Thank you all so much for your responses. It really means a lot. If I had the time I would go back and answer your questions/thank you individually, but I'm writing in between feedings and naps so I'll just try to touch on what I can remember here.
I wasn't aware that ADs are not addictive, that does change my feelings towards them. I'm going to reach out to my OB today, I'm expecting them to return my message from this morning re: BC pills but if I don't hear back I'll call during the next nap. I knew that something was wrong even in the hospital following my c/s, but when we got home I felt so much better that I put it off. Things have been up and down since then and I haven't started feeling quite so hopeless until these last few weeks. A family friend passed away last Thursday and I think going to her memorial service triggered a lot of my anxiety/depression/rage/whatever. Thanks for encouraging me to talk to my Dr., I'm not going to put it off.
I was supposed to be a Teaching Assistant as part of my funding this year but my advisor managed to get my funding reworked so that I'm on fellowship for another year. Since I've finished my coursework, I'm technically not required to do anything this year except work towards taking my comprehensive exams so I can move onto my dissertation. I'm unable to take medical or personal leave because it will impact my funding, and we live paycheck to paycheck-- my H and I split our rent and bills 50/50. So I'm treating this year like a year off. I registered for the one course to try to give myself something to do besides care for my kids.
I wish part time daycare or a mother's helper was an option for us, but it's just not financially realistic. We live in a HCOL area and even the most part time daycare for two infants is insanely costly. My mom comes once a week to see the babies but I haven't left her alone with them, but I am going to go out and run errands while she's here tonight to try to get comfortable with someone else watching them.
I've been considering quitting my PhD since before I got pregnant, but my emotional state and just having two babies have definitely impacted my feelings about the program. I'm not going to make any rash decisions right now, but I want to have some sort of plan in place within the next few months. We moved to this area to be close to my school and we hate it here. If I want to leave my H can transfer to another store and we can move closer to our families. But I would need to find FT employment. The uncertainty of this definitely scares me. Once I'm no longer in my program my student loan payments kick in, and it's seriously a lot.
I guess the last thing would be sleeping. The babies have started STTN and are doing great. I think we're really lucky. I find myself unable to fall asleep when they go to bed at night because I'm having worries and anxiety over my situation in school and just overthinking things. I think the counseling and/or treatment for PPD will help with this. It sucks balls that I can't even enjoy the rarity of having two babies that sleep all night and 3 mo.
And I know I put pressure on myself.. I think that my problem is that I don't see myself as a mom or at least as a SAHM. I thought if I could get back to "normal" and not let my life before kids change too much that maybe I wouldn't change or need to change. I don't know. I feel like sometimes I'm losing a huge part of myself and I'm "just a mom" now. I love my kids so much, but I want to be a separate person.
I'll go back and see if I've missed anything. Just writing it out and reading your responses makes me feel so much better. Thank you again, seriously. I hope I can stay and be a part of this community.
Huggs to you 3 month old twins are really hardmine are going to be 3 minths tomorrow. Go see your doctor you need to focus on feeling better, don't let the thought of addiction block you from getting help. Do you have any family near by any younger siblings or cousins having my MIL even my teenage brother around to help a little was the best thing. Also do they have swings the swings has helped a ton when I'm alone. Best of luck to you
Post by lovelyshoes on Sept 21, 2015 13:13:31 GMT -5
Hugs to you. I think a lot of women get overwhelmed with "losing" their old selves after giving birth. It takes some time to get used to your new life and for things to settle down. It doesn't happen though and things will fall into place, I promise you. Definitely find someone to talk to. A lot of psychologists do skype sessions, so you don't even have to leave home.
Also, you mentioned splitting bills with your h. Can he contribute a higher percentage for now (sorry if I misunderstood that somehow). Lots of hugs to you.
I honestly don't remember the first 6 months of the kid's lives. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, or that I can imagine I'll ever have to do, both physically and emotionally. I was trying to BF and they were on a 3 hour cycle, but my milk wasn't coming in so I had to pump, so between trying to feed them both, supplementing, pumping, and getting them back to sleep, I would then have 1.5 hours until the next round (and that was with help!). I cried every day. I was short with my husband because he was there and easy to take my frustration out on. Cooking and cleaning rarely happened. I didn't even think about the gym. I felt useless and like a failure.
I gave up on BFing at 3 months, and that helped. They went from getting up 3 times a night to twice a night around the same time, and that helped. They went down to once a night at 6 months, and then sort of started STTN at 9 months (or at least, not needing to be fed in the MOTN) and that was HUGE. At every single stage, like got easier. Crawling, walking, talking - everything helped. Now I can honestly say that I adore having twins, but back then, I didn't like it, which, of course, is not "okay" to say.
I can't even fathom going to school while having two newborns. Can you put that off for a year? Try to think about what's important and necessary for every day and just do that. For example, does going to the gym make you feel better and serve as a release for you, or is it just something that you feel you "should" do? If it helps you, then try to make it a priority and work out a schedule with your H. If it's just another thing on a list, cross it off. Same with cooking and cleaning. Basic stuff has to get done, but while the kids aren't mobile and you're in the trenches, you can let a lot go. Make a list, put a star next to everything important to you, and then sit down with your H and figure out how to get it all done. And then forget the rest!
You have two three-month-olds; everything else you've written makes a lot sense given that one fact. I couldn't do any schooling at that age. At that point, I was just keeping my head above water. I would give it time and reconsider schooling in a year. I did not have a lot energy for working out and trying eat right. Two babies at once is really, really hard. And I also never felt like I got quality time with each of my twins. I was changing twenty-five diapers a day, giving baths, breastfeeding all the time, just the labor alone for twins sucked up so much time and energy.
Also, getting mad at your H is pretty normal too. You have the know how from there all day and he doesn't so, of course, you're going to question what he's doing. I think it can a very defeating time when twins are babies and you're home all day and doing so much work.
There will be a time when it's all easier and you will feel better and happier, but right now it's a slog; you just have to get through it.
I literally counted the days that I had accomplished and the days I still had to accomplish for the first year of their lives.
Babies are hard and two at once is just that much harder.
It sounds like you're in a really good spot on the academic front, at least, because you have a fellowship for this year and don't have to make any decisions soon. If you want to do something to feel like you have a life outside of kids, I'd suggest heading to a coffee shop twice a week for a few hours to read books for your comps. That way you'll be prepared to take your exams for the MA, or decide next summer if you want to continue with the PhD. Also, every single person I know who's done a PhD has seriously considered leaving at some point (and I know a lot of grad students), so don't feel guilty. And having some space to be an adult with ideas might make you feel like there's more balance in your life. (although I should warn you that I felt REALLY DUMB for at least 6 months after having a kid; the sleep deprivation did a number on my focus and concentration!)
I also had a lot of problems with insomnia when my daughter was a newborn, and I made it worse by beating myself up about not sleeping when she was asleep. In addition to talking with your OB, one thing that really helped me was to lower my expectations drastically. Instead of doing chores when she napped, I relaxed. Instead of pushing myself to "be productive," I cut myself some slack. Even those little changes helped my anxiety and insomnia.
Post by phdprocrastinator on Sept 21, 2015 13:42:06 GMT -5
I haven't read all the replies, but wanted to give you the biggest hug and some support.
First of all: it does get better. Those first months can be awful. They were for me with one; I can't imagine two. But it gets so, so, so much better. I was given the advice not to make any major life changes in the first year (marriage, divorce, job change, etc.) expressly because that first year is so tough and no one (not even those who take to parenthood easily) is in their right mind in that first year.
Second: I also had PPD with my first and didn't get help. I know how hard it is to admit that you need help, but please try to get some help. Even just admitting what's going on to your OB can be helpful. Hopefully s/he will be able to direct you to where you can go to get more support. It sounds like your OB's office hasn't been super helpful with birth control, so I am a little concerned about the support you'll get there.
Third: I just finished my Ph.D. Not sure about how your program works, but I was able to take up to 2 semesters off after each child. This "paused" the clock regarding normative time, funding, etc. I (hilariously) thought I would spend that time getting ahead - writing papers, studying for quals. This did not happen. What did happen is that I felt like I had some time to figure things out. You may want to talk to someone in the graduate office about this (my advisor certainly did not know how this all worked).
Fourth: Really, don't stress about your career choice right now.
Fifth: And really don't worry about getting back in shape, but if getting some exercise would make you feel better, that isn't a bad idea. I never got to the gym but man did I walk for miles and miles (and miles and miles). Baby wearing meant I got cuddles with the baby - and even talked to her. You could wear one and push the other and call it quality time!
Sixth: Have you connected with a parent group? In my darkest hours, getting out of the house to meet with other parents really helped. I found mine on meetup.com. One nice thing about it was that everyone understood that being a parent means you may show up late/cancel at the last minute. Also, everyone else is in the same boat bored and lonely at home - and really ready to make friends!
And I know I put pressure on myself.. I think that my problem is that I don't see myself as a mom or at least as a SAHM. I thought if I could get back to "normal" and not let my life before kids change too much that maybe I wouldn't change or need to change. I don't know. I feel like sometimes I'm losing a huge part of myself and I'm "just a mom" now. I love my kids so much, but I want to be a separate person.
Again, giant hugs.
The transition from person to mother is a mind-fuck. Nothing anybody said prepared me for this. People say "everything changes," but that really doesn't fully capture the fact that, well, EVERYTHING changes. Very suddenly, too.
Something that helped me, and I hope helps you, too, is realizing/accepting that "normal" doesn't exist. Of course you are going to make decisions now based on the needs of your new family; of course you've never done that before. This is the new normal. Eventually, your kids won't need to nap anymore. That will be the new normal. At every stage, there's a new normal. Who you are impacts what choices makes sense for your family. Just because your decisions/actions/life goals change doesn't mean the person you are changes. It just means the person you are is making decisions based on the the reality of the situation.
The decisions you make when you have two three-month-olds to take care of are very different than the decisions you will make when you have six-month-olds, six-year-olds, teenagers, etc.
I hope that makes any sense. And I really hope that it helps
I'm not in school nor do I have babies so I can't offer advice, but I can send you internet stranger hugs. The feeling of being lost and not being happy, but not knowing what to do is awful.
ninjabridemom and rugbywife are two twin moms I know of on here so maybe they can offer some survival tips as far as that goes. And also maybe bab? Oh and charley. I think. Anyway, that's the best I have, suggesting other people to help, lol.
A lot of your follow up resonated with me. I felt and still feel a lot of the same things three years in.
My advice is to give yourself another 6 months before deciding to drop out of your program. You may find that in a few months your twins are good sleepers and you have a good schedule and routine.
Also, I keep telling myself that this is not forever. In a couple years, I can have more time to myself again to do things I want. I can go back for my MBA, or try out a new career or whatever. My life won't revolve so much around the boys and their needs.
Are there any twin groups that you can join? I honestly don't do much with other twin moms but I'm a member of the Mass moms of twins group and read their forum a lot. Or any other new mom groups that you can link up with and go for walks or play dates?
Please pm me if you are in or around Boston. The boys are in school 5 days a week and I work 2. I have 3 afternoons a week free and would be happy to meet for a walk or coffee or hang out.
Post by katandkevin on Sept 21, 2015 16:14:58 GMT -5
I have twins that are 7 years old. I can honestly say, I legit don't remember the first 6 months of their lives. It was total survival mode for us. I went back to work when they were 12 weeks old. There was no quality time with either one, so don't feel bad about that. You are a good mom and doing the best you can. I would agree with the other ladies to talk to your OB about it.
I think that my problem is that I don't see myself as a mom or at least as a SAHM. I thought if I could get back to "normal" and not let my life before kids change too much that maybe I wouldn't change or need to change. I don't know. I feel like sometimes I'm losing a huge part of myself and I'm "just a mom" now. I love my kids so much, but I want to be a separate person.
You have 2 THREE months old. Your life is going to be upended for awhile. A long while! And honestly, you'll never get back to your life the way it was before. You can't - you have 2 kids now.
BUT that doesn't mean that in time, you won't find a new normal. You WILL. You can find a balance.
But again, you're only THREE months into this. Babies demand a LOT of attention. You've got to give yourself a break on these expectations. You're in the weeds right now. It's hard. But it DOES get better and easier.
You have received very good advice. I have twins and I do understand how hard it is to manage, especially when they are so young. I think the first step is making sure you get seen by the doctor ASAP. I really hope you feel better soon
Post by ninjabridemom on Sept 22, 2015 5:54:03 GMT -5
Okay - you survived the first 7 weeks of twins, which we literally call hell. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING. Anything.
After you talk w your ob, consider cutting back on school, focusing on you, and finding a friend you can barter for childcare. You know tons of students - do they need proofreading? Cooking? Do you have a good skill? Guaranteed someone will be willing to watch your babes for a few hours of YOU time in exchange for something they need. People love to snuggle babes.
Also talk to your h about how he can step up more. Can he work from home at all? Is he able to tackle more home stuff if he can't? We had a clear separation of duties and that helped (i went back at 9weeks b/c my h was unemployed and he sah while job hunting). It can't all fall on you and it doesn't mean anything about him as a person if you need to tell him you need a change up.
Good luck. I swear it gets better again at 6 9 and 12 months. But anything is better than the first few weeks. Hell man.
Post by ninjabridemom on Sept 22, 2015 5:58:30 GMT -5
Oh and getting out of the house w/o kids will help with that "i feel like just a mom" thing. I promise. But hard truth - it will never be the same as before kids. I see a lot of my friends who with their first single baby didn't have to change too too much, or who got back to regular life w/in 6 months - and now they're all having their 2nd kids, looking at us, and going "ooooooohhhhhh that's why." you jumped to the 2 kids thing, that's all.
Thanks again everyone. I'm going in this afternoon to talk to my OB, they also sent a prescription for my BC to my pharmacy. I can't tell you all how much I appreciate your thoughts.
It sounds like you're in a really good spot on the academic front, at least, because you have a fellowship for this year and don't have to make any decisions soon. If you want to do something to feel like you have a life outside of kids, I'd suggest heading to a coffee shop twice a week for a few hours to read books for your comps. That way you'll be prepared to take your exams for the MA, or decide next summer if you want to continue with the PhD. Also, every single person I know who's done a PhD has seriously considered leaving at some point (and I know a lot of grad students), so don't feel guilty. And having some space to be an adult with ideas might make you feel like there's more balance in your life. (although I should warn you that I felt REALLY DUMB for at least 6 months after having a kid; the sleep deprivation did a number on my focus and concentration!)
So much yes to the bolded, I felt like such an idiot in the first class. Trying to read these articles would have been so easy for me before I had my babies but the words were just jibberish when I tried to read them a week ago. My brain feels like mush. Glad to hear it's not just me.
It sounds like you're in a really good spot on the academic front, at least, because you have a fellowship for this year and don't have to make any decisions soon. If you want to do something to feel like you have a life outside of kids, I'd suggest heading to a coffee shop twice a week for a few hours to read books for your comps. That way you'll be prepared to take your exams for the MA, or decide next summer if you want to continue with the PhD. Also, every single person I know who's done a PhD has seriously considered leaving at some point (and I know a lot of grad students), so don't feel guilty. And having some space to be an adult with ideas might make you feel like there's more balance in your life. (although I should warn you that I felt REALLY DUMB for at least 6 months after having a kid; the sleep deprivation did a number on my focus and concentration!)
So much yes to the bolded, I felt like such an idiot in the first class. Trying to read these articles would have been so easy for me before I had my babies but the words were just jibberish when I tried to read them a week ago. My brain feels like mush. Glad to hear it's not just me.
It's definitely not just you! And it's a really tough adjustment when you've defined yourself by your academic prowess before having kids (which is the case for most grad students and academics!). I remember some embarrassing moments in front of a room of college students where my mind literally refused to function, and I was like "did I RUIN my career by having a kid?!?" It also made me feel really depressed, like I used to be an intelligent adult with interests and skills, but suddenly I was a caregiver to a mostly ungrateful little blob who sucked out all my brainpower (and who I loved, of course). It was so hard to feel completely out of balance.
But as a number of people have said, you will eventually figure out that balance. Now with a 15 month old I feel like I love my time with her and I love my time at work. And I finally feel like a reasonably intelligent person again!
Oh and getting out of the house w/o kids will help with that "i feel like just a mom" thing. I promise. But hard truth - it will never be the same as before kids. I see a lot of my friends who with their first single baby didn't have to change too too much, or who got back to regular life w/in 6 months - and now they're all having their 2nd kids, looking at us, and going "ooooooohhhhhh that's why." you jumped to the 2 kids thing, that's all.
I want to like this a millionty times. I was really jealous of people who had one baby and could do things like go to the grocery store wearing their baby. I just could not seem to get it together enough to go to the store with two infants - wearing them was tricky and heavy and trying to push a stroller and carry a grocery basket was doable in dire cases but not easy.
Yes, life is different, but you will adjust and things will get better. I promise.
I don't have twins, but I am a college professor with one three month old (and an almost three year old). Kids are hard. Academics are hard. The two together are hard. Please, please, please don't take no for an answer when you ask your OB for something for PPD. Last week, I called my OB for something and I was told mine was situational (the three month old has had some health issues) not PPD. Either way--I still needed treatment. I am on Zoloft now and the change was remarkable. I know from my first that it took me two semesters to feel like I was balancing everything (which corresponded to starting the next academic year). I suspect that will be the same this time (except I will probably get my groove back for summer session).
On the academic front, don't drop out until you at least get your master's. I've quit programs before--I'm a college dropout (I obviously went back or I wouldn't have my job). Think about your life in a few years--if you want the degree, it is worth powering through. If you can picture your life without it, you may want to explore alternate opportunities. I would give yourself until the end of your fellowship this year to think through your options and not worry about it right now.
As far as the "just a mom" thing, it is normal. Try to find one outlet that is not dependent on your mom-ness. I like to knit. After my first, I went crazy because I couldn't knit because I was always holding a baby who never slept. I was supposed to make all these Christmas decorations for donation and I couldn't do anything but hold the baby. And if I wasn't holding the baby, I was trying to keep the house from caving in. I was miserable and felt like I was failing my volunteer group. Once I asked my husband for help and gave him specific requests (Please watch the baby tonight--I have left two pumped bottles), I was able to regain my sense of self. I was prepared for that this time, but it really is putting out fires while more start with an infant (much less two). Since I think in terms of semesters, each semester got easier.
I also don't know if you are breastfeeding, but if you are and you want to stop, it is okay. I nursed my first and that was the most socially isolating thing that I have ever experienced. I was always having to worry about feeding him. This time, I am still nursing (because I am cheap and his health issues) but we started bottles early and have formula available so that others can feed him. At three, my first could care less about having been nursed (and he nursed until two).
You are going to get through this. Kids are hard but they are so much fun when they get interactive. The three year old is so funny now and amazes me with his thought processes. He is also very pleasant (when he isn't hungry).