Dating in 40s: Better To Be Divorced Or Never Married

[orangeblossom]

www.washingtonpost.com/news/soloish/wp/2015/09/18/when-dating-in-your-40s-is-it-better-to-be-divorced-or-never-married/


Seasoned daters know this question matters and often note in their online profiles that they’re divorced.



This question could reflect nothing more than curiosity. But many use the answer as a way to weed out potential dates. A previous marriage, no matter how short, is the relationship equivalent of earning a college degree. If you’ve been married before, the theory goes, you must have the ability to commit. Plus, at one time, someone else wanted to commit to you for life, never mind that “for life” got demoted to “for a while.”



I’m one of the divorced masses. About 30 percent of unmarried Americans ages 35 to 44 have been divorced, according to U.S. Census data. For ages 45 to 54, it’s nearly half.



But I don’t think that fact alone tells you much. Having been married doesn’t mean you’re any better or worse at relationships than someone who’s never tied the knot.



On its own, the word “divorced” conveys only two things: 1) that the person was, at some point, united with another person in a legally sanctioned arrangement; and 2) it ended, and not because one of the partners died. Even if you ask follow-up questions, the answers shed little light on a person’s relationship skills. If someone was married for more than a decade, that might tell you how long the marriage lasted but says nothing about its quality. You don’t know whether it was more good than bad, whether the couple married too young and hung on for the kids, or what each person contributed to its demise. Nor can you count on anyone to be a completely objective reporter about his or her relationship.



When I met my ex-husband, he’d been divorced for a long time; his first marriage lasted well over a decade. I took that as a sign of relationship worthiness: Clearly he had the ability to commit long-term, a trait I wanted in a partner. On actually being in a relationship with him, I realized I’d assigned far too much weight to what I knew, or thought I knew, about his first marriage. Even if it told me something about his relationship with his first wife, it told me nothing about what my relationship with him would look like — or whether we had the capacity for long-term commitment. A relationship reflects the dynamic between two people, so once you change the people, you change the dynamic.



I got married at 39 and left my husband 10 months later. When men learn that I wed later in life and had a marriage even Hollywood would call “brief,” some assume I’m commitment-phobic, that I stink at relationships, or that I just wanted to get married before I turned 40. A more thoughtful examination of my relationship history would show that I had three long-term relationships from 1992 to 2008. One of those led to an engagement I wisely ended. Another lasted from 1996 to 2001 and was ultimately more significant than my marriage. No single word conveys that status – it’s the kind of thing you learn in the course of getting to know someone. Yet that long-term commitment ought to count as much (or little) on my relationship resume as my divorce.





I understand wanting to know whether a potential match has been married. I care about that, too, because it forms part of who a person is. But if a dater presumes that someone’s marital history is a crystal ball of sorts, a shortcut to the hard work of figuring out what a relationship with someone would really be like, it’s about as useful as a Magic 8-ball.

[noodleoo]

interesting. I wonder how the stereotype for a man who has never been married differs from a woman who has never been married.

I have a friend who is in her late 30s, never married. She's had a few recent relationships with guys who were never married (3 different guys, each relationship lasted about 6 months) and her new theory is that guys who have never been married are very immature. I think she's screening for divorced men now.

[mominatrix]

Sept 23, 2015 17:15:43 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

interesting. I wonder how the stereotype for a man who has never been married differs from a woman who has never been married.

I have a friend who is in her late 30s, never married. She's had a few recent relationships with guys who were never married (3 different guys, each relationship lasted about 6 months) and her new theory is that guys who have never been married are very immature. I think she's screening for divorced men now.

I didn't meet my husband until we were both in our mid - late 30s. He had been married before, I hadn't.

I was dating a lot before we met, almost all had been married before (one had been married 2x before)... It's interesting, because having been married and divorced causes some... Damage? Baggage? That never having been married men generally don't have...

BUT (and this but of wisdom comes from an IRL friend) having been married, they've been there. She said "they've already been trained"... They already know a lot of the basics of being "a couple"... Where the never married guys (IME) needed couple lessons.

[mominatrix]

Sept 23, 2015 17:15:43 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

interesting. I wonder how the stereotype for a man who has never been married differs from a woman who has never been married.

I have a friend who is in her late 30s, never married. She's had a few recent relationships with guys who were never married (3 different guys, each relationship lasted about 6 months) and her new theory is that guys who have never been married are very immature. I think she's screening for divorced men now.

Also, I think the stereotype is there, but it depends who you are.

Me, I was an upper middle class white woman, who graduated college, went to law school and established a career... Beyond that, there weren't a whole lot of questions about what I was doing between the ages of 20 and 30

[WanderingWinoZ]

For the girls that I know who are dating (in their mid to late 30's), my first question is "were they married?" and I of course think, "well what the heck is wrong with them?" if they haven't been married & are worth dating (ie good looking, good job, good personality, etc.). I know I shouldn't be so quick to assume the worst, but I do =P

[Michelle]

Sept 23, 2015 18:37:03 GMT -5 WanderingWinoZ said:

For the girls that I know who are dating (in their mid to late 30's), my first question is "were they married?" and I of course think, "well what the heck is wrong with them?" if they haven't been married & are worth dating (ie good looking, good job, good personality, etc.). I know I shouldn't be so quick to assume the worst, but I do =P

I hear this a lot about my friends who are gorgeous and who have never been married before. 2 in particular are 39 and mid-40s, each.

Both are entrepreneurs who are very successful and own their own businesses. One is in the personal health/service industry and the other is a marketing consultant. They are beautiful, own their own expensive homes. They know what they want and aren't afraid to go after it. One was on Houston Culture Map's Top 10 Most Eligible Bachelor/Bachelorettes lists.

I think they intimidate men. full stop.

One has horrible taste. That is one reason she is still single.

Another has decent taste but when she is in a relationship, she wants A LOT of attention. Now what I think is a lot of attention might not be a lot, but she wants more attention than my husband gets and it would wear me out if i were a guy in a similar status job as she has.

My husband routinely says, "And THAT is why she's still single." about both of them.

I hate it. Who cares whether she is still single (except for the actual girl - she can care). But he says it a lot. Like the fact that neither has ever married is a flaw in their character.

It bothers me. a lot.

[StrawberryBlondie]

Sept 23, 2015 18:37:03 GMT -5 WanderingWinoZ said:

For the girls that I know who are dating (in their mid to late 30's), my first question is "were they married?" and I of course think, "well what the heck is wrong with them?" if they haven't been married & are worth dating (ie good looking, good job, good personality, etc.). I know I shouldn't be so quick to assume the worst, but I do =P

I have a pretty good male friend that's a couple years older than me and never married. He's a great guy and would make a great spouse IMO. But he's only interested in young, never married women ages 22-25ish. I want to smack him upside the head and be like "dude, you're pushing 40. The 22 year olds are not looking to settle down and are going to assume there's something wrong with you."

[sunshine608]

Sept 23, 2015 19:13:56 GMT -5 Michelle said:

Sept 23, 2015 18:37:03 GMT -5 WanderingWinoZ said:

For the girls that I know who are dating (in their mid to late 30's), my first question is "were they married?" and I of course think, "well what the heck is wrong with them?" if they haven't been married & are worth dating (ie good looking, good job, good personality, etc.). I know I shouldn't be so quick to assume the worst, but I do =P

I hear this a lot about my friends who are gorgeous and who have never been married before. 2 in particular are 39 and mid-40s, each.

Both are entrepreneurs who are very successful and own their own businesses. One is in the personal health/service industry and the other is a marketing consultant. They are beautiful, own their own expensive homes. They know what they want and aren't afraid to go after it. One was on Houston Culture Map's Top 10 Most Eligible Bachelor/Bachelorettes lists.

I think they intimidate men. full stop.

One has horrible taste. That is one reason she is still single.

Another has decent taste but when she is in a relationship, she wants A LOT of attention. Now what I think is a lot of attention might not be a lot, but she wants more attention than my husband gets and it would wear me out if i were a guy in a similar status job as she has.

My husband routinely says, "And THAT is why she's still single." about both of them.

I hate it. Who cares whether she is still single (except for the actual girl - she can care). But he says it a lot. Like the fact that neither has ever married is a flaw in their character.

It bothers me. a lot.

My husband says the exact same thing. He even uses the word damage to describe my single never married 30+ friends as in men see them as damaged. I hate that word and that concept but it seems many men follow that links of thinking.

I cringe and have asked him not to use those words. Ugh

[alleinesein]

Sept 23, 2015 19:23:00 GMT -5 StrawberryBlondie said:

Sept 23, 2015 18:37:03 GMT -5 WanderingWinoZ said:

For the girls that I know who are dating (in their mid to late 30's), my first question is "were they married?" and I of course think, "well what the heck is wrong with them?" if they haven't been married & are worth dating (ie good looking, good job, good personality, etc.). I know I shouldn't be so quick to assume the worst, but I do =P

I have a pretty good male friend that's a couple years older than me and never married. He's a great guy and would make a great spouse IMO. But he's only interested in young, never married women ages 22-25ish. I want to smack him upside the head and be like "dude, you're pushing 40. The 22 year olds are not looking to settle down and are going to assume there's something wrong with you."

I hate that guys do this.  I want to date someone my own age.  I do not want to date someone that is old enough to be my father or I am old enough to be their mother.  I'm 39 and it is damn hard to find a guy in the 37-43 age group to date.  Almost all of them are looking for someone under 25.  Current fwb/bf is 31 and even the 8 year difference bothers me at times.  

The few men that I have met that are in their 40s and have never been married are just weird.  They are either way too into their careers or they still think that they are 21 and they don't want to grow up.

[scout8]

I got married at 37. My closest group of friends all got married late 30's to early 40's. I have a lot of more distant friends, acquaintances, clients who got married in their 30's and 40's. I have several friends who are still single. Nothing is wrong with any of them. I can't stand this attitude that unmarried women are damaged or that something is wrong with them. It just takes some people longer than others to find the one.

[NitaX]

Sept 23, 2015 17:15:43 GMT -5 noodleoo said:

interesting. I wonder how the stereotype for a man who has never been married differs from a woman who has never been married.

I have a friend who is in her late 30s, never married. She's had a few recent relationships with guys who were never married (3 different guys, each relationship lasted about 6 months) and her new theory is that guys who have never been married are very immature. I think she's screening for divorced men now.

My friend dated a guy (now her H) who had never been married. He was 46 at the time and her family freaked out. There was a lot of conversation about what was 'wrong' with him since he never married. So, in short, I don't think men are immune from these assumptions.

[sushi]

Did they evaluate if you're widowed? I realize that's a much smaller group.

And, if it was in the article I missed it, was there a difference between male and female?

[mrsukyankee]

I got married at 38. I moved a lot for jobs (private school world) due to wanting different things (worked in boarding schools, day schools, religious schools...). I didn't get married earlier because the guy I was engaged to at 25 was a sack of cheating shit and I realised I was happier w/o him after a month of engagement. I then went to graduate school - didn't want to live in the area I went to school so just had fun. That brought me to 28. I then worked in the area for one year. 29. I then went and worked in a boarding school for four years. Can I tell you how difficult it is to meet and date someone while living in a girls' dorm? 34. I then moved to Boston for two years (had a lot of fun dating) but was only there for two years and didn't meet anyone who clicked enough with me. I moved to London at 36. I wasn't damaged, just hadn't met the right person at the right time. Met my H 3 months into living here...I'm honestly lucky that I loved London as well as him.

[Michelle]

Sept 23, 2015 23:30:38 GMT -5 sushi said:

Did they evaluate if you're widowed? I realize that's a much smaller group.

And, if it was in the article I missed it, was there a difference between male and female?

I am not gonna lie. I would have a positive bias about a widower provided his wife died of natural causes. It means he was someone that someone else wanted to marry and both kept their 'til death do us part vows.
[bra

[Fins]

I met my husband when I was 39 and he was 43. I was divorced and he had never been married. Neither of us has kids. Being divorced vs. never-married can both raise questions. He initially wondered about my divorce and I wondered why he hadn't ever been married. It turns out that both of us had good reasons for our situations, so it was fine, but I know we both had questions in the beginning. Everyone has some kind of baggage, so you have to figure out whether you can live with theirs.

There are definite advantages to marrying someone who has never been married, though. Our marriage has been much easier because there aren't any kids or ex-spouses in the picture--that simplifies things a lot. Another nice thing is that a never-married person probably knows how to live independently and run a household. It's easier to divide up chores when both people are already used to doing everything on their own.

[Deleted]

I would say I had a mild preference for men who had been married before when I was dating. I think some of it was insecurity about my own divorced status - I felt like someone who was also divorced would "get it" and wouldn't judge me for being divorced. At this point I don't worry about judgement anymore, but when things were fresher I felt like it was a label on myself that I wasn't too proud of.

I do think my initial judgement of someone in their 40's who had never been married might be "what's wrong with them" but I would actually be assuming less that NOBODY wanted to marry them and more that they must have really high standards or be really difficult to please if they hadn't found someone they were willing to marry yet. Maybe that's just because that's the case for most of the single women I know who haven't been married - their perfect guy doesn't exist and they won't settle for someone with any perceived flaw. One of my best friends is sooo picky and it's too bad because I think she could be happy with a lot of the guys she's met/dated but she rejects them for various silly reasons (their style of dress, inability to support her as a SAHM when she doesn't even WANT to be a SAHM, etc).

Anyway beyond an initial snap judgement I wouldn't think it would make a lot of difference. Once you actually talk to someone about why they are single/divorced/never married/whatever I would think most people have good reasons for why they are where they are.

[alleinesein]

Sept 24, 2015 8:49:38 GMT -5 Fins said:

There are definite advantages to marrying someone who has never been married, though. Our marriage has been much easier because there aren't any kids or ex-spouses in the picture--that simplifies things a lot. Another nice thing is that a never-married person probably knows how to live independently and run a household. It's easier to divide up chores when both people are already used to doing everything on their own.

This is also true for divorced people.  Not everyone has kids while they are married and not everyone keeps in contact with their ex after a divorce.  I was with XH for 10 years and we were married for 7.  We had no children and we have no need to speak to each other.  The last time we even communicated was 2 years ago shortly before the divorce was official.  He saw me at a concert in LA and wanted to brag about his seat and I told him to never contact me again.  

And guess what- people who have been married also know how to live independently and run a household.  The majority of us were doing that before we got married!  And a lot of divorced people HAVE to do that once their divorce is final.  It is not some magical thing that only never married people know how to do.  

[Fins]

Sept 24, 2015 12:03:38 GMT -5 alleinesein said:

Sept 24, 2015 8:49:38 GMT -5 Fins said:

There are definite advantages to marrying someone who has never been married, though. Our marriage has been much easier because there aren't any kids or ex-spouses in the picture--that simplifies things a lot. Another nice thing is that a never-married person probably knows how to live independently and run a household. It's easier to divide up chores when both people are already used to doing everything on their own.

This is also true for divorced people.  Not everyone has kids while they are married and not everyone keeps in contact with their ex after a divorce.  I was with XH for 10 years and we were married for 7.  We had no children and we have no need to speak to each other.  The last time we even communicated was 2 years ago shortly before the divorce was official.  He saw me at a concert in LA and wanted to brag about his seat and I told him to never contact me again.  

And guess what- people who have been married also know how to live independently and run a household.  The majority of us were doing that before we got married!  And a lot of divorced people HAVE to do that once their divorce is final.  It is not some magical thing that only never married people know how to do.  

Alle, I agree with you and was in a similar situation to you. As I said in my post, I'm divorced with no kids. I don't keep in contact with my ex either. My current (formerly never-married) husband and I were alike in coming into this marriage without kids and having lived independently. I think that made things easier for both of us. 

[spindle92]

Sept 23, 2015 20:31:35 GMT -5 alleinesein said:

Sept 23, 2015 19:23:00 GMT -5 StrawberryBlondie said:

I have a pretty good male friend that's a couple years older than me and never married. He's a great guy and would make a great spouse IMO. But he's only interested in young, never married women ages 22-25ish. I want to smack him upside the head and be like "dude, you're pushing 40. The 22 year olds are not looking to settle down and are going to assume there's something wrong with you."

I hate that guys do this.  I want to date someone my own age.  I do not want to date someone that is old enough to be my father or I am old enough to be their mother.  I'm 39 and it is damn hard to find a guy in the 37-43 age group to date.  Almost all of them are looking for someone under 25.  Current fwb/bf is 31 and even the 8 year difference bothers me at times.  

The few men that I have met that are in their 40s and have never been married are just weird.  They are either way too into their careers or they still think that they are 21 and they don't want to grow up.

I couldn't agree with you more.

In turn, I get 50+ year olds contacting me.  I am 40, I am not looking for someone that much older than me. sorry.