Your worst relationship "rough patch" with dh?

[MrsManners]

Tell me about the toughest spot you've had in your married relationship? Was it a specific incident or a culmination of events/changes in your relationship? How long did it last? What did your relationship look like during that time? How did you work through it (or not)?

We are having some tough times

[cjeanette]

Mine was a lot of little things that snowballed after not being addressed.





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[StJess80]

I was on the verge of an emotional affair. He found out before it got deep. That was 2 years ago and we were able to get passed it with tons of hard work. It was worth it though!

[krystee]

When he was unemployed for a long period of time, his self-esteem took a nose dive and I was increasingly nagging him to apply, apply, apply. We were both really irritated with each other nearly all the time. I sought comfort in my friends and family. He turned to random females on the Internet. He never met them in person (phone and email records corraborate this), but I was still devastated. What helped is that he'd stopped before I caught him and instantly made a counseling appointment when I found out and confronted him. He also went out and bought that Christian-related marriage book where you do something nice every day....I forget what it's called. We ended up staying together and I feel like the whole process actually matured us a lot and brought us closer together. Unfortunately, it was also what started my anxiety attacks and those haven't gone away, despite the fact that we're not having issues currently.

[fuddyduddy]

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time now. I hope things improve. I've seen/heard of many marriages surviving, even thriving, after rough patches.

We (mostly I) struggled when my husband was deployed and right when he returned. We were unable to communicate regularly during that period of time and I started to emotionally disconnect. When he returned, we had to sort through the emotional and physical distance and reconnect. I think we succeeded at recovering because my husband was patient with me and I was determined to make things work. I think it took a few months for things to return to normal. We didn't go to counseling, but it is always an option for us if we need it.

[whitepicketfence]

I'm so sorry that you're going through a rough patch. Hugs!

DH and I had a really rough time our first year of marriage. Things were great for the first few months and then they went downhill fast. We found ourselves arguing all.the.time. We hadn't lived together previously so we were still adjusting and our finances were a disaster which caused a lot of stress. Add in the fact that we were fairly immature 22 year olds with poor communication skills and it was a recipe for disaster. We came very close to separating at one point. I still remember how crappy our one year anniversary was.

After many discussions and several attempts at marriage counseling (we could never find a counselor we liked), we ultimately decided to stick it out and work through our issues. It look about another year for our relationship to improve and it wasn't easy to get over all of the crap that we had both dealt with. Looking back, I'm thankful that things eventually worked out and that we stuck it out. We both did a lot of growing up during that time and our married is now stronger than I could have ever hoped for.

Good luck with all you are going through. I hope things get better for you soon.

[hannamarin]

We werent married yet, but at about year 8, we had a problem. He was supposed to move out of province, and I was ready to go with him and we were going to move in together. Then he wasnt going anymore and he no longer thought we should move in. It became a "shit or get off the pot" moment.

[geek96]

We got married had a fabulous two week honeymoon. I had just graduated Grad school and was looking for a job. We returned from our honeymoon and two weeks later DH was laid off for 7 long months. We had zero income coming in since I couldn't find a job either. We bought a house 1 month before we were married. Our mortgage was 700 more than his unemployment alone. Forget the other bills. Needless to say it was so difficult but we are in a much better place two years later. Patience really helped us get through it.

[ssmjlm]

Our first year was horrible. Probably worse than our first year of living together. Our wedding wasn't the dream day I had in my head and the IL's caused a lot of issues both during and after the wedding. I went through a huge depression and DH had trouble defining us as a family vs his mother and brother.

Thankfully DH realizes how his family is and that's helped a lot.

[Deleted]

We've had a lot over our relationship, but we've been married just under 3 years so I'll focus on that.

We had kind of a rough first year of marriage - I think a lot of that was my fault because I started to be like HOLY SHIT I'm stuck with the negatives for life. IDK why it didn't really hit me before marriage, but I got really irritated with his clipping his fingernails in the living room and not pulling his weight around the house and having a crappy job - etc. I think it was because I was really suddenly aware that I had committed to life with him and we couldn't just break up. We also bought a house so that didn't help the feeling of being stuck.

Then he had an emotional affair, and it got even worse. We almost split but he convinced me to give it another shot.

I won't say our relationship is perfect now - I doubt I will ever say that. But I do think the bad times brought us closer and gave us a better awareness that we need to make an effort. We still have our ups and downs but our downs haven't been very far down in probably a year and a half.

[MrsManners]

Thanks for sharing. We've been married 6 years, lived together almost 10. We have a 4 year old. Dh quit his high stress job back in October because he hated it and was miserable. He does own a business, but his partner runs it and it does not require his input. He stays at home all day and I think he's really unhappy with his life, the lack of direction and his future as it relates to his career (although he doesn't try to make any changes). In an attempt to help offset the huge income loss we had, I took a different position in my company which is more stress and more hours. He's having to help do things around the house and with ds for the first time ever. I honestly think he's done nothing for so long, now that he has to do something, he feels like he's doing everything.

We had a huge fight almost two weeks ago and he still doesn't want to talk about it or try to work toward any sort of understanding. He's been sleeping in the basement and only speaking when asked a direct question. It's pretty fucking miserable around here I think we need some professional help.

[peachesandcream]

Get a Gottman therapist. It made a HUGE difference with us. We had a "perpetual issue" (the in-laws and their butting in constantly) that we could never talk about without arguing. We went to therapy right about 5 years and she said the good news was that we were exactly where we should be in our marriage-the power struggle phase. It made an amazing difference as we learned tools of good communication and how our upbringing affected us now. It helped us be better partners and parents and I can honestly say our marriage is incredible now. I have the name of a great Atlanta area therapist (ours) if you want it.

[MrsManners]

May 16, 2012 20:06:04 GMT -5 peachesandcream said:

Get a Gottman therapist. It made a HUGE difference with us. We had a "perpetual issue" (the in-laws and their butting in constantly) that we could never talk about without arguing. We went to therapy right about 5 years and she said the good news was that we were exactly where we should be in our marriage-the power struggle phase. It made an amazing difference as we learned tools of good communication and how our upbringing affected us now. It helped us be better partners and parents and I can honestly say our marriage is incredible now. I have the name of a great Atlanta area therapist (ours) if you want it.

Can you PM me the info please? Thanks!

[thedutchgirl]

We have had two rough patches, and the second probably was more my unhappiness than fighting. The first was in our first year of marriage after we'd moved for his job, bought and house, and I didn't have a job or any friends in our new locale. It got a lot better after I found a job. Then in year 3 of marriage I was very unhappy with our marriage. I went to therapy on my own and worked through some things related to how I approach our relationship. It helped immensely and allowed me to decide whether I wanted to leave. At that point I wasn't ready. Within the past six months, DH has sought therapy on his own, which resulted in him changing in significant ways that very positively have affected our relationship. I think, at 6 years of marriage, and 10 years together, we're happier now than we have ever been.

Definitely seek professional help. If he won't go, go alone. It is worth it.

[rex]

The month of and month right after my 2nd loss were really tough for us (So it was Feb&March). Nothing that lead me to think of divorce or separation but I would say it was the roughest it has been. Luckily we have moved passed it.

We fought everyday about really stupid things. I was very emotional and stressed out and I think he was having a hard time with the losses but wasn't talking about it. So instead of talking about our real issue (grief) we just fought and took it out on each other. One night I locked myself in the bathroom for almost an hour just to get away from him because I was so annoyed just by him being around me. It seems so ridiculous now but it was really tough then.

I don't think anyone really prepares you for how hard it can be to lose a baby or go through difficulties trying to conceive.

I'm really lucky that we got to a point after almost 2 months of finally sitting down and me saying "I know that this is really about the shitshow we've been experiencing the last 6 months. We need to talk about it and I need to know how you're feeling and what you're going through." After many long conversations, everything was fine. My H does not like negative emotions and would rather seem happy and try to make everyone else happy instead of admitting to being sad/angry/annoyed/stressed. He means well but it obviously caused a problem. He's been much more upfront with me and luckily I can easily tell when he's upset.

I'm really sorry that you're going through a rough patch. Maybe your H needs something that allows him to get out of the house and feel like he's contributing in other ways? He might not like staying home with your child. It sounds like he really just hates being home and is obviously taking it out on you/you're taking out your stress on each other. There is no shame in marriage counseling, but I hope you can try to talk to each other before that.

[Deleted]

Right now. Dealing with a toddler and a newborn. Kids really do put a lot of stress on a marriage.

[thatgirl2478]

DH was deployed for 9 months exactly one year after we got married. It was rough because his schedule was random, so his calls home were random and we could only talk for 20 min at a time. It caused a lot of tension in our relationship.

The year he came back, his mom was diagnosed with Lung Cancer. She passed away the following year. During that time he also decided to go back to school to get his MSW and shortly after changed jobs (from one Social Work job to another).

Before he was able to finish his degree, he got deployed again. This time it was much smoother because he had a regular schedule and we set a weekly time to Skype.

So, for the first couple years we were married, it was rough. It got better the 2nd year of his 3 yr program - mostly because we realized the destructive behaviors we were committing and just STOPPED. We both realized divorce wasn't an option and finally listened to each others needs.

[MrsManners]

@rex-

I'm very sorry for your loss. I can only imaging how stressful that must be for a couple.

Dh doesn't stay home with ds. Ds goes to daycare. His issue was with having to get out of bed one morning per week to take ds (since I have a meeting once a week at 7am) and getting up to help get ds ready for daycare the other mornings. Dh getting up at 6:45 and getting ds ready allowed me to go to the gym at 4:50am since I have no other time available. Dh can and did go back to bed after getting ds ready (I take him to school). He's home all day doing nothing. Working out and surfing the web.

[marshmallowevening]

Going off bcp and proceeding infertility treatments was stressful because everything made me on edge. I was hard to deal with. Luckily, we're past it.

[SusanBAnthony]

May 16, 2012 20:28:10 GMT -5 MrsManners said:

@rex-

I'm very sorry for your loss. I can only imaging how stressful that must be for a couple.

Dh doesn't stay home with ds. Ds goes to daycare. His issue was with having to get out of bed one morning per week to take ds (since I have a meeting once a week at 7am) and getting up to help get ds ready for daycare the other mornings. Dh getting up at 6:45 and getting ds ready allowed me to go to the gym at 4:50am since I have no other time available. Dh can and did go back to bed after getting ds ready (I take him to school). He's home all day doing nothing. Working out and surfing the web.

He has got to be depressed.... Or something. Or else he is just an ass. Because that is just not ok.

[Rachael070707]

We're on our way back from one. We moved out of state 5 yrs ago and the economy took a shitter. I was laid off 3 times in 3 years. No joke. Two companies closed their doors and the other, my favorite "career" job had massive nation wide layoffs. The last spell of unemployment happened 2 years ago Monday and lasted for almost a year. In those same 5 years we've been battling infertility.

About a year and a half ago I had a breakdown mainly regarding my infertility and guilt from a terminated pg when I was 18. I went to therapy, was diagnosed with depression and went on anti-depression meds. Unfortunately, DH was self medicating with alcohol. He doesn't handle stress well to begin with but with everything added on top, he shut off completely and would drink every day. We fought constantly.

I can't tell you what changed. I really can't. Maybe it was the break from infertility treatments (we are completely out of pocket and with me unemployed, not a smart financial move to pursue) and maybe me finding a job helped but I don't think those are the key reasons. I just think we both just *stopped,* whatever that means. DH is currently in counseling and he doesn't drink like he did. We are much, much better. We're not perfect, but we're happy.

[Lissa]

There was a period of time 2 yrs ago that was pretty rough. Apparently, Loestrin turns me into a heinous bitch. It was bad, like searching for anger management counseling bad. We both noticed a huge change in my temper and mood swings once my bcp was changed, thank goodness.

[hazel]

We're in the middle of the worst (and longest) one so far. It really sucks and I try really hard to be positive. A year ago I was super happy and didn't ever think I could feel like this. It started about 6 months ago. I was really focused and busy at my job. He's in school part-time and works full-time, so studying and classes take up all his spare time. We used to have so much time together and now we don't.

The other day I realized that I feel like he puts 100% into school, 90+% into work, and probably around 60% into our relationship. I don't think he realizes that most relationships are work and don't always flow naturally. Anyway, a few months ago we talked about how I've been feeling and I know he's been trying more than he was before. He knew I was really upset with a lot of things and of course that discussion scared him. We talked about going to counseling, but I think he was completely heartbroken and saw it as a bad thing. I've actually thinking I might go on my own before we try couples counseling. I think I need help sorting out my feelings/thoughts before asking him to go.

I wish I could give you a really positive story, but it helps me to know others have gone or are currently going through the same thing.

[wanderlustmom]

DH and I hit a rough patch when DS was a year old. He was trying to decide if he was going to law school, he was taking the LSAT and got bit obsessed, I was taking my LCSW boards and upping my hours at work to help finance his career leave, we were starting to TTC and we started arguing more and disconnecting more. I felt very alone and I think what shifted us to a happier pattern was just taking the fighting down to communicating.

[songbird88]

May 16, 2012 20:13:32 GMT -5 rex said:

The month of and month right after my 2nd loss were really tough for us (So it was Feb&March). Nothing that lead me to think of divorce or separation but I would say it was the roughest it has been. Luckily we have moved passed it.

We fought everyday about really stupid things. I was very emotional and stressed out and I think he was having a hard time with the losses but wasn't talking about it. So instead of talking about our real issue (grief) we just fought and took it out on each other. One night I locked myself in the bathroom for almost an hour just to get away from him because I was so annoyed just by him being around me. It seems so ridiculous now but it was really tough then.

I don't think anyone really prepares you for how hard it can be to lose a baby or go through difficulties trying to conceive.

I'm really lucky that we got to a point after almost 2 months of finally sitting down and me saying "I know that this is really about the shitshow we've been experiencing the last 6 months. We need to talk about it and I need to know how you're feeling and what you're going through." After many long conversations, everything was fine. My H does not like negative emotions and would rather seem happy and try to make everyone else happy instead of admitting to being sad/angry/annoyed/stressed. He means well but it obviously caused a problem. He's been much more upfront with me and luckily I can easily tell when he's upset.

I'm really sorry that you're going through a rough patch. Maybe your H needs something that allows him to get out of the house and feel like he's contributing in other ways? He might not like staying home with your child. It sounds like he really just hates being home and is obviously taking it out on you/you're taking out your stress on each other. There is no shame in marriage counseling, but I hope you can try to talk to each other before that.

( coming out of lurking )
This is exactly what happened with me and DH . He is very reserved and does not show or express feelings . We joke that he is a robot . It was hard for me because i talk through my feelings to cope and he sort of shuts down . I had ppd after my third loss . I was an absolute mess , sometimes I still feel blue but not nearly as bad . He had put up with a lot from me. In some ways I resented him for not feeling or acting upset. He did though just not in front of me. I found couseling to help me and he joined me in a few sessions. In one session , he confessed that he did not Want me to see him upset because he wanted to be strong for me. I agree with rex94 that nothing prepares you for the grief you feel when you lose a pregnancy or cannot conceive. Counseling and patience helped . I hope you see your way through your rough patch. I feel like its the rough patches that bring us closer together.

[ladybrettashley]

We got married pretty young (I was 22, he was 23), and our roughest patch was after being married for about a year. I had made some new friends in grad school and was enjoying going out and having fun, which was something I didn't do much of in undergrad. DH was working and being a homebody because he had done the partying thing in college. So we were just in very different places in our lives. We fought a lot. I knew things were bad when I accepted a summer internship in another state. Previously in our relationship, the thought of spending three months apart would have been really tough, but that year we weren't even really sad about being apart. I think that summer of being apart was really good for us. Our marriage was a lot better after that.

There is still somewhat of a strain on our relationship because he blames me for taking him away from his family (we've moved three times for my career) and forcing him to start over with a new job several times. Once we've been here in Michigan a little longer, I think he'll let go of that somewhat but I've learned that that resentment will always be there.

[ECB]

About 4 years ago, DH was let go from his job as an attorney. On that front - long story short is that he hated his job, was depressed, let things fall through the cracks, etc.

He decided to pursue a career in the maritime industry, which is VERY hard to get into. It was about 1.5 years between being let go and taking on a full time job on a tugboat.

About 1/2 way through that year and a 1/2, I was 8 months PG. DH got a job offer. Please note that schedules in this job are weird - the offer was for a position that was 2 weeks on/ 1 week off. It really, REALLY stressed me out that if he took this job, he wouldn't be home/ able to get home quickly when I went into labor, or while I was on maternity leave. The ability to be home is VERY unreliable and I was VERY freaked out.

This discussion led to him not talking to me for 3 days. It was really, really, really difficult.

He then had a meeting w /his therapist and she helped him figure out what he was really upset by and gave him the words he needed to talk to me about it so that we could get back on track.

We did get back on track, a few months later he got another offer, and "we're good".

But all in all- his losing his job, being depressed, making a HUGE career change AND us having a child - it was a difficult couple of years.

[aerowife2010]

DH and I hit a rough patch about 6 months before our wedding. I don't feel comfortable going into the details but it took a while to get past it. We're now almost 3 years since we hit that rough patch and couldn't be happier. We still have our moments where we might get mad/upset at each other but that period was definitely the worst our relationship had ever been.

[juris11]

We have only been married for 6 months, but we did go through a rough patch when we were dating and I was in law school. We were long distance because of law school and we were both busy. We got lazy with making efforts to feel connected to one another and our relationship suffered for it. It was during one of the longest period we couldn't find the time to visit each other in person. It was hard on both of us being apart and we started taking it out on each other.

We took a few days not talking to each other to decide how we wanted to proceed, and ultimately decided it was worth the effort of long distance.

[chessie]

SIL living with us. Less time together, less sex, less everything. This is why I advise people not to do this, allow family to live with them. Shit hits the fan pretty quickly when family enters the picture. If I had to do it again, I gladly paid her rent for 6 months as long as she didnt have to enter my house.