It's over :'(

[thiswillbe]

** trigger warning: loss **

Quick recap: Last Monday both the RE and DW thought they saw a heartbeat in a gestational sac in my uterus, but when we went back for another ultrasound on Friday, the RE wasn’t seeing what he wanted to see by that point (6w4d), so he gave us a referral to a radiology place with better ultrasound equipment (our appointment had been scheduled for this past Wednesday).

Then: Tuesday afternoon (my second day of work at my new job/new agency) I started having intense abdominal pain. I thought I was just really constipated, so I just sucked it up and dealt with it until the end of my work day. Tuesday night I was in a lot of pain, but I thought it was gas and constipation, so I took milk of magnesia and went to bed.

Wednesday morning I woke up in so much pain I couldn’t even make it to the bathroom. My belly was super distended, and DW and I both thought I probably had a bowel obstruction. We decided at that point that I needed to go in to the emergency room, but we figured we’d drop the twins off at kindergarten first. I used the stair lifts to get downstairs and out to the car (thank you MIL for necessitating handicap modifications to our house!). By the time we pulled out of the driveway, I could tell I wouldn’t make it to the kids’ school, so we headed straight for the ER. The kids were freaking out, DW was freaking out, and I was in intense pain trying to keep everyone calmed down.

When we were about 25 minutes from the hospital, I started losing consciousness periodically. In one of my more lucid moments I asked DW to pull over and call 911. She pulled over in the median, and we waited there for the ambulance to arrive (the last 5 minutes of waiting were pure torture—DW could see and hear the ambulance, but no one was letting it by). (I found out later [after getting back home from the hospital] that the kids thought I was dying when I passed out. I am so sad they went through that!)

Anyway, the ambulance took me in to the ER, and they started working on me. They couldn’t give me anything for the pain because my blood pressure was too low (80/47), which was awful. Eventually, though, they were able to give me morphine and do an ultrasound. The belly distension turned out to be blood, not gas. I had a baby growing in my right tube, and it had grown too big and had ruptured the tube. The doctors were pretty clear that it was a life-or-death situation for me, so DW signed the paperwork and they took me back to the operating room (they even kicked another case out to give me an OR).

The doctor who did the surgery said she drained 1.5 liters (or about 1/3 of my total blood volume) out of my abdomen. Apparently the pain was in large part from my organs being bathed in blood, which is why it felt like bowel pain. Post-surgery, I had another round of bleeding (from something they nicked going in, I guess?), and they thought they might have to operate again, but thankfully they did not. That did necessitate me staying in the hospital until yesterday afternoon, though. Yesterday afternoon I also found out that the gestational sac in my uterus is indeed empty. Even through all of this, I was hoping that wasn’t the case (I ovulated 2 eggs, so it would have been possible to have both an ectopic and an intrauterine pregnancy).

I’m back home now. The physical pain is intense, but perhaps worse is that my heart is broken in a million pieces, but it hurts too much (physically) to cry, so I’m having to bottle it all up. DW was able to see the baby’s beautiful and strong heartbeat before the surgery, and she is just completely devastated. I don’t even know what to do to help her.

So that’s where we are. DW is home with me today (which is good, because guys are here working on our basement, which flooded last weekend). I will probably be staying at home until mid-next week. I don’t think they gave me enough blood in the hospital (they were going to give me 2 units before I left, but my veins were shot), but I am hopeful that the prescription iron will help. I feel like crap right now.

tl; dr – lost the baby, lost a tube, I’m thankful to be alive but things are pretty shitty

[awick14]

I'm in tears reading this.

I am so so sorry hun. I'm so sorry for your loss. ((Hugs))

[G22]

Holy hell thiswillbe, I'm so so sorry for all you went through. And your poor DW and kids I'll be keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers. I'm sorry for both your losses. ((Hugs))

[ssg73]

Love to you I am so sorry.

[kellikans]

I am so so sorry for your loss and everything you went through. you're in my thoughts.

[loira]

I'm so sorry, both for your loss and the trauma you experienced. I had to have emergency surgery for an ectopic 2 years ago, and I know how completely overwhelming it can be, on top of your grief. Huge hugs to you.

[boiler717]

Oh my gosh, I am so sorry. Thinking of you, your wife, and your kids. Please take care.

[shanwalk]

I'm so sorry. How heartbreaking.

[jessnpaul]

I'm so sorry thiswillbe. I'm glad you are okay (physically) but what an awful experience! Many hugs for you

[riffraff]

I am so so so incredibly sorry. So many good thoughts for you and your family

[shoeless]

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

[iammegan]

I am so sorry for your loss and having this traumatic experience. Lots of thoughts and prayers coming to your family.

[ginkgoleaf]

oh my gosh, what an experience you've been through. I'm so sorry for your loss and hope you start feeling better soon. So scary. Sending you good thoughts.

[cactuscookie]

Oh my gosh. That's so scary. I'm so sorry.

[dellabear]

Oh my gosh thiswillbe I'm so, so sorry. I also had a ruptured ectopic and it was so scary and awful. It is so heartbreaking to know that there was an otherwise healthy baby in the tube.

Physically I was feeling better in a few weeks but emotionally it took much longer. It is a very traumatizing experience to go through, be kind to yourself over the coming days and weeks. Lean on us when you need to. Hugs.

[ouokie]

I am so sorry that you had to go through that experience. My heart is breaking for you! You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers.

[belovedbride07]

OMG, I'm so sorry. Big, but gentle, hugs. I'm thinking healing thoughts for you and your family, and you'll be in my prayers.

[Mushe]

Oh my gosh, I am so, so sorry for your loss and this traumatic experience for you and your whole family. I am sending you so many good thoughts as you heal physically and emotionally.

[bcarp30]

That is so scary for all of you. I'm so sorry for your loss but so glad you are okay! Your poor kids, I hope they're okay too. I hope the recovery is easy and you're able to heal physically while processing emotionally what happened. T&p to you and your family.

[satsuma]

I'm so so sorry for your loss and to go through all of that. Is there anyone nearby that can help you out: take the kids, make meals, etc? Lots of T&Ps.

[babyrn]

Oh my goodness, I am so sorry for everything you have been through

[mae141]

I'm so sorry. That's so much to deal with at once.

[Muddled]

I'm so very sorry. Please be extra gentle with yourself. I'm thinking of you and wishing you all the good things.

[King26]

I am so sorry you went through all of this. Sending you tons of good thoughts and prayers that you, DW, and the twins get through this.

[lms]

I'm so sorry for your loss.

[ilovecandy]

I am sorry. Hugs.

[patbutcher]

Oh you poor thing. So sorry to hear this is happening to you. Hugs

[dollyllama]

I am so, so sorry. Sending so much love to you, your DW, and your kids.

[Bumblebee]

I am so sorry, thiswillbe.  How incredibly scary for you and your family.  Thinking of you as you grieve this loss.

[ursulabuffay]

I'm so sorry. I hope you feel better soon. Hugs.