I mean, no one addresses adults by their Ms. (Or Miss or Ms.) Last name any longer. I remember going to stores with my parents and they were addressed in that manner. If I'm addressed at all, it's by my first name, and I'm fine with that.
My daughter says Miss/Mr First-name, which is common in North Carolina. I like this better than the alternatives and laugh at the idea that it means my daughter won't be respectful. I mean, she's a work in progress since she's three and all.. I don't think how she addresses adults had anything to do with that!
I grew up calling adults Mrs/Mr. My sister calls here MIL of 10 years Mrs. Last Name. My kids and his classmates use the Mrs. Last name when referring to adults. I prefer the more formal title. I would be weirded out if a kid called me First name only.
I don't think I addressed parents by anything to their face. My daughter's group of friends either refer to me by my name or Mama Ryndi, which they called all the show choir moms (if they liked you) Mama Firstname. In my classroom, I am Miss Lastname.
I dunno, even now the thought of calling my parents' friends by their first names seems sassy and cheeky and disrespectful to me. I can't imagine calling Ms. Ruby (this is my granny's friend) just Ruby. Just typing that is like a record scratch to me.
This. My parents friends will always be Ms./Mr. First name. I couldn't even get out of the habit if I wanted to because my mom always adds the Ms./Mr. part if she's talking to me about them.
I go by the rule of address people how they want to be addressed. So if you want my kid calling you by your first name I won't blink an eye. But I'll be damned if little Timmy will be running into my house yelling "Hi Donna!" No hunny, it's Ms. Donna and I'll have no qualms letting Timmy or his parents know.
Post by irishbride2 on Sept 19, 2015 12:04:24 GMT -5
Maybe its because I'm a teacher but I really don't like when kids call me just plain first name. I'm really taken aback when a 5 year old does it. I fully acknowledge that a title does not = respect. But there is some level of separation a title implies and I prefer that.
Most of my friends do Mr/Mrs first name....not because of some souther tradition but more because we were the first in our group to have kids and everyone felt weird being called Mr/Mrs Last name.
I'm used to Mrs Lastname as a teacher. But I don't care if kids use Mrs First, Mrs Last, or Ms.
I grew up calling all adults Mr/Mrs/Ms Lastname until and unless they told me not to. Then you called them just by their first name. Mr/Ms Firstname wasn't a thing at all.
I feel really weird and formal being called Mrs. Lastname and don't like it. But it's still standard around here with most classmates parents and of course with teachers, so people start with that as standard. My kids friends are starting to be told to call me by my first name because I prefer it. Some happily do and some have said their parents don't allow that (which really bothers me).
I always loved my graduate adviser, who said the first day to call her Firstname, or call her Dr or Prof Lastname. But whatever you call her, please do it respectfully. And that respect comes from tone of voice, not from words used. I follow that mindset as well and teach my kids to defer to what the adult says to call them.
Yes to the bolded. Mrs, Miss, Ms, first name, my last name, my ex-husand's last name, it never mattered to me and I don't think I ever corrected anyone*. I have many clients who are immigrants who refer to me as Miss first name, and while I would never dream of asking anyone to refer to me like that, I know it's coming from a place of respect, and it always makes me smile.
*I always told my daughters' boyfriends to call me by my first name. Mrs Lastname is much too formal and I wanted to avoid the awkwardness of what to refer to me if the relationship turned permanent. After a few years of marriage, my son-in-law started calling me "Momma Lastname". Knowing how much he loves and respects his own parents, I know this is done to honor and respect me. And it's mutual.
Count me in as somebody who just avoided addressing adults by name my whole childhood. My moms close friends we had nicknames for mostly. A few were just first name. Less close adults were mr or mrs last name. This is in pa.
Now south of the masondixon it's all mr/ms first name. So...uh, yeah idiot blogger lady this is regional. Duh? If it's a problem speak up.
Post by penguingrrl on Sept 19, 2015 20:26:27 GMT -5
So, I also have to ask. Am I the only one who doesn't think of themselves as Ms/Mrs Lastname? Like, when my kids friends call me that I have no idea they're talking to me most of the time. They usually have to give up and say "Julia's mom" if they want my attention. I've known MIL since I was 16 and called her Mrs. Lastname until after H and I got engaged, so she's Mrs. Lastname, not me and I'm pretty sure I will always feel that way.
My child is not permitted to call adults (and he is technically an adult, but my peers are who he considers adults ) by their first names without a Miss/Mr./Aunt/Uncle in front. Home training is still in style in the sfy household and always will be. I don't call my parents' friends by their first names either, and never will.
Not a fan of the last names unless the person is basically a stranger.
My child is not permitted to call adults (and he is technically an adult, but my peers are who he considers adults ) by their first names without a Miss/Mr./Aunt/Uncle in front. Home training is still in style in the sfy household and always will be. I don't call my parents' friends by their first names either, and never will.
Not a fan of the last names unless the person is basically a stranger.
It's definitely interesting to read how different communities feel about this. By 3rd-4th grade most of my friends parents had told me to call them by their first names. A few I was nervous about until they basically yelled at me to. I think they were as uncomfortable about being Mr./Mrs. as I am (I feel a combination of nails on a chalkboard and imposter syndrome when called by a formal title; I couldn't possibly be old enough to have earned a grown up title). My mom's friends haven't introduced themselves to me as Mr/Mrs since I was about 15.
My child is not permitted to call adults (and he is technically an adult, but my peers are who he considers adults ) by their first names without a Miss/Mr./Aunt/Uncle in front. Home training is still in style in the sfy household and always will be. I don't call my parents' friends by their first names either, and never will.
Not a fan of the last names unless the person is basically a stranger.
It's definitely interesting to read how different communities feel about this. By 3rd-4th grade most of my friends parents had told me to call them by their first names. A few I was nervous about until they basically yelled at me to. I think they were as uncomfortable about being Mr./Mrs. as I am (I feel a combination of nails on a chalkboard and imposter syndrome when called by a formal title; I couldn't possibly be old enough to have earned a grown up title). My mom's friends haven't introduced themselves to me as Mr/Mrs since I was about 15.
I really wouldn't care what kids called me, especially older children, but at the same time, I would side eye a friend who was alright with their children calling adults by their name. My parents' friends never introduced themselves to me any kind of way when I was younger, because most of them barely acknowledged us anyway lol. Seen, but not heard and all. My parents usually introduced them to us, so they set the names. I remembered after reading this, the friends my mother has made in the last 15 years since moving, I probably wouldn't call them Miss first name (I don't think they would be into it), but I'm not really around them often enough to call them anything. Usually just a drawn out hi and hug or cheek kiss and a few minutes of small talk is it, so it doesn't come up.
This topic has me thinking now. My oldest is approaching 8 , second grade. Up until now, I've been "b's mom, or ms first name" but people she's involved with have been close enough to date to me in a ms first name basis to me. I feel up in New England where everyone was last name addressed and I feel like I am approaching the " I know you but not enough to call you aunt or ms first name basis" with aquaintances. Hmmm....
To those with older kids... How are you addressed to other kids that you are not particularly close to? Like if your kid is new to their circle or something? Still first name?
Post by meshaliuknits on Sept 19, 2015 23:36:16 GMT -5
Can I say that if I ask your kid to call me Ms Mesha instead of Ms Liu, I'm not trying to counter anyone's parenting. I'm trying be be called something that makes me comfortable. That's all.
If you ask my kid to call you Ms lastname rather than Ms firstname, I will absolutely enforce that. People should be called the thing they want to be called.
There are some people even my dad still calls Mr./Mrs. b/c that's who they were when he was a kid.
With my friends' parents I think most made the switch to firstname when I went to college. They were never Mrs.Firstname.
However, on the island where I spent my summers, everyone was Mr/Miss firstname because about 75% have the same last name.
When I taught adults, some occasionally would call me miss sushi. That was so freaking weird. Most were older than I as I was right out of college. Plus, I taught other professionals.
I like the way the few asian cultures I know handle teachers. There's a special title for them, just like doctor. So it's teacher sushi. Or teacher last name.
I prefer my friends' kids to call me sushi. Auntie sushi is ok, too. One insisted her children call me Mrs lastname. It was so weird, but, whatever, her wishes. I said first name was ok, but I'm not the parent. I don't think there's been a Mrs lastname since H's grandmother, and she was a very stern old school librarian. That's not me!
I avoided saying my in-laws names in their presence for YEARS... Like probably seven or eight. Granted, we don't spend much time with them so it wasn't too difficult. When I had to say their names I would use first names, but it felt so weird. It's only been about three years now that I say their names and it feels natural.
I grew up,calling all adults Mr./Mrs. Last Name(except aunt and uncles and grandparents- we used appropriate titles). I still refer to many of my high school friends parents that way. I am a teacher and am very used to Mrs. Last Name. We have never had the conversation with parents of ds' friends, but we take their lead. Most of the time we just use the first name, sometimes Miss/Mr. First Name, many times friend's mom/dad. It really doesn't matter to me what I am called as long as the kid is being respectful.
But you are. If you say to a child "No, call me X" when their parent has told them to address adults in a different, particular manner, that is exactly what you are doing. I've said Y, you are saying X; you are countering me. And worse, likely right in front of my kid.
I fully understand that parents shouldn't be undermined by other adults when it comes to their own kids, however, I feel like you're being a bit of a dick about this particular issue.
If a kid asks for a second cupcake (or pretty much anything else) in my presence, my response is always "Ask your mom or dad." I would never even think of giving any other response. Not my kid, not my place.
However, when it comes to my name and how I am addressed? That's my place, regardless of if an adult or a child is addressing me. It's not about you parenting your kid, it's about my autonomy over myself.
It's definitely interesting to read how different communities feel about this. By 3rd-4th grade most of my friends parents had told me to call them by their first names. A few I was nervous about until they basically yelled at me to. I think they were as uncomfortable about being Mr./Mrs. as I am (I feel a combination of nails on a chalkboard and imposter syndrome when called by a formal title; I couldn't possibly be old enough to have earned a grown up title). My mom's friends haven't introduced themselves to me as Mr/Mrs since I was about 15.
I really wouldn't care what kids called me, especially older children, but at the same time, I would side eye a friend who was alright with their children calling adults by their name. My parents' friends never introduced themselves to me any kind of way when I was younger, because most of them barely acknowledged us anyway lol. Seen, but not heard and all. My parents usually introduced them to us, so they set the names. I remembered after reading this, the friends my mother has made in the last 15 years since moving, I probably wouldn't call them Miss first name (I don't think they would be into it), but I'm not really around them often enough to call them anything. Usually just a drawn out hi and hug or cheek kiss and a few minutes of small talk is it, so it doesn't come up.
My mom and I live two miles apart and right now H and I are renting her house from her (she lives with her boyfriend) with the plan to buy it. We're together a lot. She has expanded her circle a lot in the years that I've been an adult and I know her friends. Most of them have also introduced themselves to my kids as just their first name and I defer to their preference on that since I was taught the person's preference is more respectful that overriding their preference.
Growing up we were more formal, but at this point there are neighbors and friends of my mom's whose last names I don't know despite talking to them frequently.
To those with older kids... How are you addressed to other kids that you are not particularly close to? Like if your kid is new to their circle or something? Still first name?
Most call me Mrs. Lastname. If they're at my house or in my car or something I realize they're talking to me. If it was in a big group (at the playground or a soccer game or whatever) I would likely never realize they were trying to talk to me and would drown it out as unintentionally. One neighbor and I have been using Ms. Firstname since the older two were in K and I suspect we'll drop the Ms soon. Other parents have always gone by Firstname so I do the same with their kids and greatly prefer it.
Post by earlgreyhot on Sept 20, 2015 9:44:03 GMT -5
I've also avoided using the names of my ILs for a long time. It felt...odd.
However, when I think about it...that's odd. Why is addressing people by their name awkward?
With teachers, doctors, police officers, etc I get it as a way of letting kids (and adults) know that these people have a specific role and it shows respect to that role as they fulfill it. But other than that, it just seems old-fashioned and inefficient.
My mom never forced us one way...I think she changed her mind along the way. There were some adults I referred to by their first name, some Miss Firstname, some Mr/Ms Lastname. I got by my first and middle name, which I like.
At my son's old school the grown-ups were all referred to as "Mama/Baba firstname" which I actually thought was cute. However, with my name it's a mouth full. Right now I am mostly called "DSname's mom" by his peers, which works for now.
Our friends' kids use our first names and our kid does the same for them. I'm not too worried about it and we just follow people's lead.
We were at a play date once and a mom took it a step further. We were talking about baseball games and she told her dd, "remember when we saw Mr. Firstnameofprofessionalathlete play baseball? That was so fun" at least they are being consistent, right? It was odd.
So, I also have to ask. Am I the only one who doesn't think of themselves as Ms/Mrs Lastname? Like, when my kids friends call me that I have no idea they're talking to me most of the time. They usually have to give up and say "Julia's mom" if they want my attention. I've known MIL since I was 16 and called her Mrs. Lastname until after H and I got engaged, so she's Mrs. Lastname, not me and I'm pretty sure I will always feel that way.
No, I'm that way too. Since my first name has so many nicknames I'll respond to lot of things, bit Mrs. Strawberry isn't even on my radar.
ETA: the idea that I have to let people call me something that I'm not known by, don't like, and won't respond to because some kid's parents say I have to be called that is kind of rude.
So what if the parent's rule is call everyone Aunt or Uncle? I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of being called someone's aunt when I'm not. That's a formal title of an actual person. I am an aunt, to three people only. It's a closed universe and a special one. If you insist on your kids calling me by a name I'm not comfortable with, that's the rude position. Not the other way around.
So what if the parent's rule is call everyone Aunt or Uncle? I'm really uncomfortable with the idea of being called someone's aunt when I'm not. That's a formal title of an actual person. I am an aunt, to three people only. It's a closed universe and a special one. If you insist on your kids calling me by a name I'm not comfortable with, that's the rude position. Not the other way around.
I used to be good friends with someone who insisted her kids call me "Aunt FirstName" even after I told her a few times "Look, I'm not your kids' aunt, your kids actually have aunts, and I'm just really not comfortable with them using that title."
But no. She wanted her kids to call me "aunt", so that's what they were going to call me, my preferences on the matter be damned. I get that she wanted her kids to be respectful of other adults, but I felt the exact opposite of "respected" by her insistence on doing something that I'd expressed (multiple times) that I really wasn't comfortable with.
The "aunt" thing wasn't why we eventually stopped being friends ... but it definitely didn't help things when I was debating whether or not I felt like continuing the friendship.
Obviously this is cultural and regional because there is no child in my life calling me 1234. There is an auntie or a Miss or Ms. in front of my first name if it is used. I am also Auntie 1234 to several children who aren't related to me. Since I don't have any kids and will never be a mom, it's nice being an auntie and having that honorific. Some child addressing me by my first name only would get an initial side eye from me, I would think, "hm no home training" and then move on.
I would introduce you as Ms 1234. If we were tight you'd be auntie. My children would then proceed to call you the name of every "Ms. xxx" they know before they hit on the right one. Watching them do it with all aunties in one room is hilarious.
Can I say that if I ask your kid to call me Ms Mesha instead of Ms Liu, I'm not trying to counter anyone's parenting. I'm trying be be called something that makes me comfortable. That's all.
If you ask my kid to call you Ms lastname rather than Ms firstname, I will absolutely enforce that. People should be called the thing they want to be called.
But you are. If you say to a child "No, call me X" when their parent has told them to address adults in a different, particular manner, that is exactly what you are doing. I've said Y, you are saying X; you are countering me. And worse, likely right in front of my kid.
They've done what you taught them to do, addressed an adult in your default manner. I just might be an adult who is uncomfortable being addressed in that manner. I don't think I should have to be called something I don't like. Like, I wouldn't have my kids call heyjude auntie if, for her, it's not right. I think it's rude to address a person in a manner they are uncomfortable with.