What happened to kids addressing adults by their last names? Resize Text Print Article Comments 46
By Danielle Larkins September 18 at 7:00 AM
That would be Mrs. Smith to you, kid. (iStock) I was 13 when I thought it would be fun to call my 8th grade teacher by her first name. More out of boredom than disrespect, my normally good judgment lapsed and I acted out by responding to her, “Yes, Nancy.” I was promptly sent to the principal’s office, and I didn’t think it was so fun after that. I hung my head in shame and dreaded the reprimanding to come. My parents were informed of the incident and were certain to correct my misbehavior. “You will never address an adult by her first name, do you understand? Never.”
Today, however, this so-called misbehavior is marginalized. Calling adults by their first name has become the cultural norm in households, neighborhoods, and even schools. In most circles I am introduced to children as Ms. Danielle. What ever happened to Mrs. Larkins? Did my last name escape my womb along with my child? Is this a regional phenomenon? Maybe it’s his Midwestern sensibilities, but my husband has taken notice of this trend as well. And we find ourselves in the minority as we wonder how addressing an adult by his or her last name has become a thing of the past.
To this day (even at the age of 33) I address my friends’ parents by their last names, as do most of my friends. Because they are not our peers but our elders – and we were taught to show respect to our elders. So what changed? Why are children today taught differently?
I’m not judging other parents for how they raise their children, despite my disagreement on this topic. I just don’t understand why the tradition stopped. Has our culture lost its respect for its elders? Have we just become a more informal society? Or maybe our desire to elevate our kids’ self worth has gone overboard, and we don’t want our kids to feel they are “beneath” anyone else. When I’ve asked other parents why they don’t teach their children to address adults by their surname they seem uncertain – as if it is the first time they’ve thought about it. My guess is that they succumb to the rationale that “everyone else is doing it so I will too.”
But I won’t succumb. Look, I’m no super-conservative-with-the-family-values type. And Husband and I aren’t these anachronistic characters who refuse to accept change. But we do believe the act of addressing an adult by his or her last name is a necessary tradition with no expiration date.
The way a child addresses an adult not only displays respect but an acknowledgment of authority, one that establishes boundaries.
I’m not saying that addressing an adult by his or her surname is the reason for American youth misbehavior. I also understand that adults earn respect through their actions, not by their title. I do believe, however, that this simple step is the first action a child can take in establishing a respectful relationship. And maybe, just maybe, it serves a greater good than just upholding an old school tradition. Perhaps this etiquette provides a conscious (and subconscious) appreciation for our elders who are deserving of our acknowledgement and our respect.
Danielle Larkins is a mother of two residing in Northern Virginia. In addition to being a stay-at-home mom, she is a freelance writer for Red Tricycle and blogs about parenting at tiny-trots.
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Post by ChillyMcFreeze on Sept 18, 2015 15:23:19 GMT -5
^^My initial response.
I don't know, if you want a kid to call you Mrs. Lastname, then tell them so. I don't feel at all disrespected when called Ms. Firstname. If you do, just say so.
Also, this is regional and cultural. In the South, we tend to call adults "Ms. Firstname." We're a warm people. Calling adults (not teachers, but friends' parents or church ladies) "Mrs. Lastname" was always the first indicator that I was raised by yankees.
Post by oscarnerdjulief on Sept 18, 2015 15:26:46 GMT -5
I don't think I have been called by my first name more than once or twice in 17 years of teaching, and those times it was said jokingly. Now with Google Drive and sending documents via email, they know our first names for sure because they pop up when kids are sharing documents.
I still have a hard time calling my high school teachers by their first names, even ones who were invited to our wedding. With my husband I commonly refer to our Spanish teacher as "Senor." Elementary teachers are almost always Mr. or Mrs. Lastname.
My kids are way more likely to just refer to us in conversation to others as our last name, like "I have Fadaddle for English." "Oh, I have Hadaddle." (my last name starts with an F, my colleague's starts with an H)
Post by debatethis on Sept 18, 2015 15:29:21 GMT -5
DH and I were raised in the south and all of DS's daycare ladies here in IL just go by their first names. It is a HARD habit to break (at their request) that we don't refer to them as Ms. Susan and Ms. Marilyn. I don't like it one bit.
Post by oscarnerdjulief on Sept 18, 2015 15:29:58 GMT -5
I think there's sometimes a difference between official school and other places where you're the authority figure.
ex: at Sunday school our minister refers to me as Ms. Julie
In my official job, Ms. Julie would seem cutesy and off-putting to me. Anywhere else it's alright with me. I'm just glad they're not pronouncing my last name the way it looks, which is like a profanity.
Generally, I think people my age don't want to be "Mrs" or "Ms" (or "Mr") anything. Unless they're teachers. And then it's often Ms. Last Initial. My kid calls his teacher Mrs. B because her name is hard for him to say.
Post by mrsukyankee on Sept 18, 2015 15:34:08 GMT -5
I honestly loved working at a private school where the kids were able to call teachers by their first name. There was still a lot of respect there but there was also a connection you made that helped with that respect.
This is one of those issues that makes me feel like a weirdo because I don't understand. I don't understand how calling someone by their first name is "disrespectful" or whatever.
Some of my friends' kids call me zelda, some call me Miss zelda. I care not at all one way or the other, but it would be kind of weird if any of them called me Miss Lastname.
Anyway, I don't get it.
ETA: slightly off-topic, but I hate Mrs. in any context. If we must use titles (I'm not talking about professional titles, like Dr.), I don't know why we can't have Mr. and Ms. and call it a day.
In my day we called adults by their first name. And we do the same today. Northern Ca FTW!
This arbitrary title has nothing to do with level of respect that kids have for adults but everything to do with artificial puffery that adults like to give themselves.
Also, I was always super embarrassed when my friends or teachers would call my mom "Mrs. Smock's-Last-Name" because we didn't share a last name. I worried as a kid that she would be mad, because she told me stories about her MIL refusing to accept that she kept her maiden name. For some reason I thought it was my fault that people called her the wrong name.
Calling her Ms. First Name would have solved all my childhood anxieties!
Post by meshaliuknits on Sept 18, 2015 15:48:00 GMT -5
I grew up calling adults either Mr/Ms firstname or Auntie/Uncle firstname. Teachers are the exception.
It's what I was taught, it's what I teach my kids. I'm banking on people who want to be called something different will speak up instead of stewing in silence because our ways are different.
Also, I was always super embarrassed when my friends or teachers would call my mom "Mrs. Smock's-Last-Name" because we didn't share a last name. I worried as a kid that she would be mad, because she told me stories about her MIL refusing to accept that she kept her maiden name. For some reason I thought it was my fault that people called her the wrong name.
Calling her Ms. First Name would have solved all my childhood anxieties!
I'm looking forward to the first time H is called Mr Liu because BabyLiu has my last name. I will have much amusement.
When I was teaching the littles called me Ms. Firstname, the HS kids I worked with called me Firstname. That was a school policy though, I worked at an alternative HS and our director felt that it helped us build better relationship with the kids, since in their world all the people they called. Mr. Lastname, Mrs. Lastname, were laywers, LEOs, case workers, etc.. With the littles I preferred Ms. Firstname. I don't like being called Mrs. Lastname.
I remember in middle school I found a list that had all of our teachers' first names on it. It made me super popular for a week because we had no idea what their first names were.
When I taught I was Mrs. Tacokick. Our friends do not have children and neither do we so the issue hasn't come up.
ETA Not really in the south but the general terms I hear out and about are Miss Sue, Mr John etc. I still call my mom's friend Mrs. Jones, lol.
Also, I was always super embarrassed when my friends or teachers would call my mom "Mrs. Smock's-Last-Name" because we didn't share a last name. I worried as a kid that she would be mad, because she told me stories about her MIL refusing to accept that she kept her maiden name. For some reason I thought it was my fault that people called her the wrong name.
Calling her Ms. First Name would have solved all my childhood anxieties!
This crossed my mind as well. Parents and children having different last names is so common now. Using "Ms. First name" avoids confusion.
Post by penguingrrl on Sept 18, 2015 15:57:09 GMT -5
I grew up calling all adults Mr/Mrs/Ms Lastname until and unless they told me not to. Then you called them just by their first name. Mr/Ms Firstname wasn't a thing at all.
I feel really weird and formal being called Mrs. Lastname and don't like it. But it's still standard around here with most classmates parents and of course with teachers, so people start with that as standard. My kids friends are starting to be told to call me by my first name because I prefer it. Some happily do and some have said their parents don't allow that (which really bothers me).
I always loved my graduate adviser, who said the first day to call her Firstname, or call her Dr or Prof Lastname. But whatever you call her, please do it respectfully. And that respect comes from tone of voice, not from words used. I follow that mindset as well and teach my kids to defer to what the adult says to call them.
Post by cattledogkisses on Sept 18, 2015 16:08:02 GMT -5
This is such a personal preference thing. If you want to be called Mrs. Lastname, then say so. I myself prefer simply my first name, or Ms. Lastname if we must be formal.
(Sometimes the Mrs. versus Ms. distinction is a futile battle though.)
It drives me crazy when people call me Mrs. Lastname, but probably because it's almost always at work by students who refer to their male professors as Prof. or Dr.
ETA - I would much rather be called by my first name than Mrs. Lastname.
I still remember one of my friend's little brothers telling me, "You're 12. You can call my mom Paula now!" I am now 32 and still call her Mrs. P.
I do prefer to be called Ms. FirstName by sons' friends (they're all still preschool age). I don't know how I'll feel when my kids are much older but I do think I'll still prefer either Ms. First Name or Mrs. Last Name at least until they're closer to adult age. Who knows?
What did make me feel awkward was when a friend of ours started referring to us as Auntie/Uncle to his kids. We're not so super close that we have that kind of close relationship with their kids, and his wife never referred to us as that so you could kind of see that she might not have been super comfortable with it. I'm not sure if it will stick with them since their 4-year-old still called me Mom as of the last time I saw him in May but we'll see. I don't mind it but I also don't reciprocate it with our kids because like I said, they don't have that kind of close relationship with them.
This is one of those issues that makes me feel like a weirdo because I don't understand. I don't understand how calling someone by their first name is "disrespectful" or whatever.
Some of my friends' kids call me zelda, some call me Miss zelda. I care not at all one way or the other, but it would be kind of weird if any of them called me Miss Lastname.
Anyway, I don't get it.
ETA: slightly off-topic, but I hate Mrs. in any context. If we must use titles (I'm not talking about professional titles, like Dr.), I don't know why we can't have Mr. and Ms. and call it a day.
I've noticed a big change in the Portland area in the last three years. I remember Mrs. was used most often when I moved to Portland and I felt like an annoying and strident feminist when I made it a point to say Ms. Now I rarely hear Mrs. although the student teachers often get Miss which is still annoying.
My mom hates that DS's teachers go by Mrs. FirstName. I actually thought this year was going to use her last, but I think she changed her mind to line up with the younger teachers.
At work, the older black women in the shops are called Ms FirstName by everyone. They also refer to other women that way. I don't see that happen on the occasion it's a white woman in that role. (Jobs are things like fire watch, floor monitor, etc. Low skill positions). I've seen the same thing at all our southern plants.
I introduce all of my friends as Mr. or Mrs. to my kids. Almost all of my friends have said, "You can call me Leslie" or whatever. And I always say, "You can call me [first name]." I think this trend reflects our preference for what WE like to be called. I'm not losing any sleep over it. Although I have a few colleagues who let their students call them by their first name and I think that's a mistake.
Post by stephreloaded on Sept 18, 2015 16:31:09 GMT -5
I still call older people by Mrs or Mr First name more out of habit than anything else. I am 33 and I don't really want kids to call me Ms xxx. Actually, DD's friends call me by my first name and I prefer it that way.
The other day I had a conversation with my aunt and she was telling me that DD was being disrespectful by using the informal you (tu) vs the formal one (usted). I told her that I do want DD to feel like I am actually close to her and there are not these barriers between us. She still knows that I am strict and I will not the her BS.
I actually do not see the link between calling someone Mrs or Mr and respect. I think that being respectful goes far beyond that with you actions and the way you treat people not by the way you call them (unless you are calling them assholes).