Post by bullygirl979 on Oct 7, 2015 12:37:39 GMT -5
So, as I am sitting here sick, I can't help but be thoughtful regarding my relationships. I remember with XH, there was one time that I was so, so sick and my throat was so sore. I asked him to stop at the store on his way home from work and grab popsicles. He made such an effing stink about it and how I was "inconveniencing" him that I told him to forget it.
Yesterday, I went home sick from work. P must have texted me 2-3 times to check on me and asked me if I needed him to grab anything on his way home. He's checked on me consistently today and I just texted him to see if he could grab dog food on his way home for MY dog and he replies "sure!".
We paid off a huge chunk of my student loan today. We paid it off because my H has been working his ass off over the summer. He saved it up, he's willing to put it all on my loan, and...
I feel nothing.
I said thank you. He said he didn't expect me to be jumping up and down with gratitude, but that he did think I would have more of a reaction. He said he thought this would be something he could do to prove he was with me in this relationship.
I mean, I'm grateful for sure! He just took more than $20,000 grand off my back! It's fucking huge! Lately, it's just that I have nothing but armor or anger for him.
We paid off a huge chunk of my student loan today. We paid it off because my H has been working his ass off over the summer. He saved it up, he's willing to put it all on my loan, and...
I feel nothing.
I said thank you. He said he didn't expect me to be jumping up and down with gratitude, but that he did think I would have more of a reaction. He said he thought this would be something he could do to prove he was with me in this relationship.
I mean, I'm grateful for sure! He just took more than $20,000 grand off my back! It's fucking huge! Lately, it's just that I have nothing but armor or anger for him.
We paid off a huge chunk of my student loan today. We paid it off because my H has been working his ass off over the summer. He saved it up, he's willing to put it all on my loan, and...
I feel nothing.
I said thank you. He said he didn't expect me to be jumping up and down with gratitude, but that he did think I would have more of a reaction. He said he thought this would be something he could do to prove he was with me in this relationship.
I mean, I'm grateful for sure! He just took more than $20,000 grand off my back! It's fucking huge! Lately, it's just that I have nothing but armor or anger for him.
Are you still in counseling/therapy? It might help you decide how/if you want to work past your feelings.
But I don't know how I feel about the "he paid it off". I mean, when my school loans were paid of, H and I celebrated in a "we did it!" way. We're married. It's joint money. Unless your finances are strangely skewed.
partiallysunny -- we've kept our accounts separate to give us more options when we're ready to buy a house. He only paid off one section of my loan...I still have three others. But it's still a huge amount of money for us.
Still, no, this does not feel like "we did it". This feels like he's doing it for me. He says he wants to do it for us, and it really does put us in a better position. The interest (if we had let it continue to grow) would have eventually buried us.
I just feel weird. No one has ever paid my bills for me. Ever. My H and I are starting to have an equal relationship... And I'm paranoid that his financial power is going to put me under his control. I feel weird.
I think this is something you need to address with your therapist. He's trying to prove that he's in this relationship, okay--but perhaps an action like this is not what you want to see deep down? This is a larger scale boiled peanuts--"here's a gift for you, are we okay now?" until the next thing.
Also, your saying "I feel like I should feel something, but I don't" is telling.
partiallysunny -- we've kept our accounts separate to give us more options when we're ready to buy a house. He only paid off one section of my loan...I still have three others. But it's still a huge amount of money for us.
Still, no, this does not feel like "we did it". This feels like he's doing it for me. He says he wants to do it for us, and it really does put us in a better position. The interest (if we had let it continue to grow) would have eventually buried us.
I just feel weird. No one has ever paid my bills for me. Ever. My H and I are starting to have an equal relationship... And I'm paranoid that his financial power is going to put me under his control. I feel weird.
This needs to be brought up in therapy--regardless of whether this marriage lasts.
Thanks cuddlyevil ... I'm used to grand actions like this being connected to strings. So now I'm just waiting for the expectations to hit (ie the other shoe to drop). This comes from my parents and my upbringing, though.
We've talked about my family/parents so much, I think he'll understand this if I talk to him about it.
I think you want to leave deep down but are unsure of your worthiness to do so because of your history of being abused and the fear of "equal-ness" of wrongdoing in your relationship.
I think you have a few relationship mental blocks you need to work through SwimDeep. Regardless of where your marriage goes.
Its odd (but telling) to me that you talk about the student loans in both 'ours' and 'mine' terms.
yes, I'm really struggling with the possession... because in my head, they're "my" student loans. But he just helped me pay a large part of them. So now their ours?
I've been paying off his student loans since we got married...so I consider those loans "ours". But my loans are still "mine". My credit cards are "mine". My debt is "mine".
Any money I make though, any profit or benefit I bring to the relationship I consider "ours". I try to only keep the negatives to myself.
And yes I'm really struggling with mental relationship blocks right now. The clearer my head gets, the more blocks I find. I just keep telling myself to be patient.
I think you want to leave deep down but are unsure of your worthiness to do so because of your history of being abused and the fear of "equal-ness" of wrongdoing in your relationship.
do you mean that maybe I don't feel like I haven't done enough wrong to justify leaving? ... Or maybe because I want to leave him feeling like he's better off without me? And in order to do that I feel like I need to really fuck things up?
I think you want to leave deep down but are unsure of your worthiness to do so because of your history of being abused and the fear of "equal-ness" of wrongdoing in your relationship.
do you mean that maybe I don't feel like I haven't done enough wrong to justify leaving? ... Or maybe because I want to leave him feeling like he's better off without me? And in order to do that I feel like I need to really fuck things up?
Either of these strike me as bad scenarios
I'll keep soul searching...lots of digging to do.
No, I think she means that you don't feel like you deserve or are worthy of anything better.
SwimDeep, ITA with gault and cuddlyevil. I think you see yourself as having nearly equal share in the current problems in your relationship and that's part of what keeps you stuck.
Also, not sure how productive it will be for you to link your reaction to your family history when talking to YH. He's been so critical of how you've handled things with your family I could see it becoming counterproductive instead of him understanding your point.
SwimDeep, ITA with gault and cuddlyevil. I think you see yourself as having nearly equal share in the current problems in your relationship and that's part of what keeps you stuck.
Also, not sure how productive it will be for you to link your reaction to your family history when talking to YH. He's been so critical of how you've handled things with your family I could see it becoming counterproductive instead of him understanding your point.
To the italics, I do agree. All of the therapy I've been through, and I'm still offering excuses for my H and still saying things like "well, he does this because I've done this".
To the bold, I wish I had read it before I opened my big mouth last night. You were exactly right.
SwimDeep, ITA with gault and cuddlyevil. I think you see yourself as having nearly equal share in the current problems in your relationship and that's part of what keeps you stuck.
Also, not sure how productive it will be for you to link your reaction to your family history when talking to YH. He's been so critical of how you've handled things with your family I could see it becoming counterproductive instead of him understanding your point.
To the italics, I do agree. All of the therapy I've been through, and I'm still offering excuses for my H and still saying things like "well, he does this because I've done this".
To the bold, I wish I had read it before I opened my big mouth last night. You were exactly right.