The six months after DD was born were terrible. We were both continuously sleep-deprived and trying to figure out the whole parenthood thing, plus feeling the stress of keeping our careers going. We both felt really resentful of any time the other one had to spend on his/her career or on anything but the baby and we didn't devote any time to each other. Not having any date nights or dedicated alone time for six months straight was the worst thing we could have done to our relationship.
We made a commitment to spend more time together, to figure out how to come up with a better work-life balance, and it also helped that we started getting more sleep when DD was sleeping longer stretches.
It took a long time to work on the work-life balance piece and that's an essential thing we want to be almost perfect before having another child. I absolutely do not want to plunge our relationship back into the murky depths of what it was just after DD was born.
Lurker here - DH and I had a very long rough patch after DD was born. Being a SAHM mom was something that was very important to me (and I thought to DH as well) and we had discussed and agreed upon it before we even became engaged. It was a deal breaker issue for me. We planned for me to be a SAHM before TTC, saved money, paid off debt, etc. About the time I got pg with DD the economy went down the toilet and DH's job was not stable. He admited that he was not comfortable with me quiting my job. While in my mind I knew that he was right in my heart I felt betrayed. I was angry, resentful, depressed and to be honest, I was downright hateful to DH. It has taken a long time for us to get back to a good place. But we still are not great.
We really haven't hit a rough patch. The one and only serious arguement we got into was a few years back when I planned a trip to Vegas to meet up with my cousin and her friends for their 30th bday. DH didn't approve of me making the 4 hour drive through the middle of nowhere alone (everyone else was flying in from NY). It got pretty heated and I was just not used to somoene telling me "no". I had been a single mom for a few years before meeting DH, traveled, did everything on my own, etc for so long that I was just not used to someone else stepping in and hampering my plans. We moved past it and made it work out.
Post by claudiakishi on May 17, 2012 11:18:57 GMT -5
When we first go married I was really depressed. I became depressed and anxious during the wedding planning but didn't pay too much attention. After the wedding, I was not working and we were really tight on money, and I blamed myself incessantly. H was really worried and it took a toll on our relationship. It was rough for about 6 months or so, I went to therapy a few times, then I got a job so I started feeling better about myself. I still look back (this was 7 years ago) and feel bad about putting H through that.
Post by vanillahip on May 17, 2012 11:25:45 GMT -5
We've had 2. The first really started before the wedding but I was in la-la planning mode and it didn't hit me until right after. My job is stressful and difficult for me emotionally and generally sucks. I was extremely depressed (he has emotional issues of his own) and he just couldn't deal with me very well. He tried, but his undiagnosed (at the time) issues kept him from really handling me well, but the major issue in this rough patch was just me. I didn't want to do anything, I didn't want to talk, our sex life sucked, I wasn't pulling my weight around the house (or anywhere for that matter) I've always had depression off and on, though, so I knew I needed more therapy and an antidepressant. Knowing that this'll continue happening with my history, and that I have to think of him and not just myself any longer, I'll probably stay on antidepressants for.... ever? Or at least off and on them forever.
The second was sort of mentioned above. He's bipolar. I've always known but he never had support to get help/a diagnoses/ whatever. Once my depression was under control I just wanted to be happy but his condition made that impossible! So one rough patch immediately followed the other when we were both off our meds we were each others' enabler. Now that we're both ON meds and in therapy (separately) we're each others' biggest support!
I know a lot of people still think that meds are taboo/ embarrassing, but I'm not ashamed and I'm a huge proponent of them now. Some issues just can not be "talked out" and you might need chemical help to straighten things out. Sounds like maybe your H is in a similar place? Maybe he just needs a chemical "kick in the ass" to get his attitude and feelings back on track? GL, I really hope it works out!
Our first year of marriage was not peachy. DH's brother got arrested a couple of months after we got married. Then my mom died in April, my brother got divorced in May and my dad had a stroke the following October.
Our second year we were trying to have a child and struggle with infertility.
Our third year we were trying to buy a house and would fight alot over what we wanted for our house (looking back, it was stupid shit)
The best advice I can give is communicate, communicate, communicate. If we did not talk about what we were going through, I think we would have ended up divorced. :-(
DH and I are just coming out of a rough patch. It was fueled by DH being underemployed, family stress, my side business taking over our lives and our home, and a major lapse in communication. We have talked it out and are in a much, MUCH better place now. However, I still think that we have a ways to go.
It helps to hear that others go through rough patches too. Intellectually, I know this, but things can be so sunshine-y and rainbows that it's hard to not feel alone when things in your own life are not great.
Post by justfroggy on May 17, 2012 11:49:29 GMT -5
Our first year of marriage was our rough patch. We ended up getting pregnant while on our honeymoon but we lost that baby at 15 weeks. Our best friend's house burnt to the ground and they lost everything and ended up staying with us for about 3 months. DH's father passed away unexpectedly. There was a wide range of emotions, from guilt, to anger, to fear. We fought constantly about everything. I was so close to walking away, but we decided that none of those things were our fault and we needed to deal with them and work towards making eachother happy again. That was 4 years ago, and things are far from perfect but are MUCH better.
Hang in there...I'm sorry you're going through a rough patch and I truly hope you can work through it.
Our bad patch was right after we got married. DH was working insane hours and traveling a ton. We hardly saw each other and our sex life was non-existent. I ended up partying a lot with my single friends, staying out late, and basically not acting like a married woman should.
We ended up going to counseling which helped a ton, and things are great now.