, and after seeing the heartbeat that day, she was like, "are you excited now?!" Uh...no. Not yet. It was hard to explain to someone who once told me that she and my father "were like rabbits", because they pretty much got pregnant immediately each time.

I was really excited after getting the chromosome screening tests results back. And then I started getting anxious again until I started feeling movement regularly. That's when I finally allowed myself to feel excited.

It's hard. And I don't have any loss history, just IF. But trust me, everyone here understands, and we're lucky that there are so many of us now, so we can support each other.

I don't even want to tell family until after our NT scan/Materni21 test. My mom was one of those fertile women - in fact she warned me when I was young to be extra careful since our family tends to be a bunch of Fertile Myrtle's! So she has no clue about any of this!

[jessnpaul]

Sept 17, 2015 10:54:44 GMT -5 Mushe said:

I am so sorry, jessnpaul! I 100% get it. I was trolling the May '16 BMB, and looking at that percentage chart, and I'd get excited momentarily, and then think, but of course, my stupid crappy eggs put me squarely in the risk category of the 15% or whatever women that will still miscarry after this point. It's so hard not to feel like you can get excited. I'm going to be on pins and needles until MaterniT21 testing too, if I make it that far.

I was doing some googling and my crappy eggs + age put me at a 33% miscarriage rate!!! I've been meaning to google if that percentage has dropped since I've seen the heartbeat... I think and hope so!!!

[Muddled]

Sept 17, 2015 11:01:33 GMT -5 jessnpaul said:

Sept 17, 2015 10:35:43 GMT -5 cactuscookie said:

My mom came with me to the 8-week ultrasound, and after seeing the heartbeat that day, she was like, "are you excited now?!" Uh...no. Not yet. It was hard to explain to someone who once told me that she and my father "were like rabbits", because they pretty much got pregnant immediately each time.

I was really excited after getting the chromosome screening tests results back. And then I started getting anxious again until I started feeling movement regularly. That's when I finally allowed myself to feel excited.

It's hard. And I don't have any loss history, just IF. But trust me, everyone here understands, and we're lucky that there are so many of us now, so we can support each other.

I don't even want to tell family until after our NT scan/Materni21 test. My mom was one of those fertile women - in fact she warned me when I was young to be extra careful since our family tends to be a bunch of Fertile Myrtle's! So she has no clue about any of this!

Then don't. We didn't. And then I think it took us to about 25 weeks before we even considered buying anything for this kid.

[ursulabuffay]

I am in disbelief as to how there can be anyone on the earth who enjoys pregnancy. This is pure terror. And I imagine it will continue to be terror for another 7 months hopefully.

[Mushe]

Sept 17, 2015 11:02:58 GMT -5 jessnpaul said:

Sept 17, 2015 10:54:44 GMT -5 Mushe said:

I am so sorry, jessnpaul! I 100% get it. I was trolling the May '16 BMB, and looking at that percentage chart, and I'd get excited momentarily, and then think, but of course, my stupid crappy eggs put me squarely in the risk category of the 15% or whatever women that will still miscarry after this point. It's so hard not to feel like you can get excited. I'm going to be on pins and needles until MaterniT21 testing too, if I make it that far.

I was doing some googling and my crappy eggs + age put me at a 33% miscarriage rate!!! I've been meaning to google if that percentage has dropped since I've seen the heartbeat... I think and hope so!!!

Ah, quit Googling! 

[KB]

jessnpaul I am old too. I got pregnant with this baby at 40 and will be 41 when I deliver. I've had 4 m/c (including the lost twin of this pregnancy) and an ectopic. Trust me. I get it. I couldn't have Maternit21 because of the vanishing twin and I panicked so much over every appointment that the MFM brought me back every week to calm me down. Even after a normal NT scan and blood work I couldn't relax. I'm 17 weeks now and just starting to calm down a bit. I still haven't bought anything or started getting her room ready but I don't panic with every cramp like I did in the beginning. Take deep breaths. You can do this. I had all odds against me too, high m/c rates, higher chance of abnormalities, repeat loss history, failed IVF, vanishing twin and here we are. One day at a time.

Big, big hugs to you.

[jessnpaul]

Sept 17, 2015 13:45:46 GMT -5 KB said:

jessnpaul I am old too. I got pregnant with this baby at 40 and will be 41 when I deliver. I've had 4 m/c (including the lost twin of this pregnancy) and an ectopic. Trust me. I get it. I couldn't have Maternit21 because of the vanishing twin and I panicked so much over every appointment that the MFM brought me back every week to calm me down. Even after a normal NT scan and blood work I couldn't relax. I'm 17 weeks now and just starting to calm down a bit. I still haven't bought anything or started getting her room ready but I don't panic with every cramp like I did in the beginning. Take deep breaths. You can do this. I had all odds against me too, high m/c rates, higher chance of abnormalities, repeat loss history, failed IVF, vanishing twin and here we are. One day at a time.

Big, big hugs to you.

I'm 41 and I'm due 15 days before my 42nd birthday! Glad I'm not alone!

[patbutcher]

Sept 17, 2015 10:54:44 GMT -5 Mushe said:

I am so sorry, jessnpaul! I 100% get it. I was trolling the May '16 BMB, and looking at that percentage chart, and I'd get excited momentarily, and then think, but of course, my stupid crappy eggs put me squarely in the risk category of the 15% or whatever women that will still miscarry after this point. It's so hard not to feel like you can get excited. I'm going to be on pins and needles until MaterniT21 testing too, if I make it that far.

I feel the same about the list on the BMB.  

When is your next appointment jessnpaul and Mushe? Hugs to you both. I hope we all get to be on the May bmb. 

I just wish I was out of first tri. It is so stressful. The bleeding on labour day really scared me and I don't feel confident in this pregnancy at all.  I even have a list on my phone of "bright side" things in case I miscarry so that I can try and see the silver lining. IE: More time to save money, can go to a trade show in April in Montreal etc. It's stupid but I need to keep telling myself that it's not the end of the World if it doesn't work out. 

[jessnpaul]

Sept 18, 2015 9:33:23 GMT -5 patbutcher said:

Sept 17, 2015 10:54:44 GMT -5 Mushe said:

I am so sorry, jessnpaul! I 100% get it. I was trolling the May '16 BMB, and looking at that percentage chart, and I'd get excited momentarily, and then think, but of course, my stupid crappy eggs put me squarely in the risk category of the 15% or whatever women that will still miscarry after this point. It's so hard not to feel like you can get excited. I'm going to be on pins and needles until MaterniT21 testing too, if I make it that far.

I feel the same about the list on the BMB.  

When is your next appointment jessnpaul and Mushe? Hugs to you both. I hope we all get to be on the May bmb. 

I just wish I was out of first tri. It is so stressful. The bleeding on labour day really scared me and I don't feel confident in this pregnancy at all.  I even have a list on my phone of "bright side" things in case I miscarry so that I can try and see the silver lining. IE: More time to save money, can go to a trade show in April in Montreal etc. It's stupid but I need to keep telling myself that it's not the end of the World if it doesn't work out. 

I think both Mushe and I have appointments next Thursday! 

You?

[patbutcher]

Sept 18, 2015 9:49:07 GMT -5 jessnpaul said:

Sept 18, 2015 9:33:23 GMT -5 patbutcher said:

I feel the same about the list on the BMB.  

When is your next appointment jessnpaul and Mushe? Hugs to you both. I hope we all get to be on the May bmb. 

I just wish I was out of first tri. It is so stressful. The bleeding on labour day really scared me and I don't feel confident in this pregnancy at all.  I even have a list on my phone of "bright side" things in case I miscarry so that I can try and see the silver lining. IE: More time to save money, can go to a trade show in April in Montreal etc. It's stupid but I need to keep telling myself that it's not the end of the World if it doesn't work out. 

I think both Mushe and I have appointments next Thursday! 

You?

Next Weds for another ultrasound and then I think maybe they discharge me from the RE. I'm going to fight that though, last time I made them keep me until I was out of 1st tri. 

My big fear is that I am really not having many symptoms and I keep reading that morning sickness etc means the pregnancy is stronger and less likely to miscarry. It's making me so worried. 

[jessnpaul]

Sept 18, 2015 10:08:38 GMT -5 patbutcher said:

Sept 18, 2015 9:49:07 GMT -5 jessnpaul said:

I think both Mushe and I have appointments next Thursday! 

You?

Next Weds for another ultrasound and then I think maybe they discharge me from the RE. I'm going to fight that though, last time I made them keep me until I was out of 1st tri. 

My big fear is that I am really not having many symptoms and I keep reading that morning sickness etc means the pregnancy is stronger and less likely to miscarry. It's making me so worried. 

I only had one day of morning sickness with my son. He's almost 3.5 now. Every pregnancy is different... some will have morning sickness, others will have none!

[loira]

Sept 18, 2015 10:08:38 GMT -5 patbutcher said:

Sept 18, 2015 9:49:07 GMT -5 jessnpaul said:

I think both Mushe and I have appointments next Thursday! 

You?

Next Weds for another ultrasound and then I think maybe they discharge me from the RE. I'm going to fight that though, last time I made them keep me until I was out of 1st tri. 

My big fear is that I am really not having many symptoms and I keep reading that morning sickness etc means the pregnancy is stronger and less likely to miscarry. It's making me so worried. 

I honestly think morning sickness has less to do with the viability of the pregnancy and more to do with how your body reacts to the HCG. Just remember, some women have a lot of side effects from hormonal birth control, too, and some have none at all. It doesn't mean the birth control isn't working.

[patbutcher]

Sept 18, 2015 10:13:32 GMT -5 jessnpaul said:

Sept 18, 2015 10:08:38 GMT -5 patbutcher said:

Next Weds for another ultrasound and then I think maybe they discharge me from the RE. I'm going to fight that though, last time I made them keep me until I was out of 1st tri. 

My big fear is that I am really not having many symptoms and I keep reading that morning sickness etc means the pregnancy is stronger and less likely to miscarry. It's making me so worried. 

I only had one day of morning sickness with my son. He's almost 3.5 now. Every pregnancy is different... some will have morning sickness, others will have none!

and loira. I know you are both right and I didn't have ms or many symptoms with dd either so it's totally dumb to be in that frame of mind but it's so hard. Thank you!

[Mushe]

Hugs, patbutcher! I obviously know how hard it is, but definitely try to keep the m/s stuff out of mind! I didn't get sick with DS until I hit 10w, and then BOOM, pukes until 40w. It was really bizarre to be walking around with this bloat, but otherwise feel pretty much normal, with just occasional nausea. I seriously was like, is anything happening in there???

I hope you have a wonderful u/s next Weds! I'm pulling for all of us to be on the May BMB. I wasn't going to join one at first, but it was so helpful with DS to have people going through the same stage at the same time that I think I will after all.

[cactuscookie]

Sept 18, 2015 10:40:05 GMT -5 loira said:

Sept 18, 2015 10:08:38 GMT -5 patbutcher said:

Next Weds for another ultrasound and then I think maybe they discharge me from the RE. I'm going to fight that though, last time I made them keep me until I was out of 1st tri. 

My big fear is that I am really not having many symptoms and I keep reading that morning sickness etc means the pregnancy is stronger and less likely to miscarry. It's making me so worried. 

I honestly think morning sickness has less to do with the viability of the pregnancy and more to do with how your body reacts to the HCG. Just remember, some women have a lot of side effects from hormonal birth control, too, and some have none at all. It doesn't mean the birth control isn't working.

The thing is that doctors here actually tell patients that nausea is a good sign. It freaked me out in first tri too, because I only felt nauseous twice, both at the end of very long travel days.

[patbutcher]

Sept 18, 2015 11:48:34 GMT -5 cactuscookie said:

Sept 18, 2015 10:40:05 GMT -5 loira said:

I honestly think morning sickness has less to do with the viability of the pregnancy and more to do with how your body reacts to the HCG. Just remember, some women have a lot of side effects from hormonal birth control, too, and some have none at all. It doesn't mean the birth control isn't working.

The thing is that doctors here actually tell patients that nausea is a good sign. It freaked me out in first tri too, because I only felt nauseous twice, both at the end of very long travel days.

Even my pregnancy book says it. 

[bcarp30]

I'm so sorry. I totally get it. We had a long road and 2 losses for DD and then she had issues during the pregnancy that made me feel like I couldn't enjoy it. This time was similar but only one loss before but I'm still so anxious. My mom keeps asking if I'm excited and is so happy and I feel guilty faking saying yes and quickly changing the subject. You're not alone though!! Big hugs to you and t&p Thursday will bring more good news.

[awick14]

patbutcher- morning sickness can go either way. I was bedridden for a week during my second pregnancy, I couldn't move any part of me without throwing up. It was awful, and I lost the baby in second tri.

((Hugs)) this is hard.

[patbutcher]

Sept 18, 2015 15:16:25 GMT -5 awick14 said:

patbutcher- morning sickness can go either way. I was bedridden for a week during my second pregnancy, I couldn't move any part of me without throwing up. It was awful, and I lost the baby in second tri.

((Hugs)) this is hard.

Thanks awick. On a positive note, how are you doing? How many weeks are you now?

[awick14]

Sept 18, 2015 18:27:57 GMT -5 patbutcher said:

Sept 18, 2015 15:16:25 GMT -5 awick14 said:

patbutcher- morning sickness can go either way. I was bedridden for a week during my second pregnancy, I couldn't move any part of me without throwing up. It was awful, and I lost the baby in second tri.

((Hugs)) this is hard.

Thanks awick. On a positive note, how are you doing? How many weeks are you now?

I am just over 6 weeks. I am feeling sick on and off, which is kinda relaxing me a little. (Even though that was deceiving before.) I have my first u/s on the 29th.

[patbutcher]

Sept 18, 2015 18:30:38 GMT -5 awick14 said:

Sept 18, 2015 18:27:57 GMT -5 patbutcher said:

Thanks awick. On a positive note, how are you doing? How many weeks are you now?

I am just over 6 weeks. I am feeling sick on and off, which is kinda relaxing me a little. (Even though that was deceiving before.) I have my first u/s on the 29th.

Ah ok so we are really close. I'm 7 weeks today. I hope this is it for you!