Post by kateausten on Aug 22, 2012 10:51:51 GMT -5
I suppose this could have gone in MMM but I have older kids and MMM seems to be about pregnancy and little ones.
I'm just venting here before I blow my stack.
I have a 20yo DS and a 13yo DD. They are both good kids in that they aren't running around doing drugs, drinking, stealing and beating people up but some days parenting makes me want to drink heavily. Very heavily.
DS isn't very motivated to do better in life. He stumbled his way thru high school and he's doing the same in college. He doesn't really do anything other than sit in his room and play his guitar. He's super messy and doesn't give a shit if I've just cleaned the kitchen and he makes a mess all over. We fight all the time about how dirty he is and nothing ever changes. I wish he would move out so he can trash his own place and maybe we won't fight so much!! He says he wants to go back to therapy since he feels he's depressed but then doesn't do anything about it. I can't MAKE him do anything. He went to therapy in high school and it seems like it didn't do anything.
DD just started high school and I'm terrified for her! I found out from her friend's mom that they have been using an app on their phones to talk to random boys. Most of the boys ask for nude photos. One of the boys actually sent my DD a pic of his junk. I'm so grossed out by the whole thing. I haven't found any inappropriate pics of my DD on her phone and she swears she's never sent one but who knows. She doesn't really talk nasty to these boys so I tend to believe her. Her phone is taken away at this point and definitely no internet for awhile.
I thought I was doing an ok job monitoring this kind of thing but I guess not. At least so far DD is doing pretty good in school. She was following her brother's footsteps in junior high.
Post by formerlyak on Aug 22, 2012 11:58:47 GMT -5
I think things are hard at all ages of parenting.
Mine isn't a baby, but he isn't as old as yours. He is 6. He went to one school for kinder last year and this year had to switch because we moved in with my fi. It's a much better school academically -- best performing in our district -- so that is good. But he had made a ton of friends at his old school and was doing really well. He started at the new school this week and was fine Monday, but yesterday he had a crying fit when I dropped him off. And his little friend that he knows there (they went to preschool together, but this friend started kinder at the new school where as ds went to the other kinder) thinks he is too cool to hang out with ds because ds is the new kid. Kudos to ds for going and making other new friends and not relying on the one he knows. And for making friends with some of the bigger kids so he already knows kids in all different classes -- they were saying hi to him when we walked in this morning. But really old friend of ds, get over yourself! You are 6!
I guess we have to roll with the punches and just do our best, right?
Post by downtoearth on Aug 22, 2012 13:22:47 GMT -5
If only parenting got easier with age, but it is always different.
Have you considered asking your 20-yr old son to move out? Does he also have a job that he can go to for a source of income? I would have been embarassed to live at home at 20...I just stayed the summer when I was 19 and after that found summer jobs and places to live between college semesters.
Not judging you or your son, I just was wondering if he's bummed out b/c he's still living with his parents rather than out with friends.
your son disregards your rules, messes up the home, does nothing to contribute to the household, and isn't really applying himself in school? I would give him a deadline of when he has to move out or start paying rent at market value. and this business about making a mess in common areas and leaving it? totally unacceptable. don't waste your energy fighting over his habits - let him know he needs to change them or he is out.
your son may be depressed, but 30% of the population is estimated to have a mental health disorder. we still have to take care of ourselves and live like adults. make sure he gets whatever help he needs, but don't use his depression as an excuse to let him do absolutely nothing with his life--you won't be doing him any favors.
This is the stretch of parenting that terrifies me A CW of mine received a phone call from a school coach letting her know that her 8th grader sent provocative/nude pics to his son through an app on her iPod. She is the most involved parent I know, and it was completely horrifying to hear.
I know we would've done the same shit at that age if we'd had the technology. I knew plenty of girls in the 13-15 age range who were having sex. They'd lie & say they were spending the night with a girlfriend, then sleep with the girlfriend's brother.
While I am not a biological mother, H and I have practically raised his younger siblings. They live with us right now. LSIL is 17 and LBIL is 15 about to turn 16.
LSIL isn't so much trouble. She has her moments, don't get me wrong. There were times we'd fight about her grades and what she needed to do to improve them. She has a hard time cleaning up after herself but has gotten better as she gets older (and getting a car for incentive).
LBIL is going through a rebellious stage now. He's always had school problems but we've been able to work through that with tutoring and we now accept that he's not the A student like his sister is.
That's not the rebillious part.
Last month, he decided to "borrow" his oldest brother's truck with out asking. Of course, no one would have said yes to begin with. He doesn't even have a permit! Everyone in the family was LIVID when we found out - truck parked in a different spot when we came back from the grocery store. Let's just say, he's had no life (outside of football) for a while now.
He's also got a mouth on him now and talks back alllll the time. Calling his sister a "cunt" does not fly with me and he now knows it.
He has gotten better since these two recent incidents. However, I don't know if it's fully sunk in how stupid he's been acting.
This is super late in the game, but OP has your son been screened for being bi-polar? It often manifests for boys in late puberty (18-22 years old). My cousin as just finally diagnosed this summer, after seeming so... Stuck, since high school. He's 25 and hopefully a diagnosis leads to treatment and moving on with his life.
Post by MixedBerryJam on Aug 22, 2012 20:43:27 GMT -5
Speaking in broadly general terms, it sounds to me like your son is pretty much acting normally, but maybe on the threshhold of immature for 20? My kids aren't there yet, so I can't really speak with any authority. I just wanted to comment on his comment that he wants therapy. That would ellicit a hallelujah chorus and dollar bills falling from the sky around here ... I can't get either of my boys (14 and 15) within a mile of a therapist's office, desipite every manipulation in the book. They. Really. Need. It. But without exception, every professional I've talked to about it has said they'll go on their own when they're ready. All of which is to say that even though it might not have worked before, I'd at least get him into his regular doctor for a referral if you don't have someone already in mind. I would think a 20yo would be pretty open to the growth therapy can bring about.
I have no advice on your daughter, though. I have girlfriends whose daughters have had similar experiences, and I think you're right to nip that itshay in the bud. You send or receive a questionable pic/text. Bam. No phone. My girlfriend is trying to negotiate and reason with her daughter, and all that's happening is the daughter is learning to be sneakier!
your son disregards your rules, messes up the home, does nothing to contribute to the household, and isn't really applying himself in school? I would give him a deadline of when he has to move out or start paying rent at market value. and this business about making a mess in common areas and leaving it? totally unacceptable. don't waste your energy fighting over his habits - let him know he needs to change them or he is out.
your son may be depressed, but 30% of the population is estimated to have a mental health disorder. we still have to take care of ourselves and live like adults. make sure he gets whatever help he needs, but don't use his depression as an excuse to let him do absolutely nothing with his life--you won't be doing him any favors.
We had him sign a contract and he pays rent. It's only $100 for now but will increase each year. Blah. He has to pay extra for not cleaning up dishes, etc and every month he's having to pay that extra. Just clean for christ sake!!
He has a job but he's always griping about money but he doesn't look for something else that pays better or gives him more hours.
He knows he can go to therapy/see a doctor whenever he wants. He just chooses to not go. He hasn't been to the dentist since he turned 18. Guess he figures he's an adult and if he doesn't want to go, he's not going. 8-D
Ohhhh, man. My daughter had that text plus app and I also found out she was talking to boys on their. She had been sent pics of their junk. She is 11!!!! She was just on a kindle fire, so no camera, so I know she didn't send pics back. However, that's still all kinds of inappropriate! Her kindle got taken away, and when she earns it back, it will have no Internet!!!
As for your son, does he have a job? Go to school? Sounds like he needs something to keep him busy. Also, maybe therapy plus meds would help him over his hump.
He's working part time and going to school part time. He wants to be a mortician. He had a script for anti-depressants in high school but wouldn't take them. It's aggravating.
your son disregards your rules, messes up the home, does nothing to contribute to the household, and isn't really applying himself in school? I would give him a deadline of when he has to move out or start paying rent at market value. and this business about making a mess in common areas and leaving it? totally unacceptable. don't waste your energy fighting over his habits - let him know he needs to change them or he is out.
your son may be depressed, but 30% of the population is estimated to have a mental health disorder. we still have to take care of ourselves and live like adults. make sure he gets whatever help he needs, but don't use his depression as an excuse to let him do absolutely nothing with his life--you won't be doing him any favors.
We had him sign a contract and he pays rent. It's only $100 for now but will increase each year. Blah. He has to pay extra for not cleaning up dishes, etc and every month he's having to pay that extra. Just clean for christ sake!!
He has a job but he's always griping about money but he doesn't look for something else that pays better or gives him more hours.
He knows he can go to therapy/see a doctor whenever he wants. He just chooses to not go. He hasn't been to the dentist since he turned 18. Guess he figures he's an adult and if he doesn't want to go, he's not going.
he can't really pull the adult card when he's only paying $100/mo to live under your roof and can't seem to follow the guidelines set for him.
he may not be making any changes because he doesn't need to. he sounds quite comfortable doing the bare minimum - I would make things a little less comfortable for him.
I know I'm being a hardass but your son is only two years younger than I am, and I'm just trying to imagine living with him as a roommate or boyfriend. shit wouldn't fly and he'd be out - I wouldn't take $10/mo for having to wash his dishes. I'd tell him to take his guitar and walk.
I'd kill to have only paid $100 when I was 20 AND live at home to boot?! I agree with Tacom. He needs to grow up a bit. Either raise his rent (like $300) or he needs to move.
And I agree with Kore. This is why I'm not having kids. The teen/young adult years terrify me.
GL. You sound like an awesome mom so don't beat yourself up or anything.