MOOKs: discipline help

[jeaniebueller]

I need suggestions with how to deal with DS in a way that is not negative. A huge issue of contention in the house is him just not listening to our directives, not paying attention to what he is doing which leads him to play too rough with DD, nearly missing knocking her down, or actually knocking her down, throwing toys around where he nearly hits DD (but he "didn't mean to,"), etc. My issue is that I feel like all we do is nag him and I want ways to talk to him or change his behavior without being so negative all the time. Its really frustrating because we regularly have to remind him to play nicely/gently with DD and remember that she is not a big kid so he can't be rough. I am basically a broken record on this topic. Time outs don't seem to affect his behavior. I have read Love and Logic in the past but can't really think of any natural consequences that would be effective. How should I handle this issue? He is 100% fine when DD isn't around. But when she is around, he wants to be playing with her, which is completely appropriate and I WANT them to play together and have a good sibling relationship. But what always happens every single time when they play together is that he gets really ramped up and it always leads to him being too rough or getting too excited, etc. FYI: he is 6.5, she is 16 months old. Thoughts? Suggestions? Books I should read? Wine?

[Deleted]

Well, my "Siblings Without Rivalry" book is waiting for me at the library. Read that with us!

[Deleted]

My kids are the same so you are not alone. It is pretty normal in the sibling world. I'm pretty sure my siblings practically killed me 3 times too.

That said, it's not easy, fair to your younger DD, or safe.

Does he respond at all to being her "helper?" "Can you show DD how to do X." "DD would really love it if you'd do Y with her?" My own DD really responds to that.

Pile on the praise basically.

And I'll be honest, I sort of choose not to fight that battle. Somedays we don't get anything out that's going to be a war, I keep them separated etc. I also pull stuff out they can do together but separately. Little People, Puzzles, Blocks.....anything where she can do hers and DS can do his and they can still be by each other doing the "same" thing and helping each other out.

We also spend tons of time outside. They seem okay with bikes/wagon, swingset, balls, etc. etc.

It is hard. I hear you. I also see both sides. My own DD is old enough to know better but DS easily gets up in her face a little too much within 5 seconds and she reacts pretty much instantly. DS just wants some love from her but he's too little to get it and play "the right" way, kwim?

I hope as DS gets a older it'll get better....hahahahahahaha.

You have my sympathies.

[jeaniebueller]

Okay, so there is commiseration. LOL I am just dreading winter and being stuck in the house with the two of them. Its a lot of little things, like we remind him cannot push her down, etc. and I look over and he has purposefully tripped her. It drives me nuts because he definitely knows better.

[imojoebunny]

We use a lot of humor. I regularly tell my kids I am "going to beat them senseless" in an exaggerated voice, if they don't stop doing things that are just annoying, but not dangerous, and they beg me to do it, so I tickle them, until they fall down. They find this particularly funny, if they have a friend over, who gets wide eyed that I am actually going to beat them. It works for changing the direction of the annoying problem. They will usually find something less annoying to do, after they get up off the floor. They are 6 and 9, so this only works for your older obviously.

I also give them things to do, like take the dog out, or ask them to bring me something, when they are getting too rough with each other, then praise them for doing it for a minute or so with a hug, or a question about how they got so nice. It heads them off at the pass, so to speak, and resets their play.

Sometime, if they are too crazy, I have to take them out for a walk or read them a story, so they can calm down. I also try to give them another kid to play with a couple of afternoons a week, even if it is just for an hour. They get along much more easily, when they have a friend for a little while, especially my 9 year old will drive my 6 year old crazy trying to get him to play, if she doesn't have some friend time. She has always been like that.

[Deleted]

Sept 30, 2015 12:26:02 GMT -5 jeaniebueller said:

Okay, so there is commiseration. LOL I am just dreading winter and being stuck in the house with the two of them. Its a lot of little things, like we remind him cannot push her down, etc. and I look over and he has purposefully tripped her. It drives me nuts because he definitely knows better.

The same stuff happens in my house too. You have my sympathy. 

Is it terrible that if no one is going to be seriously injured sometimes I just let them work it out. DD sort of stopped some of her antics once she learned little brother can "get even" now. Sometimes either one will just wander off and shut the door to their room (which DS learned from DD and it's sort of hilarious to watch an 18 month old do it) and find their own thing to do. Natural consequence conflict resolution. Or so I tell myself. 

[Deleted]

I will also say now that DD is older than 2 (and DS is a small 4.5), she's holding her own a lot better.

Sometimes I just lie on the floor and let them both "wrestle" me to get some silly energy out. I prefer it when DH does this.

[Deleted]

I will also say if I act like I'm not paying attention they play much better. I leave them in the playroom and go clean the bathroom or do dishes or something. I'm still keep an ear out but the second they know I'm paying attention, WAR IS ON. I swear they have a contest somedays to see who is going to get in trouble.

[Deleted]

Sept 30, 2015 12:50:04 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

I will also say if I act like I'm not paying attention they play much better. I leave them in the playroom and go clean the bathroom or do dishes or something. I'm still keep an ear out but the second they know I'm paying attention, WAR IS ON. I swear they have a contest somedays to see who is going to get in trouble.

[jeaniebueller]

Oh, seriously, DD is going to be a little spitfire, I just cannot wait until she gets to that point and can take toys back from him. The other thing DS does is that if DD grabs a toy or book, he suddenly decides he wants to play with that and snatches it from her. I have asked him what how he would feel if his friend did that to him and he acknowledges that he wouldn't like it, but it doesn't deter anything.

[Deleted]

Sept 30, 2015 11:19:54 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

Well, my "Siblings Without Rivalry" book is waiting for me at the library. Read that with us!

I effing love this book and I use a lot of the techniques in it for non-sibling-related behavior stuff too. Mazlish and Faber are gurus.

[Deleted]

Sept 30, 2015 12:50:32 GMT -5 @tokenhoser said:

Sept 30, 2015 12:50:04 GMT -5 @justdairy said:

I will also say if I act like I'm not paying attention they play much better. I leave them in the playroom and go clean the bathroom or do dishes or something. I'm still keep an ear out but the second they know I'm paying attention, WAR IS ON. I swear they have a contest somedays to see who is going to get in trouble.

My life daily. So true. 

[Deleted]

Sept 30, 2015 12:51:24 GMT -5 jeaniebueller said:

Oh, seriously, DD is going to be a little spitfire, I just cannot wait until she gets to that point and can take toys back from him. The other thing DS does is that if DD grabs a toy or book, he suddenly decides he wants to play with that and snatches it from her. I have asked him what how he would feel if his friend did that to him and he acknowledges that he wouldn't like it, but it doesn't deter anything.

In more Adventures in Parenting Fails I say it's "Mom's" and put it away for a bit.  
Or if I'm feeling more positive I will sit down with them and say, "I see you both want it. How about I hold it and read it to you both/we play together?" Either it settles them down or one gives up because they both lost the fight.