Fighting in front of my child

[Deleted]

We don't fight but we do bicker sometimes.
I get heated quick and my husband is an arguer. Inevitably, L will say 'what are you guys talking about?' In the middle of it. Then I feel bad and we both lower our voice. We weren't yelling but we were terse.
Do you have a safe word to make things stop? Or just fuck it, kids will hear arguing and see that everything is fine after and not be scarred for life?
It is just sometimes hard to stop because it's an issue for now. We can't just discuss later.

[geek96]

My mom and dad used to fight in front of me all the time. I used to hide under the covers. It was very traumatic for me and I used to have nightmares about it.

I refuse to let my kids hear us argue in front of them for that reason. If DH raises his voice I just say I am done talking about this is front of DS and I don't engage anymore. We usually calm down after that and continue the conversation later. DH doesn't really argue too much so it doesn't happen often and he doesn't continue arguing he just stops and moves on. Even if that means we don't talk for a bit.

[greycat]

I think it's fine to have a minor disagreement in front of your kids assuming you are fighting fair and being repectful. Then you are modeling good ways to resolve conflicts.

[oliviapope]

It is good for kids to hear you disagree and solve problems together. It is not good to hear fighting and anger that makes them feel scared.

I would suggest you take a Gottman therapy class or meet with a therapist a few times to get some suggestions on communication. We did a Gottman therapist early in our marriage (overbearing in laws) and learned so much. We definitely disagree but I don't think we have "fought" since (8 years ago).

[ECB]

Oct 11, 2015 10:30:17 GMT -5 greycat said:

I think it's fine to have a minor disagreement in front of your kids assuming you are fighting fair and being repectful. Then you are modeling good ways to resolve conflicts.

totally agree. I feel that it's good to model healthy conflict resolution. But yeah, if you're talking yelling, curse words and perhaps even name calling - different story.

I don't think it's bad for kids to see that their parents get frustrated with each other. It's just how you handle it that matters b

[irish]

I think it's good to hear parents disagree with each other. My parents never disagreed or argued in front of us as kids and it took me s long time to figure out that adults can disagree and it not be the end of a relationship. I avoid conflict at nearly all costs even now, even though I know it won't be "the end of everything"

[Deleted]

Oct 11, 2015 10:40:25 GMT -5 ECB said:

Oct 11, 2015 10:30:17 GMT -5 greycat said:

I think it's fine to have a minor disagreement in front of your kids assuming you are fighting fair and being repectful. Then you are modeling good ways to resolve conflicts.

totally agree. I feel that it's good to model healthy conflict resolution. But yeah, if you're talking yelling, curse words and perhaps even name calling - different story.

I don't think it's bad for kids to see that their parents get frustrated with each other. It's just how you handle it that matters b

This. H and I have a tendency to bicker A LOT because we also work together. However, our tone may go a bit tense but it's not disrespectful either. We don't swear, do name calling whatever. It's more of a heated discussion. Usually over stupid sh*t that won't matter tomorrow. 

Hs parents never so much as disagreed in front of the kids and it's weird. H sort of struggled with marriage conflict as a result for awhile. My parents used to knock down drag it out in front of us and it was scary. Not good either and half the reason I have a tendency to get angry right away. I won't do that in front of my kids.

[Deleted]

H and I are good communicators, and absolutely we have disagreements in front of the kids. I think it is a good and healthy thing to do for everyone.

The kids benefit by getting to see their parents are real people and that real people can have disagreements and still love one another. I would not want them to see their parents only ever happy and getting along and agreeing on anything and then worry that it's REALLY BAD NEWS when we do have an inevitable disagreement in front of them. They see that arguing happens and is not a big deal. We get to model respectful disagreements, loving arguments, and good conflict resolution.

We benefit by being aware that little eyes and ears are watching and listening, so we are more careful to watch our words and be kind and understanding, which usually results in a happier argument and resolution anyway.

Honestly I think stopping or lowering your voice isn't good. It sends the message that this is really bad, this is something you shouldn't see, this is worrying and something to hide. If your arguments turn nasty that is NOT something you want to do in front of your child.

I agree with the PPs responses that if your arguments are unhealthy and also cannot wait, I would immediately pursue some counseling to work on better communication. Modeling healthy arguments is good but having nasty ones in earshot is not.

[jsillyfun]

If we so much as slightly disagree my daughter starts to cry and tells us we need to be kind. And she's right and then we pretty much have to discuss the issue in a kind tone which diffuses things.

[spk926]

We will calmy disagree in front of her but anything more than that is private between us. Honestly us fighting is so rare I can't even remember the last time it happened but fighting in front of our child(ren) is something we both feel is so wrong it has never happened.

[alexis]

Oct 11, 2015 10:39:15 GMT -5 spunbutterfly said:

I would not stop arguing in front of a child as long as it was in a respectful fashion. I would also never not resolve the conflict in front of them with a safe word.

Kids (and thus adults) never learn how to fight "fair" or fight to resolution from their parents, which doesn't make sense.

There's no need to be embarrassed about a fight/argument/discussion. It's a part of life. You are not going to get along with everyone, even the people you like all the time.


^wss about Gottman. It's what we used in our premarital counseling and it was eye opening at what fighting fair means.

So much this. Children need to learn how to handle conflict in a relationship and that starts with their parents.

I read (in Nutureshock, I think) that when parents refuse to fight in front of their kids and put it on hold for later, it is actually worse for the kids. The kids still know their parents fight, but they never see the resolution. That makes kids more scared and feeling unstable.

Kind of funny and sad story. I knew an older lady who said she never ever saw her parents fight and she thought they never did. The first time she fought with her husband she thought they were getting a divorce because married people don't fight. Fortunately, she figured out how to handle conflict in her marriage.

[rugbywife]

I am actually going to say that having the odd disagreement is a good thing. My parents NEVER fought, ever, in front of us. One time, my mom snapped at me and my dad said something to her about it, I had never seen them have any kind of conflict before (I was 8) and I was convinced that they were going to get divorced and that it was going to be my fault.

I also think, as PP have said, it can teach children how to solve conflict effectively. If you can do it effectively. DH and I cannot. yet.

[rootbeerfloat]

We don't fight often (in my estimation anyway), but we get snippy. When this happens, one or both will ask if we're getting divorced.

[Deleted]

Oct 11, 2015 11:17:46 GMT -5 @starry said:

We are definitely not where most people seem to be when this comes up. But, we are way better than both sets of our parents were and we are trying.

Just this morning I fought unfairly with my husband in front of J and felt terrible after. She did see the resolution and I apologized to her.

I think this is good too. I have also fought unfairly with H in front of the kids. As long as they see the resolution and I explain why I was wrong and what I should have done I think it's still a good opportunity.

We are all human and make mistakes. I think it's only a bad thing if you don't admit them and take actual real steps to correct them, or pretend you don't make them in the first place (which is how I was raised).

[Marmee]

My grandparents never fought in front of my mom...my mom thought that was how it was & was in a bad place when she got married & as a result went to far the other way. They argued, bickered (still do) in front of us, our friends, extended family all the time. It was horrible, stressful & embarrassing. DH & I are more passive (so less issues in general) but I don't hide disagreements from the kids. We just work through them in a more mild/respectful way. I've come to believe my parents *like* arguing or just hate each other....its s non-stop pudding contest. I really hate being around them together.

[spk926]

Oct 11, 2015 11:27:28 GMT -5 alexis said:

Oct 11, 2015 10:39:15 GMT -5 spunbutterfly said:

I would not stop arguing in front of a child as long as it was in a respectful fashion. I would also never not resolve the conflict in front of them with a safe word.

Kids (and thus adults) never learn how to fight "fair" or fight to resolution from their parents, which doesn't make sense.

There's no need to be embarrassed about a fight/argument/discussion. It's a part of life. You are not going to get along with everyone, even the people you like all the time.


^wss about Gottman. It's what we used in our premarital counseling and it was eye opening at what fighting fair means.

So much this. Children need to learn how to handle conflict in a relationship and that starts with their parents.

I read (in Nutureshock, I think) that when parents refuse to fight in front of their kids and put it on hold for later, it is actually worse for the kids. The kids still know their parents fight, but they never see the resolution. That makes kids more scared and feeling unstable.

Kind of funny and sad story. I knew an older lady who said she never ever saw her parents fight and she thought they never did. The first time she fought with her husband she thought they were getting a divorce because married people don't fight. Fortunately, she figured out how to handle conflict in her marriage.

I think this depends on what your definition of "fight" is. To me fighting is much more than having a disagreement.

[pooh8402]

I'm still new to this, so I'll give the child's perspective.

My parents divorced when I was 8. I was completely blindsided because they never fought in front of us, ever. They told me later that they made a point not to. As a teenager, I thought maybe it would have been better if they had so the divorce didn't shock me. Then I finally did witness a fight between my parents when I was 16 and it was shocking and a little traumatic to see.

DH and I have already decided that we're going to do our very best to not argue in front of E (already broke that when he was like 3 weeks old, but he won't remember), partly because of that experience. Edit: we're also not very good at fighting fair and resolving conflict well, so this is something we would need to work on.

[timorousbeastie]

My parents *never* argued in front of me or my siblings as we were growing up. They didn't start "publicly" fighting or disagreeing until I went away to college (I was the youngest and last to leave the house). When they started arguing in front of me at that point, I was convinced they were getting divorced, as they had never acted like that before.

I'm a big believer in modeling how to argue in front of your kids. Of course, I say that, but I still haven't figured out how to do that yet. Because of how I grew up, I genuinely have no clue how to argue/disagree in a rational, respectful way. My response is always either blow up or run away. Neither of which do I want DD to grow up with. I'm hoping I can correct this as she grows more and more cognizant of our behavior.

[Deleted]

We don't fight that often and I can't remember doing so in front of the kids. However, fwiw we do get into pretty heated political debates for fun and the kids sometimes freak out about that, assuming we are being serious. We're not but we can both be hyperbolic when debating. It's something we've always done. It's kind of like a flirtation thing, lol. Anyway, I don't think it is bad for the kids to hear it. I think it's good for them to see that people can agree to disagree.