Not sure where to go from here

[Deleted]

I hope it's okay to post here, I've been lurking for a while and I'm having a hard time communicating with the people in my real life about what I'm going through. I know that there are a lot of wise and honest people here who might hopefully be able to give me some advice. I might DD, so apologies in advance and PDQ.

TL;DR - I have three month old twins that resulted from a very unplanned and unexpected pregnancy. I'm in my third year of a fully funded PhD program. I've been unhappy in my program and unsure of how to leave or what to do since before I found out I was pregnant. Now that I've had my babies and I'm a SAHM on my own 40+ hours a week when my H is at work, I'm just a complete mess. I want to quit my program but I don't know what to do with my life, and now the added pressure of student loan payments and providing for two new humans is weighing on me.

In general I feel like shit about myself. I feel so stretched thin trying to care for my kids. I had registered for one class this semester in the hopes that getting out of the house and back into classes would help me reconnect and feel more like myself, but I couldn't keep up with the workload-- I barely have time to just breathe or relax for five minutes when I'm home alone. I emailed the professor last night to tell her I'm withdrawing for the course and then was up all night feeling sorry for myself. I try to cook dinner most nights and when my H is home I want to see him/talk to him and try to get sleep. School is just falling lower and lower on my list of priorities. I feel horrible about this because my advisor and colleagues have been so supportive of me and I have friends who aren't funded in the program who could have used the funding that I feel I've now wasted. I was so passionate about this when I started but I'm just miserable now. I want to work outside of the home, I hate being a SAHM, and I want to settle down and get a house and just have a real life. I want to be able to have some sort of financial safety net for my family and it's just not possible with academia. If I get my shit together and finish my exam this year I can leave with a Master's in Political Science. WTF do I do with that?

Besides my unhappiness with school I'm just feeling like a failure as a mom. I feel like I never get to spend quality time with them individually because I'm constantly tending to one or the other. I feel so much rage all of the time and I'm always nitpicking my H when he helps with the babies. I don't know why I do this, I feel like an asshole and he deserves better. I'm also trying to get on birth control but my OB office has been horrible at getting back to me and I'm just... over everything. I want to go to the gym and eat better but I have no energy. I feel like I'm useless. I don't feel like myself anymore. I know I most likely have PPD but I'm afraid to go on medication because my family has a history of addiction problems, my sister is in rehab now for a heroin addiction. I also feel like all of my friends who were constantly in my life a year ago are now difficult to connect with or find time to see, I feel like I never hear from people I've been friends with for 10+ years and it hurts. I'm the only one of my friends to be married or have kids, so we're just at different points in our lives.

I don't know what I'm looking for. Advice on a career move? Tell me it will get better? Ideas on how I can fix my life? I called the counseling service at my school and they're supposed to call to arrange a time to meet tomorrow morning. I don't know how much help they can give me. The babies will be up from their nap soon so I will try to read and respond when I can. TIA.

[sugarbear]

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I think it might help to separate school from your kids (I know that's easier said than done).
Kids-- the first year is so hard. SO HARD. I think most marriages go through difficult times in the first year. Certainly, mine did. But, with both children, we found a rhythm within 8-12 months and the kids got much easier to manage (and much more fun). I started to like my H again. With regards to your H and nitpicking-- let him find his way. He might do things differently with your kids, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. You are not a horrible mom. Your kids are clean and fed, and you've provided them a safe and warm place to sleep. They know they are loved.

School-- what is the end result of your PhD program? How much longer? Are prospects better with the PhD than with the masters? Do you even like those prospects anymore? I suppose I would-- at least-- get the masters. Can you postpone for another few months until your kids are easier to manage? Can they go to daycare so you can have some time to devote to your studies?

So many questions, so little advice. I'm sorry

[sharknado]

Call your doctor, ASAP

[cbwm1]

First of all, hugs.

Second, go see your OB. If you think you have PPD (and it sounds like it from what you wrote), you need medication. I know you're afraid of addiction, but I don't think antidepressants are addictive. They even out your brain chemistry and lift the fog.

Third, the first year is SO HARD and you've got two babies! Can you wait on the PhD program until after the babies are a year old? It gets so much easier.

[CurlyQ284]

I think you're putting way too much pressure on yourself. There's not much quality time you can have with babies that small, even with one, we were just managing feeding, diapers and sleeping. They can't do much. Also stop feeling guilty about gym and eating better. You're in survival mode. I doubt any of us was going to the gym with a three month old and you have TWO

Nitpicking your husband is also very normal. Mine is 2.5 and I'm just starting to like DH again. Even if they are involved and helpful, it's tough figuring out what works and figuring out how to share responsibilities. Cut yourself some slack! There's so much on your plate, no one can do everything. ((Hugs))

For your program, is it possible to take some time and start back up? I was working on my masters when I had DS, my school allowed me to stay enrolled for two semesters but not take classes. It was like a placeholder so I didn't have to reapply. I didn't end up going back but check with the registrar and see if your school has something like that so you can give yourself some time.

[stella1802]

Twins are hard. Once they start sleeping through the night and you get some good sleep it will help. Can you afford a mother's helper for a few hours a day, or a couple days a week?

I know you will get some great advice here from moms who have been where you are.

[hopecounts]

((hugs)) you have 3 month old twins.
Your life is necessarily crazy right now. IT WILL GET BETTER.
I've helped out with 2 different sets of twins (family friend and personal friend) in both cases the first 6 months SUCKED but it does calm down and get better.
Know that what you are feeling in regards to the twins is totally normal. The itty bitty phase is crazy with 2 baby but double it with 2 and it is insane.
Talking to someone is a good place to start just to help keep your head above water and make sure there isn't more going on.

[sonrisa]

((hugs)) Three month old twins. That sounds exhausting and difficult. It's okay to be just surviving now. You don't have to decide about your career now. You have years to get to know your kids as individuals. Do whatever it takes to make it through the day with all of you alive.

Definitely talk to your OB about PPD. You can tell her your fears and she can let you know the risk of addiction with different treatment options.

[Deleted]

I'm on my way to the store but I can post more later. I have 18mo old twin girls and a 3yo boy. I understand a lot of what you are feeling.

[charley]

I'm so sorry. The first year is really hard. It gets so much better. They are only 3 months, you are in survival mode. Do NOT feel guilty about the individual time. You will get there but definitely not right now.
You need to find a new OB asap if they are not responding to you.

I did find when I stayed home with mine that first year that staggering their schedules helped me a ton. It left no time for me to do anything, but I was so much less stressed out. Do you have family nearby that would be able to help?

[mom2twoboys]

I'm so sorry you are dealing with all of this. Please don't feel like you can't talk to your doctor. If you do have PPD it can consume your life untreated.

I can't imagine all the stress your under. Big hugs!

[smock]

I can give you some perspective on the academia side of things: if you don't want to stay in your program (and have felt that way for a long time), get out now. Take it from someone who spent 7 years getting a PhD in history--If you want a stable career, the chances of finding one with a PhD in poli sci, particularly if you are not interested in moving to rural wherever for a job, are slim. Do not worry about wasting funding; PhD programs expect 50% of grad students to leave. Your advisor and colleagues will understand that priorities change. Finishing the MA sounds like a good plan if you can do it with minimal stress, but you might also talk to your advisor about taking leave for 1-2 semesters so you can make decisions about the program when you have a firmer grasp on the kid situation.

I had a baby last year, and the 3 month mark was when I went back to my university. It was HARD, and I felt all the same things you are feeling--like I wasn't any good at my job, but also not good as a mother. I can't imagine the pressure you're under with twins and being in grad school. Taking a leave from your program might give you some breathing room to consider your other career options.

And please talk to your doctor about PPD--it sounds like you are really struggling, and you shouldn't avoid medication for fear of possible long-term effects. Talk to your doctor about your concerns and come up with a plan.

[CloudBee]

I agree with the suggestions about talking to your OB regarding PPD.

Mostly, though, I want to say that I am sorry you are so overwhelmed right now.

[Deleted]

Call your doctor's office now and tell them you're suffering from PPD and need to see someone today. Do not let them put you off, demand to speak to the nurse if you have to. It's ok to ask for help.

Antidepressants are NOT like heroin or coke or whatever other drugs your family members were addicted to. They're like insulin for diabetics or blood pressure medication for a heart patient. And they don't have to be forever, you may just need them for a few months/first year and then you can work with your doctor to wean off of them. But one step at a time.

The first few months are hard, and I only had one. It's nice you want to connect with your husband but honestly DH and I now agree those first months were just about everyone surviving.

Once you've seen your doctor I think some of the rest will become a bit easier. One thing that helped us was a big breath, announcing "I'm exhausted, you're exhausted, we're both snappy. It's ok. We can do this. Everyone breathe" It just made such a difference to say it sucked, to admit we were snapping for no reason (under normal circumstances) and reset.

Also, can anyone come help? Even if you had to pay a doula or a college student to come in and hold one of the babies.

Things that I would not even bother to worry about right now, you can figure them out in a few months when you're all sleeping a bit better and the babies are starting to play together so you can think:
-school
-the rest of your life
-getting to the gym

I think part of it is the PPD, but you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to do everything/figure everything out right now.

My first 6 month to-do list (and again, I only had one so you can probably drop a few):
-brush teeth
-put on clothes (ok, yoga pants)
-reattach bra, close shirt before answering the door/getting dressed

We did walk every day (my baby demanded it) but that didn't mean she was dressed. Sleepers are cute.
I never started cooking until DH got home, it became my break/his quality time

Anything else was a really big bonus.

[isabel]

I just want to offer hugs. Life with one planned baby is hard. Add in working full time and there are days that I just feel stretched so thin.

I can only imagine how you feel with unplanned twins and trying to do PhD level work. I hope your counseling session is helpful and that you'll consider an anti depressant despite the addiction concerns.

Eta: I am just now getting back into the gym and my son is almost 6 months. Seriously, I started back 2 weeks ago. Drop that from your list. Choose sleep or TV time when you have the opportunity. The gym will still be there in a few months and you'll have a lot more energy to make that time worthwhile when your kids are a little older.

[Elsa]

Oh girl. Three month old unplanned twins? During a PhD program? Life can be so cruel sometimes. {{{hugs}}}

Call your OB today. Get in TODAY. I think you have PPD. Get a diagnosis.

Then call your advisor and ask about a medical leave of absence. Do NOT drop out of your PhD program if you have started to feel this way only within the last three ish months. Do NOT make that decision when it is entirely possible that you are struggling with anxiety or depression.

You should be able to do a medical leave for up to a year. Use every second of it if you need to. How much longer do you have before you finish? What are you studying? Could it apply to other fields?

I work with graduate students- many of which are parents- and I assist them with when they are struggling...whether its due to anxiety, depression, study skills, work/life balance, motivation/apathy, etc. PM me if you think I can help- I am more than happy to.

[UnderProtest]

I have twins that are nearly four and there are still some days that I want to strangle my husband. Give yourself both a break, things are extremely stressful now (not even including school). The first six months of twin motherhood is survival mode. You are a courageous woman for even considering school. It does sound like you may have some additional things going on that you may want to bring up with a trusted doctor or therapist. I didn't go through depression when I had my twins, although it was a MAJOR adjustment being a stay at home mom and I made the choice to do so. I have had depression issues since moving and it really does take over your life and your self esteem. Give yourself the freedom to let the house to go to shit and to not feel pressured to make dinner every night. And guess what, your kids won't remember that you didn't spend individual time with them. Don't put all those pressures on yourself. Hugs.

[Elsa]

More info- my ppa manifested in complete rage towards my poor H. Its normal. Not fun, but normal.

Call your school back and ask to be seen today. They should be able to rearrange and fit you in. Remember- your babies won't remember a thing about right now. Its all about survival. Don't feel bad, don't feel guilty. Do what you need to in order to survive.

[rugbywife]

Hey...no twins here but I do have 2 that are 13 months apart. I would never say its the same as twins but it is hella hard.

You have two things going on - careers/school woes and parenting/marriage woes and now those two have intertwined and just made matters even more complex...regardless, everything you feel is normal, because everything everyone feels as a new parent is normal - we all respond differently but those responses are all normal. As others have already said, there is benefit to talking to your doctor about your feelings...PPD is real and is normal BUT can be helped.

I can't tell you when it will get better but it will...I also think it just gets 'different', rather than actually getting easy...and I think different = better.

I don't know if I have a whole lot of advice other than this, because this is what is getting me through each day: I hate aspects of my new life but I still love my kids. Hating aspects of parenting DOES NOT make me a bad parent. It just doesn't. My children are fed, played with, loved and nurtured. I get frustrated, tired, I snap, sometimes I even yell but they are well cared for and I am a GOOD parent. No, I can't spend as much time with each of them as I would like. Sometimes E says 'up' because she wants me to hold her but I am nursing P and I can't. So I have to say no. That's ok. It doesn't make me a bad parent, it makes me human.

I have also had to seriously reduce the pressure I put on myself to be perfect. My house is gross. It really is. Sometimes I have a chance to tidy it, so it 'looks' clean, but it isn't. It is just the best I can do. My kids don't eat all the 'whole', made from scratch foods I swore they would, nope, she eats pouches and goldfish and those yogurt fruit drop things and half of my Starbucks scone. I don't go to the gym. I swore up and down that I would work out but sleep is killing my ability to do it. I am not feeling guilty about it anymore, I can't. I am exhausted and hanging by a string and doing the best I can, I am not going to beat myself up because I didn't work out, or because the floors are gross. I feel you on not having any time to breathe, like really, that is my big thing right now. I posted the other day about not getting enough sleep and people reminded me to sleep when they sleep...well, they are asleep right now, but I had to eat, so I prioritized eating over sleep (plus, right now I am on a caffeine high from the two huge coffees I had this morning, so I don't want it)...the only other time I get to myself is from 7 - 11...in that time I have to eat dinner, do some chores, take a bath (because I don't have time to shower in the morning anymore), and relax...people said I have to sleep then...which I totally get, I do, but I also need down time. So I am splitting it...I eat and take a bath, I do the chores if I can/feel like it but then I am trying to get to bed by 9:30 at the latest (DD hasn't been sleeping well so this has made this hard the last few nights - of course!).

Anyways...all of this to say, I don't have a solution really, but I agree that you should talk to your doctor, as he/she is the person best able to make medical judgements about what you may need. I can offer hugs and commiseration.

[hbear]

I didn't read all the PPs, but this is what I get from your post:

You have 3 month old twins. Please go easy on yourself. The first 3 months are HARD even with one baby, I couldn't imagine with 2. The way you feel now is just temporary. Forget about cooking dinner, forget about individual quality time with the babies, forget about seeing your friends. It sounds like you are putting so much pressure on yourself to return to life pre-babies that you feel like your failing because you can't fit it all in.

I promise this is temporary. Give yourself some time. Take the semester off and see how you feel in a few months. Your babies' needs are being met and that is important. Quality time will come later, when they can interact with you more and you will one day enjoy them as the individuals that they are. Later.

And it does sound like some of this may be PPD. But please don't worry about your family history of addiction, that has nothing to do with the way PPD is managed. The changes you have experienced in the last few months are huge, your hormones are still regulating, and a lot of what you are feeling is normal. But some of it may be helped with a visit to your doctor. Please consider this.

Right now, take it one day at a time. ((hugs))

[Deleted]

Also, HUGE kudos to you for reaching out to us and putting this all out there. Really. It's not easy to say/write, but it's good that you did.

And you will figure this out, probably not in the way you're used to (I feel like a lot of things just "happen" to me now) but it will be just fine and it will be right for you guys and it will work.

One thing I learned early, it's ok if you put them to bed without a bath (or two) or don't brush their hair or they have food all over their shirt. They really don't mind. In fact some days they prefer it.

[thebuddhagouda]

I have ONE 3 month old baby, and I feel completely overwhelmed some days. Two is a lot to deal with and manage. You have to know that you're basically in survival mode for the first few months, so don't make any major decisions right now. EVERYTHING changes when you add a baby (especially two), and you have to find your new normal. You will eventually settle into a routine with the twins and start getting more sleep and figure out how your husband and you can work together. Try not to beat yourself up in the interim.

I'll ditto everyone else that you need to see your doctor and get a diagnosis. That will help tremendously.

[lobstertail]

Huge huge hugs to you. It IS going to get better.

I started nursing school in June and am a mom to toddler twins. I don't know how anyone could have handled school, much less a doctoral program, in the midst of the the newborn twin days. It would really be a superhuman effort. You just grew and birthed two humans, that's enough of a superhuman feat. <3

Please seek help if you suspect PPD and tell your doctor your concerns about your family history. Antidepressants are not adictive. I haven't gotten to pharmacology class yet (ha) or else I might have something useful to say in that matter. In the early days, every aspect of getting through the day was stressful and it felt like you could never catch your breath. It will get better. Please PM me for anything!

A side note: I felt like we really turned a corner once the twins were sleep trained (we did CIO). Everything is more manageable after a full night's sleep. When your kiddos are ready, it is worth considering.

[barefootcontessa]

Are you on the quantitative or qualitative side of political science? Are you at an R1 school? What is the placement record for Ph.Ds? I would definitely try to finish your coursework and get the MA before making any permanent decisions. Personally, I would not talk to my advisor about these things unless you are very, very certain it will not affect your relationship with him. When I was at the dissertation stage, I shared something personal with my second reader and she basically took that as a sign I was not serious and the subsequently proceeded to read none of my chapters along the way. She tried to muck things up for me when I was ready to defend, but my advisor (very senior) would not tolerate it. I think most faculty would understand a need for a leave of absence for a semester or two. This is what I would do, knowing that things will feel different months from now.

[Deleted]

You've received good advice above. Nothing to add, but I just want to give you a big hug.

[DotAndBuzz]

Sept 21, 2015 11:15:41 GMT -5 Elsa said:

Oh girl. Three month old unplanned twins? During a PhD program? Life can be so cruel sometimes. {{{hugs}}}

Call your OB today. Get in TODAY. I think you have PPD. Get a diagnosis.

Then call your advisor and ask about a medical leave of absence. Do NOT drop out of your PhD program if you have started to feel this way only within the last three ish months. Do NOT make that decision when it is entirely possible that you are struggling with anxiety or depression.

You should be able to do a medical leave for up to a year. Use every second of it if you need to. How much longer do you have before you finish? What are you studying? Could it apply to other fields?

I work with graduate students- many of which are parents- and I assist them with when they are struggling...whether its due to anxiety, depression, study skills, work/life balance, motivation/apathy, etc. PM me if you think I can help- I am more than happy to.

So much this.

Others have given wonderful advice as well, so I'll just offer many hugs of support to you OP.  Hang in there. 

[wannabe]

I don't have advice to offer, but I'm really glad that you turned to this board. There are lots of awesome ladies here who can offer fantastic support! I hope they're making you feel better about things.

[malibu]

I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Definitely, absolutely talk to your OB about PPD.

I ended up having to drop out of school when my DD hit a year old. It was just too much. I certainly can't imagine it with infant twins. If it's a possibility, or if you could take a medical leave of absence like a PP mentioned above, seek that out. I have NO idea how a PhD program works, but I just picked up where I left off (associate's degree) in 2011 and my DD is almost 5.

Most importantly though, talk to someone NOW about the possibility of PPD.

[trafficgirl]

I want to give you so many hugs.

I also had an unplanned twin pregnancy (about a month and a half before my wedding) and it was the hardest thing I've ever done - and I was NOT in a PhD program at the time.

Everyone is right that the first year is the hardest. For me, the first 3 months were awful. I'm pretty sure I had some form of PPD and was just never honest with my doctor about it. After the 3 month mark things got a little better, then a little better again at the 6th month mark, even better at the 9th month mark, and after about a year I finally felt adjusted to my new normal.

I think you need to focus on you for a while. Don't worry about not getting individual time with the babies - they don't know any different but they do know they're loved. Try not to worry about school. Also do everything you can to try and get more sleep - do you have a schedule you can work out with your husband so you can get more shut eye? That was the worst part for me - sleep deprivation is no fucking joke.

Things WILL get better. It takes time, which sucks, but it will.

[Deleted]

I can't speak to the career issues specifically, but I can speak to having twins.

We were trying to get pregnant but finding out we were expecting twins was a complete shock. It was our first month TTC our second child and after it took over a year to conceive our first we expected it to take a lot longer. Given how shocked we were I cannot imagine your surprise to find out you were expecting twins when the pregnancy wasn't planned!

The first year of having twins was all about survival for us. The lack of sleep was so incredibly difficult and made a difficult situation almost unbearable at times. I constantly felt like I was failing all 3 of my children as we struggled to keep up with regular life. You just feel like you are on one of those hamster wheels and it never stops. That said, it does get better. I promise. It just takes times. I'd say around 6 mos, a year, and 18 mos stick out as times where it got significantly better/easier.


If you think you have ppd, which it does sound like you might, I would encourage you to stalk to your Dr. Ppd is more common among mothers of multiples for obvious reasons.

Are you involved in any parents of multiples groups in your area? I find being able to talk to other mothers of multiples can be helpful. My local groups hAve fb pages that make it easy to connect. And vtdiamond who lives near me has been a helpful sounding board on several occasions. There is also a gbcn board too. It's slow but the women seem to have twins of all ages and can provide helpful advice.

Good luck! Give yourself lots of grace this first year. Both in terms of how you see yourself professionally, and physically and in how you manage relationships like your marriage and your friendships. It takes times to find your new groove after having a baby and in my experience a LOT more time after having twins.