Mixed feelings regarding becoming a SAHM

[sewpinkgal]

It is definitely a transition, but I was so wrapped up in the realities of having a colicky newborn for the first several months that my CWs and job were the furthest thing from my mind. I do miss them (I worked at the same place for 8 years), but I try to go and see them for lunch every few months which helps.

I also made a point to give our week some structure early on. Granted, this was incredibly loose when he was still really teeny, but it was nice to have an outing or playdate or something to look forward to each day. At the same time, the flexibility I have by staying at home is so helpful. For example, this week I was able to basically clear our schedule so that we could stay home and work on him learning to sit down in the crib and get his sleeping schedule back on track. Had I been working, daycare or a nanny would have had to deal with it while I was gone, which would have ultimately been fine, but it was nice to know that I could stay here and help him myself.

Good luck with the transition and know that there are several SAHMs on this board that you can always vent or talk stuff out here.

[drloretta]

I did have mixed feelings. When I first went on mat leave I had no issues. But I went back to work for a month before quitting for good, and I felt some residual sadness and a WTF moment or 2. It lasted about a week before I was good again.

To be honest, I was really happy to be a SAHM when we moved last year. Dealing with finding an apt, buying a house, traveling back and forth between places all summer, selling the old house, DH starting a new job, etc. I couldn't imagine throwing in a job hunt and finding a daycare. I know people do it, and kudos to them, but I was already settled in as a SAHM. And now that DD is a toddler/preschooler, I'm joining more groups and getting out more, which gives me the adult interaction i need.

Just some thoughts.

[minzy]

I was a professional but have not received a paycheck in over a year, and I constantly have mixed feelings about my current status as a SAHM. I left my job because we moved for an opportunity for my husband, not because I had a child, though the two events happened a few months apart. I have been job searching (although somewhat casually lately) the whole time. I absolutely love being there with my kid, but a part of me that contributed to society through my job, and felt professionally fulfilled, is silent right now, and it bothers me a little. I too miss my colleagues, the thrill of a good day in court, watching my retirement account grow each paycheck, etc. However, we recognize that we are in an incredibly fortunate position to not need me to work, and we joke that my sometimes angst over not working right now is our "white collar problem."

I know I will go back to work eventually but I do feel in a bit of limbo right now. I am also concerned that the longer I am out of the workforce, the fewer opportunities I will have in the future. In the meantime, I am really trying to relish the time with my kid while I have it, and I am embracing playdates, music class, storytime, running, volunteering, bookclub, longer visits with family, etc.

Congrats on the upcoming changes in your life!

[matildasun]

I left my job two months into the school year. I had great guilt about it, and had I known I was going to get pregnant the first month we tried I would have waited. One of my student's mother's pulled him, because I wasn't going to be there to advocate for him. Another was sent to his zone school, because the principal was fed up with him, and I wasn't there to act as a buffer.
I worked at the same school for 11 years, and by taking an extended leave I had to give up my spot. I was really sad about it, but it was what made the most sense for my family.

[frlcb]

I didn't have mixed feelings, I was happy to be a SAHM. I am sure some of your feelings are also pregnancy hormone related.

Edit: i didn't mean that as if your feelings aren't justified, I hope it didn't come across that way, I just meant that I know, for me, everything was magnified when I was pregnant (and for like a month after they were born!)

Having done the international move from London back to the US it does take a lot of work! And you joined an NCT group right? It will be nice to meet people that way and spend time with other moms/babies.

[bunch]

Yes, I have mixed feelings daily. I think that most of them are related to dd's tantrums and mobility. If I'm being perfectly honest, I would prob be searching for something very pt if we weren't currently ttc. I love sah, but I'm the type of person who really needs some alone time and needs to get things accomplished (if even cleaning the kitchen and finishing laundry) to feel whole and that's not really happening these days.

[Deleted]

I never planned on being a SAHM but I was unemployed for a few years after moving for DH's job. During that time period, we decided to TTC and voila, DS arrived. In all honesty, I was absolutely miserable during the newborn stage. Something clicked by the time he was 4mos old and we had an absolute blast. I found an amazing group of friends who lived in the same apartment complex and we were always doing something. It helped to talk to them about our daily grind since we had babies around the same age. We were also former professionals who were used to a fast-paced environment. Some always knew they would be a SAHM one day, the rest of us were open to the idea and were trying to figure it out.

Things were great until DS was 10.5mos old, when he started to walk. Then, DH got another job opportunity and we moved out of state. Between moving, unpacking, traveling, and trying to keep a newly mobile baby safe, I was going nuts. DH works longer hours so there are periods of days when I am solo parenting. It sucked, especially since we were still looking for a babysitter to help us get a break. I tell people that DS literally drove me back to work, lol. He has a ton of energy and he loves to be around other kids. IMO, he is totally ready for a daycare environment and so am I, lol. Besides, I wanted to pursue a new career anyway but I had no idea I would get a job quickly. Hell, I was in Tampa for 3yrs with no prospects at all and I got an offer here in Atlanta after sending out a handful of resumes.

Sorry this is long. My best advice to anyone is to just be open. Give it a shot, give yourself and the baby some time to adjust. If things change, that is completely ok. If you love it, that is great. Nothing we do is permanent anyway.

[barefootcontessa]

I do not love SAH. I do it because I believe it is best for our family, just like my DH works at a job he does not really like because it is best for our family. I love my kids and I enjoy them but I never been like "I could never stand to be away from them." My husband and I see our family as the top priority and make decisions from that perspective. That said, I think ambivalence is normal. You just need to decide what is most important to you and act accordingly.

[mollybrown]

My feeling are completely mixed. I had no intention of becoming a SAHM, but it is truly the right thing for our family right now. I was laid off, and planned to find another job. Then H and I realized how much less stressed and organized our lives became with me at home. He works a high stress job, we're in the middle if building a home, we moved with 2 kids and will need to move again next month, our son has special needs that require weekly therapy, etc. I didn't realize how much I was stressed until I was no longer working. I should add that I didn't love my job, and it wasn't very flexible for things like my son's therapy. I would have gone back to work without a thought, but we planned to TTC #3 later in the year. I didn't want to start a new job and then go on maternity leave in less than a year, so it made sense to just TTC now so that we didn't have to put that off.

I still identify as a working mom, and plan to go back in 4-5 years. I miss the money more than anything. I never identify myself as a SAHM when I am asked...I say that I'm staying home with them right now. I'm having a hard time making that transition.

I love being able to do week day play dates, attend my son's therapy, and just get to spend all day doing whatever with them. I get plenty of adult interaction, but I do miss having a true break during the day when I'm not on duty.

I agree with the other ladies...just remember that it's not permanent. You can always go back to work if you don't like it. Maybe you'll make less, maybe you will change fields, etc. Like others, I'm being flexible and enjoying this phase of my life while it lasts.

[bunch]

Aug 22, 2012 14:58:00 GMT -5 @barefootbarista said:

Choco and I have a similar story.
Months newborn to 3 are a blur.
4-10, easy and a blast.
10-14-OMFG I cannot wait to go back to work!!!

I am so glad that I'm not alone. I met someone the other day and within 5 mins of watching dd she says with this total look of pity "I promise it gets better."

I think that Canada is onto something with the 1 yr maternity leave.

[DarcyLongfellow]

I think you're talking about a LOT of different -- and all very stressful -- things, all wrapped into one time period.

Quitting your job to stay home is a huge transition -- and doing it when you're adjusting to being a new mother only makes it more stressful. You're talking about throwing an international move in there as well.

My advice is to take it as it comes. Don't make all these decisions now. It's easy to get caught up with whether or not you should quit your job. But if you don't need to make that decision now, don't! Wait until you feel comfortable with the rest of the changes in your life.

Good luck :-)

(Oh, as for me, yes, I do. I hated my job, and I would never want to go back to that job. But I do sometimes think I'd like to have a job of some sort so that I would have an outlet for adult, intellectual interaction. Also, I won't lie -- the transition it required of our marriage was huge.)

[whitepicketfence]

I've been a SAHM for a little over two years now and there are still some days where I'm unsure if this is really something I want to do. I never planned on staying home and actually went back to work for 2 months after DD1 was born. My work enviroment became pretty toxic after a new boss started and I decided I just couldn't stay there anymore. I quit and we decided to TTC #2. I've been at home ever since.

It was a huge transition for me and most days, I really enjoy it. I get to do a ton of fun activities with my kids that I wouldn't get to otherwise. My SAH allows us to have a more relaxed lifestyle as a family since DH works crazy long hours and travels often for work. I do still miss having a career though and have just started job hunting again to see what's out there.

It sounds as if you've got a lot of major life changes coming up. For now, I would just wait and take things as they come. Good luck with whatever you decide!

[statlerwaldorf]

When dd was a baby, dh was offered a job that required relocation. It was hard especially because it was a rural area and there weren't a lot of activities for sahms to meet other sahms.

It did get really lonely. There weren't any jobs in my field and the jobs outside of my field I have been qualified for don't even pay enough to cover daycare.

I got pretty homesick, but I have adjusted. It's gotten easier as dd gets older. She starts preschool soon and I'm hoping to meet more moms.

[statlerwaldorf]

I just realized my post sounded really negative. I really enjoy being a sahm. I think it was the best decision for our family. Dd and I do fun activities. She has some health needs and it would be very hard for us to take off work for all of her appointments. Our evenings are very relaxed. I got to be there for so many of her milestones. I have a lot of patience when it comes to dd.

[pamela]

I SAH for awhile and it was a mixed bag of feelings. Part of being able to really enjoy it though is making sure that you don't isolate yourself at home with the baby. Since you'll be preparing to move, that will be hard since it's unlikely you're going to go out and make an effort to get involved and make new friends. I would focus on keeping up with any friends from work while you're off. Baby should travel easily for the first few months so going out to eat or shopping with friends should still be pretty doable (I realize not the case for all babies, but at least give it a few tries).

Once you move, find things to get involved with that will keep your brain in engaged. If you can't find some way during the day to get a break (mother's day out type of thing), then find something in the evening once your husband gets home that you can go do.

Overall, I enjoyed being home with him and wish I could find a way to balance doing what I love and staying home with him. I'm just not quite ready yet to totally give up my career.

[hannamaren]

Aug 22, 2012 14:58:00 GMT -5 @barefootbarista said:

Choco and I have a similar story.
Months newborn to 3 are a blur.
4-10, easy and a blast.
10-14-OMFG I cannot wait to go back
luck!

I am at 9.5mths, and I realize I am not cut out to stay home. I will probably regret saying this when I go back, but I am bored.
Also, knowing that we may have another within a year or two and I get another year off....

[DarcyLongfellow]

Aug 23, 2012 8:10:11 GMT -5 hannamaren said:

Aug 22, 2012 14:58:00 GMT -5 @barefootbarista said:

Choco and I have a similar story.
Months newborn to 3 are a blur.
4-10, easy and a blast.
10-14-OMFG I cannot wait to go back
luck!

I am at 9.5mths, and I realize I am not cut out to stay home. I will probably regret saying this when I go back, but I am bored.
Also, knowing that we may have another within a year or two and I get another year off....

That age was a bit boring to me too. It got SO much more fun once DD was over a year and actually interested in going out and doing things. This past year -- when she was two years old -- was a blast.

I suspect with a newborn and an older child, you won't have time to be bored :-)

[Deleted]

Aug 22, 2012 15:07:24 GMT -5 barefootcontessa said:

I do not love SAH. I do it because I believe it is best for our family, just like my DH works at a job he does not really like because it is best for our family. I love my kids and I enjoy them but I never been like "I could never stand to be away from them." My husband and I see our family as the top priority and make decisions from that perspective. That said, I think ambivalence is normal. You just need to decide what is most important to you and act accordingly.

This is me. I like being home. I liked working. But we didn't like the hectic lifestyle of a 2 working parent family. But really, I am still living 'my life' but employment is just not a part of it.